Apocalypse- some assembly required

Talking about the end of days in books, media, and film.

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

“I may or may not be a smart man, but that was dumb.” – @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired, on the Ottoman Empire’s war strategy in Civ V

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

It’s a fact.

[shamblingshitpickle-deactivated]

PSA: journalists aren’t supposed to put names in the headlines if the person isn’t a public figure. It’s not a matter of maliciously not giving credit

[orson-bigdaddy-krennic]

^^^as a journalist, this is something that bothers me ALL THE TIME

[thalassarche]

A friend of mine on Twitter explained this the other day, so to elaborate based on what she said: If the name is not instantly recognizable the way a public figure is, then putting the name in the headline isn’t going to bring about any sort of recognition or connection in the reader, and doesn’t do much to draw the reader into the story. But something like “local teen” does create a connection by tying the person into the community, and encourages the reader to learn more about what this local teen has done. The name will be in the article itself, after the headline has done its job at getting the reader to look into it.

[captainsnoop-deactivated2020041]

It’s worth noting too that usually, according to the Inverted Pyramid writing style used for journalism where the most important information is shared first, the person’s name is usually in the first sentence of the first paragraph.

Whenever I see someone get up at arms over a headline that says “Local Teen” and the first comment is “SAY THEIR NAME” I’m always like “hey, thanks for telling every journalist present that you don’t read articles and just skim headlines.” Really makes us feel appreciated.

[zandorv]

I think this Onion headline illustrates the point pretty well

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

This is a personal pet peeve of mine as someone who works for a local journalism outlet. Thank you.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Tonight, on LegendSmashers!”

— Rogue, shortly before a MythBusters-worthy explosion

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

Remember this, @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired?

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

Good times, good times!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context; It’s our first session – a prologue/practice episode for the new players to learn the game. One of them is a mermaid princess named Alona who has been created with very ‘the little mermaid’ vibes. She’s choatic good. We also have a cursed Dryad named Viri, and an Aasimar NPC named Varren. Alona is leading the survival checks as we travel thru a cursed wood. She just rolled very high.

Me, the DM: Okay, so you see a pulsating purple blossom open in the shadows under a tree, and spot vines hissing through the grass, going right for Varren’s foot. What do you do? 

Alona: Is it a bad thing? It might be good! 

DM: What do you wanna do?

Alona: I’ll just watch and see what it does. 

*Viri, ooc, dying with laughter.* 

DM: … Okay. The vine darts out of the undergrowth and strikes at Varren’s ankle like a snake, wrapping around it and pulling him to his knees! He’s being dragged toward the plant and a wicked black tree that’s shivering and opening it’s branches as if to embrace him! Varren is trying desperately to free himself before he can be pulled into this nasty tree but he’s dropped his sword and is still weak from earlier. 

Viri: Alona, grab Varren! I’m going to take out my long bow and shoot it! *rolls high on attack and damage, leaving the plant just barely alive with an evil purple pulsating heart exposed*

Alona: Can I rip out the heart and put it in Varren’s chest? 

DM: You…. you want to rip out the cursed heart of an evil flower and… shove it into Varren’s chest? 

Alona: Yeah! Hearts are good things! When have you ever seen a heart that was bad? 

DM: It’s not heart shaped, hon, it’s like, an actual HEART. As in the organ. 

Alona: Oooh. Well. This guy is useless. He keeps getting hurt and attacked and we have to feed him and now he’s just slowing the party down so. I’m gonna rip out the heart and shove it in his chest anyway. 

Viri, ooc: Are you sure you’re chaotic GOOD?!

Alona rolls and ends up up mashing the heart against his chest and making evil smelling purple jelly. WHICH SHE THEN LICKS OFF HER HAND. And fails a constitution saving throw against. 

Viri: Yeah, you’re not doing the survival checks any more.

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

DM: Time to get out the Monster Manual, or as some people like to call it: the Waifu Catalogue.

Me: WHAT.

[blimpyou]

Sometimes I smash or pass the whole book

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

What the fuck guys

[ultimatefangirl-exe]

I like to smash or pass monsters in DnD and Pathfinder books.

