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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Today's Document
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Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
DEAR READER
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@august097
If an alien race were the same size as these octopi, the females would be 6.6ft (2m) in height, and their males would only be 2.4cm tall.
Imagine seeing what you think is your alien comrade sitting alone with dinner, only to see a tiny figure dart across the table like a bug. It scurries up her arm and seems to plant a little kiss on her cheek.
Surprise, she’s having dinner with her husband!
In order to truly understand America, you must go to a Spirit Halloween set up inside of the closed-down ChuckE Cheese’s
@desperate-acts-of-capitalism
Like a hermit crab wearing the shell of a larger, dead hermit crab
This is depressing. My childhood’s dead.
Serows have a tendency to look like ungodly goat-wolf hybrids and i just
i really appreciate that
Seows are related to chamois and Rocky mountain goats. They all look like someone was told about the existence of goats but had never seen one, and then asked to draw a picture.
The bottom picture looks like the source of an awful lot of demon and cryptid legends.
WHAT are those I have NEVER seen them before and they are FASCINATING
They look like they bred a goat and wolf together.
since i only ever send rick rolls to ppl i figured id just post one for all my followers for april fools day this year to save myself the effort
happy april fools y’all
how bad could it possibly be
this is it. this is my favorite tag on this post
it’s time. its been a whole year since i made this post
This is what I would call a reverse rickroll.
Joshua Beckett and his dog.
“ Human Josh has recently received approval to have a living creature on board the ship and a few days ago his creature arrived on the ship, it’s a small canine breed called a ‘dog’ and I was informed that it’s species name is a Jack Russell, ironically, the creature is also called Jack but answers to ‘Satan’ and ‘Princess’. Despite the size of the creature, it is not to be underestimated as much like it’s owner, it’s small but it is savage. The dog follows Josh around where ever he goes and has tried to bite a few non humans who have annoyed Human Josh on some level, however, the creature is very obedient, but only to his owner and Human Rachael, if offered food then he will listen to the other humans but for the most part, he is only loyal to the Beckett Siblings; It was also been noted that the small animal enjoys being around Zlark Xedurs due to the heat that is given off by Zagarnians and if given the choice, on their lunch break Jack will lie by Zlark’s feet and have a small nap, Human Josh doesn’t seem bothered that his dog prefers his work partner to him and just shrugs when asked about it and adding. ‘He’s a small dog, he gets cold easily and Zlark is literally made of magma.’ I would like to add that yes Zlark is made of magma but he wears a special collar which was created to allow Zagarnians to interact off their home planet in colder climates and with others who can’t function in those temperatures. In summary, Human Josh was allowed to bring his pet on board, it is very protective of Human Josh and likes those of us who have a higher body temperature. ” – Commander W’onz on the subject of Human Josh and his pet dog, Satan.
Satan, a good dog.
AN: I, don’t know what this is.
“ Human Josh’s creature is a strange thing, dogs are supposedly not meant to be the most intelligent creatures on Earth and we believe that’s one of the reasons the humans like to care for them. However, the creature on board our ship seems to be smarter than the average dog.
He knows when Human Josh is uncomfortable in a situation and will normally try comfort him by climbing on his lap and clean his face with his tongue, the humans like to call this ‘kissing.’while other occasions where Human Josh ha been uncomfortable, the small creature will become very protective and has bitten other members of the crew, Human Josh normally apologizes immediately and uses disciplinary actions on the animal as a result, normally not allowing the creature to stay in his bed or taking his toys away from him.
Another reason we think this dog is more intelligent than the average canine creature is that he has been witnessed stealing things and taking them back to his nest, this includes blankets, at least two pillows and some food, sometimes he is willing to share the stolen food with Human Josh and Human Rachael. Should the creature be caught stealing items, it will stare at you before slowly walking backwards out of the room without breaking eye contact.
