Who the f**k is Alice Ella?

All about M.E. my life, Crohn's, singing, songwriting, music, depression, cats.... you get the gist ;)

[aliceellablog]

Acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

When you want something so freakin’ much and it’s not in your control, what do you do?

Do you accept it? Or do you keep fighting?

But what if fighting it made it worse? The harder you push the worse you get and the further away you become from your goals, your dreams and your life.

That’s what M.E. does to us and for now there’s not much we can do.

When the illness you’ve been diagnosed with has no test for it you’re left constantly wondering if you even have it. You feel so damn ill that you keep wondering if you have an illness that the doctors have never found. If you have been misdiagnosed all these years.

M.E. is a diagnosis of elimination which means that they basically test you for EVERYTHING - from blood tests to cameras up your ass, from eating sherbet and being scanned upside down, to cameras down your throat into your stomach. Name a test, I’ve had it. 

Then when all the tests come back negative, and you’re left distraught, you feel desperate to be diagnosed with just about ANYTHING!

Following that you then ended up seeing a bunch of psychiatrists who also find nothing wrong with you and say stupid shit like ‘ have you tried taking a dog for a walk?’ - no, no i have not because I’m in a fucking wheelchair you dick. (Yes that really was said to me by a doctor) - It just doesn’t make sense to me that all us healthy happy people suddenly find themselves bed-bound and people think we fake it?!? WHYYYY!!?? And hey, if M.E. is all in our heads then why cant we donate blood?! 

But I was diagnosed with M.E. at 14, and 15 years later there is STILL no test, no cure, and sure as hell no help.

A friend of mine recently received some comments on her blog saying that she was being too negative, and that really made me think.

How dare they add more to what she is already struggling so hard to cope with- how dare they comment on something they so obviously have no experience of and no knowledge about.

It made me realise that we have every right to feel how we feel and to speak out about it.

In my case it makes me want to ask the question ‘could you live with a chronic illness for over 15 years and not mention it? Not feel the need to vent? Could you be positive all the time?’ I don’t think you’d really manage to just ’try yoga babe’ or ‘drink more water’ - I’m not strong enough to do bloody yoga and I drink plenty…

I mean, imagine being healthy, and then your life suddenly being taken away from you at the age of 14, and now all these years later you are still fighting a constant battle. Every single day. And the fact I’m not exaggerating kinda sucks right!!?

Yes I used to be in a wheelchair and unable to speak / move / watch tv for several years, but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope now. In fact I personally find it even harder now, because when I do get moments of relief it makes me want to be able to live a full life even more.

There are days when I can actually feel a little bit of energy in my body and because of the nature of M.E. I have to hold back or I’ll get worse- and let’s be honest if I do have enough energy to do a little something I’m gonna end up doing it and then suffer the consequences. OOPS!!!!

Fuck sake it’s bloody ridiculous. So no, I won’t be positive every day, but I will try my best to be as often as I feel strong enough to. That’s all we can do.

I’ve even noticed that some of my friends have have stopped asking me how I am - I think that they don’t want to broach that subject with me any more and that hurts a bit. But one thing this illness definitely does is show you who your true friends are- if they ain’t there when you truly need that support then they ain’t gonna be there for the good times I can tell ya!! And the friends that do care, they are beyond amazing , so thank fuck for that, thank fuck for them.

I know I haven’t written my blog in a little while and to be honest over all I have been coping a little better recently! (Not that you’d think it reading all that! But I have been working SO DAMN HARD on acceptance and have found that to be the key to keeping my sanity.

I find that the more I fight and the more I want for my life, the worse I get.

I have to keep learning to accept that I have an illness that not many people understand, and that some people don’t even believe exists - fuck them though. 

I know what I live with and I know how I feel on a daily basis- I know that when I am smiling in a photo I was probably crying myself to sleep the night before. I know that when I film a video for youtube I have to rest for days before and afterwards and each cover takes me at least a month or two to actually record and edit.

For that reason I know I won’t make it in this industry. How frustrating is that.

I can’t do what the other singers and writers can do.

I can’t go to the networking events and for over a year- since my last relapse- I haven’t been able to do any writing sessions or be in a studio. The things I have absolutely pushed myself to be able to do (for example my new music video) have always set me back for weeks or months after…sometimes worth it, sometimes not!

Over the past 6 years since I really started writing, recording and putting out music I’ve only been able to release 3 singles. - Yes I am proud of that and only I know what a struggle it’s been but it also makes me realise just how unrealistic it is to want to be a singer… I can’t even gig!! LOL #awkward

BUT I have been managing little things recently however small, but it does seem like every time I get above water and start to book things in and feel like I CAN DO THIS, something drags me back down again.

Frustration frustration frustration. That’s what I feel 24/7.

I am trapped, trapped inside a body that won’t let me live.

I want to socialise! I want to see friends, I want to go on dates and have some sort of love life, and above all else I want to sing. I want to work my fucking ass off and release my music. I want to write songs and push myself hard.

But I can’t. So I have to deal with that- and no-one else can help me deal with that. It’s down to me.

Recently I have been trying (again!!!!!) with the lightning process - a neurolinguistic approach and have genuinely found it very helpful, but it hasn’t ‘cured’ me by any means.

I did 7 months solid of graded exercise therapy and by keeping a chart every day MAN I’M COOL I soon realised that I didn’t actually make any solid progress. Since then I have been keeping a chart with the lightning process and have seen some improvement. 

I did the LP course around 10 years ago now so I have made the decision to retake it, but was scheduled to go on it lat week and wasn’t well enough!! OH THE IRONY!!!

BUT - There IS hope, and maybe it’ll be just what I need to conquer this mother fucker. But then again maybe it won’t! Who knows!! But I won’t give up and I’ll keep trying whatever I can!

Time will tell and I am going  to go there with no expectations other than to give it my all.

I will blog again maybe a few weeks after and let y’all know whats a gwarning!! But for now, love and strength to my fellow spoonies xx remember,  acceptance is key when you have a chronic illness, but that doesn’t mean you should ever give up.

Alice xXx

[aliceellablog]

M.E. is fucking shit. (a working title that stuck)

21/04/2018

So I’m sat here on my bed again, writing this blog to escape from my head.

To be honest with you things have been just that little bit better enough recently that I was ACTUALLY making progress and that I could kind of cope with the fact that I have this god damn illness and that even if it does take me a year or two to get back to some sort of normality, somehow that thought seemed bearable for once.

Then I went and fucked myself over and now I’m a mess. again.

ARRRRGHHHH!!!!!

To be fair to myself I really didn’t expect it to happen and still don’t think that I really did enough to warrant just how bad I am feeling. Mindfuck.com/I’mhavinganotherbreakdown

Lets go back a few steps (like my bloody life just has *lol / not lol* )

So I was doing really strict graded exercise therapy and had managed to get to a 36 minute walk and was also using the Lightning Process (a neurolinguistic programming technique) as much as I could.  Although of course every day was a struggle, it was more like walking up a hill all the time than climbing a mountain covered in snow with like no food or water….

I’d been so so focused, and so on the up, and then just a week or so ago I went to do a stupid market research job.

It was a 10 min walk away which seemed fine considering I was on 36 mins and I was in such desperate need of the money that I really wanted to try!

I now truly wish I hadn’t though as feeling this bad isn’t worth any amount of money, not even the bloody £100.

I got there and it was two solid hours of talking about a product to their team. There were no refreshments and I even had to ask for water.

There was no let up and the questions were constant.

When I left I felt pretty bad but not terrible… so I got the tube home instead of an Uber. Big mistake.

When I got home I slumped onto my bed and couldn’t move for hours. I couldn’t hold my phone up or get up to go to the bathroom and man I needed to pee!!

After about 4 hours of my body feeling like lead… but lead that was on fire, and constant muscle spasms I could just about sit up and eat the food that my housemate (thank god) brought to me in my bed.

I ate my dinner, did a little woe is me Instagram story (because I think it would seem very weird if I didn’t share any of these times considering that I write this blog and the awareness I am trying to raise) and then tried to sleep… tried all bloody night.

It’s so ironic how people with this illness can’t sleep. It’s known as ‘tired but wired’ because man oh man are you tired but you just can’t switch off and falling sleep is a bloody miracle!!

You know that feeling when you can not wait to get into bed, and then you finally lay your head on your pillow and think, ahhhhh! - I get to that stage and close my eyes and then nothing happens.

Sometimes I listen to sleep meditations which help a little and I’ve tried numerous sleeping pills, but the worse I get the less I sleep - then I get up later in the day and its all just one big mess of a sleeping pattern!

My friends and I have a joke that I’m living n Azerbaijani time as I tend to get up and go to sleep around 4 hours later than all of them and when we googled that was the first country that comes up. So yea…. Maybe I need to make friends with some people who live there so I can text the when I can’t sleep.

Anyway! Yes…. So then the next few days have been pretty rubbish.

It’s very hard not to get upset / sob your heart out when you have a crash like this. It’s back to square one of building back up slowly (now back to a 10 minute daily walk) and it’s like, even when I was at 36 mins it was hard enough to cope and stay positive!

MAN!!!!! Why do I have to have this illness? It’s ruining EVERYTHING!!!

At my current best (a few weeks ago) I could manage a cafe with a friend on a good day and maybe 10/15 mins of singing practice.

It’s no life.

My friends go to work and go out at the weekends. The have work lives, social lives and love lives… and I’m just here occasionally swiping on bumble and having some meaningless conversation with some hot guy I can probably never meet anyway.

And if I do ever meet any of these guys are they ever going to want to date someone with a chronic illness? You should have swiped left mate!

Ugh, ok now that I got that out of my system I guess its back to the routine. Back to graded exercise and timed walks. Back to stopping all negative thoughts (which is MEGA hard to do by the way!!!) and building my strength back up.

One of my best friends said something to me today that has really stuck in my head. She said ‘Alice, you’re like the stock market babe, (LOL) it’s gonna keep going up and down in these little waves but over all it IS going up’ and this is true.

I am doing better than when I started from literally being sat on the sofa ALL DAY in august 17 and of course better than the years I spent solidly in bed and in a wheelchair in my teens.

I have to keep that in mind and to keep being ridiculously patient and accepting of this situation.

(BTW that meme made me laugh way too much) ...

I know I shouldn’t  compare myself to my friends. My life isn’t like theirs and that’s going to have to be ok. Of course there are people in worse situations than I am but everything is relative and it’s also ok to want more from your own life.

I had a message from a girl just the other day who is 14 and has just been diagnosed with M.E.

Her situation so similar to mine as that’s when I became ill too. She has just left school. same time as I did, and reading her message made me cry so much.

What does the future hold for her??

Is it going to be like mine? Will she recover after 10 years of constant struggle? 10 years and then have relapses for the next 5 years every time she does that little bit too much and will never be able to live a normal life?

Will it be like my brothers?? Who got M.E. at 16 and by the age of 28 made a full recovery??

Or will it be like Merryn Crofts who died recently after a 6 year battle with the illness.

It breaks my heart that this illness is still so unheard of and misrepresented.

To think that some doctors still don’t believe it is real is an outrage.

M.E. effects more than 17 million people and it’s time for change. We need more funding desperately- without which there will never be more understanding, and never a cure.

Research into male pattern baldness gets six times more federal funding in the US than research into ME/CFS

For 25 years ME/CFS has been near the bottom of the list when it comes to funding for research

These numbers say it all. NIH spends around $115 million on MS research every year. For ME/CFS, the number is $5 million. (Source: NIH Categorical Spending).

One single year of MS research equals about 23 years of ME/CFS research. That is just about all ME/CFS research ever done.The same comparison with arthritis shows that one year of arthritis research translates into 50 years of ME/CFS research. And one year of NIH spending on HIV/AIDS is the equivalent of about 600 years’ worth of ME/CFS grants.

I urge you to watch a documentary on Netflix called ‘Unrest’

It is about Jen Brea’s battle with the illness and is also a love story full of fascinating medical information and mind-blowing political stories too.

There is also apparently a documentary coming out soon to the BBC and I am eagerly awaiting that, and longing for more awareness and understanding.

We need help….. if you are rich please let me know LOL (actually serious though!)

I have also been spending a little bit go time trying to raise more awareness of invisible illnesses on my Instagram, Facebook and twitter pages (links at the bottom) as I have faced such negativity from the general public on tubes and busses recently.

I have a TFL Please Offer Me Your Seat badge and card and I face constant judgement fro people when I need to use it.

They look me up and down and sometimes tut. I’ve had people aggressively ask me ‘what’s wrong with you?’ And give me a look as if to make out I am lying etc especially on days when I have makeup on (living ma best life) or when I am wearing a tracksuit…. Ill people wear active wear too… we just aint active in it!!

I think I own more tracksuits and hoodies than anything else and I’ve never set food in a gym!

Anyway, people need to learn that not all illnesses and disabilities are visible, and to be more thoughtful and kind to each other. Travelling on public transport is hard enough for someone who is struggling let alone having to face this…. So I wrote to the Mayor of London (yaaaaas queen) and am hoping after so many of you lovely people shared in on your Insta stories too he might just see it!

Let’s watch this space eh!

That’s all I’ve got for this week, back to lightning process and graded exercise therapy for me…. But only becasue it’s the only option!! What else am I meant to do eh!

Patience and acceptance my mantra.

Keep on keeping on you lot… one day we WILL know more about what this illness is and we WILL have a cure. One day x

I am also sending love and strength to the friends and family of Merryn Crofts.

Please feel free to get in touch I promise I will reply even if it takes a lil while! - On here or my website is www.aliceella.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliceellagram

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AliceEllaMusic

Twitter: https://twitter.com/alice_ella_

[aliceellablog]

Setbacks, acceptance, and a £50 fart.

12/03/2018

So I think the worse I feel mentally, the more I feel like I need to write. The more I feel like I need to get it all off my chest and on to paper… or rather a screen. The more I feel like I need to vent and to share my story. Fuck knows why, but I do.

This is a bit of a weird one, because just two weeks ago I was planning on writing such a full on positive blog about how much better things had been going - I was finally ACTUALLY making progress, and now, just catching a stupid bloody cold has like, fully sent me over the edge. Maybe I need to grow a pair of hairy balls. Or not… Ew.

