Anonymous Secrets Forever @anonymoussecretsforever-blog - Tumblr Blog

Help

Looking for some survivors stories. I'm working on a project right now about sexual assault/rape. And I want your stories. So please inbox me with your story. It can be anonymous. I don't need your name. But your story is important and I want you to be part of it.

#sexual assault #survivor #rape #assault #story #help #inbox #anonymous

My Mom

So I had a lot of issues with my mom. She had moved away while I was in high school which caused issues with us because I needed her and she was not there. She also had an addiction to prescription medication and alcohol. Which she never wanted to admit and was never open to accepting help for. She also battled with anxiety and depression. Which makes so much sense considering her behavior and actions. Since I was battling my own demons this caused a lot of problems between the two of us. Because I was not able to handle her issues on top of my own. So we stopped talking for quite a while. And the only times I would hear from her were drunk and incoherent phone calls where in one breath I was an ungrateful child and in the other she loved me and she was so proud of me.

It was very difficult to deal with during this time she attempted suicide three times but was never successful. The last time though we almost lost her. After it she decided to move back closer to home. Her and her boyfriend found a place and moved back. We tried one last time to get her help. She agreed to it and we took her to the hospital and she essentially committed herself. However they only held her for the day as they evaluated her. At that moment she had no medication or alcohol in her system and did not appear to be a threat to herself or anyone else. So they released her in the care of a therapist and she had to go to appointments regularly. However shortly after all that she was right back to her usual ways. Not going to therapy like she was suppose to, drinking all the time and taking the medication. So I told her that was it for me. I could not handle it anymore.

A few months later she and her boyfriend got married. It was very spur of the moment it felt like. Because for the longest time he had asked her to marry him and she always said no. But finally agreed. She invited me to the wedding but I did not go because I did not support it. He enabled her and I did not want to be around that. Six months after they got married my mom died. June 25th 2014. She was 51 years old.

The morning we found out she died it came as a complete shock. My sister called me and told me and I just lost it. We had told ourselves we needed to prepare for this day because of all the suicide attempt but you can never actually prepare your mind and emotions for it. I just cried and cried the whole day. I could not stop. My fiance just held me for what seemed like ever after I got the call. I could barely breathe, talk, or think. I could not believe that the call I anticipated for so long had actually happened. My fiance managed to calm me down enough for me to get in the shower and get dressed so I could go to her apartment. After we got there he had to leave for work because at that point him being a manager he couldn’t just not go. My sister and my moms husband were there. And we all just sat there for what seemed like forever trying to make sense of what happened.

The days following her death involved meeting with the lawyer, cleaning out her property in the apartment that was left to my sibling and me, planning a memorial service, and waiting for autopsy results because her death was found suspicious. We found out more about what happened from her husband. She had apparently been sick for a few months. Every day getting worse and worse. To the point that she couldn’t even get out of the bed to go to the bathroom or shower. Obviously we are wondering why he didn’t take her to the doctor or the hospital. He said he couldn’t get her down the steps himself. Then when we asked why he didn’t call 911 and get them to come get her he said he didn’t want a $1,500 taxi cab bill. Then the night she died what had happened was she was very restless while sleeping. Talking in her sleep. Tossing and turning and her husband could not sleep. So he had left the room and went to lay on the couch to get some sleep. When he woke up in the morning and went in to find her she was dead.

So after everything we were very skeptical about her death. Honestly thinking he had something to do with it. But not knowing exactly what. He had always enabled her and manipulated her. And we just didn’t know. In this whole process he ended up setting up getting her cremated and went and did it and said his last goodbye without telling any of us but checked in on Facebook about it. And he did not want any part of what we were doing to honor her. We ended up finding out from the autopsy that she had a virus which ended up turning into heart failure. So while he may not have directly done anything he did not care for her like he should have. He should have gotten her help. Or done something. She could have been saved.

So after all of this I faced so much personally from this. Not only the heartbreak from losing my mom but guilt and regret for not fixing our relationship. For not being there for her when she needed it. Not answering the phone calls, not calling her back, not being there when she needed me most. But I have to keep reminding myself that it took two of us to make the relationship what it was. And I need to focus on the good times we had. However now it is hard going through the wedding planning process without her here. Not having my mom to help me with this is crazy hard. I always imagined by the time I got married we would have resolved our relationship and I would have her to help me. But I am surviving and I know she is with me every day. And I am blessed to have my sister in my life. She has stepped up in so many ways to be the mom figure I needed. And I just take each day at a time.

#mom #life #update #death #love #heartbreak #pain #hurt

Relationships

So the last time that I posted on here I was dating a guy. However a few months after posting I broke up with him. Then a few months after that in May of 2013 I started dating another guy. No one was really happy about it at first. My friends thought he was using me because he previously had a fling with one of them. And he was 12 years older than me. However we were together and happy. He was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease only a few months into us dating but I stuck by him through the hell that happened that summer. Just like he stuck by me through all my shit. After a year and a half of being together we moved in with each other. Then after a little over two years of dating on July 16th 2015 he proposed to me while on vacation with my family. So we now have been engaged for a little over a year and will be getting married October 8th of next year. I am so excited to marry him. Planning the wedding right now is the only thing that keeps me calm and relaxes me. I am so madly in love with him and cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

#love #marriage #wedding #engaged #fiance #update

So here is how my updates are going to go....

There is so much catch you all up on. So instead of making one giant post about everything I am going to make individual posts about each topic. Hopefully it works well.

