Asexual genderqueer 30something, cat person, bibliophile, sci-fi geek with a fondness for avengers, and various other fandoms. Alignment: Chaotic Good. About Messaging: Feel free to message me, but I may not respond immediately.
“It's not fair.” The little ghost kicks impotently at the chalk lines around her feet. “I ain't done nothing.”
I nod, setting down my chalk and spellbook. “It does sound like there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding.”
“She took against me, that's what happened,” the dead girl says with a scowl. She looks about fourteen, round faced and spotty, with whisps of brown hair peaking out from under her mob-cap. Her face and her crossed arms have a tell-tale bluish tinge to them. A cholera death.
“I been here for don't know how long and never gave any trouble. Nobody ever complained about me 'till her.”
…well, that's not strictly true.
Number 12, Barclay Street has been attracting rumours of haunting since the mid nineteenth century.
Sounds of faint singing and crying in the corridors at night. Cold spots. Doors that open and close by themselves. Animals acting strangely. Harmless, mid to low-level stuff, typical for a bored teenage poltergeist.
Still, pointing that out isn't likely to achieve much, and certainly the most recent complaints of blood running down the walls, screams in the dark and paralysing night terrors seem distinctly out of character.
The ghost toes the chalk again, more tentatively this time. It stays resolutely unbroken.
She could get out if she wanted to. I'm not one of those assholes who brings out their full arsenal of wards and sigils for a first meeting with a level 2 spectre. The summoning circle will keep her in one place for as long as I need her to talk, but it wouldn't hold for a moment if she really fought against it.
I take it as a good sign that she's still here. Pouting or not, she's clearly willing to work with me.
“None of the others could do this,” she says. “None of 'em even saw me.” She looks up. “Are you here to exise me?”
“Exorcise,” I say instinctively, and curse myself when she flinches. “Sorry, no, no! I don't exorcise people from their homes without good reason, not if they're happy where they are.”
“I was happy. Till she started calling in all them ghost hunters.”
Mrs Delaney had been quite persistent in her attempts to 'fix' her haunted house. Most of the people she found were charlatans, of course, but I'd still arranged an appointment as fast as I could once word reached me. It wouldn't have been long before she happened upon somebody with Talent, and unfortunately not everybody in this field knows how to behave like a professional.
“I think we might be able to help each other,” I say, careful to keep my voice calm and level.
“Don't see how. Not unless you can exorcise Her.”
“Not quite what I had in mind.” I pull out my phone and scroll through my photos. “You say that you're not the cause of the most recent incidents of paranormal activity?”
A pause. The ghost gnaws on her lip. I wait, patiently, keeping my body language open and nonthreatening. “I… I knocked her coffee cup over,” she admits at last. “She was being mean and talking on her telephone, saying I done all these things when I never did! So I decided to show her what I could do if I wanted.”
“Hmm.” The ghost eyes me nervously, as if expecting me to pull out a book, bell and candle and banish her on the spot.
“I only tipped it,” she adds. “I didn't break it or nothing!”
“You shouldn't have touched it at all,” I say sternly. “But… I can appreciate that you were frustrated, so let's say no more about it.”
The ghost looks relieved.
“My point is,” I continue, “if you weren't the one making blood rain from the ceiling or tormenting people in their sleep, then what was? There's no other ghosts on the property.” I find the picture I was looking for. “You can get anywhere around the house, right? Including behind the furniture and in the backs of cupboards?”
“Yes'm.”
I hold the phone up so that she can see the picture on the screen. “I'm going to let you go free in a moment, and I need you to see if you can find anything that looks like this.”
The ghost wrinkles her forehead. “What's that when it's at home?”
“Black mould,” I say, reaching out a foot to break the binding circle. “And I'm pretty sure it's the cause of this haunting.”
A lot of the lore questions can be answered with, "yes, Spike is just a fucking freak."
Like, yeah vampires don't get much out of eating, won't risk going out during the day, wouldn't have the inner compass to seek out a soul, wouldn't stand by a mad Drusilla for centuries, would avoid slayers at all cost, and wouldn't aid a slayer once neutered for funsies.
Spike is just a fucking freak. A weirdo. Darla and Angel couldn't stand him in part due to the fact that something just is sideways in that man's head. No wonder him and Drusilla got on like a house on fire, they both have something deeply wrong with them.
And yeah, there's that whole demon taking the human as a template theory, and Spike being hedonism personified, and I'm well aware.
But like, I think using Spike as any kind of metric is a mistake because he is simply like that.
Spike is a kinked up, adrenaline junkie, loser, who sees common sense and sprints the other way with nothing but a blanket for holes for cover. It's just him, his purple shampoo, and his boredom zooming through the undead existence.
I have many thoughts about how much of the BtVS vampire lore as stated by the Council and Angel is either just wrong or twisted or misinterpreted, but simultaneously I can't deny that also Spike is just a fucking freak.
You guys ever see a post that ruins your life so completely you have to write 6,000+ (so far) words about it?
Me neither.
Author has no idea how relativity works, so my excuse is bigger crew equals heavier ship and less speed equals the relativity not affecting the Hail Mary as much. Also Astrophage has a different name, since in this AU someone else had to name it.
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2
There weren’t words in any language to describe the feeling that was squeezing the air out of Eva Stratt’s chest right now.
It felt like all the air has been sucked out of the room. No one but her was authorized to watch these yet, and it was her foolishness that has made everyone on the ship’s bridge go uncomfortably silent.
She allowed herself to hope when she heard that the Beetles were spotted within their solar system.
This was supposed to be the her breath of fresh air, the moment she had spent decades fighting for. The moment that made all of her heinous actions, the stepped-on toes, prison, and the world’s hatred worth it.
Instead she was staring at the image of a little boy and for the first time in her memory she didn’t care who heard her strangled gasp.
The boy, Ryland Grace, explained that he had just arrived at Tau Ceti. He talked about how the crew died in their comas in-transit. He said that he might not be a grown-up, he might not be trained for this, but he will do everything he can to save Earth. That he’s studied everything he can about the Astercide, about science and biology, and he was ready to made the Earth and his Mama proud.
He was wearing his mother’s yellow flightsuit. The shoulder seems hung well down his arms, and the legs and arms were rolled up so much it was almost comical.
Someone beside Stratt was retching into a wastebasket.
It was never supposed to be this way.