So yea, lemme take you back to a few weeks ago first, and then we’ll deal with the current climate (say what?!)

When I started fully putting my all in to doing Graded Exercise Therapy it was October 2017 (having done it on and off for… holy shit.. 15 years) and so I started it all over AGAIN by starting at doing a 10 minute walk a day and not much else. Long story short, after constant ups and downs I had now managed to get to 42 minutes of walking a day and I was about to increase to 50!!!! Yes 50 I tells ya!!!

I had been sticking to it WAY more strictly than ever before and to help my mental state and help me cope I had finally managed to start using the Lightning Process again (a neurolinguistic programming technique) which was definitely helping.

I was feeling genuinely positive, managing my walk ok, and even doing other tiny bits here and there like spending a little bit more time with friends and family and cooking a bit more - that kind of thing!

Then last last Thursday was my birthday… holy shit you guys would literally not believe how god damn old I just turned. Ugh!!! WHYYY!!! 

I’d had a lovely few days the week before with my mum and step dad who spoilt me rotten and was now back in London to spend it with my best pals :)

We went out for dinner just a 5 minute walk up the road to the best Turkish you’ve ever tasted - I am talking the chicken wings dreams are made of! (Sorry veggies)

I had a lovey evening with the gals, and when we got home all was a-ok!

Then about an hour later it was like someone had got the flu virus and injected it into my throat. I was dying - Ok obvs I was nowhere near death but you know me ;)

I knew I was getting ill. Ill on top of regular ill… if that makes sense! NOOOOO!!!!

The next week I spent fully in bed or on the sofa watching endless episodes of Queer Eye (the new fav tele show!!!) and Celebs go dating and all sorts of crap - no wonder I felt so shit ;) I knew I had a cold so I could accept that and just rest and ‘know’ that I would get better soon.

Then another few weeks later brings me to here. The cold symptoms are just about gone, but I honestly feel like I’ve been run over by a bus. twice. Fuck that, three times.

It’s only been about three weeks since I last left the house but I feel like my entire world has come crashing down.

I think I felt like I was finally getting somewhere and then the realistic nature of this bloody illness has just gone ‘Nope!! You can’t even leave the house and go to a restaurant with your friends! Don’t be ridiculous!!’ Which sucks. A lot.

Why am I so bad at acceptance and being patient?

OMG! That reminds me! So… about a month or two ago, I was really not doing well again, and so I decided I needed to admit that I needed help and guidance and go and see a therapist to help me cope with it all.

It did not go well.

Basically she needed to get a bloody hearing aid and she didn’t know what the hell I was talking about most of the time! I kept having to repeat myself… while crying, which was kinda awkward!

She was pretty old and… well… her ‘chair’ kept making noises during the session… which I thought was a little strange... then at the end, when she went out of the room to get my change, she let out the loudest fart I think I’ve ever heard.

I mean… ok at least that did make me laugh… but on a serious note, she didn’t say one thing of any help at all and I left feeling utter shite bags.

No help at all and a fart, all for the measly cost of £50. Money well spent there I think you’ll agree! (I’ve been trying to get help on the NHS since October and still nothing. Cool)

I just don’t know how I am ever meant to get truly better though. Or if I’ll ever actually well enough to live my life and do the one thing I want to more than anything - my music.

I get offers to do gigs, photoshoots and interviews etc most days and it’s just crushing me.

I feel like I’m just sat here watching my career fail, eating copious amounts of food (while trying not to get fat) and for some reason putting posts on Instagram that look like I’m having the best time. Ugh. What’s the fucking point in that?

Someone said something to me the other day actually that really made me think. A fellow spoonie friend who has ME too said that she felt like she was grieving the loss of her own life.

Grieving. Coming to terms. Acceptance. This makes perfect sense to me. Finally a word that I actually feel accurately describes how I am feeling.

If I am going to be how I am now for the rest of my life,  then that would mean no career, no dating / love life, no real social life and for me that’s no real life at all. I want to be successful or at least know I did all I could to be successful. I want to have a family. I want to be happy.

Could I be happy without all or any of these things? I’m really not sure.

Moments of happiness maybe.

Sorry if this is a bit deep lol… I think I am just trying to come to terms with all of this and hope that anyone reading this feels a little less alone. I worry because someone I’m very close to has said to me on a number of occasions ‘you shouldn’t write your blog, I can’t even read it it’s too depressing’

Are they right?

I don’t know.

All I hope is that as time passes I WILL start to do a little better again and that you guys can come with me on that journey. I will find a way to cope with this because I have to.

When you have an illness with no cure or treatment the only person with any power to do anything is YOU. The fact is that no-one can help me, no-one but myself.

I have to find a way to turn this around and accept the limitations I have. I have to find a way to be happy even if all I’ve done in a day is watch Netflix and chill.. and I don’t mean in that way… man I wish I DID mean it in that way ;) 

But seriously… I know I’ve come back from worse set backs in the past and I know that there is a way to switch things around and start building back up again. Then I’ll blog about how fucking great everything is… but for now you’re stuck with me, and I’m stuck with M.E. - BOOM!! Mic Drop!! Lyrics for daaaays!!! … sorry I am pretty impressed with myself for that one!

PLEASE don’t hesitate to contact me if you have been reading my blog. Always love to hear from y’all :)

Love and strength to anyone out there suffering x and love to those of you supporting us too xxx

[aliceellablog]

Christmas and New Years with M.E.

07/01/2018

Ok, so I think it’s time to vent…

OMG! Christmas! YAY! The time for happiness, giving, spending time with family, seeing all your mates, parties, alcohol, food, and having the best time ever!!! - Well that can fuck right off can’t it!

Just cos’ it’s Xmas doesn’t mean that your illnesses and troubles just magically disappear! If anything it probably brings them to the surface more and makes you realise just how little you can do. Great.

I haven’t had a drink all year! - jokes (cos thats like 7 days) …If you have to explain your jokes they’re not funny! Anyway- I haven’t had a drink since July and I really miss it… well I also haven’t been to a party since then either… or socialised…or left the house to do anything other than go to bloody Sainsbury’s… I have eaten food though… cos you know…. I’m still alive and all that.

There’s so much pressure to be well at xmas, which obviously isn’t even like, on the scale of being possible, but so many people invited me out to parties etc and although it’s great that they haven’t completely forgotten I exist .....babe? Like really? Oh ok, I’ll spend 6 months in my bedroom and then come to your party cos it’s Xmas? Yea right.

It’s weird - I feel like I am pretty public about my health issues- if anything probably too much - but people obviously just don’t really take it in… Someone text me the other day actually and it really hit a sore spot - he asked why I hadn’t answered his calls and I replied apologising and saying sorry that I didn’t feel up to chatting on the phone at the time and his reply pissed me RIGHT OFF. He said, and I quote ‘Whatever... Unicorn impressions in a forest??’

ANNOUNCEMENT: INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL LIFE!!!!!!

What is wrong with peoples bloody brains!!! Sorry, but lets just think about this for a minute…

So I got home to Sussex on December 23rd and was so shattered from the train journey that I had to nap and couldn’t do anything with the fam that eve… I don’t really get why travelling is so damn tiring, like you’re only sat there being awake and breathing really….  anyway... then the next day I had my one of my best friends round and yes I actually felt up to seeing her (which is a bloody miracle) We had a lovely catch up and her Xmas gift to me was THE UNICORN ONESIE!!! - Yes, she is the one responsible for this moment!

We thought it would be hilarious for me to put it on and have a pic in the forest which is literally about 10 steps from the house - she convinced me to put wellington boots on my hands and get down on all fours (obviously) and it was so so funny I haven’t laughed that much in forever! 10 seconds later we were back on the sofa! Job done!

Does taking 20 paces and posing for a photo mean that I am now miraculously better? No

Does it mean I’ll do anything for the gram? Yes ;)

But in all seriousness, I wish people would realise that I am trying to portray the fun positive person that I feel is trapped inside my body, and to have fun and be happy whenever I can, even if it’s just for a few minutes! God if I put up pics of me looking like a zombie on the sofa all day every day I think I’d lose a fair few followers ;) ... ok maybe I do it sometimes....always with a filter though ;) 

Anyway, sorry I went off on a right little tangent there! Unicorn day was Xmas eve and after my friend left I was pretty shattered so again just rested for the rest of the day.

When I woke up on Xmas day I could tell that I felt pretty ropey but not too terrible, I wanted to look and feel nice so I did my makeup (which I hardly ever bother to do these days) and ‘helped’ my mum cook the xmas lunch… basically I stood around for a bit, got in the way a lot, and helped lay the table. What would she have done without me huh!

Xmas dinner wash so damn good, but… how can I put it… let’s just say it didn’t go down too well and that was me done for the afternoon. Fucking Crohns disease, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Sorry, TMI but I couldn’t really care less ;) Then that evening we played an exciting game of snakes and ladders and watched a film. lavley.

In the eve I went for my daily walk - I am trying so so so hard to stick to my GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) and didn’t feel up to doing it but pushed through it as per, and did it.

When I started the GET this time around I started at the beginning of October on a 10 minute walk a day (and nothing else other than making food, and pottering about the house really) - Now it’s January and I’m on 25 minutes. It’s great that I have made an improvement, but not gonna lie, I thought I’d be on like an hour by now and could start doing some songwriting or focusing on other things, but nah. Still doing the walking.

Anyway the walk that night just about finished me off and I felt awful afterwards… for a week! FS!

Boxing Day I was pretty much in tears most of the day (sorry family!) and on the sofa and same for the rest of the week - I managed to travel back up to my Dad’s place for Xmas numero due, but felt like utter arse.

At least the main activity at my dads was watching films YEP and flying this little drone thing around home made obstacle courses YEP - which I could join in with whilst sat on my arse lol - We did have a nice time though and it was so good to spend so much time with all my family at least! I am so lucky to have them and am so close to them all, so that’s definitely something eh :)

Then it was back to my place in London for a few more days resting before NYE! The most overrated night of the year!

I was really so touched this year as some of my housemates decided to stay in with me :) To be honest I am still unsure of wether they genuinely wanted to or if they felt they had to, but either way I appreciated it SO MUCH!

I was really worried that they’d all go out -  but of course I told them that it would be genuinely fine and I’d have been happy for them to go- but maybe they just saw straight through that!

I was really scared about how I would cope with being sat on my own in bed when the clock struck midnight - I know it sounds a bit overdramatic, and it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing at that moment, but I think it says so much about your life. Sorry, I am welling up typing this, but I think it says a lot to be sat on your own seeing in the new year and I truly hope that none of you guys had to do that. I guess it still upsets me so freakin’ much that I just can’t do the ‘normal’ things that all of my friends can, ya know?

HOWEVER! I ended up having a lovely evening with Grace, Nicki and Tilly- we got masses of takeaway, watched a few shit films, and even saw a few fireworks from our garden :) How romantic! And having been so worried about having a complete breakdown, I didn’t even cry once! YAS!

Oh and we even all dressed in pink and made unicorn cupcakes! Winning? I think so! #PinkParty

So….2018 you little fucker!! What have you got in store for me this year?

You’ll be relieved to hear that so far I have been feeling pretty positive and I always love the opportunity for a fresh start!

I have been going for my walk every day and trying to put less pressure on myself - I think the thing that makes all of this so hard is that fact that I am so driven and wanting so much to have a successful career in the music industry- even typing that again makes me get all teary again but I HAVE to accept that it’s not going to happen just yet- and that patience is the key!

I have so many songs finished and ready to release, I just need to get well enough to have the energy to release them, and to make some new music videos etc. I am really really hoping that I might be able to do one in the summer maybe, and take it from there. But for now my health has to be my number one priority.

I’ll write again in feb! Let’s see if I can get to say 35 min walk by then eh! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading this, please don’t hesitate to get in touch and to follow my blog would be amaze!!! :)

Also, just as a last call, if anyone would like to purchase any of my merchandise, all of the profits are going to the charity Action for M.E. so your support would be hugely appreciated! You can see it all on the merch tab on my website www.aliceella.com :) Thanks guys :) xxx

[aliceellablog]

Hi Alice, just wanted to say you came across as lovely on the show. I read your blog (which was really interesting) and all the things you mentioned about talking about cats a lot, how you might have seemed insensitive with his mother's death, how you came across on the money thing... well, that's all irrelevant so don't worry about it. You came across almost magical. Keep being awesome, keep being you, ignore any idiots, good luck with the single and good luck in love! B

Hey B:) Thanks so much for your message! Aw thank you - yea it’s so difficult cos you have no control over how they edit the show!! But it’s all good :) Don’t worry I ignore all the haterz ;) And thank you for your good luck message :) means a lot!I’ve just now posted a new blog too if you fancy a read!

Hope all is well, Alice :)

[aliceellablog]

CBT 1 - Alice 0

16/11/2017

So I'm fucking miserable and I'm gonna write about it. If you don't wanna hear it (don't blame ya!) don't read! And if you do, well…. Misery loves company eh!!

So last blog I explained how rubbish things had been and that I’d made the decision to really be positive (LOL) and be really dedicated to doing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and GET (graded exercise therapy) to try and get a bit better and have more consistency.

Well I fucked that right up didn’t I!

I've really been trying and have made no progress. I guess I haven't got any worse at least... but you're meant to do your baseline amount every day (in my case a 25min walk) and NO more and then build very slowly from there each week-

I messed it up so many times all for various reasons - some of them unavoidable like being in hospital and them making you walk around 5 different bloody floors giving in different blood samples and forms etc, some like being stuck in a queue in the supermarket (should I just leave the trolley there and then go home with no food?) and then days when I felt so ill I didn’t make it out the house... man it's tricky.

So anyway, a month in and I am still trying to have 4 good days in a row where I do 25 mins walk so that I can then increase! -

However, now I'm in bed with a throat infection / coldy thing and it'll prob be a while before I get back to it. Balls!

I've been reading lots about other methods of getting better from this thang (M.E./C.F.S), and a lot of them include positive thinking so that you don't get worse or aggravate your symptoms by releasing the bad chemicals when you're stressed or upset... I agree with this but I am just finding it too hard to be positive at the moment…and like, I know I have a proper actual illness so is thinking positively actually going to make me better??

