I don't know how else to explain it. If someone says something to me that initially hits as horribly transphobic, I'm going to be hurt. However, if, after I confront them about it, they go "Oh no! Jesus no, that's nowhere near what I intended to say, I mean X" - well, I now feel a hell of a lot better. I like knowing people aren't actually trying to hurt me.
So yeah - knowing someone's intent can drastically alter the impact, especially if the impact was negative. It can literally fix a horrible case of miscommunication that could've resulted in a permanent rift in a friendship.
But I've been in communities where trying to have the second half of that conversation is "abuse" and "invalidating their pain".
No! It's actually a really fucking important part of communication! And to silence that second half of the interaction results in no one learning anything, no one healing, and everyone remaining hurt.
Person 1 remains offended, thinking their friend meant to say something transphobic. Person 2 remains hurt because now everyone thinks they're transphobic.
The pain of being misinterpreted is not and should not be dismissed, and fuck anyone who tries to do so to me in the future.
Another two-things-are-true situation.
accidentally saying something that comes across as hurtful is still hurting someone, even if you didn't mean to, and you likely still owe an apology for that hurt and not just an explanation, AND
people deserve the opportunity to correct themselves when their intention comes across wrong, and making that correction can be an important part of the amends process for having spoken insensitively and caused unintended hurt.
Intent isn't everything, but it's not nothing, either. If someone breaks your arm on accident your arm is still broken, but you'll feel a HELL of a lot differently about it than you would if they did it deliberately and with malice.