It was supposed to be a pilot, a backup pilot and second in command, two engineers, two scientists. Redundancy after redundancy after redundancy. No room for failure in an already long shot mission.
Stratt was absolutely furious with Marilyn Grace.
She thought she could trust her. Grace had understood her in a way so few people did. Stratt loved humanity, Grace loved life. She loved people, the nature, the cities, drinking, hugging, kissing, dancing, sing, cooking, sex, friendship, family, and all the facets that makes humanity. Marilyn Grace understood the stakes. Or Stratt thought she did.
“I-I hope humanity has lots of babies after we fix the sun.” She sloppily said as she stumbled onto where Stratt was looking out to the ocean. A very convenient hiding spot from the party going on. Grace took another long drink from the Malibu Rum bottle she was holding.“I always wanted to be a mama, and now I’m not going to. Is it bad I want that generation named after me? They all can be my babies.”
“Are you having second thoughts?” Stratt had asked her.
“No!” She answered a bit too loud. “I’m here because I can help save the world! If I’m somewhere not-here and making babies then I’m not saving the world. I’ll just be bringing babies into a colder, meaner world.”
Somehow it made sense at the time.
Ryland Grace’s existence didn’t make sense right now.
If it was a moment of selfishness on Grace’s part, then she wouldn’t have gone into that coma. It would’ve been mortifying to be around her as she grew a baby inside her. Stratt could imagine her smiling throughout the whole thing. Terrible morning sickness would just be met with coos about her little one being a picky eater. Harassing everyone around her about ultrasounds and name ideas. Inviting anyone to touch her stomach when they first start kicking. Cradling her belly as she dances with her baby and sings to the worst pop songs imaginable.
Grace would not have missed those moments for anything in the universe.
Unless it wasn’t her choice-
Eva Stratt prided herself on her ability to destroy factors that could hinder her mission. Now a single moment of thoughtlessness proves she isn’t as inhuman as people like to claim, and now there’s a little boy with the weight of an entire planet on his tiny shoulders.
Mary did you know that your baby boy-
Stratt immediately shut out the song out of her head as quickly as it came to her.
The next video was playing.
“Sooooo I met an alien!” Ryland Grace proudly announces. He looking up at the camera with a huge grin across his face. Big enough everyone can see one of his adult teeth was still growing in. “Anddd we’re learning to communicate.” He added as he took off a piece of duct tape to add to the monstrosity in front of him.
“The language rule is 250 words to order at restaurants right? Then we can go to one!” He said picking up what they can now see is a laptop. “Well technically. In Rocky’s culture it’s private to eat. Like going to the bathroom. And I’ve never been to one. I wonder which ones Mama liked. I wish I could go to a diner, like in the movies.”
For moment it looked like Ryland was going to cry.
“M-Mary stop the video.”
The video stops and restarts.
The sound of retching again. This boy should be on Earth. Riding a bicycle, making crude jokes with his friends, huffing over his mother’s fussing. Not making videos with the weight of the world on his shoulders and not even letting himself cry over it.
“Sorry.” He says, still taping the computer. “Anyway, Rocky and I were sending messages back and forth. I’ll add the videos at the end, but we were able to figure out a lot of stuff! His atmosphere is made of ammonia! And very, very hot. He’s from the 40-Eridani System, and they have a Petrova Line too! My atmosphere would kill him and his, me but it’s not like I’m not used to being the only one here.”
It was far to dark of a joke for someone who hasn’t even hit puberty yet. Stratt doesn’t know who she wants to scream and rage at, but the desire to was a rotten beast clawing the inside of her chest.
Might also be the nausea.
“He’s a mechanic, I think. He uses a metal form of xenon, and he can make anything! Look at this!” Ryland says as he gets up and holds up a piece of metal. “I’m calling it xenonite. And if I can’t understand what he’s saying, which is most of the time, he puts on a little puppet show for me and my tiny brain!”
This child’s brain was far from tiny. She doesn’t subscribe to traditional ideas of intelligence, but Ryland’s ability to learn and retain was astounding. His ability to search for information on the database she gave is an incredible feat.
And heartbreaking because he knew far too much.
And her mission was in his small, fragile hands.
“I should mind it I think. I don’t want Rocky to know how young I am because what if he doesn’t trust me to help? He needs a smart science human like I need a smart engineer Eridian. His sun is dying too, we can help each other.”
The videos he added after that were horrifying in their own right.
Ryland was still shorter than the shortest person on the mission, and smart enough to realize attempting to alter the EVA suit was risky.
The duct tape holding down the extra fabric and the rounds of it around his boots and legs turned out to be least horrifying aspect of his first ever spacewalk.
First person to contact intelligent alien life and youngest person to ever perform a spacewalk. Whichever way Marilyn was looking at them, Stratt hoped she was proud and appalled in equal measure.
Nobody has ever said she had kindness for even honest mistakes. She hopes Marilyn is ashamed. One encounter too close to launch and the thing she wanted most is suffering because of her carefree attitude.
The tunnel with the clear wall was a stark reminder Ryland Grace was just a boy. He made silly poses with the alien, and trusted them far too easily.
She couldn’t even get angry. There’s no one there to warn him of stranger danger, and what would be the point if you were the stranger to even to your own homeworld?
“He, uh, figured me out.” Ryland said next. He laughed nervously.
He was carrying a pillow under one arm, and the Good Luck Quilt was slung over his shoulders. It looked worn and old and well-loved.
Stratt audibly sighed in relief. She couldn’t believe she’d forgotten about it, but he had a comfort item after all. He had something more to hold him than the limp or cold hands of the crew of the Hail Mary.
“He wasn’t mad, and he’s not gonna like, lock me in a crib anywhere. He just made me promise I’ll listen to him since he’s the only adult for light years. Which is understandable. It’ll be nice to have a grown up tell me to go to bed. I have to do a lot of studying and research to understand the Astercide problem and Project Hail Mary and Earth, so I’m going to take advantage of an adult giving me permission to sleep instead while I can.”
Are they going to be able to release any of this to the public?
“Speaking of, I’m doing my first sleepover!” Ryland excitedly told the camera. “I told Rocky I needed to sleep and apparently Eridians sleep way differently than we do. They become paralyzed, so they can’t wake up if danger comes they need someone to protect them.”
Ryland suddenly looked very sad.
“Rocky watched his entire crew die. Like me. He’s been alone out here. Like me. And now he wants to make sure I feel comfortable and safe.” Ryland smiled. “Aliens are good! They’re not like the scary movies at all. I hope lots of people see this so when we save our stars we can do space travel and be friends.”