It's like I am constantly TRYING to be in denial because whenever I allow myself to actually think about the reality of what my life is right now I feel genuinely heart broken.

When someone says to me 'how are you today?' How am I meant to reply to that?? Most of the time I ask them how they are instead or skip the question and that seems to always work... but it's really weird like, if I say 'I'm ok thanks, you?' It's like I don't want them to think I'm fine because I am so NOT ok!!! And I want them to understand obvs…. but then I can't say the truth every day? Cos I'm sure it's not fun to be my friend and deal with this all the time #awks -

But then why do I have a NEED for people to understand?? Why do I care so much what people think about me? - I think that’s why I find it hard to do the positive thinking / lightning process thing as you have to literally lie to people - reply to the how are you’s with ‘Yea I’m great thanks’ and hide it all. AH! My head is such a mess... I’m sure I sound genuinely mental right now... but I kinda just feel like giving up. 

I literally have friends who I have reached out to and told just how bad I am feeling - even cried down the phone to them and they are obviously as nice and as caring as they can be at the time, but once they hang up of course they are back into their own world (as I am mine) and I don’t hear from them again. 

I think it’s a really tough position to be in, because its like, the more often you are unwell / stuck at home etc, the more you need people to be there for you, but the more wearing it is on them. 

I don’t blame them - it’s like the friend who keeps getting back with her ex even though you are there for her through every breakup and keep telling them not to - (by the way I have SO never done that.....) LOL... where was I... yea so it’s like ‘not again!’ in peoples heads, but I’m not doing this on purpose!!! 

Thing is, I know I have SO much - family, friends, a roof over my head - (although to be honest not necessarily for long as I have no income and... well...rent!) - food, water, I can most days look after myself - (shower and cook for myself etc) - but I just don't feel fulfilled, or happy.

I feel so fucking miserable. There I said it. I hate it - I can't do the one thing I want to (my career) and it's because I'm not well enough!

Like, it's just so frustrating. And then when I have little good patches I'm so bloody desperate that I start booking in sessions or gigs and then having to cancel them or doing one and then being so tired after (I'm talking weeks in bed) that I wish I'd never have done it!!!

It's been a few weeks now since I did a really cool nail-art job, and even that has completely messed me up. So even though I’ve had to put the singing and songwriting on hold and try and focus on being a nail technician and working from home, I'm starting to face the same problems- like getting awesome opportunities with THAT career and then being frustrated that I can't do them either!!! UGH!!!

I wish I had like, just normal problems… does that sound weird?? Like I wanna be upset because a boy I like isn’t texting me or because my boss is being a bit of a dick, or I twisted my ankle playing tennis (RANDOM) But instead I’ll listen to my friends (rightly so) complain about all that kinda stuff while my head wants to explode. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m the only one with real problems, and I am only comparing myself to the friends and family I see or speak to like all the time, or to the classic ‘instagram life’ I trawl through every day... I’m just venting, and that’s whats on my mind- which is kinda the point of this right?? 

Is everything relative though? Its so shit because I think I should feel lucky for all the great things I DO have in my life, but then when you feel so unwell all day every day, its really hard to do that.

Even the smaller things have been harder more recently too, like the one time my friends and I all booked in to go to the cinema together, guess what?? I wasn’t well enough to go. The one time it's something I should be able to - it's a bus straight there and back, and then being sat down the whole time, and I just didn't feel up to it at all. Fuck sake. Although…. They did say the film was shit lol.

Anyway, I do want to ask y’all some questions while I have you here!! - Has anyone reading this had M.E. and got better? Or know anyone who has?

And if you have a chronic illness, how do you cope?? How do you learn to accept it and be ‘happy’?

Oh, I’ve got a good one… how the hell do ya pay rent when you’re not well enough to work but too ‘well’ to pass that bloody PIP benefits health test thing - (bloody wankers think that because I can lift my arms above my head I am obviously well enough to work a full time job..yep… that’s how it works!)

Ugh, anyway… is it weird that I feel better for writing all that?! I'm not sure, all I hope is that anyone reading this that really can relate feels less alone. That's another thing. It's so lonely and you are the only person who truly knows how much you are struggling and the only one who can find that inner strength to carry on. But we HAVE to. I think of the people who truly love me and how much love and support they give me - I carry on for them, and in the hope that life will turn around some time soon...

So for now I will carry on with CBT / GET every day - once I get over this stupid coldy thing, and maybe 2018 will be my year eh? ... ok I say that every year and look what happens 😂🙈 

PLEASE message me if you’ve read this and wanna chat :) It makes me so happy to hear from ya and kinda gives this whole thing a bit of purpose :) x 

My website: www.aliceella.com

Instagram: @aliceellagram

Nail art instagram (accepting bookings now!): @aliceellanailart

[aliceellablog]

Holiyay?

*08/10/17*

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long... ironic when you’re not well enough to write your blog about your illness aint it!?! 

Anyway, I’m gonna cut right to the chase. Instagram vs real life is such an issue for me. One I probably need to get over…. It’s so hard I don’t know wether I should try and only post positive fun photos and make it look like I’m having a right old great fucking time or to keep it more ‘real’? But then no-one wants to see pics of an ill sad girl and it’ll probably just look like I’m trying to get attention.

I guess this blog is my outlet for now…

I have people who are close to me who tell me that if I post about being ill all the time I’ll never get booked for work or gigs, but then when it comes to my (failing) career as an artist I want to be real. I want to be honest and build a genuine following of people who care enough to join me on the real journey??Answers on a postcard please thanks.

So if you’ve seen the recent Insta posts you will have seen that I managed to go on holiday with my besets friends - genuine yay!I’ve never been away with friends before and could not wait to get ma body in the sun!! Oh that sweet sweet vitamin D!

But maybe I underestimated how tiring travelling was and how hard it would be…

Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret going and there were some really genuinely lovely times - that and I feel so much closer to my friends, but I’ve been back home now for three weeks and I’m just about making it to the supermarket or doing small tasks around the house each day. BIG FAT MEH.

I know I say it a lot but M.E. is so fucking frustrating!!! Because the more you push through and try and go for it the worse you get, so you physically can’t just get on with things- and the pay back is hell.

So on the way there we had the biggest nightmare…. I met Katie, Grace, Tilly, and Nicki at the airport and all was chill- I was feeling pretty shit but not too terrible. We had a bit of food at the Wetherspoons - keeping it classy - and then all went off to get out bits and bobs from Boots, WHSmiths etc - classic airport essentials!! - now… I’ll spare you the details… but I also have Crohns disease, and was not tooooo well!! It seemed that all of a sudden our gate was called… and I was… erm… busy…

I was as quick as I could be (awks), but there is no rushing somethings man!!! We were all panicking on the WhatsApp group and I told the gals I would meet them at the gate… Grace (bless her heart) said she would wait for me - she went to the information desk and told them my situation and asked if we could get a wheelchair or one of those buggy things to assist us to the gate - which of course was the furthest one away!!!

Do you know what they said to her??

‘You have four minutes until the gate closes and you won’t get there in time. You have to go now and leave your friend’ Grace being Grace said no, and waited for me. She tried to explain but they said to her ‘If she’s ill she shouldn’t be travelling’ - THANKS GATWICK - REAL BIG HELP THERE!!

Anyway… I came out of the toilets (why oh why am I selling you all this hahahaha) and found Grace - we had less than 4 minutes to do like a good 10 minute walk.

I don’t think I’ve moved so fast in a long time!! We were proper power walking through the airport and Grace would break into a jog at some points. I was fast trailing behind her shouting ‘just go!’ ‘Go on without me!’ Which of course she didn’t….

Stress levels were ridiculous, and I almost collapsed on an escalator - I sat and G rubbed my back…. After what seemed like a marathon we got to the gate… where everyone was sat chilling and they hadn’t even stared boarding yet. cool. whatever… Then Tilly comes walking up behind us as my body is shaking and I start to cry from all the adrenaline- ‘oh hey guys! you got here quick!’ - yea Tilly… real quick….LOL

By that time my legs were utter jelly and I thought I was going to pass out - very pleasant- but we all got on the plane and were laughing so hard at the messages of sheer panic in the WhatsApp group! We were all SO RELIEVED that we had made it!! I literally thought I had ruined everyone’s holiday!! - oops!! Never eating before a flight again! ;)

So we got to Spain and yet again the airport staff were assholes - I was as you can imagine feeling awful and there was a huge queue to get through passport control- I had my disabled parking badge with me as way of proof (people look at me and just don’t get it) and so Kaite and I asked if there was any where I could sit to wait for the queue to go down or any way we could go to the front. After they’d asked ‘where is the disabled girl?’ looking straight past me, and told me no, we’d had enough and just walked straight through while they shouted ‘Policia’ at us etc…. Luckily the police did not come and we went straight through!

What is it with these people?? Like even if I was a healthy girl who became ill on the plane they should WANT to help someone who is asking for assistance??

They can all get in the bin. End of.

So next was the drive (thank you Nicki for driving on the other side of the road for us all!!) to the villa and then we were there! Bloody exhausting.

The gals all then went out for dinner and I went to bed and ate a gluten free pot noodle I had packed in ma suitcase. Living the dream I tell ya!

The next day I was feeling pretty awful and chilled all day by the pool - now of course I am not complaining as I am so lucky to have been able to go on holiday at all, but that day, and most of the time actually, it was just a massive head fuck.

How was I was sat by the pool, surrounded by palm trees in the gorgeous sun, yet all I felt like doing was crying. I couldn’t shake it.

I didn’t want to be with my friends and I didn’t have the energy to make conversation, but kept trying and didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s holiday or be a downer.

Some of the time it just felt I was like having salt rubbed in my wounds right in my face. I was surrounded by four other healthy girls doing what I wished I could be.

I guess at home where I can escape to my room, and the fact that they are all at work everyday, it’s a little easier to cope.

But watching them all have fun and go out without me, and drink wine every night etc. was just a bit rubbish I guess.

I’m sure I sound ridiculous but you can’t help what you feel, and that’s what I felt.

The second night I went for dinner with them all but got so unwell I was in tears at the dinner table and got a cab home and left them to it. Fuck sake. (Sorry for all the swearing… just feel strongly lol)

I did improve a bit as the holiday went on, and my god they were all SO helpful and caring - always carrying the sun lounger out to the pool for me, and making me food when I was super tired (great omelette’s Nix!!), taking my suitcase for me at the airport, all that kinda stuff - and for that I thank them all, I must have been such a burden always having to be ‘looked after’ and I hated that. But they were beyond wonderful. Love you all SO MUCH!!

Then Emily arrived for the last few days which was awesome as we don’t get to see her as much now she’s moved out- so that was cool and we had a really lovely day at the beach which I genuinely enjoyed and did feel a little better - oh and I got duck pancakes that day too… nuff said!! :)

On the Saturday we had decided to have our one ‘night out’ -it was really nice to all get dolled up and as most of us are single now there was a lot of banter with the bar staff etc!

But again I was there drinking a Diet Coke and they were there making bloody boomerangs of them cheersing with their champagne glasses and getting drunk. God I am bitter!! hahaha

How do I always end up writing about my long to get drunk on this blog haha…. I just really miss it I guess… It’s hard cos my personality is so full of get up and go and lets go get drunk and dance!!! But instead I get to a club, can’t drink and all I think about is where can I sit down and what time shall I get a cab home on my own.

Wow… I really can complain huh!!!

On a positive note- I did have a dance that night!! Ok it was for maybe like 2 songs and it was more of a side step LOL but it felt really good! … and again…. Bar staff were on fleeek - for a laugh Nicki and I went up and she dared me to ask for his number… which I did…he was like the most gorgeous man I had ever seen!! But he had to get a woman over to translate as he didn’t understand a word I was saying and then when he did give me his number he asked if I spoke Spanish… to which I said no…. Most pointless exchange ever but Nicki and I were dying laughing and then just kinda ran away! I felt 13 again!

Then Grace did a high kick on the dance floor and fell flat on her face - and got glass in her hand. Doh! Oh Grace- your dance moves make me so happy- man I wish I could do crying laughing emojis on here!!!

-Don’t worry, Grace got looked after! After being told she would need stitches by the bar staff, she ended up in A&E but came home a mere plaster

Anyway I am rambling now -

After that night again I felt terrible and didn’t make it out to dinner with the gals but was glad I had made it out in the first place. I sat and ate chocolate watching the sunset instead. All good ;)

Then the journey home of course was pretty rubbish - British Airways you suck balls. - We pre booked assistance on the way home after our first ordeal! But this then meant waiting on the (very cold) plane for another half an hour, then being wheeled to a dark hallway and being left sat there alone (no staff anywhere) for about 45 minutes. We got so fed up that Katie found a few wheelchairs and stole one- I mean if they’re not gonna help we will help ourselves… it was at that moment that the buggy arrived and faffed about for a long time and then took us through passport control etc. LONG. Would have probably been less tiring to walk but then you never know how far it is!

After hitting my head at the train station I arrived home to Sussex where my mum picked me up.

Then HOME!! Oh the joy!! Bed with my cat! YAAAASSSS!!!

Unfortunately the next day I had hospital in the morning but it was to see a consultant I’ve been waiting forever to see who is giving me a trail of some new medication.

I don’t want to get my hopes up so am trying not to think about it but my god I am PRAYING that it might just help! - I’ll let ya know ;)

So now that I am back in London I am back to trying to do small realistic tasks each day and build back up from there. It’s depressing. It’s frustrating. It’s lonely. But it has to be done.

Much love for anyone who has actually read that!!! Means so much and am just trying to turn a negative into a positive - I enjoy writing this and hope that someone in a similar situation might be able to relate, and that someone who has never heard of M.E. might gain a little understanding.

Please get in touch if you wanna chat :)

My website: www.aliceella.com

Insta: @aliceellagram

MWAH x

[aliceellablog]

I wish...

I wish I could have really enjoyed my single launch gig and not just focused on trying to get through it.

I wish I didn’t have to rest in bed for two weeks after performing for 45 minutes.

