That was June and now it’s October
I know it's been a minute since you walked right through that door
But I still think about you all the time
It had been months since Merlin had seen Arthur, three to be exact but that didn’t stop him from thinking about him almost constantly. They had gone from best friends to lovers then to not speaking at all and Merlin wasn’t sure what had caused it.
The last time he seen Arthur he had been joking about Merlin managing to be late to his own funeral (or party as it were), shouting goodbye before stopping to kiss Merlin breathless and wink. After that Merlin had continued on with his day eventually being late through no fault of his own.
He was greeted by Gwaine first, hugging him, pushing a beer into his hand and toasting him before he looked around at his friends. Pausing slightly he huffed and muttered the word prat under his breath.
“He had a cheek to tell me I would be late and he’s not here yet, you send him to pick up more booze before he got here?”
If Merlin hadn’t been watching closely he wouldn’t have seen the wince Gwaine tried to hide from or the frantic look he shot at Leon. He tried to fight the realisation that was dawning on him, he mimicked Gwaine and looked at Leon with a pleading look.
“Sorry, mate he’s not here yet but I’m sure that somethings just stopped him momentarily. He’ll be here soon, don’t worry the boy’s arse over tits for you, he wouldn’t miss this. Knowing him, he’s probably worrying about your gift.”
Nodding Merlin tried to let Leon’s words have the effect they were intended to have, he managed a weak smile before downing his beer and going to greet the rest of his friends. He tried to put it to the back of his mind but by the time he had spoken to everyone and had had a couple of more beers an hour had past. He snuck into Gwaine’s room to clear his head from the music that was flooding the flat. Pulling his phone out of the tight jeans he had put on after remembering the reaction they had got from Arthur he decided to text him.
“Hey, are you going to be long? I think Gwaine was mentioning shots and some club in Soho he’s been to? Love you xxx”
Merlin’s phone told him it was sent but not delivered, shaking he hit the call button and pulled the phone towards his ear. It rang once before he heard the message, he hung up and tried again and again when it happened. Trying to keep himself calm, he poked his head out the door and seen Lance before dragging him into the room. He quickly put his finger to his mouth when Lance went to make a noise.
“Shh, do you have your phone on you? Mine doesn’t seem to be working and I’m trying to get Arthur.” Merlin was starting to regret being talked into pre gaming before he came.
Lance pulled his phone out and quickly dialed Arthur, waiting for him to answer he looked at Merlin who was starting to look a little worse for wear.
“Arthur! Where are you? Did you forget that we decided on Gwaine and Leon’s place?... Huh? That’s not funny Arthur, where are you?... You’re boyfriends already had a little too much and is missing you, you better get here soon... What?... Arthur, what are you talking about?... Arthur I don’t know what you’re playing at but if you want to say that to him, you can tell him yourself! … You’re going to regret this in the morning Arthur and when you do I’ll not be helping you”.
Merlin listened getting more and more despondent as the call went on, by the time Lance hung up he was in tears. He must’ve been too loud as the door opened to reveal Percy who took one look at Merlin crying on Gwaine’s bed and Lance standing there and let out what could only be described as a growl.
Lance sat beside Merlin tucking him into his neck and haltingly went through his phone call with Arthur. By the end of the explanation Percy looked like he wanted to kill someone, he walked out muttering and then came back with Gwaine, Leon and Elyan. Gwaine took Merlin from Lance’s arms and folded Merlin into him, gently shushing him. Merlin calmed as he felt his friends arms come around him, he looked up at them and with his breath hitching between words asked.
“Why? Why would he do this? Why tonight? I just saw him earlier and everything was fine! He told me he loved me Gwaine! Why isn’t he here?”
Gwaine pulled him closer, cursing Arthur in his head as he was sure the others were as well.
“I don’t know darling, I don’t. I know he’ll end up regretting this, Leon was right earlier when he said Arthur was arse over tits for you so I can’t believe he’d want to cause you pain. We’ll get this sorted in the morning but for now I think we’d best go and call this party off.” He said the last line looking at Leon and Percy who silently slipped out of the room to go arrange it after taking the key Gwaine handed them.