Stratt could theoretically hear people weeping around her, but she was too focused on his little face. He’s a sweet boy. A sweet, smart boy who has gone through horrors that are going to traumatize psychologists for decades.
And if he knew what the Project Hail Mary mission was, he likely knows he’s going to die. That he doesn’t have the fuel to get to Earth. He likely knows that ship is his tomb. The tomb of a human child who has never felt and will never feel their sun’s light on his skin.
This might be the one bomb to her soul she can’t survive. She always knew if Project Hail Mary failed it would destroy her, but she never anticipated that there would be competition.
In the end, only Stratt and the captain could stay.
He was a big, stoic man, and she has long admired his ability to keep a level head in even the most dire situations.
Even his lip was wobbling a bit.
“I HAVE A NEW ROOMMATE!!” Ryland practically squealed. The captain grinned at his enthusiasm. “Rocky and I spent hourssssss on his tunnels but it’s worth it! It’s nice to have an adult here. He can tell me when to sleep and when to eat and I don’t have to feel bad. It’s nice that I can act a little silly and stupid and scared and he’s here.”
And both Stratt and the captain are back to feeling horrible.
“Grace? Has Grace found the sampler instructions, question?”
“Check this out.” Ryland said as his voice dropped to a whisper. “Sure did, Rocky?” He turned the camera to show how far away Rocky was.
Bright chittering.
“The way our species evolved gives us both strengths and weaknesses. Their engineering science is absolutely incredible.” the boy said turning the camera towards himself again. “But solving their astercide problem was the first time Eridians have ever explored space. They didn’t know a lot of things, like radiation...Rocky’s crew died of radiation.”
Stratt remained silent. She wished she could feel grief for Rocky’s crew right now, but Ryland was taking up too much space right now. She was sure it will hit her later.
“Erid has a very thick atmosphere, so they didn’t even know it existed. The only reason Rocky survived was because his workshop was right next to the Astercide.” He sighed. “I logged the errors that made the coma systems fail, and it should be in what I send back.”
The way this child is going back and forth in sounding far to old for his years or like a small boy is going to give her a heart attack.
But yet another sin on her back, and one she failed to give any serious thought to. What if the whole crew dies? She told people nothing about this was safe, but she supposed she believed too much in the Hail Mary to believe six people would die in space before even getting to Tau Ceti.
“In the movies there’s a thing where they do a moment of silence to honor people. Can we...can we do that?”
“Of course, Ryland.”
It was the captain who spoke.
A long moment passed.
“They better- they better get more than a moment of silence.” Ryland announced fiercely. “Statues and places named after them and awards for how brave and smart they were. I wish I could’ve met them. I wish-” He turned the video off.
He turned the video back on. His eyes are red.
“Rocky came up with a plan. We’re gonna orbit Tau Ceti – E to get an Astercide sample, and work from there to figure out why it isn’t eating the star here.”
The next video was extremely short.
Ryland Grace and Rocky in the Mental Health Room.
“Thank yoooooouuuuuu Eva Stratt!” Ryland said gleefully as he stood in front of the image of a beach.
“Thank you Eva Stratt.” Rocky dutifully repeated.
“She pirated the entirety of human knowledge!”
“Amaze amaze amaze.”
“I only know anything because of it! The mission only continues because her-”
Stratt skipped the video. The captain silently stared out the window as the wipers swiped back and forth.
The next one was short too.
“Tau Ceti – E is a boring name for a planet.” Grace said into the camera. “Is anyone attached to that name specifically? Rocky was the first one there.” He picked up his translation laptop and played a long series of musical notes. “He let me pick the human name for it. Adrian. His mate’s name!”
She was mentally sorting through her remaining connections. Although if they do find a solution and release these videos she doubts anyone would refuse his requests so far.
The next one was Rocky talking this time. Talking about an insane plan of a long chain, Ryland on the hull and piloting, and fishing.
“What think, Earth?”
She thought it was the dumbest thing she’s ever heard, but she had no right to complain.
She’s the one who hadn’t thought of a collector, she’s the one who sent Marilyn Grace to space only for her son to survive them all, she’s the one whose this baby’s blood is on her hands.
Rocky impatiently tapped the barrier. “Hello?!”
“They can’t hear you.” Ryland spoke up off screen.
“What?”
“We’re not actually talking to Earth. Earth’s too far away.” Ryland explained, moving stuff around, “We just record these messages and we tell ’em what we’ve learned, and then when we’re done, we’ll send them all back in a probe.”
“Why not you tell them yourself when you return home, question?”
“Yeah. This...this is it for me Rocky.”
Stratt held her breath. She didn’t know what she was hoping for. For Rocky to never know and happily live with the assumption this little boy got to go home? That he finally felt his star’s light on his skin, touched grass, ate greasy diner food? Or did she hope Rocky would find out and berate her? Blame her for this child’s suffering?
“What?”
“We had enough Astercide to get here but not enough to get back.”
‘We’ he says, like he wasn’t the most heavy unforeseen consequence she’ll have to bear.
“So, what happens to Grace, question?” Rocky says. They’ve both forgotten that the video was still rolling.
Stratt can’t tell if his casual attitude was forced, or he genuinely saw nothing wrong with his death.
“So Grace die, question?” Rocky asked, the text to speech getting emotional. She wasn’t sure if it was something Ryland programmed himself, or came built in, but it was doing extremely unhealthy things to her heart.
“Yeah, once we’re done, I’m...I’m gonna join Mama.”
She looked over to the captain. He was staring straight ahead. His posture as stiff as a board.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Rocky asked firmly. Ryland opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. “No. Grace say Grace go home. You never corrected when I said you’d get to climb trees and swim and see fog and walk in big cities when you went home.”
Ryland tried to talk, tried to make him understand.
“Mama and everyone were willing to die for Earth! And they’re not here so I have to now! If I can save Earth then it’s made all the nights I curled up in Mama’s limp arms worth it! Then it’s made the silence and loneliness and being never meant to be here worth it! A-And I got to do amazing things too! I met you, we renamed a whole planet, we’re gonna save our stars. I’m good. I promise, Rocky.”
Stratt...can’t even begin to process that. Most of what she’s seeing she’s not going to be able to process until years down the line. And she’s only hearing it. She tries to imagine that for herself for a moment, and it’s too big. She turns to the captain instead, just to have a break from her own emotions.