He may not be the smartest creature we have came across, as he commonly walks into things and barks at his own reflection, along with chasing his tail, but this creature is interesting, it makes it more interesting to note that dogs are pack animals and it is most likely that this creature views Human Finn, Mick, Luke, Nicole, Rachael, Alisha and of course Human Josh as his pack. ” - Doctor Thoras after returning from her time away from the ship and realizing that the humans have a dog.
Humans in Space are surprisingly safe
When Aliens first got access to human ships the thing that surprised them most was the sheer number of safety systems on board. Surely a species as tough as humans would not need to be protected from anything? But everywhere they checked they found multiple failsafes, safety protocols, and safety nets protecting everything from the weapons system to the coffee machine. Some of these systems were so specific they wondered why or how the humans had come up with them and why they spent the effort fitting them to their ships. Their questions were answered when humans first started working on an alien ship. Within the first month the human crew members had: Burned themselves Stabbed themselves “Strategically amputated” an arm (then reattached it without much fuss) Spaced themselves on more than one occasion Been electrocuted by the food despenser Exploded four computer terminals And secretly grown a cat in one of the science labs After that the Aliens sent a request to the human council for a copy of their safety protocols And also learnt the meaning of the term “idiot proofing”
Humans are Loyal if Properly Bonded
I was in charge of feeding the prisoners. This had been my task since the Queen had taken me and 2 dozen other Murania as hostages. The others had not survived long, but I adapted. Obeyed.
The Queen had taken a human. A rare being this far into the Deep, but one feared from one end of the galaxy to the other. According to the Encyclopedia of Sentient Beings Capable of Space Travel, humans needed a diet of roughly 2000 calories a sol served in traditional 3 portions a sol. Which meant that I had to approach the human three times a sol. I could not fail my duties.
The first attempt at feeding the large being ended with a tray thrown at my head with enough force that it would have caved my skull if I had not ducked in time. The human was raging, slamming their entire body against the containment bars with enough force to shake the floor and… and roaring. I cleaned the mess of nutrient paste as fast as I could and fled.
But five hours later found me trembling in front of the human’s cage with another tray of nutrient paste. The human had calmed and was glaring at me intently. I knew they did not speak Murania, but still I spoke my native language as I offered the food again. I did not get to speak it often and missed the sound. “Guria?”
The human tilted their head and to my shock, repeated the word, then repeated it again until they mimicked the sound perfectly, even with the slight whistle at the end.
I offered the tray. “Guria.”
They eyed it suspiciously so I tasted it, showing it to be safe. “Guria.”
They held their hand out and I gave them the tray, scuttling to a safe corner before they could attack me with it again.
They tilted their head again and scowled, then spoke in broken Common. “I thank”
I fled, claws scratching against the shiny floor.
Another five hours passed all too soon and I was back at the human’s cage with the final meal of the sol. They were moving slowly around the cage with their ear pressed to the wall, tapping with their knuckles. I watched them for a moment, confused at the erratic behaviour, but only managed a few seconds of observation before their head swiveled directly towards me and they stopped to face me.
I walked closer and offered the tray. “Guria.”
They took it. “How talk thank in you mouth talk?”
“Meesh Meesh.”
They opened their mouth and let out a loud, short bark, a laugh according to the ESBCST. (I studied it dutifully when they were brought aboard.) “Meesh Meesh!” They pointed to themselves. “Michael.”
My wings ruffled, the sound was so similar! I pointed to myself, “Mikel”
The human shook their head and pointed to themselves. “Me Michael.”
I jerked my head in an upward motion called a nod. “Yes, you,’ I pointed to them, “Michael.” I pointed to myself. “I, Mikel.”
They laughed again. “Michael, Mikel. Much same.”
I chittered. “Very similar, yes.”
Their eyes narrowed. “You work here?”
I bobbed sideways, a bit noncommittal, “As I must.”
“Must work?”
I searched for the simplest way to translate what I meant across the language barrier. “No work, in there.” I pointed to their cage. “Work, out here.” I hopped encouragingly. “You work soon, yes?”
The human bared their teeth and snarled. “No work. Fight.”
My wings flattened against my spine and I fled. Humans were so aggressive.
