Carl Quest pt II: Sheer Heart Attack
Imagine you are Cecil.
One alien touches down on Earth and lies about being there to protect the planet. That’s already bad enough and then like a week or two later ANOTHER ONE TOUCHES DOWN!
This one is older, bigger, scarred from battle, and…arguing with Omni-Man about whether or not this planet is Earth or Urath.
Ok. Weird. But it’s not the kind of argument that escalates to cities being destroyed. Take your wins where you can.
Then Omni-Man calls YOU down to PERSONALLY settle the argument.
After the longest helicopter ride of your life (so far) this alien beefcake has the AUDACITY to say that he doesn’t believe that you know the name of your own goddamn planet.
Still, the meeting ends civilly enough so crisis averted on that front. Right before you leave you ask this alien’s name and he responds with the worst answer he possibly could:
Conquest.
FUCK. That name is so many red flags that it’s doing semaphore spelling “GET OUT!”
In a moment of inspiration you give potentially the most terrifying being on the planet the name Carl.
He’s Carl Quest now.
Shit’s fucked. But not fucked beyond repair.
You learn that Carl Quest likes fighting things. That’s ok. There’s a lot of things that need fighting.
You give him a job offer, he declines. Something about not working for anyone who can’t hand his ass to him. He doesn’t phrase it like that but you get the gist.
So instead you offer him an earpiece. Offer to let him know when there’s something that needs punching. Which he’s more open to.
Little do you know that the “Call Carl” button will produce highs and lows of astronomical magnitude felt only by yourself and Las Vegas’s most desperate gamblers.
Because sometimes when you hit the Call Carl button he arrives right away and cleans house. I mean just absolutely DEMOLISHES whatever he’s facing.
Half the time the villain ends up no more, expired, meeting their maker, bereft of life, resting in pieces, ceasing to be. Stone cold dead.
And that’s just capital! When you call Carl it’s not cause you’re being diplomatic!
Whenever he brings the partially alive, totally dead, or otherwise limp body back to the GDA like an overgrown cat you compliment him. Because he does what you ask without lip and has a success rate of “always.”
(Also when you compliment him he gets this surprised look on his face. Like no one’s ever said anything nice to him before. Some little human part of you that hasn’t been stamped out yet finds it cute)
But on the other hand.
Sometimes things are FUCKED. REAL FUCKED. You need someone to take care of this NOW. You call Carl to open up a can of whoop ass and he just goes “LMAO that sucks!” AND HANGS UP!
You find yourself downing whole bottles of Xanax so your heart doesn’t explode from stress.