His body hasn’t moved, but his head is hung low. She can see he’s crying.
“Need words.”
“W-what words do you need?”
“To...be so scared, but do it anyway. To be caring and gentle and helpful. Need more, but don’t have words describe them.”
Ryland added brave and kind to the computer.
“Grace is- bravest, most kind human in the universe. Earth would be lucky to have him.”
“Ah, are you joking? Since I’m the only human you’ve met?”
“No!”
Ryland flinched back.
“Bravest, kindest human. Earth would would be better with you on it.”
And Ryland, turned away. “Thank you.”
He’s never had to learn how to accept a compliment.
Rocky seemed to realize something.
“How much astercide do you need, question?”
Ryland sighed as he sunk down against the wall.
“Two million kilograms.”
Rocky was doing quick math in this head and on his fingers.
“I can give.”
Stratt gasped. The captain whipped around and was beside her in two steps. They both stared at the screen.
Hope. Please.
“I can give. I have extra. Can give that much and still have plenty for my return trip to Erid. You can have.”
Ryland at first tries to deny it. To prove he can’t actually have it. He’s trying not to get his hopes up.
Stratt and the captain would have enough for him.
“Rocky watched crew die. Could not fix. Grace say Grace will die. Rocky fix.”
Ryland started to noisily sob.
“Grace go home.”
He could only cry. It sounded like it was reverberating inside his chest. It sounded a decade old, it sounded like it spent his entire life building up.
“Oh, Grace.” Rocky cooed. Ryland practically collapsed onto him, his arms desperately trying to hug him.
“Thank you! Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou.”
“What is this action, question?”
“It’s a hug.” Ryland replied. “I’ve always wanted to do it, but you can’t-you can’t do it by yourself.”
“Understand.” Rocky said before he fell into the side of his ball Ryland was hugging. “Honored I am your first hug.”
“Me too.”
The next video was Ryland and Rocky standing in front of the airlock. Six corpses laid in front of them.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to do this before.” Ryland said, looking up at the camera on the wall. He was wearing his mother’s flight suit again. “I hope their families can forgive me. I just...I just needed to not to be alone.”
Rocky let out a sharp noise. “Grace be nice to Grace.”
Stratt likes to think she’s destroyed all sentimentality she’s capable of. Even she would hardly begrudge him, when his only caregivers were robots and his only company were either comatose or dead.
Ryland dragged the first storage container towards the first corpse.
“Commander Yáo Li-Jie.” He began. He stood straight, trying to make himself look bigger and commanding, but only served to show he was child playing dress up. “We’ve never officially met before, but I knew you were smart and strong and brave. I hope you don’t mind that I looked through your pictures. Everyone on Earth says you were stoic and quiet, but in every one of these you’re making a funny face.”
Ryland sniffled.
“Sometimes when I got scared by the movies or had a nightmare I’d pretend you’d scare them away.” He whispered. “I hope the family you have on Earth is very proud of you.”
Rocky began to hum lowly.
The other crew members of the ship had begun to wander into the ship bridge again, but the captain remained beside her. He took off his hat and was holding it to his chest.
Ryland was gently moving the body onto what looked like a sked stretcher, but assuming it’s made of xenonite. He put Commander Yáo’s photos and what looked like a bucket hat inside. He pulled the makeshift stretcher across the threshold, let the feet rest of the edge, went back into the ship, and carefully lifted the feet until all of Yáo was inside the air lock.
“Do you think it be...disrespectful to put his bucket hat on?” Ryland asked as he sniffled, thumb brushing over the embroidery.
Rocky shook his entire body, but did not stop humming.
Ryland decided against it in the end, and commended his body to the stars with his pictures and bucket hat in his arms.
“Second-in-Command Yevgeniy Chaykovsky.” Ryland declared next. “You…nobody knows that much about you. People had a lot to say about you, but no one knew that much about you. I think you made yourself into whatever people needed you to be. Fun when people needed fun, serious and stoic in the face of panic. It’s a really cool skill. I wish you would’ve been here to teach me. In the press briefings you were always the one talking, and teaching. Wikipedia never mentioned you having family and I didn’t see anyone else in your pictures, but I hope that’s because you’re cool and mysterious instead of lonely.”
Like me, went unsaid.
He did the same for the second-in-command. Lift, air lock, commencement.
“First Engineer Olesya Ilyukhina. You were...legendary.” Ryland finally whispered. “You were always the coolest person in any room you walked into.”
He rifled through the pictures for a minute. “This picture of you sneaking into the Kremlin is incredible. I wish I could be even half as fearless as you were.”
He commended her body.
He turned to face the next body. Ryland Grace had his mother’s nose.
Rocky finally stopped his hum. “Grace. Do parent last.”
“I s-should do it order.”
“No. Earth should understand. Rocky understand.”
Ryland stared at her for a long moment. “Okay.” he relented. He sounded relieved.
“Good. Good good good.” Rocky stated before going back to his song.
Ryland continued.
“First Science Officer Martin DuBois. I read your papers probably hundreds of times. You wrote about so many cool things. Sometimes I think your papers were the only thing keeping me sane before I got to Tau Ceti.” Ryland started pulling out a book from DuBois’ storage. “Because of Rocky I’m going home. I think I wanna get a PhD, or multiple, like you! When I write my thesis I promise I’ll credit you.”
He didn’t send him off right away.
“Second Science Officer Annie Shapiro, you are a huge inspiration to me as well. You both helped me more than you’d ever know. Science isn’t some scary thing I have to know just so we can save our sun, it can be cool and fascinating and life changing.” Ryland breathed for a minute. “Maybe DNA splicing will save the world Dr. Shapiro.”
In the end Ryland was able to make the two hold hands. Rocky stopped his song to ask him why he was sending them off together.
“Apparently they liked to do gross, grown up things together.” He quickly turned to the camera. “I know what sex is, I’m a biology enthusiast and I still know stuff, but it’s gross and I don’t wanna think about it.”
Eva Stratt was forcibly reminded that she is human person, existing on earth, and not just an empty vessel watching this funeral service when someone snort-laughs behind her.
She still couldn’t tell him off. Of all the horrors their child of the Hail Mary has and will face, and human sexuality was the one he’ll refuse to acknowledge?
And finally, he turned to the final corpse.
“Second Engineer Mam-Marilyn Grace.”
He finally broke down into noisy sobs.