Merlin didn’t remember the rest of the night, buried in his friends’ embrace he sobbed out his confusion and anger over how Arthur seemed to turn so callus toward him in only a few hours apart. He woke up tangled in the limbs of his friends, his head and heart aching and knowing that he wouldn’t be able to look his friends in the eyes this morning. Slowly he extracted himself from the tangle and on wobbly legs left the flat to go home and hopefully find his boyfriend was there with an explanation. Instead when he got back to his flat it was to a box overflowing with things he knew he had left at Arthurs. Fighting the urge to continue his sobbing from last night he pulled out his phone and sent a photo of the box to Gwaine before picking up the box and entering his flat, the sobs starting before the door was fully closed.
It's been me, myself and why did you go, did you go? Oh
Arthur completely ghosted him. Merlin found out the reason he couldn’t call him was because Arthur had blocked him on everything. He tried for the first two weeks to contact him to figure out what had changed and talk about it but by the end of the first week he realised it was probably pointless. He continued for another week, their friends also still trying to get the reason for this sudden change out of Arthur with no success. The only reason Merlin stopped was because as he came out of the tube station on his way home he saw Uther waiting by a car. He would have kept walking if not for Uther calling out to him.
“Merlin! You will stop this, do you hear me? You have put Arthur through enough without trying to contact him every which way every half an hour. If you don’t stop I’ll have to take action”
He was stunned, his jaw dropped open as he stared at the older man.
“He’s been through enough?! I got dumped by him without even so much as a word let alone an explanation! Excuse me for trying to figure out why he told me he loved me and then decided that I wasn’t even worth a phone call or text to tell me that he wanted to break up! Fuck you Uther! How dare you appear as some high and mighty saviour for the son you didn’t support when he came out! I know you blamed me for that but to rub salt in the wound like this? I thought better of you, you can tell Arthur I’ll stop contacting him. Clearly when we said we loved each other, I was the only one that meant it”.
With that he shouldered past Uther, trying not to make eye contact with any of the other commuters who stopped to watch him and Uther shout at each other. He done what he had done for the past two weeks, tried to hold himself together in public before crying to Gwaine. (Gwaine just as furious at Uther and knowing Arthur wouldn’t answer his call messaged into the group chat with Arthur ranting about pompous pricks who get their daddy’s to threaten ex’s with restraining orders. Arthur as it would turn out didn’t know Uther went to see Merlin, let alone threaten him.)
I still watch the shows you showed me, I still drink that wine. But these days it tastes more bitter than sweet
Slowly Merlin stopped having to try to hold it together in public, stopped crying to Gwaine and stopped crying what felt like every night. It had been a month since his run in with Uther and Merlin’s heart felt like it was glass that had been glued back together. He and his friends were waiting on something else to go wrong.
He had been on autopilot since this morning, stumbling out of bed almost but not quiet late and barely remembered to stop in at the shop before getting home. He quickly put together dinner absentmindedly pouring himself a glass from the bottle of wine he had picked up. It wasn’t until he pressed play on his TV remote and looked down at his dinner he realised that he had made Alfredo pasta which was Arthur’s favourite or that he had put on The Good Place which Arthur had shown him. He quickly paused the TV again and put his plate on the table to take a drink of his wine. He winced as the sharpness of it hit his tongue, moving back through to the kitchen to see what one he had chosen he stumbled when he seen it. It was a wine Arthur had given him when they first started dating to expand his palate. He took a breath when there was a knock on the door, walking to it without putting down the bottle of wine. Lance was waiting on the other side and took one look at Merlin who was two seconds away from crying, the TV still paused on The Good Place and the bottle of wine in his hand and gathered him into his arms muttering a quiet fuck into Merlin’s hair.
I miss those nights when you would come over, spent all night just tryna get closer
Merlin never really got over the feeling that when Arthur left him he took part of Merlin with him. When he woke up still half asleep he would roll over still expecting Arthur to be there, in the middle of the day when his phone would ring with a text he would forget and think it was Arthur. When he was cooking dinner he would sing along listening with half an ear for a chuckle and his name said in the way only Arthur could. When he would fall asleep on the couch and his eyes would flutter awake at a sound, expecting Arthur to be crouched down in front of him ready to drag him to what was their bed.
Mostly though, Merlin just missed having Arthur in his flat. His flat felt darker and quieter without him like he had taken all the life with him. It felt lonely without him even though when he had been in Merlin’s flat he didn’t take up much space regardless of if he was sprawled over the couch or sat on the counter in the kitchen while Merlin cooked. He didn’t realise how often Arthur was in his flat until he suddenly stopped coming over. His flat didn’t feel like his anymore, after all the time they had spent in it together it felt like theirs and Merlin didn’t know how to not think of it as that.
