Edited to add: Since a lot of people are reblogging this original post, I'm adding the updated version I did that incorporates the intersex circle...
I know intersex people are still getting excluded in a lot of LGBTQIA+ spaces (let alone wider society) and I think it's crucial to show this group is included in the statement that we all deserve equal rights.
I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think something gets lost in the conversation when it comes to the whole "ID-ing as aspec because of trauma" conversation.
Yes, it is wrong to conflate aspec identities with trauma, and it is wrong to say to an aspec person something along the lines of "what happened to make you this way." But it's not wrong because the idea of orientation and trauma being related is absurd and harmful. It's wrong because (1) that's just a deeply inconsiderate thing to say to a person, whether it's true or not, and (2) it implies that aromanticism and asexuality are an affliction that you acquire and something to be fixed, not a neutral or natural state of being and a part of one's identity.
I think in addition to those points, though, and perhaps most crucially: (3) it suggests that "healing" from one's trauma is about reverting back to baseline, back to "normal", back to who you were before, and that just isn't how it works. We already know that trauma and other experiences can rewire how your brain and body work, sometimes permanently; why should one's orientation be exempt from that?
If someone has had experiences, negative or otherwise, that lead them to feel most comfortable using an aspec label, or being in aspec spaces, and they don't feel any need to change that or go back to how they "used" to be, who am I to begrudge them the language and community that helps them make sense of their reality? Who am I to judge someone's reasons for putting a label on something as nebulous and individual and socially constructed as their sexuality, just because I feel I was "born" this way? If someone's reasons for identifying this way make you uncomfortable, why? And why should your comfort dictate what language others can use for themselves?
I am very tired of the narrative that there is a sexuality/romantic orientation/gender/whatever else that you are inherently born as and if something "happens" to make you something else then it should be fixed. I already hear enough that my aromanticism and asexuality are things to be fixed, and this is how I've always been. Why would I ever want to project such an idea onto other aspec people, just because their reasons for identifying as aspec are different or perhaps even transient? It is of no material threat to me whatsoever. In fact, I think people having the language and the support to make sense of their lives and to build a life without romance and/or sex, if that's what they want, can only ever be a good thing, regardless of why they want it. They're all welcome on my shores.
When I hear "you can't ID as aro/ace because of trauma" what I actually hear is "YOUR aromanticism and asexuality are begrudgingly acceptable because you were born that way and can't help it, if you could fix it then you should, and if you weren't born that way then this is a tragedy that has befallen you and you should fix it." Maybe some people's journey with trauma does not involve "fixing" their sexuality but instead embracing what their life looks like now and being content with that. If they're okay with that, why do you care? There are people with trauma in your community who can't extricate that trauma from their identity. How is that a threat to you? How would eliminating those people from your community magically make society more understanding of aspec identities? I promise you it wouldn't. Confront your own discomfort. Your discomfort is not harm.
been getting a lot of very insightful and thoughtful responses to this post lately and i really appreciate that, both from the standpoint of building community and deeper understanding of one another and of the diversity of queer experiences, and from the standpoint of feeling validated/comforted by the notion that my thoughts on this are not as niche as they felt like they were in the moment when i was being told off elsewhere for such an idea. thanks y'all đź’š
I don't like how having sex with a friend is considered weird or unusual (unless of course you have romantic feelings for them) but having sex with one's romantic partner is demanded. I don't like the refusal to separate sex from romance.
Confessions on the brink of death a character accepts out of kindness because it won’t matter soon anyway, but then the other person doesn’t die, the other person expects them to carry through on their promise to love them and gets angry when they try to back out. Blackmail held over someone’s head just to force them to flirt and make romantic advances on another person, so it looks like they wanted this relationship. Talks about marriage and happily ever afters together as a threat. “I love you, I love you, I love you” as a violation that you’re expected to smile at and be grateful for, because you’re supposed to want to be loved. noncon romance.
adding to this: feeling love against your will. love forced on you by some power beyond you. love that you know you wouldn’t feel if you weren’t blessed (cursed) by it. love that you don’t want and is ruining you and that everyone keeps praising you for feeling. love that everyone around you gets mad at you for rejecting anyway. love that’s made so overpowering that it wipes out any semblance of “you” that there is to make way for a thing that will love someone back.
funniest part of this post is how many people reblog it tagged something like “this sounds aromantic” or “op not to derail but aromanticism” and like well guys you’re never going to believe why i find forced romance such a horrifying concept-
*takes your hand* Look, I'm not good at this, but you really gotta move away from "I wish I weren't aro"-type sentiments, okay? They're not good for you.