Ryland collapsed onto his knees and desperately curled up against her side. He reached over and pulled her arms until they were wrapped around him. For several long moments he could only wail onto her shoulder.
Rocky rolled up behind him, his humming taking on a more frantic edge.
“I hope you would’ve liked me, Mama. I hope you would’ve been proud of me.” Ryland paused to take a huge breath. “I hoped you would’ve hugged me and kissed me and be the one who taught me everything I know but-” He manipulated one of her arms again until the hand was tangled in his hair. “I saw in the wikipedia article that you wanted your dying wish to be the generation of kids after the Astrocide crisis be named in your honor.”
No one said a word. Not Ryland or Rocky, nor anyone watching these logs billions of kilometers and a decade ago away.
“Thank you for bringing me into this universe, Mama. I promise, Rocky and I will fix it. There will be the Grace Generation after all. And now I’ll get to live to see it!”
No one on the boat dared to speak after that. They silently watched Ryland extract himself from his mother’s arms, one last time, strapped her into the sled, dragged her to the airlock, and commended her to the stars too.
Finally, after all of that, he stared into the ship for one two seconds and started to sob.
Rocky frantically rolled over to his side, and Ryland didn’t waste a second wrapping his arms around the ball.
The cries were so deep Stratt was afraid he’d suffocate himself. That he’ll break his ribcage open and all the bravery this young boy had would come spilling out and he’d be left hollow.
“Mary, turn video off.” Rocky loudly said, before turning and making a soft, soothing noise at Ryland.
“Turning video off.”
The next log began.
“H-hey. Turns out I hate fishing.”
Ryland’s left eye and temple were bruised and swollen, gauze almost bled through. His eyes were red from crying. His entire left arm was wrapped in bandages.
“I’m not sure what to do.” He whispered. “I’m sorry Earth, I’m sorry Mama, but I’m so scared.”
The confession felt like claws around Eva Stratt’s neck.
“He had to breakout of his atmosphere to save me, and now he might die because of me. And I’ve done everything I can think of. I got him back in there. I got a heat lamp. I was going to try and get that soot off him but I’m too scared to make everything worse.”
Ryland brought his knees to his chest and started to cry again.
“His last message to me was ‘Save Earth Save Erid’. So I’m trying to. I found the predator -”
Ryland’s next words were cut off by the cheers of the crew. Stratt felt like she was going deaf with the joyous sobbing, hooting, and hollering around her.
There was more. She knew it. Ryland was a scientist. What he lacked in the formal training he made up for in passion, adaptability, and eagerness.
“I’m calling it Taumoeba. Until Rocky can wake up and tell me how terrible that name is. But it’s elegance to it. It’s simple and accessible. I’m writing my first scientific paper about it and everything. A-and about Rocky and the Eridians.”
A deep breath.
“I was testing it at different atmospheric conditions because it has to work, and turns out it dies whenever nitrogen is introduced. But don’t worry! I was rereading Dr. Shapiro’s paper and was thinking about DNA, and then I was thinking about evolution, which made me think of diseases that evolve to resist antibiotics!”
A strangled laugh. I used Rocky’s xenonite breeder tanks too, and now we’re so close the being able to breed the right strain to save Earth and Erid!”
The grin quickly fell off his face.
“Now Rocky just has to wake up. He has to take his portion to Erid, because I don’t know how to.”
Eva Stratt has waited decades for this moment. Why does it feel so hollow?
An amoeba that can eat astercide. The answer had just been told to her, she was going to review Ryland’s research, she was going to have the best scientists around the world recreate his results.
Why doesn’t it feel complete?
Because she believed in him. God, did she wish she didn’t have to, but she does. And he’s not celebrating yet, so the discovery that there is a solution still hasn’t hit her yet.
“Rocky is gonna be mad at me. I didn’t listen when he told me to get inside. It’s fine because I’m mad at him too. He’s not here to give me permission to sleep.” Ryland sniffled again. “He came crashing into my life and now I’m too scared and lonely and small to do this by myself anymore. And I can’t even regret meeting him.”
“Three hours has passed, Ryland Grace.”
“Thank you, Mary.”
“You’re welcome, Ryland Grace.”
“I have to check the cultures.”
And with that the video ends.
There was murmuring all around her. Likely wondering why she hasn’t reacted yet. Why she is so slow to act now when Earth’s survival was right at their fingertips.
She checked the files quickly. Two more logs, several PDFs, and what looked like Ryland’s jerry-rigged translation software.
“We will see it through until the end.” She said, firmly. It left no room for argument. She started the next log.
“Helloooo Earth!”
“Hello Erid!”
Ryland was smiling the biggest they’ve even seen him, as he rested his upper body on Rocky’s ball. The ball that had a very much alive Rocky inside. They were in the Mental Health Room with the screens showing fireworks.
Ryland was wearing his mother’s white jumpsuit, and a party hat. The bandage and swelling on his left side were gone, that side still held some nasty looking bruising. Rocky also seemed to be dressed up as the wind chime like jewelry jingled. Ryland must’ve made him that ‘Savior of the Universe’ hat.
“This message is for the success of the Project Hail Mary, and the Eridian Mission! Earth and Erid is going to live!” Ryland was saying as he slid off Rocky’s ball and picked something up. “Meet the Taumoeba 82.5! It is Astercide’s natural predator and specifically bred to live in the atmosphere of the planet we call Venus and the planet Eridians call third planet.”
Rocky seemed to be translating as Ryland spoke.
And finally, finally, Eva Stratt broke. The tears were silent as they rolled down her face, but it felt like her very soul was shrieking with how overwhelmed she was. The noose around her neck loosened, and she could breathe for the first time in decades. It was a terrible thing for this child’s suffering to be worth the Taumoeba, but she couldn’t help but feel pathetically glad he was up there after all. Maybe she was as terrible as everyone said she was.
“For the sake for friendship and future collaboration I gave Rocky one of out Earth thinking machines. It has the entirety of human knowledge on it, with all the science, entertainment, history, and just plain junk on there. This machine is how you’ll be watching this video!”
Normally she would balk at the foolish naivety of giving an alien all the tools needed to destroy them, but she was too happy to care in this moment. Maybe she will tomorrow, but in this moment she believed in Ryland Grace.
‘Hail Mary, full of grace’ was her secret good luck charm for years. A small, weak, human thing she wouldn’t admit to even under torture. She had liked Grace. The Hail Mary was better with her inside it.
And now her son was their saving grace.
