no strings

"Everyone else gave up on you, but I saw what you could be.”

[akoalawizard]

Oh pinned posts are a thing. Neat.

ME

I’m old, floated around many different fandoms and social medias, including Tumblr, for the last 20 or so years. I left Tumblr in 2017 not cuz of the porn ban, but because of Hurricane Maria. I only had 20gb of faster data a month on my phone, and with no other way of getting entertainment, I chose to cut out Tumblr in favor of YT and Twitch.

Over these many years, I’ve had a lot of names online, but the most enduring one is Koala. I dunno I guess it’s just easy and cute. I have adhd and am very much on the spectrum somewhere. But I’ve gotten so used to masking that you’ll never notice the latter. I also have type 1 diabetes, oh and chronic depression. It’s a fun time, but hey I’m still here, despite my body’s best attempts otherwise, and in spite of those that wish I weren’t.

Anyway. As mentioned, these days my obsession is FFXIV. Mainly, I raid, gpose, and craft. I’m bad so any advice for savage and extremes will be bad. I main tank, specifically dark knight. Tankxiety? Never heard of her, I wanna be up and front and be beaten up cuz I’ll beat up the other guy worse. I moonlight as dancer and reaper sometimes though. Or black mage if I want to grief parties.

Find me on Midgardsormr, Aether.

WHAT

I’m still hanging out on Twitter till it’s actually dead, but yes, I’ve dusted off this tumblr as a just in case. It will be very much like my Twitter: mostly FFXIV, some video games, sometimes movies, and quite a bit of irl/personal musings. Don’t know how frequently I’ll open Tumblr, but it’s here.

WHERE

✿ Carrd: stardustffxiv.carrd.co

✿ PayPal: paypal.me/tinykoalawizad

✿ Throne: https://throne.com/koalastardust/wishlist

✿ Twitter: https://twitter.com/koalastardust

WHO (Koala)

[akoalawizard]

unless something drastic changes, tonight might be second night in a row where I won’t be crying myself to sleep. that’s a good first step, i think.

i think, however, that the person has misunderstood me, again. i’m not mad or jealous, not at all. i’m sad, for throwing away an opportunity to be happy even as it stared me in the face. i broke my own heart, basically. no one but me is at fault. but, if the person would rather just stay away from me, I understand that too. it just makes me sad.

but, i’m not crying as much so far. this week has yet to break my heart. we’ll see how the rest of the month goes. I applied for a promotion at work, and I’m ready to be devastated by not getting selected. i guess if i start preparing myself for the worst, then it won’t be so bad. but after being told some stuff about how the assistant manager feels about how i do work, i’m just sad about that too.

I crashed the fuck out on saturday because so much just fell on me, it felt like. i felt like i was just bad at everything in life, and that no one liked me and i would be better off just leaving everything behind. it’s just hard when you’re being smashed into the ground over and over again, and all you’re trying to do is your best. nothing less than your best. but you’re just not good enough. and you’re never going to be good enough.

even now, i’m struggling with these thoughts. but i’m doing my best to overcome, y’know? because what else can i do. no one can save me but me. no one else is going to pick me back up from the ground. over and over again, it always has to be me. even if i stand alone. even with tears and my heart broken again. it always has to be me.

[akoalawizard]

Okay.

I was gonna start this thinking about this whole past week. But I can’t. It’s too hard. I’ve gone back and forth for months on how I feel about someone, tried to fix our friendship, ruined it within a month again, and I am too late to ask to try again to be something more. Because I fucked everything up, and because they like someone else now.

Which is fine! That’s their right, and tbh if I were in their shoes, I would do the same. I’m not a good person for a relationship. There’s just too much trauma, I think, for me to form a good relationship with anyone anymore. So I’m not mad at them, I’m not jealous of the other person. They both deserve happiness, and I hope maybe they’ve found it with each other.

I just, don’t know why I don’t feel that I’m deserving of happiness. It was right there, it was always there. And I looked at it, said “no thanks”, and smashed it against a wall. Like not only do I not deserve happiness, I go out of my way to make sure I get not an ounce of happiness. And yes of course it hurts. Because I realized too late I did have feelings for the person still. I don’t deserve happiness and I fucked up the opportunity for it.