[theneverlandpiratewitch]

BugBears are legit.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

can we not

[crankywitchgaia]

@celestial-guardian-ragnarok @chika-ann

Smash or pass

[chika-ann]

Heh… that depends… what’s on the list

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

dogs

there are dogs on that list

you wanna fuck a dog

wait

this is tumblr

don’t answer that

[sciencegenius]

dogs? pass.

Liches tho……. ;)))

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

That’s actually not a terrible entry to thirst after. I mean, you could technically count it as necrophilia, but its consensual necrophilia, so you do you.

[definitelybeholderrpgideas]

What the fuck

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Of all the reblogs and additions to this post, this is the one you’re shocked by?

[definitelybeholderrpgideas]

Consensual necrophilia is not a phrase I thought I’d hear. Then again this is tumblr, so maybe that’s on me

[noblevagrant65]

Hot take: the term consensual necrophilia also applies to vampires, since they’re undead creatures. Wanna fuck Strahd? You’re in the same boat with the lich fuckers. 

However, what I think the real treasure we’re all sleeping on is liches….in love. Just immortal wizard gals being pals.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

I am absolutely here for the immortal undead lesbians

[tigressflower007]

IS IT STILL NECROPHILIA IF YOU’RE DEAD TOO??

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

I don’t think so?

[vriska-coded]

Ok next topic is a dragon and a human beastiality for the dragon?

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

both are sentient, so its just interspecies sex.

[novas-grimoire]

…I am now reminded of that argument I got into about whether or not a half-dragon would have a cloaca.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

[pwbi]

This post is an entire dungeon of bad decisions at this point

[choryllis]

I think you mean legendary decisions

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Legendary for being bad

This is not what i expected when i started this blog

To be fair, i wasnt expecting a whole lot when i started this blog in 2014

But it definitely didnt include 10k notes of thirsty monsterfuckers

[the-cephalon-weave]

11 approaching 12 thousand

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Fuck you’re right

[liquid-geodes]

I thought I could scroll past this but boy am I guilty to some extent with the dragon knight-

[therealsirsticker]

Well, you know what they say, it’s not gay if he’s dead!

[liquid-geodes]

N-

No one says that-

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

I’d agree with you, @ask-link-the-hylian-champion but I’m almost positive its been said by at least one of my D&D groups. I actually have a hard time imagining a world where it wasn’t.

I mean, I also kinda hate myself for it, so there’s that.

[liquid-geodes]

Oh I hate that-

Why would you say those words to me-

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Imagine hearing them straight from the mouth of a person you trusted

[liquid-geodes]

That sounds like the exact opposite of a thing that I would want to do

[shaaknaa]

@thedungeonofbaddecisions have you not read The Book of Vile Darkness? They go over some of these questions. I think The Book of Erotic Fantasy goes over some of them too…

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

No, and i dont want to

I refuse to indulge this mess by citing actual sources

That is too far

[iratusmagus]

You think you’ve hit rock bottom?

Take the shovel and finish digging your grave.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Only when this post shows up on pinterest

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

@thedungeonofbaddecisions whose to say that it already hasn’t?

Also, centaurs are highly underrated in general, though I can’t recall if they are in the monster manual or not.

[laivaaja-deactivated20250302]

Imperial Snapchat

Imperial Snapchat. Admiral Piett is currently leading the contest.

Thanks for the wonderful idea, @kaelinaloveslomaris and @occasionalinanity

[mmn-darthfett-deactivated202211]

I am sorry

[padawansuggest]

Boba: Hey, Vader, wanna take a selfie?

Anakin hindbrain: *chanting* SELFIE SELFIE SELFIE SELFIE-

Vader: …ugh, fine.

Boba: lol cool, I’m gonna use the cat ears feature!

Anakin hindbrain: *ungodly screeching noises*

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

@man-in-space this sounds like something that would happen on your sub-reddit

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Plan C

Context: The party was going to attack a raiders’ camp. The raiders were part of a cult who worshipped dragons. Plan A was for me (a dragonborn) and our cleric (who had an amulet that allowed him to speak and understand Draconic) to talk to the guards so that the rest of the party could attack, starting with our two scouts killing the people who were sleeping. Plan B was to light the surrounding forest on fire.