Merlin remembers when they were on the border of friends and lovers and Arthur would come over almost every other night with a flimsy excuse for why. They would start at a reasonable distance apart on the couch if Arthur had brought take away or in the kitchen if Merlin was cooking for them. Inevitably though they would slowly fall into each other as naturally as they were breathing. Merlin would blink and suddenly Arthur’s chin was on his shoulder looking at the food as Merlin cooked or they would be pressed together from shoulder to hip on the couch with Merlin’s head almost leaning on him. Merlin had worried that he was reading into things to start with but then Arthur’s arms would come round him in the kitchen before swaying them to the radio. Or Arthur would subtly manoeuvre them so he was pressed against the back of the couch and was spooning Merlin while they watched a film. When they finally got together they somehow got closer and yet they never stopped trying to get closer. Merlin thinks he’ll always remember the feeling of Arthur holding Merlin against him as if he was trying to make space in his chest so Merlin could live there forever. Merlin doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel Arthur’s arms around him again or the warmth of his gaze and that uncertainty was both the worst and best thing about this situation.
So sorry if I say some things I mean
Gwaine had messaged him after work asking him to meet him and the rest of the group at The Whip (& Fiddle) for a drink. When he got there he went straight to the bar and ordered a vodka and cola and a round of tequila for everyone. Putting the tray on the table as he slid in the booth he noticed a half drunk pint opposite him. He didn’t have a chance to question it before everyone grabbed their shot and toasted him.
He realised why they had tried to distract him a moment later when a recognisable head of blonde hair walked out of the mens room. Quickly grabbing Gwaine’s arm in a bruising grip without moving his eyes from Arthur he let out a breathy version of Gwaine’s name to get his attention.
“Ahh, I thought we’d have more time” Gwaine muttered as he tried to peal Merlin’s hand off of his arm.
“What do you mean more time? Did you plan this? Gwaine why would you do this? I need to go!” Merlin got higher pitched as the sentence went on, realising that he was going to see Arthur for the first time in three months if he didn’t leave and soon. He didn’t think his heart could handle speaking to Arthur again after so long, it was trying to beat out of his chest to try and save itself from what Arthur may say to him. He tried to get out of the booth to flee only to find Gwaine had grabbed a hold of his collar uttering a firm no.
Arthur slid into the booth, finally looking up from his phone only to find he was staring into Merlin’s eyes which were wide with shock. Looking away he searched his friends faces which showed no signs of the same shock meaning they had planned this. Grabbing his pint he downed it, before glaring at them and attempting to leave the booth. Much like Merlin had he found his collar being pulled back and then Percy’s hand landed on his shoulder to stop any further attempts at leaving.
Merlin stared at Arthur wide eyed trying to soak up the sight of him, the months between when he had seen him last only serving to dull the memories to try and protect his heart. He felt like this was a mirage and if he moved wrong it would disappear and leave him alone with his still mending heart. He stayed like that until he heard a snort come from Arthur.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” he heard in a scathing tone Arthur had never taken with him before.
“Well excuse me for staring at the person who told me he loved me in the morning and then walked out not to be seen or heard for in months! Arthur you didn’t even tell me you wanted to break up with me after almost a year of dating! You just left without a word! I’ve been driving myself mad trying to figure out what happened.” Merlin replied red creeping up his cheeks as he worked himself up.
That earned him another snort.
“Trying to figure it out? Come on Merlin, it couldn’t have been that hard to work out or did you not want to admit it? Where is your other boyfriend anyway?” Arthur’s tone turned mocking and scornful in turns.
The rest of the group looked at each other with confused looks on their faces and then to Arthur as if he had grown another head.
“Other boyfriend? What other boyfriend Arthur? I haven’t been with anyone other than you in the last year and a half! I haven’t so much as looked at another man like that since you started flirting with me!” Merlin was trying not to shout because he didn’t want the whole pub to hear their domestic.
“You don’t have to lie Merlin, I saw you with him that day! Why would I stay with you while you made a fool of me? Especially when it was right outside my work!” Arthurs voice had started to raise and was catching the attention of the other people in the pub.
Merlin’s eyebrows were furrowed as he tried to work out what Arthur was talking about, he hadn’t been near Arthur’s work had he? Merlin face went through a couple of different emotions as he realised what happen before settling on anger.