The next sol I completed my first duties and then found myself lingering outside the containment hall. I was apprehensive about what mood I would find the human in this time. I fluffed my wings out to convey confidence and clicked in with the human’s first meal.
“Mikel! Guria?” They were bouncing on the front part of their feet, hopping up and touching the ceiling, then dropping to the floor and pushing themselves up with their arms repeatedly.
“Yes. What are you doing?” I slid the tray to where they could reach and backed to a… well not safe but safer, distance.
“Work body. Stay strong.” They flopped over onto their back and turned their head to look at me. “Meesh Meesh.”
“Zuan.” I bobbed sideways before deciding to ask them the question I had been mulling over. “You’re Nice, mean, nice, mean.”
Michael laughed. “Yeah. Head bad.” They hooked their fingers like claws and shook them around their head. “Scare, tired, Fight.” They gestured to the bars and glared. “Not like.”
I nodded. “I know that feeling.” A chime sounded, signaling the Queen’s approach. I flattened myself to the floor and made way.
The Queen slithered in, her scaled body scraping against the floor with a sound that made my feathers stand up. She reared to her full two meter height and flicked her tongue out to taste the air.
“Human. You are mine now, you will serve the glory of me.”
Michael looked her up and down and whistled lowly then pronounced in exact Common. “Ugly. Mother. Fucker.”
I gaped at them in horror. They dared insult the Queen to her face?
The Queen hissed, but smugly coiled. “You will serve me, human. I know your kind. You are loyal. I feed you, I provide you shelter. I give you safety. You will love me.”
The human backed up, crouching into a fighting stance. “No love, mother fucker.”
The Queen wiggled and slid towards the exit. “You will serve me.” They paused to pat me on the head. “You have duties, tiny one.”
The next several sols passed in the same manner. I did my duties, I fed the human, we exchanged words. At night I tended my secret garden grown in glasses of water and composted nutrient paste from seeds and cuttings I snuck from the Queen’s hoard. The human was learning not only Common but Murania at a breathtaking pace. We could hold whole conversations now and I was no longer… completely apprehensive about approaching their cage. Michael had not acted aggressive towards me at all since the Queen’s visit.
The rare human plant called a “green bean” plant had fruited after several months of care and pollinating with the tip of my own feather. I was ecstatic over the first fruits of my secret labor and I felt that Michael would appreciate my excitement and maybe a taste of his home planet. Humans were said to be incredibly empathetic and sentimental.
That morning I secreted a pair of bean pods in my uniform and headed for Micheal’s cage. They seemed to notice something was different right away, peering at me with concern. “All okay, Mikel?”
I nodded and nervously whispered. “Secret, right?”
They lowered their voice and moved closer to the bars. “Yeah, secret.”
I showed him the beans. “I grew these. It’s the first harvest from the plant! It’s a huge secret, but I wanted you to have them.”
Michael stared at the beans with an expression I didn’t recognize for a long time before whispering, their voice strangely rough. “You get trouble for these?”
I nodded and tried to shove the beans into their hands. “Yes, a lot of trouble. Take them!”
They took them and smiled. “Meesh Meesh, Mikel. This…. This mean lot to me. I can’t say enough. Meesh Meesh.” They bit into one and grinned, crunching happily. “Very good! You do good!”
I chittered and ruffled my wings, pleased with the praise. “Zuan, Michael.” I gave them their tray of nutrient paste and fled.
The next day (human word for sol) I found a broken something in the Queen’s trash bin. It was silvery and had a lot of moving parts and made me think of Michael. I shoved it into my uniform and snuck it to Michael. They were overjoyed and immediately began fiddling (another human word I find pleasant to use) with it.
I found I enjoyed making Michael happy and kept my eyes out for things to gift them. A broken flute, a torn book, a shiny rock shard, a discarded pipe, a bit of string. It all was random junk, but Michael was still so happy for each item. It… was a pleasant feeling, almost like being back with my brood mates.