I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, what I mean is the way you're framing them isn't helpful. Is your aromanticism the reason you can't find a partner who accepts you or is the problem that people are too unaccepting of aromanticism? Is you aromanticism the reason you're scared you'll end up alone or is it because your friends choose to stop hanging out with you once they have romantic partners?
Are you scared and sad and lonely because you're aro or because we live in a deeply amatonormative society?
Idk I just don't think directing it all inward and acting like it's because there's something wrong with being aro, like there's something wrong with you, is healthy.
Check all your favorite songs and share with us the ones that make you feel proudly arospec or just about any song you feel like claiming for the community for no specific reason.
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*The list is still under construction to add more details, but you can already check all the songs submitted so far.
Note:Â We only include the songs we get in our inbox, so, please, submit them there.
at some point, we're really gonna have to start talking about how popular queer media correlates wanting sex with no strings attached with traits like being manipulative, exploitative, abusive, or even predatory. because queer media can talk big game about how aromanticism is cool and valid, but they still turn around and make the antagonist someone who doesn't want a relationship. you support us in name only, you don't wanna give a second's thought to the actual experiences of aromantics. "oh, but this character isn't aromantic!! they're just afraid of commitment!!!" do you have any idea how often actual aromantics are told that shit.
El escapes the lab and runs into Steve who's just minding his own business and was on his way to a social event, but he's not about to leave this traumatised little girl who can barely speak out on her own.
He tries to get her to go with him to the hospital or the police station or even just his parents place so he can call someone for her but she shakes her head and drags him back towards the lab to sneak as many of the kids out as possible.
Steve doesn't even know how it happened but one second he was laser focused on getting Nancy Wheeler to come to a party at his place some day and the next he's being looked up to and relied on by a whole bunch of kids who could very easily kill him if they wanted to. But they don't want to, he knows that. He is probably one of the first people in their lives to see that they're all scared, lost and confused. Not dangerous, not monsters. Just children.
In barely any time at all the Harrington place has become a safe haven for children with superpowers and he's doing increasingly suspicious shopping hauls to make sure he has all of their comfort items as well as the essentials or falling asleep in class and tripping over his own feet in gym because he was up comforting some of the kids after they had night terrors the night before.
Countless expensive items of furniture belonging to his parents, grandparents and great grandparents have been accidentally destroyed but he doesn't care because it's all ugly anyway. He does wish some of them would stop accidentally broadcasting top secret phone calls over the kitchen radio though because he's not entirely certain it won't be traced back to them somehow.
Hopper drops by one day because the neighbours called about suspicious activity only to find the very kids he's discovered military personnel snooping around their town in search of all under the Harringtons' roof. All fiercely protective of Steve Harrington and vice versa if Steve wielding a metal coat stand at him like a weapon the second he answered the door was anything to go by.
"Kid, put that thing down and get inside!" he whispers sharply in way of a greeting. Later, when they're in the kitchen talking, Hopper tells him off for being too quick to attack. "What were you even thinking, Steve? I'm the chief of police. You're lucky I didn't just shoot you on the spot for attempting to assault an officer."
"No," El says, from the doorway where she was listening in. She levitates Hopper's gun out of the holster and turning it mid air to point straight at his face. "You're the lucky one. Steve protects us."
"Okay, it's okay. I'm fine see?" Steve shows her. "Let's not threaten to shoot people at the kitchen table because my parents will go nuclear if blood stains get on anything in here."
Hopper looks at him with wide eyes and says. "Steve, you're clearly in over your head here."