I wish I could follow my dream and put everything into it.

I wish I didn’t have M.E.

I know I sound like a right moany Mary, but it just sucks. So a few days before the gig I was feeling really rubbish, but had over 200 people on the guest list including industry, friends, family and fellow musicians, so by that time there was no real option but to power through and do it! Thank god for adrenaline!

I had to head into town for around 4pm for sound check, which went well, but that was basically singing the whole set through before the gig had even begun! Then I went to get my hair and makeup done (Thank you so much Harry and Katie!!) and by the time I got back to the venue it was 8pm, the support acts were on, and I was performing in an hour! AHHH!!! I tried to relax and do some vocal warm ups but I was so freakin’ nervous!!!

I had Nick filming me, who was making a lil’ behind the scenes video (now on youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WnqT7RnoAM - Thanks Nick!!!) and I was also trying to be a good ‘host’ and talking to everyone backstage etc…. I should have had a nap or something really!!

Anyway, 9pm came and it was tiiiime!!!!

My god, nothing feels better than walking on stage to a packed out room of people who are there to support you- What an AMAZING crowd too!!! I can’t thank everyone enough who came down and it was SO lovely to see you all!!! I sang my 45 min set with my amazing band and everything went as well as it could have! There were a few times when I really had to stop between songs and have a little drink of water and BREATHE!!! -I was so out of breath and obviously found the whole thing exhausting but it felt like the audience really understood and had my back!

During the gig I did chat a LOT of rubbish but did try and explain my M.E. and what I was going through a little bit. There was a moment where I almost broke down into tears on stage but I pulled it together and probably made a bunch of inappropriate jokes. I shouldn’t be allowed a microphone!!!

I was selling merchandise there too- the money of which is going to the charity I am working with ‘Action for M.E.’ and was so happy at the amount of teeshirts, cd’s, and pens sold and people donated too! - If you would like to buy any just gimme a shout, I still have some left ;)

So the last song we performed was the new single ’24 Obsession’ and it was actually mental… people KNEW THE WORDS!!! I was so overwhelmed that I took one of my friends phones from the front row of the audience and filmed them as they sang along!! MIND BLOWN hahaha - there’s a first time for everything and that moment is something I will never forget!!

So two and a half weeks later and I am finally starting to leave the house again and be up and about a bit more! I don't know what's worse, being given a taste of what life could be like and it taken away from you every time, or just not tasting it at all…

To be honest I think it was all the preparation, admin and pressure that took it out of me so much as well as the gig itself! Putting on a gig completely by yourself takes a lot of work! Especially when you feel like shit!!

From booking support acts, to the band and band rehearsals, ordering merchandise with money you don’t have, and not knowing if you will sell any!! To booking the venue, photographer, hair and makeup, videographers, DJ, host, outfit, invites!!! And then actually getting people to sign up to the guest list and come to the gig!! Advertising the gig, learning the songs, releasing the single!!!!! It all adds up, and was really quite stressful! But I do want to thank EVERYONE involved as you all helped so much!! - Support acts killed it!! - Louise Golbey, Joshua KYEOT and Beat Fox - DJ and Host Nate James was amazing :) - my band were beyond unreal!!! - Manolo, Martin, Matt and Frankie <3 and I even had the amazing Jamie Nichols doing magic on the audience at the bar!! :) 

Hopefully one day I will be in a position where I can focus on the music and the performing, but I guess for now its still just lil’ old me tryna get my music heard!

So after the gig I met as many of the audience as I could and was so overwhelmed by the support <3 And then it was home time…. Via McDonald’s with one of my besties Grace!! YAAAASSSS!!! - my god that maccers was probably one of the best of my life!!

I went to bed at around 1am but didn’t fall asleep until around 7am!!! That’s classic Brian for ya!! He can be such an asshole!! (Brian aka my brain)

But then I slept most of the next day and the day after that too…

I knew I’d be knackered afterwards but I didn’t think it would last for two weeks. I shouldn’t complain because I did it and it could have all gone a lot worse but just things like, I had to cancel a video shoot I had planned and that’s now not until October!!! LOOOONG!! So I guess patience is the key here!!

Anyway I am feeling super positive the last few days!! I’ve been REALLY trying to do that Lightning Process thing I’ve written about before and have found it really helpful, and I bought a FitBit but a cheap brand that was like £15 ;) It’s called a ‘VeryFit’ which is so ironic LOOOL!! But I am genuinely loving looking at how many steps I’ve done at the end of each day and seeing the progress that I am making!!

I HAVE to find a way to keep this up!! Plan for now :

1. Don’t over do it

2. Don’t under do it (so even if I feel like death I HAVE to leave the house and go for a walk)

3. Be stupidly positive!! (I have even taken to fake laughing around the house… which then leads to real laughing.. my housemates think I am mental.. they are correct)

4. Eat healthily (well… within reason!!!)

5. Gradually increase my activity level

6. Not put so much pressure on myself

7. Take each day as it comes

Plan?? I think so!!!

So today I have written this!! WOOP! And am gonna start sorting through all the CRAP I have to Ebay!!!! I literally have boxes upon boxes of clothes to sell.. oh the effort! I definitely have some kind of hoarding problem!! But then man needs the moneys!!! Then I’ll walk to Nero’s and get a soy hot choc YASSSS and then have a lovely chilled eve with the loves of my life :) (my housemates - well… best friends!! who have been ridiculously supportive through this whole thing!!!)

Please get in touch if you want to, don’t it you don’t want to ;) Also I went on London Live TV recently and spoke about ME etc a bit on there - heres the link ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOA7zmCQRXU ) :)  Sending love and hugs to everyone with this silly bladdy illness and one day we WILL figure all this out!!…or some amazing scientists will… PLEASE!! :) xx

[aliceellablog]

I know! Why don’t I go on a blind date on the tele....

Hello you lovely wonderful amazing blog readers… enough to make you wanna read on?! I hear flattery will get you everywhere!!

Soooo these last two weeks have been pretty surreal! - I’ll start where I left off, two weeks ago…

So I started the week resting in bed, yaaaaay! - (please note the sarcasm)… but then managed two days in the studio with Warren and Scott who I LOOOOVEEEEEE :)

We are working on a bunch of J-pop tracks (think pop on acid for the Japanese market) so that was really fun and I really love spending time with them.

We found out this week that two of them are on hold!! Yaaaaassss!! (this means that the artist who we wrote them for has basically put them in a pile of yes’s and then chooses which songs to actually release from that selection!) So definitely a massively exciting step in the right direction but can’t get too excited about it just yet! Eeeek!

However (dun dun duuuuuun) on the second day there I had pretty much lost my voice and was feeling worse than usual - annoying huh!! So I went home that evening and low and behold came down with a bladdy full on fluey coldy thing. Feck.

So I spent the next say 5 days fully in bed (and maybe an hour or two in the garden working on ma tan ;) and lost the will to live! Yay!!! (Sorry, today is a sarcastic day it would seem!)

I wasn’t well enough to see me dad on Fathers day - sorry pap!! And had to cancel all of my plans yet again.

It’s been 11 days now and I am still feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m still coughing a lot but the rest of the cold symptoms have gone - I think this is one of the most frustrating things with the old M.E. - that you can be getting on the right track and then get a cold or virus and it completely knocks you for six (not even sure what that means but my mum says it a lot so….) It’s almost like once the cold has gone it’s given you a mini M.E. relapse to deal with too. Thanks for that.

I did however have a much better day on Tuesday - I’d spent the day in bed but then felt a little better so got up, put my face on and had one of my best friends Ewa come over - she has been away in Asia for like 8 months or something! It was SO good to see her - even though she is a tanned goddess of a woman!!!! - the jealousy is REAL! Hahaha ;) But catching up with her was like we had never been apart (Ewa you’d better be reading this) hahah, we are so on the same wavelength, you know when you fully just click with someone? Yea… that’s her <3 - this pic is from last year when we went to Freinds fest togeths :) :)

So... that evening was one of the most surreal moments of my life I reckon!…. Watching myself go on a date on TV… as you do… on Channel 4’s First Dates!!

I think the reason I felt a bit better that day was actually because I had so much adrenaline and was so freakin’ nervous!!! The date was filmed months and months ago so it was quite the build up!!

My best friends and I all sat around the tele watching love island before hand… everyone was chilled and on their phones and I was sat there having a nervous breakdown… I could not keep still or quiet and pretty much had the most energy right there and then that I’ve ever had (yes I may be exaggerating as per) - but nerves do strange things to a person eh!

So then the clock struck 10pm and it was time!!! ARGHGHGHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

At one point we didn’t think I was even going to be on it because they kept our date right until the end but then suddenly there I was… what a strange moment!!

Cringe cringe cringe cringe cringe….

WHY did I talk about cats so much!!??

And WHY did I cry on national TV?! - actually I’ll tell you why!! When they do the interview bit they ask you questions for about 2 hours, so by the end I was exhausted and obviously trying to act positive and ‘well’ the whole time.

When they got onto the subject of my health they really did push it a lot…. ‘That must be awful’ ‘How do you cope?’ ‘How does that make you feel?’ ‘What about all your friends living their normal lives?’ yea… they found my weakness and basically asked me about it until I broke and cried… AWKWARD!! But I really don’t blame them at all, it’s one of the things I put in my application and something that I guess makes me who I am. They want to get the best tele possible and I guess I am glad in a way as it does truly represent how I feel about it!

It’s now up on Channel 4’s 4OD website by the way (my date comes on at around 30 mins in incase you don’t fancy watching the whole thing) and here is the link: (Series 8 Episode 10) : http://www.channel4.com/programmes/first-dates/on-demand/65067-009

Now here’s the thing… I had such a lovely time - luckily I was having quite a good day for the date so genuinely enjoyed it but it was so so tiring!! And you’ll never guess what- I caught a cold that evening and then died for quite a while afterwards!

Anyway, Luke was (as you will have seen) LOVELY and we really got on so well! He was funny and respectful and when I spoke about my health issues he seemed really understanding, I couldn’t have asked for more really!…well…ok I guess I could have, but it’s in no way his fault… I didn’t feel a spark or that ‘thing’ you feel when you meet someone and you really fancy them. I really honestly thought I was going to go on this date and fall in love so was actually really sad when I got home that evening…how embarrassing lol…

So during the date I went into the toilets (which for some reason they kept in) and then I called two of my bestests Katie and Grace on the phone- I spoke to them and said that I really wasn’t sure, and that I was a bit disappointed as there wasn’t that spark - Which they edited out?? But fair enough- they edited out a lot to be fair! We were there for hours and you guys saw maybe ten minutes!

Then at the end when you go into the room together and speak to camera about how the date went they said ‘so do you want to see each other again?’

Luke said yes straight away, and I then kind of pulled an awkward face, Luke said ‘ohhhhh… hesitation!!!’ And we laughed a lot. It was genuinely all good vibes. Then I went on to apologise and say something along the lines of ‘I’m so sorry I’m just not sure, like I don’t feel that spark etc but yea… I think you’re a lovely guy and we got on great so we will def keep in touch!’ ….First dates decided to just keep the latter part in the edit, and then at the end when they show all the ‘what happened next’ stuff, there was nothing about me and Luke!

They had called and asked if we had seen each other again which we hadn’t and they decided not to put that in.

I think that they maybe just wanted it to all come across really nicely and positively, which I do think is lovely but it’s not quite how it happened! That’s ok with me though :)

But… there is one bit that I really do wish was edited differently!!!! The money bit. WAHHHHH

So here’s what you guys saw pon d tele box:

The bill arrives and I say ‘Ah, I forgot my money’ - Luke offers to pay and I thank him.

What really happened:

Before the date you are kept in a greenroom - separate from your date of course as it really is a genuine ‘blind date’.

I was there for maybe two hours and was nervous as hell. You know your date is going to be soon but you’re not told an exact time. All of a sudden it was ‘Alice, we need to go and get you mic’d up’

So I went with them and left all my bags, and purse etc in this greenroom.

From being mic’d up and meeting various producers etc it was straight into the restaurant for the date and I was so nervous that I‘d genuinely forgotten that I hadn’t brought anything with me - not even my lipgloss!!! LOL

I was going on TV and having a blind date and had so much rushing around my head! To be honest I just wanted to get through it!!!

Then after our date when it came to paying I insisted on paying my half and Luke insisted on paying for it which was of course really sweet of him but I said no. I reached for my purse and looked around me and then had a moment of realisation!! I said something like ‘oh my god!! I am so so so sorry!!! You’ll never guess what I’ve gone and done?! I’ve left my purse in the greenroom!! Ah I forgot my money!!’ We laughed a lot about how badly it was going to come across and they just kept all of that out, so now I have to read all of these horrible tweets from people thinking that I just turned up on a date with no money - I would NEVER do that!!!!!

NAT COOL :( :( :(

The next day I did a little interview with Unilad and basically said all of that to them! I was happy to do that and they kept it true to what I had said :) But then the Daily Mirror stole their article and twisted it saying I had said the show was rigged!! Not fair! Not what I said at all! Oh well…..

Anyway I guess the people who know me and love me know that I would never do that, and I’ll just have to let the haterz hate ;)

Speaking of haterz (sorry it feels wrong to spell it with an ’s’) there have also been a few tweets or Facebook comments, from people who so clearly don’t understand M.E. and what its like to live with it :(

‘How come she can do wedding gigs but isn’t well enough to date?’ - I have recently had to take two years out from gigging due to having an M.E. relapse. This of course has broken my heart and been pretty damn hard to feel with, but VERY long story short I am now at the point where I am gigging again but not as often as I would like. I have a stool that I take with me that I kinda lean/sit on and try and style it out. I have to rest for days before and about a week after a gig. It’s really hard but I am trying my best. If anyone dares think I am exaggerating or lying they can absolutely do one!

M.E. is one of the most misunderstood illnesses as we usually look ‘fine’ and it is an ‘invisible illness’ but I am getting used to people not understanding now after 14 years of it!