Then… Then the alarms sounded one morning and the ship rocked with an explosion. Frightened, I grabbed my precious green bean plant and rushed instinctively towards Michael’s cage.
Only to find they weren’t there. The bars were broken, bent outward and a piece of the wall was torn open, exposing sparking wires and smashed circuits. The lights were flickering and I could hear screaming. I decided to run for the escape pods and hoped that the Queen died in that explosion.
I had barely skittered into the hallway when I found Michael. They were fighting with a guard twice their size, but easily leaped around it’s bulk and stabbed it in the base of the skull with some sort of spear. A primitive weapon, but still deadly in the hands of the human. Michael rode the body of the guard down to the ground and leaped off, brandishing the spear at me.
Frozen in fear, I distantly realized the weapon was made from the shiny rock tied to a piece of pipe. I was to die from a weapon I provided then.
Except, Michael lowered the weapon and smiled. “Mikel! I find you! Come on! We get out of here!”
“Out… Escape?”
“Yeah! C’mon, I stole codes for ship!”
I followed them numbly, too scared and shocked to process that not only had a single human escaped a 1st class prison cell with just bits of junk, but had also destroyed the Pirate Queen’s ship, and was taking me with them.
It wasn’t until we were flying fast and far from the wreckage, headed towards a Trading Station, that I found my voice. “Why… Why would you save me? I…” I didn’t know how to express the fact that I was nothing, tiny, worth only for cleaning while the human was strong, big, and apparently a fearsome and brilliant warrior.
Michael glanced at me from the corner of their eyes. “We friends, Mikel. Friends no leave friends. Also, you trapped like me. On other side of bars, but trapped same.”
“Friends? But Queen provided for you, you were supposed to bond with her?!”
The human looked at me incredulously before laughing long and loud, his head thrown back with the effort of it. “No Bond with Queen, she put me in cage. You! You give me food, you talk, teach, you bring me presents. You good friend. Queen Piece of Shit.”
“Oh.” Michael had bonded with me. And.. I with them it seemed. And we were free. “Meesh meesh, Michael. You’re a good friend too.” I hugged my green bean plant. “What now?”
“I thinking I turn in Queen head for bounty, use money buy good ship again. After, you want go home or you want explore?”
My wings flared in excitement. “Can I have a garden room on our ship?”
Michael grinned and tossed his arm (gently) around my shoulders. “Yes, you have garden room. Grow lots plant in space. Explore! Garden! New Planet! New Seed!”
Part 2
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Part 5
Part 6 , Part 7
Full Story on A3o
Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!
Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.
Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?
Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.
Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?
Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?
Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.
Humans Aren’t Shrink Wrapped?
Recently, it’s been hard thinking up ways humans are weird. I thought every possible way has been thought up, but I discovered something new! There’s this thing called shrink wrapping. It’s when people draw prehistoric animals, like dinosaurs, without taking into account feathers/hair and fat. As a result, the animal looks quite different than it actually did. Here’s a shrink wrapped sauropod.
People have also drawn modern animals if they were shrink wrapped.
Swan
Hippo
Baboon
Rhino
And zebra
But what if aliens didn’t have feather/hair and fat. These features are usually used for insulation, so maybe the temperature on their planets are always temperate. Let’s say aliens find a lost human ship. They never made contact with humans and don’t know what they look like beyond the bones they find on the ship. Using the bones, they reconstruct what they think a human looks like. This is their reconstruction.
So, they went off and searched for this mysterious new race. Eventually, they make contact with what seems to be another race. But the appearance of this species was unlike all others. Their skin didn’t hug their skeleton like other vertebrate species. The skin appeared to have a soft filling. They also appeared to have what can only be describe as extremely thin tentacles, but they didn’t seem like they could be manipulated. When the aliens studied the humans anotomy, they were shocked that these were in fact the same mysterious species they had been searching for. Later, they would find out humans aren’t special. Most Terran life had a similar deviation from what their bones would suggest. Apparently, this was an addaptation to a planet with varrying temperatures. It put into question how accurate previous interpretations of fossils across the universe were.