"Tell me about it," Steve sighs, but then his head snaps up like he immediately regrets admitting to that. "Please don't take them away though. And please don't tell those scientist people where they are. I can take care of it, I promise. I just need more time to adjust. I- They're just kids and those people are hurting them in that lab Hopper, please."
Hopper calms him down and tells him it's alright and he's not going to do any of that. He wants to keep the kids safe too, but they need to be smarter about it and find a more secure location and a way to get supplies and let the kids use their powers in a safe way without drawing attention of anyone who might want to hurt them.
They end up running a secret home for children with supernatural powers who were freed from experimentation and pretty much any outcasts who would protect them. El cannot be cooped up for too long and wanders off a lot so that definitely includes the party once she bumps into them by chance one day.
Once they've established roles and a plan, they start to go back to the lab in small groups/pairs to try and rescue more kids. They also check out locations where it's rumoured there may be more of these labs. Sometimes they only manage to find files but recently Steve and Dustin found someone.
He's in his late teens, a little older than Steve. He's clearly been there a long time and is clearly terrified, although they aren't sure if it's of the scientists or his own powers. When Steve first reaches out to help him stand, it's like he's shocked Steve is offering for him to take his hand. He quickly backs further into the wall with these big wild frightened brown eyes like an animal being cornered and Steve feels helpless for a brief moment, but he reminds himself how long it took some of the others to trust anyone.
In a hoarse whisper from a voice that sounds like it doesn't get used a lot, the other boy simply says, "Don't."
Steve stops immediately, offers what he hopes is a kind, reassuring smile and backs up a little to give him space. “Okay. I won’t touch you. I just... what should I call you?”
The boy’s eyes are observant, calculating.
“…Eddie,” he says finally.
"Alright, Eddie. We're here to get you out." Steve says as calmly as possible.
Eddie shakes his head firmly.
"I can't leave," he says, "and you have to go before they come back."
"We can't do that," Dustin argues. "Stop being a stubborn idiot and get up so we can rescue you."
Steve rubs his temples and sighs as he thinks about how Dustin really needs to learn even just the tiniest bit of tact.
"It's safer for everyone if I'm in here," the boy explains, defeated.
"Bullshit," Dustin replies. "They're trying to turn you into a weapon. How is that safe for anyone?"
"Just go," Eddie snaps. His eyes flicker orange for a millisecond, barely there, but Steve catches it.
It's a test, he's trying to prove to himself that he doesn't deserve to be rescued, that the people who've been torturing him in this place for God knows how long were right about him. It hurts less to believe it's safer for everyone if he stays locked away than it would to try to fight back, try to challenge that idea and fail.
Steve holds a hand up to stop Dustin from saying whatever he has prepared to say next.
"You aren't going to hurt us," he says, his voice firm with the confidence of someone who has zero doubt that what they're saying is true. "Whatever they've told you about who you are, it's all lies. You're not the monster here. They are."
Eddie laughs. It’s sharp and broken, like the sound surprises him as much as anyone else.
“You don’t know that,” he says. His hands curl into fists, knuckles white. “You don’t know what happens. What they've made me do in here."
"Try us," Dustin challenges, his arms folded across his chest.
The air shifts.
Eddie’s breath stutters.
The heat comes first rolling off him in waves. Fire crawls along his arms, blooming from his skin in uneven bursts. He hisses through clenched teeth, shoulders curling inward.
Steve sees the skin of his arms flush immediately. Angry pink, spreading fast.
“Hey,” Steve says, sharp now. “Stop, you're hurting yourself.”
Eddie laughs, brittle. The fire snaps out.
For half a second, there’s nothing. Then a metal filing cabinet in the corner begins to glow, crimson bleeding through grey and slowly growing brighter. Heat radiates from it and turns the air in the cramped room thicker.
That explains why there's barely anything in the way of furniture, Steve thinks.
"They figured I was no use if it was hurting me so they trained me to harm other things with it instead." Eddie explains.
Steve swallows. He's not scared, he’s furious.