I do remember once being in a food shop with my mum pushing me around in my wheelchair- she left me to go and get some bits for a few minutes and I wanted a sandwhich which was just out of reach from where I was sat. I got up out of my wheelchair, walked maybe 3 steps and got the sandwich - I noticed a man giving me the most kind of shocked ‘you liar’ look!! So I looked him in the eye, sat back down, brought my finger to my lips and did a ‘shhhhhh’  before my mum returned.

It was just like the Little Britain sketch! It’s so funny how people think that for example if you are in a wheelchair it HAS to mean that you can not walk at all!! At that stage I think I could walk a few paces, get in and out of the car and that’s about it- just because I could get the sandwich didn’t mean I could walk all around the shop or town!!

It’s a weird one to deal with and I know I talk about it a lot but it’s SO hard to explain! But like I say… I’m gon let the haterz hate.

On the other hand, I have received literally hundreds of messages from people thanking me for talking about M.E. on the tele and getting that little bit more awareness out there!

This in itself has made the whole thing completely worth while :)

I even had messaged saying things like - ‘I was watching with my sister and she hugged me for the first time about my M.E.’

I mean - wow…. messages like that just make me cry basically!!! (In a nice way!) And people saying that they feel inspired to see that I’ve made so much progress from the wheelchair days and that it IS possible to get better (even though of course I am nowhere near where I want to be but I can also see how far I’ve come). This makes me so so happy and I am going to do all I can to keep raising understanding and awareness of this illness.

Oh yea and one more thing that didn’t come across exactly how it happened or how I would have wanted it to was when Luke opened up to me about his mother having passed away. I was of course so shocked and felt so so sad for his loss - On screen you saw me say how sorry I was to hear that and then it jumped straight to a comment I made which was ‘I can’t even imagine what you went through, I’m very lucky I haven’t had to deal with grief really before. The only time I have is when my cat died’ ... now this is NOT what I meant - I had said for a fair few more minutes than was shown, that I was so sorry for his loss and I was trying to explain how I couldn’t relate or even imagine it- yes I mentioned my cats death but mean it in the way of - I have never been through anything like it.... and it kinda sounded like I was comparing the two. AGH!!!! not what I meant!! Also we were getting on and having such a laugh that the subject somehow got changed again so quickly after he’d said that, that we were just laughing again within minutes and he was specifically taken away and asked to talk about his mum as the subject hadn’t naturally come up in the first place.

I am now working with a charity called ‘Action for M.E.’ and hope to do lots with them including raise money for them at my next gig :) (https://www.actionforme.org.uk/ )

Also keep an eye out on July 10th as I will be going on the TV Channel ‘London Live’ (available on Sky and Freeview) at 6.15pm to speak about M.E. etc :)

Live tv…. That’s gonna be interesting!! This whole thing was bad enough hahahah

Soooooo… keep in touch peoples :) I am going to go and cook myself a nice gluten free spag Bol now, and then have a few more days of resting planned but am praying that I don’t have to cancel the rest of my week! We shall see!!

Huuuuge thank you again to everyone who has been in touch, it means so so much to me and every message gives me such a lift :) We can do this! :) xxx love and strength to anyone suffering, well, anything really! :) xx mwah

P.s. here’s the link to the pre order for my new single ’24 Obsession’ just incase you are interested ;) …. can’t blame me can ya? ;) http://ambiel.uk/24ObsPreOrder

[aliceellablog]

In. The. Bin.

Ok... so I messed up big time and I’ve been paying such a heavy price…..

It was Sunday night (a bank holiday weekend) and the gals and I had our yearly house party planned - we had been round to our moody as hell neighbours to warn them as nicely as possible that we were going to have people round… please note… ONCE A YEAR!! -  but we may as well have told them we were going to burn down their house and shit on their dog.

We took them a box of chocolates which they then THREW back over into our front garden!!! WHATT?!?!?! Oh well at least that meant we got to eat them!! Ant to be honest…well.. that just made us wanna make even more noise!! MWA HA HA ;)

So for once I was actually feeling quite up for it! I didn’t feel great but I didn’t feel terrible, so I got meself all glammed up and ready for #clubtropicana. This was the theme pf the party although to be honest I think I definitely took it the most literally and may have over dressed ;) (classic)- and even did me nails with lil’ flamingoes on them :) :) oh and we forgot to actually play ‘club tropicana’ that night which we all found hilarious the next day!!

I had decided I was gonna have one, maybe two small drinks and aim to go to bed at around 12/1am - I’m never asleep by then anyway! But one drink lead to another….and then I couldn’t have cared less! I was having a bloody great time! It was so good to see some old friends and sing Destiny’s Child at the top of my lungs! And it was so so nice to actually be up and about and ‘happy’ with my housemates....

Before consuming any Vodka...

Aaaaaand after....

I know I keep referring to them as that, but they are actually my bestest friends and I freakin’ love them so much!!! I am SO lucky to live with them and they make everyday that bit more doable… so massive shout out to Nicki, Grace, Katie, Tilly and Bahvika :) -Sorry just had a #totesemosh moment there!!

Anyway after all my planning I still didn’t get to bed until 4am and don’t know quite how that happened!!

The next day….was…hell. I was not a well bunny :( I know it was self inflicted but my god I felt so sorry for myself!! I spent the entire day in bed unable to hardly move (other than a very random hour where I felt great in the evening…none of us understood that one!)

I ate Chinese in bed and was fully in the bin. This is what my house mates (mainly Tilly) call being hung over! Or if someones being an utter knob it’s always ‘get in the bin’! - As you can imagine, this emoji gets a lot of useage in our group whatsapp chat!!

The next day came and went, as did the next…and the next...ahhhh..what had I done?? It took me a full week of resting with only a few little outings to the local shop to get food to recover. It’s been two weeks now and I would say that I am now finally over it. Two god damn weeks.

So the question is… was it worth it?? And what do I do next time there’s a party or event?

Well I actually did go to something this Saturday eve. I didn’t drink anything and left early…. But it did feel really rubbish doing that. And omg the amount of people who asked ‘why aren’t you drinking’ and basically mock you for it. MEH. Trust me I want to!! And then when you leave early and it’s all like ‘why are you leaving so soon? Don’t go!’ Like they think you’re the most boring human on the planet.

People will judge me wether I like it or not. Everyone judges everyone. I judge people. It’s life. No-one is truly going to understand my daily struggles but me.

I have to accept the fact that I look healthy, and learn to live with the look that people give me on the tube when I (very politely) ask if they need the seating for people less able to stand. I always feel so embarrassed and only ask when I really do need a seat but I’ve never had anyone just get up and say ’sure!’

And I guess it’s even really hard for people reading this blog to understand - like, I partied, got tipsy and was up till late….but the week before I was ill A LOT and I had to spend pretty much two weeks resting after- like on a day to day basis I know I can’t manage that level of activity at all- ugh- it’s SO hard to explain- A new friend of mine asked me just yesterday ‘So what is M.E?’ and I found it so hard to explain- I just told him it’s a real struggle with fatigue, and doing little things feels like doing really big things and how I was in a wheelchair for years and had a stairlift put in my house and couldn’t walk, talk, or even watch tele for years….. but then it’s like ‘oh so you’re better now then?’ And it’s like…. Yea I am SO much better than I was…. But man how I feel day to day is naaaat ok!!

But having said that, I think that what I have to do is to somehow learn to be happy with a day to day life at home, just pottering around the house. A day to day life of just making lunches and dinners for myself and watching tele series' and then somehow being able to think of anything else that I can do on top of that as a bonus.

I also somehow have to accept that I can't do what all of my other friends can?? How do I not get down depressed and so sad about that?? Oh jealousy… what a horrible thing you are!!!

I’m sure I will figure it out- I am very lucky I have so much amazing support from my close friends and family and even you guys on this old inter web thing :)

Other than the house party and resting there’s not been much to tell over the past two weeks - The last few days have been much better though and I’ve managed two songwriting sessions so at least that’s something :) And they were good ones too! Wooop :)

Especially when one of the studios has a doggy!!!! yaaaaassss!! :) :) :)

Other than that... oh we did call the police on a man who was masturbating outside our house on the street and trying to look into peoples windows…. That was an amusing evening!!!

So on that very strange note… I’ll be back in two weeks :) Please do get in touch :) :)mwah xx

[aliceellablog]

Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :( 

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;)  So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD. 

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up….  I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you. 

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig. 

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!!  Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx

[aliceellablog]

Utter Rantage

It’s Friday night… It’s Top of the Pops… It’s not…I’m not sure why that came into my head… I’ll start again.

It’s Friday night… and I am sat on the sofa alone eating a stupidly large Toblerone on the verge of tears.

I’ve been crying on and off all day and not really managed to shake it. Balls.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why I feel like this and why Brian acts the way he does (for new readers, Brian is what I call my brain…yep…)

Why do I have days when I feel like I could conquer the world- or rather, make it as a singer, and then days where I question the whole thing and think I should just accept that I am unwell and live my life watching Jeremy Kyle, This Morning, and Catfish, living on microwave meals and Haribo.

I suppose I should start with the fact that I haven’t been sleeping, which has been a problem on and off since I got ill at 14. I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and when I get into bed I am EXHAUSTED. I feel like I am going to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. But instead Brian likes to go through every little thing that I have done, or not done, that day. He then likes to plan a minute by minute account of what I am going to do the next day and play out every possible scenario and outcome. Then he usually spends a bit of time obsessing over the fact that I am SO tired yet I haven’t fallen asleep yet. We then go over the fact that I have or haven’t taken a sleeping pill and when it might kick in.

We try slow breathing, thinking of ‘nothing’, sleep apps that play the sound of a rainforest (it also plays the sound of a hoover and a little ‘medieval’ tune with like a flute or something…. Oh and frogs… who wants to fall asleep to that?!) and we also try counting sheep. I have on numerous occasions closed my eyes, and genuinely pictured a field full of sheep and counted as each little fluffy bastard jumps over some random little fence. IT HAS NOT WORKED.

I’ve tried routine, having a bath before bed, no looking at my phone for an hour before bed… ok…. I struggled with that one… but Brian just doesn’t like to be left alone. Go away Brian!! Let me sleep!!

So yea… that probably isn’t helping with how I feel, but the weird thing is that I have been doing a lot better recently in general. I’ve been managing to do the odd song writing session and studio work- even though some have been a right old struggle to get through. I have also been really on top of all the admin and email / promotion side of things for the first time in forever.

I do actually feel like I have a sort of ‘plan’ and it’s slowly coming together with regards to meetings I’ve got coming up, the new single (24 Obsession) I am releasing and even planning the next release after that… the thing is… I can then go in to panic mode. Ah!

Like… I book all these great things, but then, what if I can’t make it?? Shall I just cancel them? Or cancel some of them so I have more rest time in-between? I already try to plan SO carefully and don’t book more than one thing on one day- how frustrating is that!!!! But I’m kinda used to that and if I can do one thing on a day that’s still one thing more then nothing eh!! (OMG I just said something positive! Yay me!!) But then I tend to have one good day and over book myself and get in a right old pickle!!

It really does get me down the amount of time it takes me to do things compared to a ‘healthy’ person. I know I should be grateful if I can do anything at all, and I am, but life isn’t like that and everything is relative. I kind of see it that a ‘normal’ person could do what I do in a week in two days. For example in 7 days if I was having a really good week, I reckon I could do a writing session, recording sesh, and maybe a meeting?? Thats like 2 days worth of stuff right? Sorry I really am just feeling sorry for myself now, but then take into account the fact that I’ve just had pretty much 2 years out, and keep having to have weeks / months off at a time and you might get the idea. Well.. I mean 14 years really... I just mean 2 years recently ya know....

Then I see people having social lives. People going to work and then going out after for ‘drinks’ or whatever. I know I’ve said it in another blog before but I am desperate to be able to go out with friends and have a drink and a dance. It kills me that I can’t. And pretty much every weekend I have to either watch as my (gorgeous amazing best friends) housemates do their thang and go out and have fun, (Luckily they also enjoy staying in with me and watching tele sometimes ;) but if it’s not them going out then its the whole of bloody Facebook and Instagram with their ‘one bottle or seven’ memes. Yes you are having a great time, but I am not, so go away.

Bitter?? Me?? Never ;) ;)

This then begs the question - should I quit social media?? We all have this problem- everyone’s lives looks better than your own- I mean to be honest if I were to scroll through my Instagram feed I think it looks like I am a healthy girl, having fun, following my music career dreams without a care in the world- but then of course we only really put pictures up of the good bits, and if we decide to share the bad times they are usually few and far between and there’s always that risk that it can come across as a cry for attention. I hate attention I do… HAHAHA oh I make myself laugh- is this me trying to get attention though? Nah… what with my like… 6 Tumblr followers I definitely see this as more like therapy. And I do it in the hope other people will read this, relate to it, and then not feel quite so alone. Anyway, god I am on a right rantage now aren’t I!?!?!

Where was I… Ok so I could leave social media and get rid of all the jealousy I feel when I see people who appear to have perfect lives, or at least seem to live a life that I want. But…. #FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) What if I miss an important post? (I have actually got a lot of music related jobs etc through Facebook and it is one of the key self promotion tools when it comes to releasing your own music!) How will I know what my friends and people I know are up to… OK that one felt weird to type- I heard it- if they are your real friends then message them or talk on the phone!! But realistically there are tons of things I know my friends, family and acquaintances have done or are doing purely because of Facebook and the like.

I don’t know. But I know I look through it all way too often.

So I usually do a bit of a recap of the last two weeks in these blogs… as I have the worst memory of anyone I think I’ve ever met (can’t remember) I shall get the diary out…

Ok so I’ll start with the fact that I had my old band round for dinner which was LOVELY!! I was having a bit of a bad day and didn’t think I would be up to it but once they got here and Chinese food had been ordered I was a much happier bunny :) The last gig I did with them was around two years ago for the launch of my first single ‘Summer Sun’ - at one point in the evening we were reminiscing about it all and I broke down into tears infront of them all - a bunch of lads- which was highly embarrassing but maybe that just showed them how much I care, and how much I miss it. Anyway we had a lovely catch up and fingers toes and flaps crossed we will be gigging together in the not tooooo distant future!! :)

I spent the next five days at home going between resting and working on a new youTube video- It’s a cover of ‘Stay’ by Zedd ft. Alessia Cara and it is my entry for this month’s MTV Cover of the Month Competition- here’s the link to the comp if you fancy voting for me - you can ‘clap’ as many times as you like ;) ;) THANK YOU!!!!!!

http://www.mtvcoverofthemonth.com/v/253144

And here’s the link to the video on the YouTubes, I really hope you enjoy watching it :) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpVtfAuZ97s

On the Sunday we filmed that video at an amazing studio just down the road from where I live (massive yay!) and it was so great to work with Matt Allen :) He’s an amazing videographer and editor and was super fun and easy to work with.