Mary did you know what your baby boy will someday save our sons and daughters?
“Erid should be proud in the knowledge Rocky represented his species well. I could not have asked for a smarter, perceptive, resourceful, bossy being to save two worlds with.”
Rocky didn’t translate that. He said a few notes, repeated three times. He dipped his body for a second and Ryland immediately went to his translator device. After it was turned back on, Rocky finally spoke.
“Rocky…” He stopped. She could see what he was thinking. But the Hail Mary never had the space to wish things were different. “Grace good good good human. Deserves all good things on Earth.”
That animals instinct of being watched sent a shiver down her spine.
“Earth will love Grace.” Rocky said, and she felt him staring at her. “Will never be lonely again. Earn many degrees and everyone will want to show Grace all the things Grace never experienced. Will have many things, things that belong to Grace. Will climb tree and fall, and Grace family will be there to kiss injury better.”
She sharply pulled out her tablet and started searching for Grace’s remaining family. They had a lot to be caught up on before Ryland gets home.
He stared at Rocky for a moment, visibly deciding whether it was even worth correcting him about it usually being a thing for smaller children, before letting it go.
It made sense. He viewed having a bedtime as permission to rest, he deserved to have as much fussing as he wants.
“And now we’re going home!” Ryland announced. “And we can’t wait to see all of you!”
The video ends. Whatever Ryland’s and Rocky’s goodbye ended up being, they will never be privy to.
The last log begins
“There’s a leak.” Ryland said breathlessly. He sat on a storage bin, still wearing his duct taped EVA suit. The bags under his eyes showed his exhaustion. “The problem is the xenonite. The Taumoeba can get through it, probably because we bred it in xenonite breeder tanks. It evolved to escape it.”
Stratt felt her heart sink.
“I was able to stop the leak before it ate all the astercide on the ship.”
For a brief moment she felt relief.
“Rocky’s ship is made of xenonite. The Taumoeba will already be in his fuel lines and he won’t be able to find the leak because the leak is the ship itself. He’ll be without any fuel. Stranded. His life support systems will fail. And if that doesn’t kill him the radiation sickness will. He’s looking at a long, slow, painful death. Alone.”
And Stratt already knew what he did before he even said it. They are seeing this, so she already knew what he did. If he was coming home why would he even tell them that Rocky was in danger?
“I can’t do both. I can go home, or I can save Rocky.” Ryland took a deep, shaky breath. “I promise I wanted to see Earth. I wanted to be a human being on the planet Earth. I never met any of you, but I love you very much. I wanted to do and see and experience everything that made Mama and the crew decide it was worth dying for. What I was dying for. I wanted to say hi to the people in the pictures that Mama kept.”
Ryland had wanted to send Grace off with her photos too, but Rocky was able to convince him they were his too. His family, his inheritance.
Just images of people he’d never get to meet or see or touch.
“Rocky is my family now. I have to save him. I have to save his home. I sent detailed logs and papers with all of our findings and enough Taumoeba to start your own Taumoeba farm.”
Ryland sighed.
“Will- will you say hello to Mama’s remaining family for me? That even through I’ve never met them, I love them very much. I hope I did them proud.”
And as the world’s whipping boy she will be the one to tell them won’t she? She will have to be the one to tell a woman who had already lost her daughter that she has another grandchild, but she will never get to hold him.
“T-this is dumb, but…I included some drawings. I always wanted...I always wanted someone to hang them up on a fridge. Can someone do that, please? I know it’s silly-”
Stratt looked behind the laptop to look at the folder that had been sitting there. It was full to the brim with a child’s artwork. This child’s artwork.
Most of the pages were yellowing. There were no crayons on the Hail Mary, so they were all clumsy pictures with black and red pen marks. Some showed space. Others were the medical robot. There was one where Ryland drew his still comatose mother holding him. One of the pilot room. Most were a happier universe where they all woke up and were a happy little family. Commander Yáo punching a scary monster. Second Officer Chaykovsky reading to a Ryland sat on his lap. Ilyukhina frozen in a moment of dance, movement lines all around her. Dr. DuBois and Dr. Shapiro in front of a chalkboard and Ryland in a stereotypical American school desk. Or Dr. DuBois and Dr. Shapiro holding hands.
His mother, awake, holding him. He’s always small enough to be held in these drawings.
“I hope this all makes sense. If not, well you guys are smarter than an 11-year-old with no scientific training. You’ll figure it out.” Ryland sighed. “This is Captain Ryland Grace, son of Second Engineer Marilyn Grace, and last crew member of the Hail Mary signing off. As the Eridians say:”
He rubbed his fisted up hand over his forearm. Unthinkingly, everyone in the room does the same.
Stratt reached over to the military telephone beside her and only said, “Let’s begin.”, before hanging up. She then pulled out another phone before making more calls.
No one on the ship saw her for the rest of the day.
What no one warned me about when I got into Discworld is that Terry Pratchett would completely ruin all my future footnote experiences. Now, whenever I read a book (even if it is an academic text!!) and see a superscripted number, my monkey brain makes my eyes drop to the bottom of the page asap, expecting a funny, poignant, memorable, and potentially life-altering little treat, and instead I get hit every time with the soul-crushing disappointment of McFarthy, G. et al. (1997)
#Helios was declawed by his former owners so he doesn't just slap things he dislikes like most cats#he really only feels confident in hissing at them#Especially because a lot of the thing he doesn't like are bugs and those are sharp sometimes :(#Selene has figured this out and now when she hears him hiss she sprints over the kill the fuck out of the bug#Helios has learned she will do this so he'll hiss at stuff louder and louder until she hears him#A nervous old man and his emotional support homicidal maniac
tags by @gallusrostromegalus
I couldn't reblog without the tags because the context is hilarious
A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)
Yes, he is more than twice her size.
Yes, he is five times her age.
Yes, he cries like a big baby until she kills Unacceptable Scary Things (earwigs) for him.
There are some PHM fics where Eridians mistakenly think Grace is a pebble because of his age which got me thinking: what if there's an AU where Grace is genuinely a kid during the events of the book/movie?
What if the rate the astrophage dims the sun is slower than cannon so Project Hail Mary has time to add more food and breed enough astrophage so that the suicide trip becomes a really long round trip. Added bonus of more advanced tech for a variety of more situations.