So it has actually been forever....

It has been so long since I have posted on here. And I feel bad for abandoning this blog. This blog was and still is so important to me and I want to get back into using it. So my goal is to use this again like a diary. Which I definitely need. I will try my best to post daily. But I will definitely start using this again regularly.

#comingback #forreal #itsbeentoolong

Coming soon...

Wow it has been a long time since I have been on here and posted anything. I want to get this blog back up and running because so much has happened since I last really posted on here. I now have my computer back after two years of not having it. So I finally have the means to actually make this blog a thing again. I missed it and I missed all the wonderful people who followed it and may even continue to follow it. And if you still do follow it then I am impressed and honored that you stuck around. So I swear to you all that I will get this blog back up and running. It already received a face lift. Now it just needs to be updated on my life. Let me know what you think of its new look. Love you guys.

#blog #posts #computer #imgoingtodoit #facelift #comingsoon #ipromise #iswear

Hope you're doing okay. ♥♥♥

I am... Or at least trying to be. Thank you. <3

I'm so fucking lost any more. Shit has been blown way out of proportion, people not understanding that they a stronger than they think, stress levels elevated, anxiety levels elevated, and I just constantly feel like I'm falling apart. The blade will be my friend tonight. Lefts just hope I can get myself to stop.

#strength #stress #anxiety #blade #cutting #self harm #suicide #stop #lost #fuck #falling #apart #falling apart

I feel like such a horrible person. I know what I did needed to be done but he trusted me. He trusted me with a lot. And in turn I trusted him with a lot. Then I went and opened my mouth. As I said what I did needed to be done. But fuck. I betrayed his trust. I fucking hate myself.

#horrible #person #betrayed #betray #trust #trusted #trusting #him #he #his #fuck #hate

Cutting tonight may be an understatement for what I want to do....

#cutting #cut #self harm #tonight #understatement

So in about a half an hour I have a consultation with a therapist. Extremely nervous. Anxiety builds the closer it gets and the closer I get to the office. Wish me luck? There's a lot that could/ will come with this.

#therapist #consultation #nervous #nerves #anxiety #luck #help

getsinthezone-blog

#demi lovato #lightweight

It's been a while...

I know it has been a while since I have made a personal post on to here and I am sorry for that. I know there are a lot of you who follow this who really and truly care about what happens to me and you want to know. So I apologize for not having made a personal post on here since my last update which was over a month ago. So here goes what has happened in the past month. I’m lucky to have my journal entries that I make when I go through rough patch because they are what is going to allow me to update you all. Hopefully I will cover everything that has happened.

December 6th: This was an extremely rough night for me. A lot of things had festered up and finally broke lose. And seriously I have the most amazing boyfriend because I would not have gotten through this night if it had not been for him. We had just been talking about deeper and deeper topics while on FaceTime and my anxiety just took over and I started mentally falling into a black hole that just kept going and going. I was literally sitting on the phone with him and digging my nails into my hand to try and control myself and nothing was working. I eventually had to walk out of my room and go to the bathroom to try and calm myself down and out of the urge to cut. Mainly because I didn’t want to cut and for him to blame himself for it because it seriously had nothing to do with him. When I returned to my bedroom I kept myself off camera and as he continued to talk to me I broke down crying and the need to cut kept growing. He kept apologizing and I just kept trying to explain to him that it was not his fault. I was fighting myself. Overall he kept talking to me because he essentially kept me from attempting suicide. He told me countless times to go wake up my dad or to call 911 to get help and I refused. I eventually got calm enough for me to go to bed and for him to trust that I was going to bed and I wasn’t going to do anything including cut. It was a very hard night. But he saved me.

Later on this same day after having gone through essentially the entire day I did cut myself because the urge to cut was still quite strong and I wanted it to subside. It was also to help clear my mind even if it was just for a short amount of time. I didn’t cut to bad because I had plans so I couldn’t wrap my wrist up. So it was nothing too bad.

UNDATED: I wrote in my next journal entry that I had cut at some point before the next entry but I did not make a journal entry about it.

December 16th: I cut this night because of two reasons. One was my anxiety. And I rather not get not get in to the story behind this anxiety. The other reason was because I failed a class. The reason failing this class was so bad was because it prevents me from leaving the community college I am at. So I am stuck at this school for at least another semester which really sucks. So just a couple things messed me up and I lost it.

December 19th: So I cut this night because I had received the news that my mom was on life support after attempting suicide for the third time. I was upset, hurt, angry, and just a whirl wind of emotions. I didn’t know how else to handle it. I wanted to cry but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I think a lot of that had to do with the fact I was so angry with her. Like I understand that she doesn’t know about my relationship with suicide but still. We have been pushing her for so long to get help and she refuses to listen. The upside of all this is it forces her in to getting at least a little bit of help. I still have yet to talk to her. I’m just not ready to talk to her and I don’t know how long it will take for me to be ready.

So that was the last time that I have cut and honestly tonight may be added to the book. I haven’t been right for a few days and I am just losing it now and I don’t think that I can handle not cutting tonight. I will definitely make a legit post on here if I do end up cutting tonight and I will go back to posting on here again on a regular basis.

On the upside of things I have contacted a therapist. Since everything that happened to my mom my dad offered to let me talk to someone so I took advantage of it because I needed it for not only that but for other things too. Obviously. So I will also keep you guys posted on that as well.

Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me through everything. You guys are truly amazing.

#cutting #self harm #suicide #update #journal #entry #therapy