On the day I actually felt quite up for it, but about an hour into the three hour shoot and I was having major internal panic about how tired and basically awful I felt. Anyway, got through it and got it done YAAAAASSS :D

A few days after that and I was back down to Biggin Hill (the other end of the Earth) to record some vocals with Warren. We were recording the final vocals for the next single release (after 24 Obsession) and I am honestly SO freaking happy that we managed to finish them!! Next will be some production changes and then getting the remixes done and the video etc etc etc, but the reason why I am already working on the next single is so that once I release this one there won’t be another long ass wait until the next one :)  Although to be fair to myself the main reason for this two year gap has been the elf!

Oh and I also beat Warren 19-4 when we were watching catchphrase!! LOOOOL!! - I am so obsessed with this gameshow- I even applied to be on it and got to the auditions stages- then I was told that I had made it to being a reserve for the show….so close!!! I will definitely be applying again next series though!! It is my calling!!

Then it was back home for a bit more resting and coco-pop action :) This felt ok though as I had done the video and the studio sesh, it actually felt like it was deserved rest.

The next eve I went to see one of my favourite people play his own sell out gig in Camden- Okiem- check him aaaaat!! He is a pianist who has played for all kinds of acts including Tinie Tempah, Delilah, Duke Dumont etc etc and is now writing and performing his own classical / cinematic music which I can assure you is bloody beautiful!!!

I went with one of my bestests who I live with - Grace- who is genuinely one of the funniest girls I think I have ever met! Oh the stories I could tell you about her :) But not only is she hilarious she is also caring, kind, and she gives a shit- to be fair she’d had a few drinks, but during the concert she turned round to me and just said how if I ever wanted to talk to her or have a rant about anything she is always there and wants to listen and be there for me. I think she knows that I try not to talk about my health stuff too much as I feel like it must get so boring and ‘woe is me’ for all my housemates, but I could tell that she was being genuine and I almost burst into tears there and then… I just about managed not to….. but it meant so much.

The gig was amazing and I was SO proud of Oak!! He is one of the cowriters and producers of that next single that I was recording the vocals to you see! Ah I am a lucky gal!

The next day I travelled down to Sussex to be with Mumma bear :) She has just had a little operation so I wanted to come and spend some time with her and look after her. MY goodness… she is the most inspiring person I have ever met… I mean after all.. she did have me ;) ;) no but seriously, I think she’s had like twenty something operations in her life. I won’t list them but they include tumours of the spine and all sorts. She has had a constant battle with her health throughout her whole life too so I think that’s probably why we understand each other so much.

So having said that I really wanted to come home and look after her, but while I was there I had a really bad few days and spent most of the time on the sofa with Ollie (my cat). Rubbish. But we did have some good quality time together and I managed to cook her a few meals at least :)

I felt like I had been doing really well up until that point and can’t really see a ‘reason’ why I felt so bad.

That’s the thing, I am always searching for reasons, like having over done it, or that I ate the wrong things or didn’t do this or that, but sometimes there just is no reason that I can see, and that pisses me right off. Like what am I supposed to do?? Push through it even if I feel like I am going to collapse? Rest even though then my stamina levels will go back down and everything will be that much harder the next day and days after that? Ugh.

I have been talking lots about the LP (Lightning Process) in my last few blogs as it is something I am really trying to do….. I truly believe that it has been really helpful but then I just sometimes get days like this when it’s like nothing can shake how shit I feel.

I’ve been so tearful too and just feel like giving up- which is the exact time that I should be doing the LP!! It is so confusing and hard to do!! You basically have to do it all the time especially when you are at your worst….which is by far when it is the hardest. I have been doing it the last few days but I know I haven’t been doing it enough. But why? Is it my brain? Surely I am in control of it? I don’t know. Maybe Brian is back in control. 

Anyway I have been typing for a long time now and I’m gonna get into bed... well... some sofa cushions on the floor - (staying at any brothers place tonight, which has been lovely as him and his gf Holly just got engaged!!!! How exciting!!!!) and try and sleep it off and wake up tomorrow with a fresh head.

I HAVE to work out a way to control Brian. Why does he want me to fail to bad? I can’t let him win. I won’t let him win. Silly Brian. ;) x 

[aliceellablog]

I’M BACK BITCHEZZZZ!!!

Hello you lot!!!

So as I’m sure you noticed, (NAAAAT!!!) I didn’t manage to do my blog last week- usually this would have been because I wasn’t feeling up to it… but you’ll never guess what!? It was actually because I was too damn busy working and having a good time!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!

Ok… so my last two weeks has been bladdy brilliant compared to where I’ve been at recently!!!

Not gonna lie, I’m still so so far away from where I want to be and being able to do what I want to be able to do… but I really can honestly say that I feel like I am getting there.

So I started the week with a couple of days of studio sessions with Warren and Scott (who are amazing by the way!) We are working on some J-pop tracks and if they get cut (if the people we are writing them for actually want them) then it’s like the biggest deal ever!!!! My fingers toes and flaps are tightly crossed!! We wrote probably one of the best pop song I’ve ever written and I haven’t stopped singing it all day every day… around the house… and on the bus… and down the street…LOVE IT!!

So J-pop is like the poppiest pop ever, on acid! The melodies have to keep changing, hook after hook after hook!! It’s such a challenge because I keep wanting to make it ‘cooler’ but this ain’t about being cool that’s for sure!!

So we got that song written and recorded and now it’s time for the waiting game!

Wednesday was something I’d been looking forward to for ages!! BRUNO MARS AT THE O2 ARENA! Swooooooon!!

I’d really worried a few times that I wouldn’t be able to go, and had a lil crying sesh that mid afternoon as I didn’t feel up to it, but pulled it together and managed to go.

I got a cab there to cut down on how much walking there was to do and I met one of my best friends Danielle there. We went for dinner first- there was a huge queue and the manager said it would be a good 45 min wait in that queue- I told her that I had ME and couldn’t stand up for that long and couldn’t believe what happened… she believed me!! Without hesitation!!

One of the hardest things is how 'well’ I look when I can be feeling so ill and weak inside. So we were allowed straight in meaning I could sit down before the show which made a huge difference :)

I think my legs aching is probably (other than the general lack of energy) the worst symptom I have. I usually find I have been standing up only a few minutes before they start aching and burning and so I’m constantly looking for places to sit and ways to avoid these situations. Man I hope that changes soon!!!!

Danielle and I had a lovely catch up and talked about EVERYTHING… and no I’m not gonna tell ya what ;) ;) but maybe one day I’ll be writing all my secrets in this thing! Who knows!!

Then we went into the gig and ofcourse we were so high up we thought we were going to fall to our deaths, and Bruno was the size of and ant… and looked even shorter than usual ;)

It’s quite funny, Danni had just had an operation and obviously I’m not great on me feet for long so we were both sat there looking like the most boring bitches you’ve ever seen!! We did manage a little step dig now and again though and Bruno was truly amazing. So inspirational. Whenever I’m in that place I always have a moment when my mind wanders and I imagine what it would be like to stand on that stage and perform in front of so many people. It makes me feel so strong and for some reason I really do believe it’s going to happen. I have to believe that. Dream big right??

Anyway gig done and I went to get my pre booked cab… note the tone… oh shit, there is no tone… well it’s a real bad tone ok!

Was the cab in the designated cab area? No… I called him and he said he was at the bus station, so in the freezing cold I walked 10 mins to go and find him there.

Was he there? Nah…

Then he said he’d driven to the original taxi place- he hadn’t…

Long cold boring emotional story short he was no where to be seen and by this time I was crying down the phone to him and trying to explain where I was- why does the O2 arena have to be so damn massive?!

Eventually an hour later after sobbing down the phone to my friends and having a panic attack I decided to book another cab….it was then that I just happened to stumble across the right cab and so I got in. LONG!

Fuck I was moody. I mean… I was crying and he tried to laugh it off. Not funny you wanker!!!

I explained that the whole reason I pre booked a cab was because I have a disability and knew I’d be knackered after the gig and couldn’t do the trains home… he SO didn’t get it.

I’ve complained and asked for my money back but not heard anything yet. Thanks Carlton Cars.

So after that night of crying, panic attacks, being bloody freezing and walking around for an hour I was a mess the next day.

I spent most of it in bed but managed to go out for some food in the eve with one of my bestests :)

To be honest usually after what had happened I’d be stuck in bed / at home for a week- so this was actually a good result!!

(I had a pork belly roast and my oh my that pig was good!! - sorry vegetarians!!!)

The next couple of days I was back to the studio to record the lead vocals for my next next single!!! EEEEEEK!!!! My god this means the absolute world to me!!!

So I released my first single 'Summer Sun’ around two years ago now-

Somehow I ended up releasing a kind of soul ballad, which isn’t really my ‘sound’ at all… but I love the song and it just kinda happened and snowballed! But at the time my plan was to follow that straight up with the next single-  and another, and another etc etc but that’s when I had the ME relapse of all relapses… yeeeeeaaaaa… 'Summer Sun’ was really just to put the feelers out and was a learning process I guess, but now two years later I actually feel (almost) ready to release the next one!

It’s called ‘24 Obsession’ and I wrote it when I first met my now ex boyfriend who I was with for 2 and a half years. It’s kinda funny how these things happen as now that I’m in the promo stages of the song, I kinda can’t stop thinking about him all over again… it’s a looong story, and I don’t want this blog to be about my love life as to me that’s too personal… so that’s all you’re gonna get for now!! But I don’t know what I’m doing or what to do and love is tricky as… heart… head… what the fuck?!

ANYWAY!!! So '24 Obsession’ is all wrapped up, the video has been filmed and edited, remixes done and artwork done!! YAAAASSSS!! So while the label promote the remixes I’m working on the next single that’s going to follow that one!!!

I’m trying so hard for what happened last time not to happen again! I want to try and get a bit of momentum going and release some of the songs I’ve been working on for years as soon as I can!

So I got the lead vocals recorded and am finishing off the backing vocals etc next week!! EXCITING!!! It’s sounding so good and I just can’t wait to get it aaaaaat!! :)

At the moment I’m realising that I CAN feel 'ok’ sometimes…I never feel 'good’ but I can live with that. If can just make this 'ok’ patch last, last longer than it’s ever lasted before (last forever please) that would be nice.

I think I’m just so used to feeling so rubbish all the time, when I actually don’t feel too bad it’s the best thing ever!

Having said that, I’m still pretty fragile in a lot of ways - just yesterday I was round someone’s house I hadn’t met before and we were going to go for a coffee (which I didn’t feel up for doing in the first place but because I was with other friends I felt like I kinda had to) It was a 10 minute walk to the cafe and of course for her it wasn’t a big deal at all… I had already traveled for two hours that day which involved walking around the train stations etc and my legs were shot. I said that I would just get a cab and that I’d pay for it and tried to make it sound casual but she was all like 'hahaha oh my god you’re so lazy it’s like just up the road!’ hahaha… yea… not funny… I then had to say that I had health issues (even though I’m writing this on here for the world to see, in real life I don’t bring it up or like to go into it unless I have to, or someone asks me) anyway she still didn’t really get it and they were just like 'come on let’s all just walk’… so again I started getting panicky and crying and it was all pretty awkward. We ended up getting a cab but I was so embarrassed by the whole thing. Meh.

I still have to put my health first and am learning how difficult that is when you’re around other people a lot- I’ve spent so much time recently at home or by myself where I can rest when I need to and do everything in my own little routine, but that’s so hard when you’re staying with people. The particular studio I work at the most is a two hour journey so I have to stay over the night before and then the night after the session too to split up the traveling and the work. So it’s like three days to do one days work. Ah well!

Last night because I was at staying at the studio again, long story short it meant I didn’t get to eat any dinner until 11pm…. things like that just don’t work for me but I wasn’t able to go home or even go to the shops as this place is in the middle of nowhere. Oh and I didn’t sleep AT ALL the night before - I struggle with insomnia a lot- so was already in a bit of a state and had worked in the studio all that day! EEEK! I think people just don’t quite understand how important things like that are. I do try and explain but they just think I’m being demanding or over dramatic, but food is energy and if I’m not getting that I’m so much worse! And with my Crohn’s disease (oh yea I have that too…) what I eat and when makes a huge difference. 

Maybe I’m not quite ready to be doing as much as I am but I’m so god damn desperate to live my life!!! I just want to make music, sing, and of course be happy!!! Maybe that’s a little while longer off… but I still do feel like I’m making good progress. I just HATE how careful I have to be- why is it that I have an illness where the more determined you are, therefore the more you push yourself and the more you do the worse you get? Typical!

Anyway… I’m sure I’ll figure it out! Maybe by my next blog… AS IF!! ;)

Corrr, that was a long one (that’s what she said) but if you did actually read that and wanna get in touch PLEASE DO :)

Huge love and hugs to anyone out there who’s suffering. Life is so hard and everyone is struggling with something. Be open about it and you never know just who else is fighting a similar battle :) Let’s all be there for each other and make life that bit more bearable eh! Xx

[aliceellablog]

Come on Brian!!! You can do it!!!

Hellooooooo :) OMG…. I’m in an actual good mood!! Lucky for you guys this might just be my most positive blog post yet! But let’s not get carried away, I mean, I’ll always find something to complain about eh ;)

So this week I’ve been more up and down than a bride’s nightie. I went from feeling strangely high up to so far down I never thought I’d reach the surface again.