What if one of the astronauts on the original Hail Mary crew is unknowingly pregnant when they all blast off into space? Everyone enters their comas none the wiser. For the next nine months, the little baby grows with Armando doing its best to care for this unexpected development. It doesn't wake anyone because the astronauts are all supposed to stay asleep until they reach their destination, so it delivers the baby and does everything it can to care for him as he grows into a toddler. The Hail Mary plays him TV shows for babies and toddlers that teach alphabets and words from the stuff Stratt pirated to try to keep him occupied. The child slowly starts to learn to talk to the Hail Mary, asking questions like who are these people ("She my mama? What's mama, Mary?") and why aren't they waking up, getting answers he sometimes doesn't understand. The Hail Mary doesn't have a name for the child, so he picks Ryland from a TV show and Grace from his mother. He often curls up on the bed beside her, wrapping her limp arm around him to pretend that she's giving him a hug like on the TV shows.
Meanwhile, the coma systems start to fail one by one as Grace grows up. He doesn't understand why Armando starts taking away the sleeping people (sealing them in their pods). Scared that his mama will be taken next, Little Grace tries to learn about the coma machines and why they aren't working. He asks Mary to help him learn, so the ship directs him to kindergarten and 1st grade level science materials on the laptops. Grace feverishly pours over everything he can, but his mother, the last astronaut, dies before he can even get a solid grasp on the basics. Devastated at her loss and the fact that he's now alone, Grace throws himself into learning everything he can so that something like this will never happen again. He'll know everything there is to know and maybe he can fix what went wrong.
Time passes and Grace soaks up everything like a sponge. At some point the crushing failure tainting his education journey lessens and he starts to really enjoy learning new things (especially since there isn't really much else to do). As both his body and mind grows he comes across scientific journals discussing astrophage which leads to him discovering the astrophage crisis. Cue a deep dive into what the internet had on Project Hail Mary up until launch. Grace learns who his mama and the astronauts were and why they were all in a ship in space. He wonders why there's no mention of him, though. He decides that since his mama can no longer solve the astrophage problem, he will instead. He declares as much to the pods holding his dead crew, promising that he'll fix it.
With renewed enthusiasm, Grace throws himself into building his understanding of the universe to greater heights. Math, science, physics, biology (oh, so that's where he came from! Ew) chemistry, history, language, programming, everything he can get his hands on. He studies like the world depends on it ('cause it does) as the clock counts down to his arrival at their destination. Grace makes sure to know every inch of his home the Hail Mary inside and out so he knows what everything is, how it works, and what exactly he's working with. This leads to him discovering what he eventually dubs the "don't go crazy room" where he can experience scenes from Earth in a much more immersive way. Sometimes he'll load up a video of a classroom and pretend to teach everything he's learning to the other kids on the screen. Not only does it help him retain the knowledge, it also makes him feel like he's making a human connection, at least for a little while. His love for Earth grows and adds to the physical ache of loneliness in his chest. He wonders how he can miss a place so much that he's never even physically been.
The years pass (Tau Ceti is not the destination, I want Grace to grow up a little before he meets Rocky so they're heading a bit farther out. Again, the astrophage isn't dimming the sun as quickly in this AU, so Earth has some time to spare) and Grace has absolutely devoured everything the laptops have on science and other subjects, becoming a child prodigy in the process (not that he knows that). He finds and corrects the error in the feeding tubes for the coma system, feeling both elated at the solved mystery and depressed that it was too little, too late. The Hail Mary arrives at its destination and he experiences zero gravity for the first time (he feels sick at first but grows to like it). Excited to finally start solving the problem that is his entire reason for existing, Grace fires up the Petrova Scope and quickly notices Rocky's ship. When he realizes that there's another intelligent person in this solar system he gets super excited to actually try to communicate with his first real person EVER.
Events progress until they're finally face to face. Grace is hyped, nervous, enthusiastic, and in general a little overwhelmed at his first real conversation with a real person. Rocky, in the meantime, is starting to get suspicious about how hyperactive and giggly this small alien is. He acts more like a pebble than an adult. It isn't until they've established numbers, a bunch of common words, and Grace proudly showing him his math of his calculated age that Rocky realizes that this alien is, in fact, an actual child and is completely alone with only the corpses of his crew and his parent for company. Horrified, Rocky decides that he'll have to watch over this strange child since there's no one else to do it. When he offers to watch Grace sleep, Grace gets excited at his first sleepover with his first friend. He runs back to the Hail Mary to get his bedding and makes a very quick video log to gush about it.
Grace and Rocky continue to collaborate their information, making a solid plan to go to the planet in the system with the Petrova line and find out why it isn't eating the star. Rocky is impressed with Grace's expansive knowledge, especially when he's able to figure out what killed Rocky's crew and explain relativity to him. He feels hopefull that with Grace's advanced scientific knowledge and Rocky's own engineering prowess, the two of them together can save their respective stars. He needs a better way to keep an eye on this kid, though.
Grace is ecstatic when Rocky moves in and happily shows him his favorite videos of earth. He answers Rocky's questions to the best of his ability, but he is saddened by the reminder that he only knows facts and has never experienced Earth for himself. He doesn't know what its like to swim, he's never touched a tree let alone climbed one, he's never seen any of the animals on these videos, and he's never walked the streets of a big Earth city. Rocky, in an effort to cheer up this sad little pebble, shares stories about Erid and what life is like there. Grace soaks it all up eagerly, asking what his family is like and what is it like to have living relatives (Rocky's hearts can't catch a break with this adorable walking tragedy). The two grow close, bonding over lost loved ones and dead crewmates. Rocky asks why Grace has kept their bodies aboard the Hail Mary. Grace admits that he talks to them sometimes so he doesn't feel so alone, but he's always wanted to give them proper funerals. Rocky helps him research what to do and gives him the emotional courage he needs to finally say goodbye after all these years. One by one they commend the bodies of the astronauts to the stars until his mother is the only one left. Grace tearfully thanks his mama for bringing him into the universe, promises to her that he will solve the astrophage problem, and shakily gasps out his goodbyes before commending her to the stars. Once her body is gone, he collapses to the floor, sobs wracking his body. Rocky settles down next to him, huddling as close as he can while Grace reaches his little arms as far as he can around his xenonite ball and cries himself to sleep. Rocky makes sure to remind his little alien friend to take care of himself when he wakes up, nudging him to go eat and hydrate. He's Grace's emotional rock. The two become even closer, looking out for each other and supporting each other. Rocky does his best to help in whatever way he can.