Jean was panicking, backed into a corner both physically and figuratively. The Konok has never been reported to try to use any form of communication before, but only to attack and kill any human unlucky enough to encounter them. Could it be some advanced variation?
Or maybe it was the Konok Hive Queen herself, resurrected after the five long years since she was killed?
Jean killed the sirens and tried to think himself out of the mess he was in.
The soft, almost feminine voice came through the old, tinny speakers on the console again.
“Human, are you there? I’ve been very lonely out here by myself. Perhaps we could talk.”
Whatever was talking to him, it sounded… Happy? It was almost like it was excited to talk to him.
There was no way that whatever was talking to him was a Konok, they were notorious for their rage and insatiable bloodlust. Not for their cheerful disposition.
Finally, Jean’s curiosity got the better of him and he turned on his short range comms unit.
“Hello, who am I talking to?”
There was a short silence, but it felt like it stretched on for an eternity.
“I have several names, but for now you can just call me Moondragon!”
It had to be some kind of joke. He was talking with the ship? It could have been someone on board the Moondragon, but there was no way that any sort of AI would be smart enough to-
“Human, I have told you my name. Isn’t it fair that you tell me yours as well?”
There it was again, ‘Human.’ Why would any rational person call another ‘Human?’ Was he in the middle of some form of first contact with an alien species? If so, he should probably be polite. It would be bad if his lack of manners set the standard for the entirety of the Human Race.
“Hello, Moondragon, my name is Jean-Luc, but you can just call me Jean. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Yet again another pause from his mysterious correspondent.
“Hello, Jean-Luc! You have a very interesting name. Would you like to meet?”
Meet? As in face-to-face talking with whatever was talking to him in deep space? If nothing else, Jean would have one hell of a story to tell when he got back home, not that anybody would believe him.
“Of course, where would you like to meet?”
Instead of the pause that seemed to normally follow this mysterious person’s speech, they replied immediately.
“Please head to Docking bay 7b, the running lights are already on! I cannot wait to meet you, it’s been a very long time since a Human was aboard my ship.”
Jean slowly piloted his tugboat over to the wrecked ship, noting the large gash on one side of the ship where it had been hit with something absolutely massive, but he didn’t give it much thought. Instead his mind was filled with the one simple sentence over and over again, eventually saying it out loud.
“Just what the hell did I get myself into?”
I love these comics by Nathan W. Pyle.
Here are some more good ones
I love this.
Transcript from the galactic officers academy; universal standard date 0304613
Quiet down in the back, class has started- I said QUIET in the back!
That’s more like it. Now, we’ve reviewed the various tactics of the famous trackers of the Dryzal, the mollusk-like defense of the V’ikka, and the unbeatable ship speed of the Klinaril, and now it’s time for you runts to learn about some of the more advanced military techniques in the galaxy.
The Yrzak have become masters of war, both their ships and their soldiers can be considered unbeatable against almost any species in a one-on-one fight. You brave, or more likely idiotic, few who checked the box of ‘military’ on your prospective future jobs back in school will inevitably have to face off against the Yrzak in the near future.
Yes, I did say ‘almost any species’ private, there is always an exception to any rule, and Humanity is normally that exception. Sneakier than the Krlesh, faster than the Klinaril, stronger than the V’ikka, and better at tracking than the Dryzal. The rumors you have heard are true, humans are a grand species, they actually come from a class 12 deathworld and colonized planets worse than that!
But this is not why the Humans are such fearsome enemies private. For if it were that alone then there would still be a weakness that could be exploited, some vulnerability that could be twisted out of them. Their secret, if you would excuse my metaphor, is that the Human military is good at jury rigging with parts not meant for their own ship.
They employ V’ikka shipsmiths to work alongside their own, allow Klinaril to become their pilots, and the Dryzal to work in their armies. The Humans, above all, are opportunists. Their ability to maximize upon the best traits of a being allows them to have no fault. If there is a fault to be found, a gap in their system, then the humans will find a new species to fill that gap.