“You prat! You absolute idiot! You’re talking about me being outside the train station aren’t you? Where I had my legs around a guy?” He paused, waiting for Arthur to nod which he did with a smug look on his face. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARTHUR? YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED ME ABOUT IT?! I WAS MEETING WILL, YOU KNOW THE BEST FRIEND I HADN’T SEEN IN SIX MONTHS? FOR FUCK SAKE, YOU GHOSTED ME ON MY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE YOU SEEN ME RUN UP AND HUG MY BEST FRIEND WHO WANTED TO SURPRISE ME BY COMING TO THE PARTY?”
Merlin wasn’t sure how to feel after that revelation apart from the anger he had responded with which was slowly dying away into a hollow feeling. He had spent three months grieving their relationship and wondering why and it had all been because Arthur seen him hug Will and didn’t bother to ask? Shaking he stood up from the booth, flung the rest of his drink at Arthur and walked out without a word.
Arthur’s face fell as he realised what had happened, scrabbling out of the booth shouting for Merlin to wait. He was stopped when one of the men at the bar moved and put his hand on his shoulder to stop him from moving. He shook the short mans hand off with a glare only to find himself stopped once again. The second man who stopped him was the same height if not taller than Percy, with dark skin, a shaved head and a beard with a goatee. His arm when he moved it to stop Arthur looked to be the size of Arthurs thigh, his grip and gaze were both steady on him and when he spoke he had an American accent.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, best case you catch up to him and he swings for you. Hell, with what he just shouted I think half this place wants to swing at you.” He paused to look over at the booth Arthur left where his friends were watching in interest but making no move to step in. “Your friends there don’t look like they would help you if that happened, they might even take a swing themselves. I think the best thing for you to do would be to go home and wait for him to contact you when and if he wants to.”
Reluctantly Arthur nodded, he turned back to the booth that held his friends and walked up to them. He didn’t know what to say to them so instead when he got to Gwaine he reached into Gwaine’s pocket grabbed an open packet of cigarettes. He put a twenty pound note on the table in front of Gwaine and walked out. He was half out the door when he heard Gwaine’s voice call out.
“That bastard! There was forty pounds worth in there! It was supposed to last me the weekend cos he’s not got more” This was quickly followed by a mix of groans and laughs.
“It’s fine Gwaine, I’ll text Robert and we can grab it on the way back to mine” Percy said before finishing his pint and standing up. “And yes Elyan we can order food to mine before you ask.” He started to walk to the door the others following, he paused as he passed the man who had spoken to Arthur and clasped his shoulder. “Thanks mate, he needed to hear that from an outsider. You weren’t wrong when you said we might swing for him, it’s been a long couple of months trying to figure out what happened”
The man chucked before responding “It’s fine, sometimes it takes that for someone to realise what they’ve done wrong. I’m sure they’ll work it out eventually, I had a couple friends who had a misunderstanding like that.” At Percy’s raised eyebrows he continued “Not exactly like that but they got over it, they got married last year.”
“From your lips mate” Gwaine interrupted and took a hold of Percy’s hand continuing the journey out of the pub.
It took six weeks and a few times where they would try to call or meet up and Merlin would have to call it off as the same rage from the pub would appear before they were able to meet up without it ending in shouting or tears from one or both of them. Other times it would be Arthur who couldn’t go through with it, his emotions and guilt swirling into a hurricane as soon as he heard Merlin. Once they were able to talk without that they were able to talk about what had happened and Arthur was able to talk about his insecurities and how they had fed into the problem.
Arthur had been hiding his insecurities and anxieties from Merlin, thinking he could handle them himself and they would go away. While Uther had come to respect their relationship and Merlin the cutting comments had already taken seed. Uther had made it clear when Arthur told him that he had started to date Merlin that he thought Arthur was experimenting and that the relationship wouldn’t last. This along with comments from one of the new employees at work had Arthur convinced that Merlin wouldn’t want to be with him for much longer. They thought because Merlin was gay and Arthur was bi that they wouldn’t work out because Merlin wouldn’t stay with someone who “couldn’t commit to a sexuality”.
By the time Merlin’s birthday happened Arthur was torn between trying to savour any moments he had with Merlin and being afraid it would end at any moment. When Cenred had pointed out that Merlin had his legs around another man he was convinced that their relationship was doomed. He spoke to Merlin about it, who wanted him to speak to a professional about it. Once he spoke to a therapist about it he also told his work who didn’t realise the comments that Cenred had been making.
Merlin and Arthur weren’t back together and things weren’t perfect but it was a start and Arthur was happy to start the journey again with Merlin by his side.
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