bloom

a flightless bird slowly driving myself crazy!

[aurora-sadprose]

put down that c.ai thing and read y/n fics like god intended.

[altruisticsinner]

i don’t know you anymore

[altruisticsinner]

i am not gentle.

i am not sweet.

i am not feminine divine,

i am not what you want,

nor do i want to be

[altruisticsinner]

my best friend from elementary school just posted her engagement photos. ive never even been in a serious relationship. what drugs do i have to abuse to convince myself it was ai?

[altruisticsinner]

i think one of the worst feelings is no longer being able to rely on someone you did for most of your life. never really lived without having them in my corner so i’m not sure how to continue

[haretic]

did you ever wish you were somebody else?

[altruisticsinner]

parasite-

Sometimes your mother is the parasite that digs itself into every aspect of your life, telling you, "You aren't good enough, and everyone knows it."

[rainedravens]

"holy shit they finally confessed, what comes next--"

[itzzkaylaaa]

I made this

[harmful-tropes]

I have a distinct memory of laying in my bed as a kid and wishing with all my heart that I would get hurt. That I would get into a bad car crash or I'd disappear. So my parents would cry and realize they didn't cherish me enough.

I find it sad that younger me thought she had to get hurt to feel loved.

[traumasurvivors]

You weren’t abused because you were a “bad child”. You were abused because they were abusive.

They only said those things to try and find some justification for their abuse.

[haretic]

dear diary, i am dead.

my breath smells like a rotting, fetal pig. i feel like the inside of my body is decaying from the inside outwards.

the smell comes first, the premier indication that i am a walking corpse; soon to be followed by chunks of my skin sloughing off, hanks of hair falling out with no resistance, and my liquified insides making their way through the cracks.

i do not know what is wrong with me. i do not feel real. i know i am sick. clinically, i know this, but i can't bring myself to care about anything except the smell.

i spend hours scrubbing at my tongue, gagging as i move too far back to my infected throat, hoping to rid myself of the reminders i am a decaying piece of organic matter, hoping my methodical sanitization will do anything to get rid of the smell, or at the very least make me feel better.

of course, it doesn't. i gag into the sink, coughing up mucus and frothy saliva into the sink as i try to hold back the little food i've been able to eat the past few weeks, trying to spit out the smell of rot.

now, i'm meant to be asleep. sleep off the fever. sleep off the sickness. you'll wake up better. but i can't sleep. my mouth is sickly sweet, a petri dish of unidentified microbes ruining my life. i can't think of anything else aside from the taste of rot, ever present no matter what i do.

i'm rotten. dying in front of you. when i speak you can smell it on my breathe. the smell of formaldehyde and decay. i lift my head out of my bed for a few minutes at a time, sipping water, crawling to the bathroom to try to rid myself of it all, tentatively eating what is given to me, but the rot is still there. it always will be.

i've almost resigned myself to it. i'm a rotten girl, my insides are reflecting that. maybe its my fault for having been so impure, some sort of karmic justice. i cough out yellow-green-grey globs of snot from my chest into the toilet, and i feel almost maternal towards it. this is my rot, expelled from out of my body, only to be pushed aside and thrown out. i understand how that feels.

but i rid myself of it anyways. no matter my instinct to care for that which comes from me, i want to stop rotting, if this means throwing out my own petri-dish children, so be it. i'd prefer their death over my own.

[altruisticsinner]

i had a dream i relapsed

[altruisticsinner]

i’m so scared i’ll feel like this for the rest of my life

[altruisticsinner]

i miss you every moment of every day, dad. it’s been 4 years and my heart still hurts as if it were yesterday.

[altruisticsinner]

words genuinely cannot express how crippling my anxiety is. every time I try, I just feel so dramatic and never feel like the words I'm saving are the right ones. I spend every waking hour second-guessing everything I do. I'm so scared for the future, and I have no reason to justify it. I overthink constantly and it gets to a point where I can't breathe. I'm driving myself crazy and I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I wish I never had all those bad things happen to me. I would be so much better, I swear. I try and try to get over these things, but it's constantly stuck in my mind. it never leaves. I wish I could forget how my dad's hugs felt or the mean evil things my family would say to me when I was only a kid. It's as if every bad thing has dug itself so deep in my head like a parasite. I truly wish I was just being dramatic and none of this really affected me but sometimes the only solace I feel comes from knowing this life is temporary.

[12thgrave]

“your trauma doesn’t define you” no actually it does. it dictates every aspect of my shitty life.