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[thebat-musicman]

Bruce: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Tim: Okay, but in my defense, Steph bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink that shampoo

Bruce: That’s not what I wanted to-you drank SHAMPOO?!

[thebat-musicman]

Tim, waiting in a slightly longer lunch line than normal: This is the worst moment of my life.

Steph: You’re an orphan.

Tim: And?

[thebat-musicman]

Tim: If I have a kid, I’m naming him LeBron.

Steph: Well what if it’s a girl?

Tim: LeBronette.

Steph: Maybe they’re nonbinary.

Tim: Theybron.

[thebat-musicman]

Bruce: Hrng

Tim: *shrieking, ready to attack someone*

Bruce: What’s wrong?

Tim, heavily breathing: I thought a minecraft villager had broken in!

[thebat-musicman]

You know who’s killed off in Marvel? Peter Parker’s father figures.

You know who’s killed off in DC? Bruce Wayne’s child figures.

So really, the only way a Peter Parker in Gotham fic can end is death for the both of them.

[ghost-inthe-rain]

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME

[thebat-musicman]

im secretly lex luthor in a wig

[thebat-musicman]

This is Conner Kent btw, not Jon

[thebat-musicman]

”why does lex hate superman so much???” because he’s upset his baby-trapping didnt work obviously. smh yall call yourself fans

[thebat-musicman]

Tim’s first time visiting Kent Farm

Ma: Well do you know what this plant is?

Tim: Uh no.

Ma: They’re soybeans. Kon, tell him about soybeans.

Kon: Soybeans…are your friends.

Ma: *gives him a look*

Kon: Well I don’t know anything about soybeans either!

[thebat-musicman]

Tim: Alright, raise your hand if you thought I was dating Conner.

Tim:

Tim: Conner, put your hand down

[thebat-musicman]

Tim: With all the kids Bruce has, it’s strange none of us are biologically related to him

Jason: DONT SAY THAT! You’ll jinx us

Tim, walking over to the front door: Come on, it’s not like if I just open this door they’ll be some bio kid of his outside.

Jason: Don’t say I didn’t warn you

Tim, opening the door: See? Absolutely noth-OW FUCK!

——————————

Tim, later: And that’s how I met Damian!

Kon: Your family is so fucking weird

[thebat-musicman]

Jason has a fake ID that was only ever used once. This is that time

—————————————————

Robin Tim, dangling a man off a roof (like father like son): Tell me the identity of the Red Hood

Goon: I aint saying nothing

Robin: Double negative, you’re saying something

Goon: thought i was done with grammar nazis when i stopped working with the riddler… fine! the Red Hood is named…Bruce Wayne!

Robin: WHAT?! *accidentally drops him off the roof*

Goon:*frantic screaming*

Red Hood, watching from the roof across the street: *laughing his ass off*

[thebat-musicman]

Im not sorry

Jason: Tim I need you to be straight with me

Tim: Wow Jason I never thought you were homophobic

Jason:

Tim: *finger guns*

Bruce: Duke, can you call your siblings down for dinner?

Duke, using his powers: Don’t you mean…dimmer? *puts on sunglasses*

Bruce: How long have you been carrying those around?

Duke: …three months

Tim: When I first met Damian he tried to stab me!

Dick: That’s just his way of saying knife to meet you.

Tim: …

Dick: Hey my sword play isn’t that bad

Tim: just leave

[thebat-musicman]

Actually so grateful none of the batkids went to college because they would reveal their secret identities immediately at any job

Jason: English teacher

Student: mr todd im trying to write a book about the afterlife do you know-

Jason: listen kid the afterlife is boring, now it’s when you come back that everything starts to pick up

Student, internally: when?!

Dick: Physical therapist

Doctor: This patient broke all the bones in her hand.

Dick: Yeah that hurts a lot, but it gets easier the more it happens.

Doctor: ???

Tim: Astronomer

Astronomer: Wow you discovered a planet! What do you want to name it?

Tim, whispering: Batplanet

[thebat-musicman]

Tim within his first minute of talking with Dick for the first time (not counting when he saw the Flying Grayson’s perform): *does a flip, fights a guy, and solves a murder*

Dick, already texting Alfred: how do you feel about leotards?

[thebat-musicman]

*on a double date*

Jon: Damian and I are apartment hunting!

Kon: Oh I think there’s an empty apartment in my building, y’all could move in!

Damian: We dont want to live near you

Jon: He means that in a nice way

Tim: No he doesn’t

Damian: No I don’t

[thebat-musicman]

Bruce: This is my boyfriend, Kal.

Babs: This is my girlfriend, Kara.

Tim: This is my boyfriend, Kon.

Damian: This is my boyfriend-

Tim, cutting him off: Kjon

[thebat-musicman]

tim drake is so cool omfg

when he was 13, he broke into dick’s safe in titans tower that not even most of the titans knew about and stole a picture (the one of him on dick’s lap).

this was pre-robin training y’all