When I last posted I was feeling so god damn positive. Like I could conquer the world - I felt like even though I still had that fluey thing I couldn’t wait to get better and kick my M.E. in the balls….. instead… my M.E. hit me right in the vag. (Don’t worry… my vag is fine…. #TMI)

Monday was nice. It was sunny (Love me some vitamin D) and I traveled down to saaaaaaf east Landan to see one of my best friends. We ate masses of Chinese takeaway and watched shit tele- in other words, best evening ever!! I was in a really good mood and felt emotionally strong. Gwarn gal.

Then on Tuesday I woke up and felt like someone had not only taken out my batteries and buried them in a land far far away  but they had also run me over with their bloody massive heavy bus and then… I don’t even know…. done something to make me cry. A lot.

What a bastard.

No matter what I did I just couldn’t shake it. I managed to keep it together (kind of) most of the morning and was doing the Lightning Process as often as I could (See my other blogs if you would like to know more about what that is- but basically it’s a Neuro Linguistic Programming/ brain training thang I’m trying ATM for my M.E.) and then by the afternoon came I completely broke down.

I couldn’t stop crying and could hardly breathe. I was having panic attacks and it yet again felt like my world has collapsed and I didn’t want to live in it.

The process is a lot about making changes and life choices and sticking to them- it’s really hard because by ‘allowing myself’ to have this break down, that then meant that I had failed in doing the LP. That thought was then just adding fuel to the fire and making me even more upset.

I knew that the LP had been really helping me the last few days, especially considering that I’d had this fluey thing yet I was still able to feel positive (trust me that’s a bloody miracle) so I hadn’t lost all my faith. I just had to find a way to pull it together and power through.

Allow me to please introduce you to Brian. He’s a funny one is Brian… he controls my whole body and everything in it - or does he??? That’s what I am trying to figure out. I THINK I can take control of him and stop his silly thoughts, or at least I hope I can, but does Brian control my thoughts or do I? - Yes Brian is my brain, and it makes me laugh… Every time I am struggling to do the LP and I get a bit annoyed with myself, I start saying in my head ‘Come on Brian!!’ ‘You can do this!!’  …. ‘silly silly Brian’ ahhh… it’s making me laugh now as I type that… god I am a weirdo….

So after a day of sobbing and feeling broken hearted that I was feeling so much worse I went to bed and cried myself to sleep,  but I knew that tomorrow was a new day and a new chance to start over again… AGAIN.

I woke up on Wednesday feeling determined as ever. I was meant to have a writing session that day but it got cancelled so I had a little think to myself….. What could I do today that would challenge my body and mind and make me feel like I had achieved something if I managed to do it?? PRIMARK that’s what!! lols…. even though it is like hell on earth I do love a good rummage!! Throughout the morning I kept getting waves of feeling too ill and ‘Brian’ was there saying ‘you’re not well enough to go’ ‘just stay home and rest’ but I ignored him and went for it! I am lucky enough to be able to pretty much just get one bus there and back so at least I don’t have the tube struggles :)

So I went, I saw, I purchased :) AND I treated myself to my fav chicken wings on the way home!! I was knackered but in a good way- in a - I haven’t done much for a while so I probs should be knackered kinda way.

I rested that evening and then it was Thursday.

Thursday was also a good day!! I went and got ma hurrrrr did!!! YASSSSS QUEEEN!! My hair dresser Kris is amazing! I’ve finally found someone who can get my hair white blonde in one visit!! - trust me, my natural hair colour is really dark brown and I used too have to go like three times for them to get it the right colour!! This time though we decided to go pink :) :)

It’s always lovely seeing Kris, he’s not only gorgeous (unfortunately he bats for the other team) but he’s hilarious too and we always have a proper giggle! Although if you’re reading this Kris, one day I WILL turn you!! HAHAHAH

I did the LP all day and then managed to do my nails when I got home :) How cute are my little bunnies and chicks though right?? 

By the way - I do just feel the need to say that I can not wait to get back to work!! This must seem like I am now just spending my days spoiling myself!… shopping, hair, nails….well….. lol… but seriously, I am spending these days trying to build up my strength and my stamina so that I can book in sessions and gigs and then stick to them. Also I’ve had so much time recently where I wouldn’t have actually been able to go and get my hair done, so to me it’s an achievement. - I have already started booking some writing sessions in for late next week! Wish me luck!! But I feel like if I can stay on the right track I will be able to do them! Yay!

Friyay had been booked in for a while, and for weeks I thought that I wouldn’t be able to go and that I would have to cancel on my friends yet again… but…. she made it!!! We went to a lovely little pub in Hampstead for lunch and it was so nice to spend some quality time together…By quality time I mean that basically we spend ALL of our spare time together as it is, but we are usually just talking bollocks, laying on the sofas with Catfish on the tele - not that I am complaining ;) But this was a little more ‘civilised’ and I felt like a grown up ;)

The food wasn’t that great not gonna lie, but that was more because they didn’t have many gluten free options…so I ended up ordering scallops and bread #random. I’ve never tried scallops before and I wasn’t a massive fan. Chewy bland weirdness in my mouth. Get out please. The bread (sourdough) was ok…. but not really worth £13…I’ll get over that though… or will I?! lol

The company however was GREAT- all of the gals got pretty drunk and I was the sober observer as per usual. I hate that, but am kinda used to it. Maybe I will be well enough to drink again some time soon….although I do have way more important priorities I know, so don’t worry!! I do have problems with self control though and am a bit of the ‘all or nothing’ type, so if I say I am going to have just the one drink, it ends up being a countless amount and then I die for a very long time afterwards- I’m talking weeks! - The last time I drank was New Years Eve - I had just had a really good patch through most of December and was so massively on track! I was working, socialising, still not to the extent I want to be, but I was able to do an OK amount which was AMAZING.

Then NYE hit. ouchhhhhh…whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!? why did I do it? Actually I know why. Because I wanted to be normal that’s why.

We went to a house party where I drank quite a bit of vod (maybe 4 or 5??) which is enough to finish me right off, but had a bloody fantastic night! We were all dressed up as Snapchat filters (obvs) and I actually felt like partying! For the first time in forever I did a little bit of dancing (shocked cat emoji) and wasn’t sat down on the sofa at the side the whole time as expected!! I still left early and slept in the cab home but I was so bloomin’ happy.

Then I was not so happy…. this is my most recent kind of relapse within the big relapse if that makes any sense. I think I’ve been pretty unwell and at home most of the time since New Years with the odd few days of being much better and then straight back down again- They call it ‘boom and bust’ in the M.E. world, where you basically feel a little bit better so you do a bit more because you are desperate to and then it’s too much so you’re worse than when you started. Good times.

So yea, since then I haven’t had any alcohol…ok that’s a lie… I went on a date (shocked cat emoji again please) and really felt like I had to have one drink, but that was a whole other story that when the time comes deserves its own blog!! (just you wait) - and yes I got really unwell after I drank so never again. It’s been about 3 months sober now (LOL I don’t actually have a drinking problem at all) but we have a house party in about a months time…. uh ohhhh I know it’s so easy to say that ‘your health is so much more important’ and not to drink, but there’s a fat alcoholic stuck inside of me trying to get out and she just wants to party and eat LOL.

So now I am on the train down to Sussex now to see my family for the Easter weekend :) I usually end up breaking down to my Mum and spending a majority of the time resting, but I am feeling confident that I can ‘Process’ throughout my time there and really enjoy being home……. AND SEEING MY CAT!!!!!

So I packed my laptop away and got off the train and am now avec la fam :)

Happy Easter you lovely lot!!! I hope that you all eat as many easter eggs as physically possible and that you are able to spend a bit of time with ya loved ones! 

Every day, and week, is so up and down but we’ve just got to keep the faith. Most of the things I did this week I genuinely didn’t think I would be able to do, and couldn’t have done the week before. The darkest roads lead to the most beautiful destinations, we’ve just gotta somehow travel down them without giving into them. Oh, and we’ve GOT to learn to control our Brian's, I really believe that. Let’s see what happens…. ;) xx 

[aliceellablog]

Sick and Tired - (includes my M.E. story part 1)

It kinda seems like it's just one thing after another to be honest. So I woke up on Monday fully colded :( scrap that... I had the FLU!!!!!

Tissues stuffed up each nostril, Sudafed, Lemsips, Vix vapour rub in all the right places... (not there...ouch) and I could hardly get out of bed ... good times!!!

So I basically slept all of Monday and Tuesday... oh and I looked oh so god damn attractive while doing so...

Wednesday I could at least make it to the sofa to watch endless episodes of ‘Catfish’ with my housemates. I think we must have watched them all now- which is an impressive amount of catfishing agwarning!

The next few days consisted of mainly sneezing, coughing, a lot of snot, (how does one nose create SO MUCH?!?!?) eating cream eggs in the bath and watching so much ‘Line of Duty’ that I was pretty convinced I worked for AC-12.

It’s now Sunday and at least the sun is shining and its bladdy beautiful outside - apart from the wafts of blocked drains that keep finding their way up my luckily blocked nose. Rank.

Not much else has happened this week to be honest. I got chatted up by the local weirdo in our corner shop when I was wearing a ‘my little pony’ tracksuit, had no makeup on and looked like I was straight out of the walking dead. He kept asking my name and I replied that I’m not into talking to strangers and could he please leave me alone. His response was that all relationships start with strangers talking....eugh.... he was creepy AF. Then on the way home from said shop three drunk men tried to hug me. GO AWAY. I feel like I was giving out some sort of pheromones that day. Oh and when I ordered my fav Turkish takeaway I asked for ‘fries’ and they thought I said ‘rice’... when I got home I wanted rice.... and there it was! Oh god! what a FASCINATING week!!!!! COOL STORY BRO!!!

Flu will be flu, but I have to say that I am feeling stupidly positive today! And yesterday too actually! Normally when I get a cold or flu or whatever I turn into the biggest pile of woe is me you have ever seen and feel like the world has ended.... Instead... this time I feel like I can’t wait to be better from this and to then continue getting better from the M.E.

In fact. I’m gonna kick it in the balls. hard. 

Seeing as my week has been so interesting and totally worth the read... lols... I figure maybe it’s time for PART 1 of my M.E. story. Lord only knows how many parts there are going to be and how this is gonna turn out, but over the next few weeks maybe the whole story will be here...

Ok... where to begin... no freakin’ idea...I guess I will just type...tap tap tap...

I had a pretty great childhood in general, and was a happy and healthy kid. I mean, obviously I can think of loads of messed up things that happened and could go in to a whole load of crap, but I’m gonna start this story when I was 14. 

Those 14 years can be rambled on about some other time :)

Long story short...lol lets see if I can actually keep this short... I was at an all girls school in West Sussex, and life was pretty good!

I was popular enough, school was fine- My friends and I would put on ‘The Ali V Show’ at lunchtimes where I would improvise songs about everyone - friends, teachers etc and prance around like I was on the stage of a West End musical. I went to dance classes after school and competed at weekends, and did gymnastics too! Yep... I would be jumping about in a leotard and loving it! Oh how things change! I was also in the choir at school and used to enter talent shows dancing to Liberty X with high kicks all over the place - I did all kinds of crap, and loved it all. 

I was at that age where me and all my mates would go out drinking in the local park every weekend- we’re talking the finest WKD Blue, Smirnoff Ice and the odd bottle of Lambrini if we were feeling fancy ;) 

These weekends were the best. They were what we lived for. Getting silly drunk, kissing boys, and getting chased down the park alley ways by police dogs. There were loads of us, all hanging around the skate park, and it was all innocent fun really.... other than the under age drinking, but who didn’t do that?

Then we upped our game and started going to these club nights for over 14′s in creepy Crawley. Classy. Man I used to LOVE it!! Walking through the doors and feeling the music hit you in the chest - now I’m always just complaining that it’s too damn loud. Such a grandma.

So I THINK it was on one of these nights that I may have unknowingly slipped my poor little tongue into a horrible diseased mouth LOL and gone and got myself the Glandular Fever that has ruined my life. Great.

We used to play ‘the game’ where you’d have to kiss as many boys as you could and then when you’d get back to your mates house you’d be up all night telling each other all the details, whilst eating enough sweets to ensure you didn’t fall asleep first - cos that made you like super ‘uncool’.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I caught it at one of those nights or not, but Glandular Fever is known as the ‘kissing disease’ so it kinda maybe makes sense.... oops.

So I got really sick. Like a really bad flu. I didn’t think anything of it until I just kept not getting better. All my flu symptoms eventually went - the fevers, the snot (nice), the coughing etc but I just wasn’t feeling better like you usually would. 

Weeks would go by and I just didn’t feel well enough to go back to school. I was getting so miserable, missing my friends etc so much that I kept trying to force myself to go. I’d manage go in for the odd day and end up being sent home a few hours later. I could hardly keep my eyes open. 

My Mum had obviously written to the teachers and explained the situation but most of them were bloody horrible. I remember once calling my mum in tears asking her to come and pick me up and one of my Science teachers saw me on the phone and started shouting at me and took my phone off me. I explained I was calling my Mum cos I felt so ill but he didn’t give a shit and made me go back to class.

I had letters excluding me from having to do P.E. saying how exhausted I was and could I please not be made to get changed into my P.E. kit (not sure why they always made you when you weren’t even doing it) but they still made me.

I was SO weak. every little thing was a struggle. I also remember when Hayley and Holly (no hard feelings now gals) had such a go at me in front of everyone at lunch. 14 year olds could be so bitchy. They were saying I was faking being ill and that I was so lucky not to ‘have’ to go to school every day. I was gutted. They were my best friends, they were supposed to understand. I broke down and told them to fuck off. They then told the teachers that I swore at them (they also did a lot of swearing at me first FYI) and I was the one who got into trouble for it. What they had said to me was a million times more painful than a simple ‘fuck off’ outburst. ugh. No one understood.

It’s hard to explain- I was feeling so so ill all the time but trying desperately to make it into school and pretend that I was OK. In the end I just couldn’t make it in anymore and I think the last time I went was early in year 10. 

I had school work sent home to me and I did what I could in bed when I had the energy but things just got worse and worse. It got to a point where I didn’t have the strength to leave the house, or my bedroom and had to have my food and drinks brought up to me in my bed. 