The cleric and I let the guards approach us and tell them we wish to join their cult.

Guard: “Why should we let you join?”

Me: (partially out of character to the cleric) Offer them your amulet.

Cleric: *grudgingly does**rolls to see what they think*

Die: 3

DM: The guards hogtie [cleric]. [My character] is still unharmed.

Rest of party: (out of character) Time for plan B.

Derek (dragonborn fighter): “Plan B! I run in to save [cleric] and attack the guards.” *rolls 4*

DM: “You trip on a rock and are captured by the guards.”

Our Team’s Pyromaniac: “Plan C! I set the forest in front of me on fire. Then I set more fires to the sides and run out the back.”

DM: Roll three times.

Pyro: *16, 18, 5*

DM: You don’t leave yourself a way out and are now surrounded by fire.“

Me: (out of character) Plan A wasn’t entirely a failure. I was still fine. And [Derek], that was not plan B.

We all ended up surviving the battle, but we burnt down most of the forest.

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

Not sure what system this is, but this seems like awfully harsh play by the dm? Instant capture for one failure, for example. This kinda sounds those forced stealth sequences in non-stealth video games.

[penny-anna]

One of my fav things about Gandalf is, he can & canonically does Full Name hobbits when he’s angry like he’s their mum or something

[penny-anna]

important follow up Qs:

1) does it frustrate Gandalf that he can’t do this to Bilbo & Frodo with the same impact bcos they don’t have nicknames

2) does he do it to non hobbits

Gandalf, in the distance: ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Aragorn: oh shit I’m in trouble

[stevviefox]

I think when Gandalf is pissed with Hobbits he reverts to the extremely formal  Mister Baggins!

[penny-anna]

you’ve cracked it, that’s absolutely what he does

[fallenangelvictorious]

you know how mad he is based on how far back into your lineage he goes, consider:

Mild: Meriadoc Brandybuck! (last name only, you’ll probably live)

Mad: ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN! (now your ancestors are involved, bad)

Murderous: THORIN, SON OF THRÁIN, SON OF THRÓR! (you are maybe about to meet your ancestors, via Gandalf… and not glorious battle) 

[shaelit]

The scary thing about Gandalf is he’s been around long enough to have met your entire lineage, so the recitation has more oomph.

[aethersea]

“I knew your great-great-great-grandfather and he, too, was a bitter disappointment, but not as much as you are in this moment”

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

“I don’t have a word of power that can fix your fuckery!”

[pi-slices]

Hallway Walk - 191123

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

Looks like something out of the second Sluggish Morss, eh, @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired?

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

Kind of- the frame rate is too high though- think SM had like 5/s

[ratica]

you're welcome

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

@apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

I’ve never seen such a blursed image @man-in-space

[tiktoks-we-like]

[gun-flame]

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

@man-in-space

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Me, the DM: What is a dungeon but a cave with panache.

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

Not sure if that’s a homeless man or an electrician.

@apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired

[bisexualcommando]

mcdonalds employee at 3 am: sir please. Tell me what you want to order.

Parappa the Rapper: sir please. Tell you what I want to order.

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

“…Mr. FedEx of the dwarf world…”

— @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired, about a merchant

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

Tumblr would like him, he’s the king of shipping!

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

“Let me finish what I’m saying, weed-based motherfucker!”

— @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired‘s paladin, to the obviously-stoner druid

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

Tanky McTankface, 2019

[man-in-space-deactivated2023101]

“Tonight, on LegendSmashers”

So today, thanks in large part to @apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired (“Michael”, because that’s his name and it’s easier to type out consistently, but I wanted to tag him and give credit where credit was due), I had the best RPG session I’ve had in years.

Keep reading

[apocalypsesomeassemblyrequired]

This was super fun! We were basically scratching our heads, taking over spells. He mentioned he had thunderwave and was reading off damage. I was mentally doing math and then went “What was that secondary effect again?”

Thunderwave throws all unsecured objects within the area of effect 10 feet.

It was @man-in-space who reminded me that we had 5 sacks of ball bearings in our wagon, and come up with the frankly brilliant Igor act.

Thanks again to our GM for rolling with it!

@yourplayersaidwhat