Context is for Cowards and Boot Thieves

derinthescarletpescatarian

There's gotta be someone more qualified. I'm fucking begging you.

thefoxboy

@evilwizard

evilwizard

don’t involve me in this…

kilgarraghforever

@theshitpostcalligrapher ?

theshitpostcalligrapher

dragon-in-spirit

@teaboot ?

teaboot

☹️

littedemon

@derinthescarletpescatarian ?

Ask the cookie clicker guy

mugknife

For block list maybe

Uh @thebibliosphere is a best selling author think that counts?

thebibliosphere

Over my undead body.

haydenthewitch

"the gang's all here" ass post except none of you want to be here XD

the-haiku-bot

“the gang’s all here” ass

post except none of you want

to be here XD

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

helpmepleaseicantfindaname

@itsapmseymour save us

itsapmseymour

Save you?

On tumblr dot com?

woo i am such a fan of dramatic plants. just prissy fucking plantlife, be it unreasonable or implacable or ostentatious. plants, man

u know what yeah, let’s talk about weird nonsense plants

1. Living Stones

these plants imitate rocks. who does that?

imagine deciding to straight up evolve into rocks as a defense mechanism. i had a whole rant planned but now i’m remembering that i have, in the past, on multiple occasions, daydreamed about being a rock. like that has been a recurring theme in my rich inner fantasy life. i would not forsake the opportunity to evolve into a stone.

2. Hooker’s Lips

ostentatious. flamboyant. vulgar. garish. randy. dare i say whorish? yes. this plant is whorish.

pucker up you hussy

3. Hoya Hearts

overused trope. lacks subtlety and creativity. truly, they just went with the first thought to pop in their head, no brainstorming involved. “ho ho ho i’m just gonna grow into a fucking HEART, that’ll show em!” Needy & basic bitch. looks cute on a desk

4. Lifesaver Plants

manages to be both psychedelic and disapproving. reminiscent of a prudish great aunt–but like, one who did a lot of LSD in the 70s. evidence of an alien lifeform who crash landed and then decided, fuck it, i’m gonna rent a one-story in the midwest and decorate it with vintage wood paneling & floral upholstery. probably smells like stale weed and glass ashtrays

5. Happy Alien Flowers

yes that is their NAME. sort of anticlimactic, but take a gander:

they are absolute sluts for drama, as demonstrated by the little hussies pictured above are YELLING AT ME. they bring to mind seagulls engaged in a Shakespearean blood feud. this flowers have committed aggravated manslaughter and probably got away with it too.

6. Bat Plant

aka Cat’s Whiskers aka Devil Flower. how fucking emo is that??? this plant listens to mcr and is probably the gay cousin. they never got the hang of eyeliner but that doesn’t stop them from trying, bless em. their impetuous devil-may-care persona is hindered by their crippling social anxiety. i’m immensely fond of this plant. they’ll come into their own once they graduate and move away from college, but in the mean time they sit with the tech crew at lunch. you go little Bat Plant!

7. Dancing Plants

total band kids. also called Semaphore Plants, bc they look like they’re trying to flag down a plane. nifty fuckers

in conclusion, three cheers for whiny, namby-pamby, scatterbrained plantlife

so you’ll reblog THIS and my Non-Comprehensive List of Cursed Bird That Piss Me Off, but Whimsical Creatures Failing To Tempt Me Into The Ocean is where tumblr draws the line huh

wheres-lostboy

I am absolutely delighted to show you this orchid the ‘Naked Man’. It’s an orchid native to the Mediterranean and it looks like a lil dude with a tiny penis

PROPORTIONALLY SPEAKING

strange-aeons

bug i made for your consideration.

I have considered it and come to the conclusion that this bus absolutely rules. Thank you.

strange-aeons

WHAT HAVE I DONE

byjove

Kristi Noem’s husband’s bimbofication scandal is so fucking funny. It’s hysterical. I usually don’t care what people cum to but this is such a hilarious petty nothingburger political scandal. There are so many terrible things happening in the world and she put out a statement requesting prayers after pictures of her husband wearing H-cup prosthetic boobs got leaked. $25,000 spent on his big boob kink.

love it when my fellow they/thems refer to themselves with gendered language specifically to make situations gayer and/or funnier.

i knew an enby who got married and they both referred to each other as "my wife." until the other spouse transitioned, at which point they became husbands.

the cherry on top? introducting each other to new acquaintances as "my ex-wife and current husband"

egberts

hey guys is there a nice wizard on tumblr or is it only the evil one

evilwizard

it’s just me

Top ten glands in your body to produce venom with

leaf-de-man

for sure the balls

Your conjecture is baseless. Let’s see what the science says.

It said balls

beebfreeb

Messaging people for the first time is so hard. What am I supposed to say? Like, "You seem really odd and your blog intrigues me. Do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters?" What! Whatever. I will just follow you back and stare at your blog with my big beautiful brown eyes.

scribe-cas

Reblog if you're okay with people coming into your DMs with the "you seem really odd and your blog intrigues me, do you want to have philosophical conversations or perhaps talk about fictional characters"

So many people who wanna argue with me about King Arthur clearly haven’t read the actual medieval texts. I know this because if they actually read the source material they’d know that when it comes to King Arthur, everything is made up and the points don’t matter.

“King Arthur couldn’t have fought the Roman Empire”

Try telling that to Geoffrey of Monmouth.

“You can’t just add in new characters”

Try telling that to Chrétien de Troyes. Aka the guy who invented Lancelot.

“Arthurian canon isn’t French”

Clearly you don’t own an air fryer. Also clearly you haven’t read literally anything written after the Norman invasion.

“Arthur needs to be a knight in shining armor”

If he lived at all he lived almost a thousand years before widespread adaption of plate armor.

“He can’t be in plate armor because that’s anachronistic”

Try telling that to Thomas Mallory.

“The fairy stuff is leftover from Celtic myth/Celtic gods)

A lot of that stuff including the lady of the lake wasn’t added until the 12th century actually. Centuries after England was christianized. It was also mostly added by the French poets.

God, I sure hope so.

redstonedust

when the allegedly cishet neurotypical relative hits you with the "well i think everyones a little bit on the spectrum" "its normal to think about kissing your girl friends sometimes" "sure i've never felt like a woman but i can't change what i am." and you have to suddenly carefully evaluate whether theyre just being dismissive or if you've unlocked some very interesting potential information about your grandmother.

NASA took a pic of the dark side of the moon fyi

marlynnofmany

Yeah, isn’t that a cool picture? It’s the one someone showed me to point out what color the moon really is compared to the Earth! They both have the same amount of sunlight on them here.

The moon’s not white! It’s concrete-gray! It only looks so shiny when compared to the void of space!

I love learning things I didn’t expect to learn. Like when I learned that it’s called the “dark side” of the moon because it’s the side we don’t see, not because sunlight never hits it.

she's mooning us

pigpen06

this side of the moon sucks