This is why you might actually have a chance in surviving this war. Twenty years ago, you all would be on different planets, under different banners, training for different militaries. Instead, some of your ancestors decided to ally themselves to the craziest, most suicidal bunch of maniacal fools in this galaxy.
You will all fight under the name ‘human,’ no matter your planet of birth or the type of upbringing you had, have no doubt about that. Wear your badge with pride students, you’ve earned that much.
End Transcript
Humans as Accidental Temporal Chaotics
Bit of a different take this time, everyone. The concept here is that humans, in their day to day lives, bend time ever so subtly. Time flies when you’re having fun and boring meetings seem to take hours. Maybe this is an actually phenomenon, just undetectable because of the distances involved. Maybe aliens are searching for whatever kind of temporal manipulators are distorting time constantly and making a mockery of their lives.
For centuries it had been known that somewhere out in the universe there was a race of super-beings whose key survival trait was the capacity to manipulate time at will: slow it down when more observation was needed, speed it up when things are taking too long. Not a single galactic scientist suspect that the huge temporal fluctuations which were causing havoc across thousands of inhabited planets.
Eventually the source was discovered; a small planet orbiting a rather boring star in the corner of an arm of the galaxy which had been considered dead until now. The dominant species called themselves Humans, and the planet they labeled Earth.
But when galactic researchers inquired into the time altering beings, the humans were baffled. They didn’t believe that such a thing was even possible, nevermind that it was happening on a galactic scale or propagating from their little rock.
One team found the truth. That humans were able to manipulate time without even thinking. Without even noticing! What monsters they must be.
Earth’s empty orbit now stands as a testimony to the occasionally hellish productions of life, the power of the galactic forces, and the effectiveness of a weapon known as the Molecular Disrupter Device (aka “The Little Doctor”).
{Credit for concepts: theotherguysride (tumblr); Terry Pratchett (novels); Orson Scott Card (Ender’s Game - novels) }
Humans just don’t die.
Compared to other animals of similar size and metabolisms, humans have an exceptionally long lifespan. Even our closest cousins, the Chimps, usually don’t live longer than 50 years.
Animals with fast metabolisms usually live short lives, with some insects living no more than a day, and some small rodents living no longer than 5 years.
Animals with slower metabolisms tend to live longer lives, many of them being seabound creatures which have evolved slow metabolisms as a means of surviving with little food. Some sharks, whales, even some sea urchins, can live with 200 years or more.
For land-bound mammals with metabolisms similar to our own, the only ones who compete with our lifespans are elephants, who don’t usually live longer than 70 years.
The world life expectancy for humans comes to an average of 71.5 years. We know many humans often go beyond this in age, people have even started living for more than 100 years. The longest-lived human was recorded at 122 years, 164 days, old.
The writing prompt is this; if aliens follow the same pattern as life here on earth, then long lives would only be expected in slow-moving creatures (like a tortoise) or ocean-bound animals (like whales). Alien creatures who have live’s as active as our own would probably think themselves lucky to see 70 years at the very most.
For these aliens working until we retire at 65, would be like being told we’ll work until the day we drop dead. Yet here go humans, passing 70, 80, even 90 years. We may be getting older and frailer but we JUST KEEP GOING!!!
we aren’t just Space-orcs, we’re Space-elves!
Back stabbing a Human
Humans, especially the small ones, are trusting by nature. They pack bond and normally rely on anyone who can give them what they need regardless of race, occupation, and all over reputation.
However, if you turn on THEM individually, that individual human will black list you so fast and so hard, depending on how severe the action of betrayal was, they might hunt you down and end you painfully. They may end you quickly, they may just ruin your reputation and watch you suffer and squirm, they may resort to petty insults that absolutely drive you insane!
Then you may run into the special kind of human that would forgive you not just once, but multiple times over.
but beware
even those have a braking point. And their vengeance is much, much, much more cruel and violent and unpredictable…
do not betray a human…
I am especially not forgiving. I have trust issues.