Grace finds life in the samples they collect at Adrian, kick starting their plan to capture astrophage's predator. It goes just as catastrophically as it does in the book/movie, with Rocky not wasting a single second before bursting out of his atmosphere and into Grace's to save his motionless little pebble. Grace wakes up after receiving medical treatment from Armando and nearly hyperventilates himself into a panic attack at Rocky's condition, the fear of losing his only friend overwhelming his tiny body. He promises to watch Rocky sleep before he falls apart, pressed against the xenonite as tightly as possible. He's not ready to say goodbye, he's not.
Grace works to study the predator samples they collected in order to distract himself. The moment he realizes that the answer to the astrophage crisis- the entire reason his mama and the crew died in space, his reason for existing- is right there in front of him, he has a small meltdown before feverishly working to make sure this amoeba could survive in a partially nitrogen atmosphere. Rocky wakes up to a massive hug from Grace and the solution to their problems. The two celebrate, giving each other gifts before realizing that it is time to part ways. Rocky is reluctant to leave his pebble and Grace doesn't want to go back to being alone. They both, however, know they need to go back to their planets. With heavy hearts they say goodbye and part ways. Neither are okay.
A little while later, Grace awakens to the alarms that there's a leak. He quickly deals with the escaped Amoeba, realizing that Rocky is going to be stranded in space if he doesn't do something. He makes the decision to turn back for Rocky immediately, surprising himself with how easy it is to give up on going to Earth. He thinks he understands the phrase, "home is where the heart is" a lot better now. Grace stuffs the beetles with Amoeba and everything he's learned about it, as well as a few personal vlogs that explain who he is, details everything that happened aboard the Hail Mary, and declaring what he's going to do next. With that, he launches the beetles and turns back for Rocky. He's sad to leave Earth behind, but excited to be heading towards the person he loves. Soon enough, he finds the Blip-A and reunites with Rocky.
The two head to Erid aboard the Hail Mary. Rocky officially adopts Grace as his own pebble much to Grace's delight and many tears. Rocky watches as Grace begins to grow up over the years they spend on their way to Erid. It's definitely a learning curve for both of them (puberty, yikes). Grace is a teenager by the time they arrive.
Adrian is very quickly charmed by this gangly, clumsy pebble tripping over his two feet with strange voice cracks sometimes changing his pitch when he speaks. They and Rocky both do their best to raise the little alien into a fine young man. All of Erid officially claims Grace as an Eridian and looks out for him. A therapist visits him twice a week to help him work through his trauma. Grace, meanwhile, is really enjoying teaching everything he knows to classes of little pebbles, running lots of experiments in his lab in his biodome, and slowly healing while surrounding himself with his new family members. He's home.
Meanwhile on the Earth, the beetles make their way back home. Humanity eagerly looks forward to the knowledge the astronauts sent back, hoping for a solution to their eminent extinction. The first video reveals an unknown child dressed in ill-fitting clothes aboard the Hail Mary. Humanity is first shocked and then horrified as this child solemnly reports the deaths of the original crew and the circumstances for his own presence on the ship. A child born in space outside of their solar system, raised in isolation, and yet functional enough to study and learn until he was able to send back the thing that would save a whole world he had never even seen with his own eyes. A child who spearheaded the first intergalactic collaboration and sent back knowledge on their neighbors in the 40-Eridani system. A child who, with tears in his eyes, informed humanity that as much as he longed to see the planet he came from and meet the people of Earth, Rocky was family and he would be taking him home to Erid. A child who asked if his hello could be passed on to any living relative of his mother and father. A child who had tucked away a few of his drawings into the beetles and asked if someone could hang them on a fridge somewhere, that would be nice, thanks.
Copies of the pictures are made and sent to every space agency on the planet for them to hang up on their fridges while the originals are delivered to the remaining family of Ryland Grace's mother. More and more copies are made until almost every family on the planet have one on their fridge. The Amoeba is sent off to Venus and the sun begins to brighten once more.
And Humanity comes together once again to launch a second interstellar mission with the intent to travel to the 40-Eridani system and bring messages and pieces of Earth to Ryland Grace, Child of the Hail Mary.
Pilot dropped his water bottle underneath the console and it got stuck behind the peddles; They were talking to maintenance and asking them for a giant stick to try and poke it out from under there because obviously, that's a HUGE safety hazard. I finally bullied my way into the cockpit insisting I was small enough to try and just grab it and managed to wiggle under and get it in like 5 seconds flat.
They looked at me in pure awe. I have never felt more powerful.
Hey, we’re in line for some absurd temperatures here in the southwest this week. This is very important to know and keep in mind. Be safe, stay hydrated, stay out of the sun as much as you can.
Additional you can also put them on your palms, also, make sure to always use a light towel or kitchen paper and don’t put the ice bags directly onto your skin!
*walks up to gay couple* So which of you is the taciturn one who's a lot smarter than they pretend to be and which of you is the talkative one who uses big words incorrectly?
one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbling on some bread is better than starving.
DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.
One of my college professors used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” I didn’t understand that for years because I didn’t do anything poorly, I couldn’t do anything poorly, I had to Do Everything Perfectly.
But brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them at all when that 2 minutes seems exhausting. Doing ten minutes of yoga is better than 10 minutes of sitting when 30 minutes of cardio sounds impossible. Changing my clothes is good when a whole shower is impossible. Standing on the porch for a few minutes is worth it after being in the house for three straight days because I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.
You must understand that perfectionism isn’t striving for excellence, it’s a crippling fear of being flawed and therefore worth abandonment or punishment. It’s a kind of psychological avoidance. You’re avoiding fear and failure , not embracing the thing you want to do bc if it was about the thing you want to do you’d be fine with partial victory.
I once signed up to participate in a study on how depression affects memory, forgot I was meant to go do it, and when I emailed to apologise to the PhD student running it she basically told me that a) she was very used to this happening and b) the weird irony of her theories’ correctness making it very difficult to arrange proving them had by now gone from infuriating to hysterical
I went to the Grand Canyon when I was depressed and I literally forgot the whole thing. Like, the only reason I even know I was there is that I have photographs of myself standing in front of the Grand Canyon with dead eyes but i have absolutely no memory of it
People talk about depression like it’s just being sad all the time but straight up your brain stops working and sadness is just one of the many, many consequences of that
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
vaporwave
theartofmadeline
tangentwithtanner
dededos
kianamaiart
baratheonpilled