My school friends would visit most weeks but understandably this got less and less and I don’t think they ever quite understood what I was going through. When all I could do is lay in bed all day and then I’d get a text from my friend saying ‘sorry I can’t make it round today hun I’m seeing my boyfriend’ or ‘I’ve got too much homework to do’ - I get it, but it’s like that visit was lit the only thing keeping me going.

During all of this I’d had no diagnosis. All of my blood tests were ‘normal’ and no one knew what was wrong with me. I think that’s why so many people thought I was ‘faking’ or didn’t understand. I’m so lucky that I did have friends who visited as much as they could, but it must have been awkward for them too, I’m sure they didn’t know what to say or do most of the time. 

So basically, years went by and I got progressively worse and worse. I would keep trying to do little things - my Mum (who is just beyond incredible and who would look after me every day) would get me into the car sometimes and just drive me around for a bit so that I could see sunlight, fields, animals, civilisation lol. We would mainly go out at around 5pm when the rabbits would come out and see if we could spot any. Now you tell me, that’s a teenagers idea of a good time right? OH DEEEEEAR!!! (I did enjoy it though hehehe)

During all of this I was of course seeing doctor after doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me. I was seeing all kinds of specialists and no one had a clue. Then I went to some big London hospital and saw the fittest doctor ever! (every cloud) It was then that they found a positive result in my blood tests for Glandular Fever. The thing is though that this was years after I had caught it and I was now kind of ‘better’ from the actual Glandular Fever and was just left like this. By this stage I was in a wheelchair. I couldn’t walk more than a few paces and could hardly eat either. At least I lost a few pounds...well a few stone actually! #win 

I could hardly even talk and when I was at my worst I could’t tolerate light (so I had my black out blinds shut all day) or any noise- like even people talking was unbearable. I would lay in bed all day, sleeping on and off, and of course couldn’t sleep during the night. I was thoroughly depressed and had thoughts of wanting to just end it all. I could never have done that though because of my amazing mum and brother (totes my best friends) who would try and cheer me up every day. They would even put on little sketch shows for me at the end of my bed to just try and make me smile. I thank them from the bottom of my heart- them and all my other friends and family who were there for me when I really needed them #TotesEmosh 

One of the weird things is that my brother had been through all of this before himself. He was just getting better as I was getting ill. We are not sure if M.E. runs in the family or not but I’m gonna go with yes. This means that my poor mum had basically nursed him better for about 4 years (he’s totally better now! yay!) and then had me to deal with!! Ouch. His case was a little simpler though. They found he had Glandular Fever and diagnosed him pretty soon after with M.E. - He did very strict G.E.T. (graded exercise therapy) and found that it really worked for him- This is where you build up your level of activity VERY slowly- so literally one step at a time - (more about this in a bizzle) 

So it got to a point where I had a stair lift fitted in my house and couldn’t even watch tv or have a conversation with anyone.

I was fucked. 

All we now knew was that I had ‘at some point’ HAD Glandular Fever. No one knew what to do, we only knew about M.E. because my brother had had it and thought it could be a possibility. But I was firmly in denial. He had been so ill for years and years and I was NOT going to have the same thing as him. I was desperate for the doctors to find that I had some kind of easily curable illness. Then some of my blood tests started coming back as positive for other things that indicated Crohn’s Disease. I was in and out of hospital having every test you can think of. My temperature was raised most days and they made charts of this. Now the question was if I had Crohn’s, or M.E. or both!?

Right.... I reckon that’s enough for Part 1!

Let’s see what next week brings and what I will want to blog about at the time, but either way Part 2 is on its way!

Ooh and check out my new blog banner up the top of my blog page - That’s the other thing I’ve been working on this week :) - Shout out to the amazing Simon Ackerman for the photography!!

Huge thanks again if you have read this blog - I am finding that it gives me a sort of ‘purpose’ as stupid as that may sound. It gives me something to think about in the week and then when it’s Sunday I’m like, yay! Sunday blog day!.... is that depressing or what hahaha, but seriously, please get in touch if you want to, more than happy to chat :) And if anyone can *like, *share or *follow this post or my blog in general I appreciate it lots!!! 

[swoony-spoonie]

“Oh I wish I didn’t have to work, you’re so lucky”

[aliceellablog]

On point 😂🙈

[aliceellablog]

To bullshit...or not to bullshit...That is the question!

Hello lovely blog readers :) I reckon there’s at least 3 of you now...including me mam...and me ;)

So here I am again, a week later, god it feels like so much longer than a week, maybe time flies when you’re having a shit time too eh!

So I think I posted my last blog on the Monday, so I’ll start with Tuesday. 

Tuesday was shit. 

I cried on the bus, I cried on the tube, I cried down the phone to my mum...again... crying is meant to release bad toxins from your body though right?- look at me trying to be positive!?

I kept trying to do the Lightning Process (the NLP ‘treatment’ for the M.E.- see my previous blog for an explanation of that) but it just wasn’t happening. It says that it only works if you do it congruently - so with belief in what you are doing, and that you have to do it EVERY single time you feel any negative symptoms, emotions, thoughts, feelings etc....so then when you’re sat there crying your eyes out thinking that life is NAAAT ok, it’s obvious that you’re not doing the process are you? NO. FUCK.

It’s so hard. It’s like you’re trying to trick your body into being better, and I mean, if you are sat there feeling unwell with no strength or energy, it is very true that getting stressed and or upset about it is definitely only going to make you feel worse. So why can’t I just snap out of it? Be happy? Make myself happy? Do we do this to ourselves?? I mean I know for a fact obviously I am not making myself ill, fuck that, I know that I would do ANYTHING to get better and I could rant for hours about all the things I miss out on every day and how frustrated I am and how passionate I am about my career and my job and following my dream bla bla bla... so then if this Lightning Process works by you being able to control your brain, and control the wrong chemicals being released, then why can’t I just do it? 

Anyway, I got home from my embarrassing teary public transport ride and had a gluten free Dr Oetker pizza which is such a life saver!! THANK YOU DR OETKER!!! Whoever you are ( by far the best GF pizza I’ve tried- totally edible!!) This was followed by two cream eggs and a toffee crisp, yes I eat my feelings ( And I wonder why I’m not losing any weight?!) And then I decided to forget about Tuesday.... and to start again tomorrow eh!! 

Wednesday- 

Woke up feeling shit. 

Did the Lightning Process like a million times and listened to some of the Phil Parker (The man behind the LP) podcasts which I did find really helpful. I managed to do a bunch of admin and life sorting and then I tried THE BROWNIES. 

In our house we have something so magical. Something that I thought only existed in my wildest dreams.... Allow me to introduce you to...the.... ‘sharing table’

The sharing table is constantly piled high with snacks, usually sweets, cakes, biscuits, a sure fired way to diabetes for us all, but today there was a new snack. One I had not seen before....

One of the gals I live with is called Tilly. I like to call her Spilly.... she’s clumbsy as fuck and is bladdy hilarious and like all of the gals I live with, is one of me best friends :) Her mum is a chef (YAAASSSS) and she gave Tills a box of gluten and dairy free brownies for said table! I know this might make for a boring read but I’ve never had anything so moist in my mouth!! (LOL) And I genuinely felt a bit better after eating them! #win 

Then I managed to make it out for dinner with all of my housemates, which made me very happy and proud- I even WALKED to the tube station!! However, this was for a sad sad occasion!!! One of the gals was leaving us!! I know!! How dare she!! ;) But she’s off to live with her bf Chris who has all of our approval ;) 

I met Emily when I lived in the Warehouse in Tottenham (so many stories for another day!) and we really clicked. We lived there for a couple of years and then moved up to North West London together with 4 other gals. Since then our love of TERRIBLE tele (Dance Moms, 100% Hotter, Love Island etc) and for each other grew (awwwww) And now that she is moving on to live with a boy!!!OMG!!! I will miss her lots but I plan to pretty much go and live on her sofa bed ;)

We went for a Mexican meal, which I’m not gonna lie, was a bit of a disaster! The gluten free wraps were RANK and two of the gals’ mains were wrong, but it’s definitely all about the company :) And not about how bloated you are... yes I sat like this for the entire meal...

Then it was Thursday. I’d been really looking forward to today, but equally dreading it.

Every couple of months Notting Hill Music put on a networking event at Tile Yard Studios. It’s always a mega fun night where you catch up with a bunch of friends, people you’ve been working with and people you want to work with, and where you ‘network’, but it’s a very draining tiring evening, where you are on your feet the whole time and engaging with lots of people.

Now, I’m gonna go ahead and blow me own trumpet here (is it just me or does that sound sexual...anyway...) I am THE BEST networker :) I love meeting new people and I give out my business card to pretty much anyone and everyone I meet, wether they want it or not! Ok now I just sound annoying, but fuck it, you’ve gotta be persistent in this industry or you’ll get nowhere! So I really wanted to be able to go and see everyone and of course, give out my card to as many people as possible!!

So I rested for most of that day and just did admin work, and did the lightning process as much as I could to try and keep on the right track! Then I got myself an Uber there and felt pretty up for it :)

When you arrive there it’s like a sea of people, and it’s pretty intimidating! But soon as you walk around and start seeing all the people you know, it’s awesome. Like, mega awesome :)

I caught up with so many people that I haven’t seen in forever and actually this blog was quite a talking point! It was weirdddddd, so many people asking me how I was, if I was feeling ok, and saying that they had read my blog and had no idea before about my M.E...... It kinda felt like they had read my diary... but then I am basically posting all my personal thoughts online so I really can’t complain!! It just felt strange! But I had lots of lovely comments and I did actually feel a little more ‘understood’ which was nice!

Now... the question of all questions... especially when it comes to the music industry and where I am at with all things ‘life’ at the moment- To bullshit or not to bullshit!? That really IS the question.

So these networking events... its basically everyone going around saying how amazingly they are doing! Well good for you....(note the tone) And how great they are, bragging about that success they had 12 years ago that you’ve never heard of but it was a massive hit!! that kind of thing ;) 

People all desperately trying to sell themselves to each other, and I’m not saying I don’t do that either- I mean I still talk about the Emeli Sande thing, and that was in 2012! Lol... but I do wonder what it would be like if everyone was just honest! 

Don’t get me wrong though- I’ve met SO many great people at these things who I have worked with and there are so many amazing successful people there.... its just things like, this one guy who I know, who spoke AT me for about 20 mins about how great he’s doing and he didn’t once ask what I had been up to, how I was, or what I’d been working on...

So anyway, in these situations, which one should I go for??? I am genuinely asking for your opinions!!

OPTION A: BULLSHIT

**Producer/writer/person I wanna work with: ‘Nice to meet you chat chat chat, so how are you? What have you been up to??’

**Me: ‘I’m great thanks, been so busy lately, been doing a lot of writing and recording, I’ve got an album deal with a company doing songs for big movie trailers and thats going really well! Got my second single ‘24 Obsession’ coming out soon! Done the video and artwork and got all the remixes done! Can’t wait!! Doing lots of cowriting and am in the studio most days. What about you?’

OPTION B: TRUTH

**Producer/writer/person I wanna work with: ‘Nice to meet you chat chat chat, so how are you? What have you been up to??’

**Me: ‘I’m Ok, well, pretty shit actually. Not been doing too well lately, I have this chronic illness called M.E. and have had this like, 2 year relapse so spend most days stuck at home only making it to the occasional session, and when I do manage to do them I feel so bad after I have to rest for another few days. I have managed to do a bit of writing and recording though. I’ve got an album deal with a company doing songs for big movie trailers and thats going really well! I’ve been recording from home and sending my vocals to them so that’s worked out nicely. Got my second single ‘24 Obsession’ coming out soon! Done the video and artwork and got all the remixes done! Can’t wait!! Can’t believe it’s been nearly 2 years since my first single, all cos I haven’t been well enough to release the next one as I’d planned! Doing a little bit cowriting when I can, which is nowhere near as often as I would like it to be. What about you?’

Maybe there’s a mixture between the two, a happy medium, and I should choose who I give said answer to.... I’m not sure... but I’ve definitely found some kind of major acceptance recently - since this blog actually. It’s like MY NAME’S ALICE AND I HAVE M.E. - SUCK ON THAT. Like why should I have to hide it from people, or pretend not to have it? We shouldn’t be ashamed of things like this, especially when it’s not our fault. I didn’t ask to have this bladdy awful illness and I don’t want to have it. But I do, so I may as well make friends with it ;) 

Friyay... make that Frigoaway...sorry that didn’t even work did it?! Anyway, I was at the networking event on the thursday night for about an hour and a half until my legs felt like they were going to collapse and I got to that point where I seriously needed a toffee crisp and my bed.

I got an uber home as couldn’t have done the public transport, got home and went straight to bed. I was SO SHATTERED that I couldn’t take my makeup off or finish the toffee crisp I had started eating - that’s when you know!!! 

But that night I didn’t sleep at all. Like. AT. ALL. 

I have a lot of trouble sleeping which I know is common with M.E. but when I have nights like this, especially on the nights when I need to sleep more than ever, it drives me INSANE!!!! Ugh I hate it. I took three sleeping pills throughout the night in desperation but they did nout. shit.

So Friday was an in bed day. meh. 

I spent the day trying not to get too down about it and to try and focus on the fact that I managed to go to the event the night before, and that I did genuinely have a great time. 

Saturday was the same, I did bits and bobs around the house but felt like shite, processed loads and listened to more podcasts, which was definitely helpful, but I’m obviously going wrong somewhere. I don’t think I’m doing it enough, or with enough conviction. I have to do this.....right?

I do like Sundays though- I know its totes psychological, but I like Monday’s feeling like a new start! So guess what..... I’m starting again tomorrow!! Although I did wake up today with a sore throat and feeling a bit more ‘coldy’ than usual so will have to bare that in mind. 

I also love starting diets on a Monday... mainly because that means that tonight (Sunday) I can eat as much as I want because... as you know... diet starts Monday!! WOOP!!!

Thank you again to everyone that has been in touch :) It makes me sooooo freakin’ happy when I know someone has read this and taken something from it :) Keep fighting fellow Spoonies xxxx and please don’t hesitate to get in touch! Also, if anyone can *like or *share this blog I would be so grateful :) xxx Until next week!!! xxx