recovery and studyblr

girl | 25 | MPsych/Master of psychology| depression, compulsive, anxiety, past self harm/suicide | RECOVERY also STUDYBLR. search 'mine' for my photos. Things I like, sad things, funny things, tips, inspirations, everything. My other (main) blog about random things www.niebieski-kwiat.tumblr.com

[snootyfoxfashion]

Art Prints by Chocolett

x / x / x

x / x / x

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

Root 4 u

[lousydrawingsforgoodpeople]

[study-10-deactivated20210421]

One day? or day one. You decide.

Bir gün? veya birinci gün. Sen karar ver.

[romanticnihilists]

[and-she-recovers]

I hope

[throughtheeyesofmyself]

[and-she-recovers]

It's really difficult accepting that I have the right to exist and I'm enough

[juansendizon]

[thelatestkate]

May 2020 Illustrations ヽ(• ‿ •)ノ

[and-she-recovers]

You know, I've been taking different antidepressants for 7 years now, I had therapy for 6 years. It was a psychodynamic one, so we were going over and over over my thoughts, childhood and all that. I think maybe I need(ed) some CBT too? Either way I'm still miserable. I think I haven't tried hard enough during therapy. I loved having that one place where I could just share my thoughts and be brutally honest. But maybe I just used it as such, venting time, instead of an actual healing? Because of the end of my education (the end of university) I had to stop seeing my therapist and psychiatrist - I started seeing them as a teenager, so I was under the 'children' sector that miraculously let me continue treatment till the end of my education (only if I started before 18) at 24 years old. Since then I moved to another country and then the whole pandemic thing happend so I couldn't find a new doctor here. But I soon will. And I've been wondering - what now? I really think there's nothing one can do. Maybe it's me not wanting to get better? But I hate the way I feel. I often feel like my brain is betraying me and I have no control of how I feel. No matter what I try it just destroys my mood and thoughts.

I looked up treatments for persistent depression and I'm scared of medical procedures - they can cause amnesia and so on. I am pretty sure they will want me to change my medications - again - and see what happens.

I wish people understood why it's so hard to actually live with all that. I wanna die but then I do want to have a normal life. I want someone to say 'I can see why you would want to die' instead of 'stop it, it'll get better'. I don't want them to encourage me to go to Switzerland and ask for assisted suicide, I just want them to simply acknowledge the seriousness of my state.

[and-she-recovers]

Lately it's been really really bad.

I can't wait for an appointment with a new psychiatrist - since I moved abroad - and change medication/ think about different treatment. I've been hearing 'it will get better' for the past 8 years. 'you will know what you want to do in your future...' 7 years of therapy didn't help me much - I was always very honest but I guess I never really worked on myself. I guess it was a psychodynamic therapy so we were basically talking constantly about me but... I guess I have unresolved issues. I go over things in my head, the same things over and over.... What's the point?

I'm not sure there is anything that can be done and no doctor will ever help me. Some cases are just like that I guess.

[and-she-recovers]

I am actually not getting better. I don't know what to do.

[and-she-recovers]

I hate myself so much I am disgusting.

There are no jobs around apart from a lot of 'care worker' ones. As much as I don't mind and would like to spend time with older people/people with mental health problems, I don't feel like I can manage duties including personal hygiene. I feel so sorry for people and I know they deserve help and happiness and normal life. I know there are people trained for such caring and people who are willing to do such jobs. I know I might one day end up having to help my own parents, who knows? I fear judgment, my own mind hating me for those feelings.

Considering I majored in psychology... I'm quite heartless.

I think I also have a lot of issues with accepting my own body - its look and functions...

[and-she-recovers]

Eh, I hate taking so many pills for migraine (last resort is the strongest one) only for them to never work. It hurts so much. And I'm taking antidepressants everyday too. Help my liver.

[and-she-recovers]

I really wish I had friends. Someone to talk to. To be able to meet someone and just... Spend time with? I'm 25 and I failed when it comes to socialising. I was never good at it - mostly because I was just selfish. I was afraid I don't know what to do during a meeting. I knew I wasn't myself. I came back home and my mood dropped and I wasn't happy or didn't feel enjoyment anymore. I felt like putting an act. Why tho? School years are over, it's hard to find someone my age. I could message friends from uni. We always met at school, rarely outside. That was probably my fault too. Now I moved to another country so it's even more difficult. I feel like I have nothing to talk about. I feel like it always end up in me moaning about my miserable life. I know I'm selfish and never care about anyone else. I was thinking about what if I get married to my boyfriend... I would probably invite people from school, those I talked to. But I don't have this one that I could go wedding dress shopping. That would spend time with me gossiping and all that.

It really hurts realising that. And even my parents comment on me not having friends. They are upset about it.

[asking-jude]

Always practice self-care.

[positivebears]

[romanticnihilists]