Anyway. There’s also the issue of feeling like I’m being stalked and scrutinized again, but there isn’t much for me to say about that. It’s the same thing I go through, no matter the social media, no matter the friend group, no matter the situation. And at this point I guess it’s my fault. Because writing is the best way for me to work out my feelings, and I’ve always taken to microblogs/blogging for that. So honestly, that’s my fault too.

Everything is my fault at this point. And that’s the third side of the dice. At work irl, I’ve been dragged and raked through the coals all week. I work so hard, only to get blamed for shit and told I’m not doing enough and have to pick up other ppl’s slack, and it never feels like it’s enough. I’m in a lot of physical pain lately, and it just doesn’t feel great to be expected to do so much, and have so little reward.

Like when will it be enough? When will things start to feel better again? Will they ever feel better again? I don’t think it will. I’m just gonna fuck up over and over again until I’m dead and alone. And for now I just cry myself to sleep. Would things be better if I were just a different person? I think they would be. But instead I am this: a neurodivergent person who has varying degrees of relationship and interpersonal traumas.

I don’t deserve to be happy, and that’s okay.

[avatarskorra]

we popping the BIGGEST bottles when makorra happens tomorrow

[tonraq]

[doubleca5t]

Happy 10 year anniversary to the Markorra bottles, never popped

[ubercharge]

ffxiv is a fantasy game which means my FC needs to log into hot fresh light novel titles every week

[ubercharge]

how about a sequel to the first isekai

[ubercharge]

the protagonist tripped into a harem, classic isekai moment

[ubercharge]

she's doing her best honestly

[ubercharge]

HEY THE FUCKING FC LEADER CHANGED IT

[ubercharge]

we're back to the isekai light novel

[ubercharge]

beach episode <3

[greelin]

i am in fact NOT being very brave about it and will whine and complain until i die. As is my right

[akoalawizard]

Sometimes I want to choose violence.

[zegalba]

[iamoutofideas]

shoes

[maxxipad]

shoes

[swarnpert]

shoes

[brucesterling]

[emeships]

so what we do think theyre gonna add to the BLM job gauge at level 100

[sodas]

[voidsentprinces]

[pengow]

final fantasy 14 is a game

[swiftrunnerfelidae]

Fate/Grand Order

[jaubaius]

Luvly conversation. :) ….unmute

[carpetedkitch]

They sound like animal crossing villagers omg

[ode-on-a-grecian-butt]

[creepymutelilbugger]

rat can have a little warpstone. as a treat

[kosmogrl]

[kyotospartyart]

Scions and Scion-adjacents 

[akoalawizard]

Once again, not very many gposes lately. I lack the inspiration. But I never lack the inspiration to write a little.

So, I’ve been mostly very solitary for almost a year now. Last year, I got blamed for something that wasn’t my fault, but good luck trying to convince people otherwise. I got subtweeted at and treated pretty horribly. And I lost my best friends. So one morning I woke up and decided to leave. I left the FC, I left the linkshell attached to it, I removed several people from my friends list, I left the discords. It hurt at the time. Because asides being made a pariah over things that weren’t my fault, it hurt that people who I thought were friends, were that quick to show that they were not my friends.

Because earlier last year, someone I thought was one of my best friends simply up and left. We’re all entitled to leave relationships. It’s not really that. It’s just, I don’t get what happened. Was it something I said? Did he have romantic feelings I didn’t pick up on? Add that plus someone who I felt was floating in the background of my life, probably talking badly about me because I felt uncomfortable around them, and last year just felt like a gigantic blow as far as social life goes. And it’s hard, navigating the world when you’re very definitely on the spectrum somewhere. Things don’t make sense. Social cues don’t register.

So things go badly, and I’m just left with puzzle pieces that I have to make sense of, which is difficult because I’m bad at puzzles. All that to say: I’m trying to be social again; I miss my best friend (both of them, if I’m being honest); and I wish I had friends again.