Legitimately and sincerely, one of the hardest things to unlearn after only surviving through intense masking and fawning for decades, is to
ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE UNLIKEABLE!!!!
That doesn't mean be an asshole. "You owe no one anything" is fascist rhetoric for people who dont understand how many people made the high chair they're sitting on.
It means to be yourself and assert your needs, even if it means some people don't like you. Because when youve spent your entire life crafting a mask based on pleasing and being liked by everyone, being yourself and having needs feels RUDE and TOO MUCH - and you'll have surrounded yourself with people who WILL reinforce that idea. There are a million people in the world who will love you for YOU, for all the parts of you others say are too much or too little, but they cant FIND YOU if you're hidden under a mask of politeness and likability. And then, when inevitably someday that mask slips, you're surrounded by people who DONT like the real you and only want someone easy, fawning, and nice. They walk away at the first sign of conflict, or you not being able to show up, or you just existing as you - and if they dont walk away, they stay to make sure you know how much they dont like the real you when it comes out.
Then of course you spiral - if the people whove been around for years, who say they love me, dont think Im worth navigating conflict for or dont like what they see when Im relaxed and just Me, then NO ONE EVER WILL!!!! And that part of your nervous system that truly believes you will be beat to death if you ARE yourself ramps up, because look at the negative consequences look at the community you're losing!! So you hide deeper, and offer even more of yourself, and never say no. Maybe every now and then you look back and realize you "inexplicably" seem to be attracting a lot of people who take advantage of you and walk away like its nothing.
The reality is, the longer you hide your actual personality and needs, the longer you're going to be around people who aren't here for them. Bc they're here for the person you've been pretending to be, and all the awesome things that person offers while asking for nothing. Bc they're attracted to people who will give up so much of themselves and not judge them for anything, who never ruffle feathers or make things awkward by calling someone out in public, who is just Nice and reliable. Its easy to be that person for a lot of people, and to be SO focused on being that that you dont realize how few of them seem to have an interest in your life, and hobbies and opinions and wants.
Then, one day, you're real. You have wants and needs and thoughts, and you're going to pull over and help this animal or call out that person yelling at a cashier, whether they want to participate or not. Or you can't come to that thing, or watch their pet. Or you're finally asking for something. Or you're unleashing that seething frustration at not feeling like you CAN ask for things in a super unhealthy way bc youve sat on it for 18 years. Either way, you aren't just an endless font of positivity and love.
And if you're lucky, they walk away. And if not, they beat you back into place. There's just so many reasons you can't have what you need, and you need to give them everything they want. But either way, you end up realizing you were not loved for you you were loved for what you could provide and the mask you wore.
And you can let that destroy you. You can let it eat away at whatever is left of you under there, and form and mold and squeeze yourself into a shape that pleases them enough to stay.
Or you can let them leave, and rebuild. Find the pieces and embers of you you buried. Embrace them and apologize for believing they had to be hidden and silenced in order for you to be loved. You can find your voice, and your will, and your passions again. You can rebuild yourself based on what YOU want and need, who YOU WANT TO BE and become, instead of building the best possible facade of what everyone else wants from you. You can be loud and obnoxious and YOURSELF.
And the people who see you then???? The people who find you and are attracted to the fullness of you, who are seeking out other weirdos and passionate people, who SEE and WANT TO BE WITH the person beneath that mask, are the real ones. Theyre the ones who'll stick through conflict or you having wants and needs, who'll show up for you in their own ways as much as you show up for them. They get to see and fall in love with the real you, and in doing so you get to surround yourself with people who are HERE for YOU. Not a mask or a promise never to need anything.
You can ONLY find these people by being yourself and asking for what you want and need. By being "unlikeable" at times bc you're LIVING. Doing so keeps away the emotional vampires and those who just want what's useful to them. And it keeps you alive, instead of shrinking until theres nothing left. Its not easy, and its not an all or nothing one and done thing, but its worth it.
kianamaiart
theartofmadeline
pixelskylines
areudirty