“They did the same thing to some of the others,” he says quietly.
Eddie’s head snaps up.
“Others?”
“Yeah.” Steve nods. “Kids. Younger than you. Some can move things. Some can hear stuff they shouldn’t. We’ve lost three lamps and a microwave just this week.”
Dustin snorts. “Four lamps.”
"Okay. Four," Steve says.
"My friend El flipped a van once just by nodding her head," Dustin chimes in with a bright, proud smile. "She's awesome."
Steve slowly turns to give Dustin a look that says 'you're not helping'. Eddie looks at him like he's spoken in an alien language.
“The point is,” Steve says gently, “you’re not alone. We've got this place, somewhere peaceful and well hidden. It's safe there."
Eddie stares at him like he’s trying to see through the words.
“Safe,” he repeats, flat. Skeptical.
“Safe,” Steve says again, softer this time. “Messy. Loud. Kind of falling apart at the seams, honestly. But safe.”
The faint glow in the room dims further, heat bleeding out of the air until Steve can breathe normally again. Eddie’s shoulders sag, just a little, like he’s been holding himself rigid for so long he’s forgotten what it feels like to loosen.
“I can't always control it.” Eddie says quietly.
“That's okay,” Steve replies, no hesitation. “We'll figure it out together.”
He takes a careful step closer, slow enough that Eddie can tell he’s doing it on purpose. Not crowding. Just present.
“You don’t have to decide anything right now,” Steve says. “We’re not dragging you out. If you say no, we leave. That’s it.”
Dustin frowns but doesn’t argue.
“But,” Steve continues, “if you want to come with us? There’s a room waiting. You can lock the door. You can stay up all night. You can not talk for weeks if you want. Nobody’s going to make you prove anything.”
Eddie’s hands tremble. He presses them together, fingers digging into his palms like he’s afraid of what they might do on their own.
“They’ll come looking for me,” he says.
“We know,” Steve answers. “If they want you, they'll have to get through all of us first.”
Silence stretches between them, thick and heavy.
Finally, Eddie pushes himself up from the wall. His knees wobble, but he stays standing. The lights flicker once, just once, then steady.
He takes a step toward Steve.
Stops.
Steve doesn’t move.
Eddie swallows hard. His eyes flick to Steve’s hand, hanging loose at his side, and then back to his face.
“I won’t,” Steve says immediately. “Not unless you want me to.”
Another breath. Shaky. Determined.
Eddie reaches out.
His fingers hover for a second, like he’s bracing for something; pain, fire, rejection, and when none of it comes, he closes his hand around Steve’s.
Steve’s grip is warm. Solid. Steady.
Eddie exhales, something breaking loose in his chest as he does.
“…Okay,” he whispers. "Let's get the Hell out of here."
Ari culture is feeling so fucking relieved when you figure out that the guy you got weird vibes from actually has a crush on someone else and you might have actually read too much into it because you're paranoid
Aro culture is being jealous of your siblings who use other social media sites getting funny memes and content about a certain movie starring a green girl and meanwhile all you see on Tumblr for that same movie is another unnecessary ship war đź«
Aro culture is omg please give me love and attention and physical love and cuddle me and kiss me all over— wait no don’t actually no ew please get off me I hate this I’m so uncomfortable this is the worst nevermind. Oh wait no your gone but I kind of want to feel affection WAIT NO nevermind. But I need it but No.
i think we should stop devaluing lust as a form of attraction/acting like lust is inherently worse or more abusive or less trustworthy or whatever in comparison to romantic love. it's just amatonormative and arophobic!
having sexual desire but not romantic =/= not valuing a person, not liking them, treating them like an object, etc. you can lust for someone and not be in love with them and still respect them and have a good relationship with them. lust isn't inherently "shallow" or "surface level" either; you can lust after someone's personality just as much as their body. we need to stop demonizing non-romantic sexual relationships and we need to stop acting like people who are sexually attracted to someone without being in love with them are evil abusive predators who treat other people like objects- thats textbook arophobia.
We're all aro here and we fucking love it @aroshitbcitstheshit - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
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