How can anyone still have these tired notions about Aang? Being an abuser? Not understanding pain?
See, this just breaks my heart. Aang goes through various low periods in the show, but one episode that might best illustrate how much grief he's carrying is The Awakening (S3, E1). Aang is so distraught over the idea of the world thinking he's dead, and the thing is that he's dealing with the memory of waking up in the iceberg and learning that everything and everyone he knew is gone.
In The Awakening, he relives that fear. He's alive, but imagine... Once again the world thinks he's gone. Once again he feels like he's failed. Once again, Aang is left to wonder what evil might happen if the Fire Nation thinks he's gone. He carries so much guilt, shame and regret for not being there for his people and for the world.
In The Storm (S1, E 12), we learn why Aang disappeared--he ran away. We learn that he was scared about being taken away from Gyatso and his life because he's the Avatar. This is something he carries with him. At the end of The Storm, Aang chooses to face any and all challenges head on, determined to do what he can in the present. He can't change the past, but he chooses the future. Again, allow me to point out some critical growth: Aang chooses never to run away again.
So fast forward to season 3, and he feels like he's running away all over again. He's so angry in The Awakening that he impulsively flies off into the storm to (probably) alert the world to the fact that he's still alive, and gods help anyone doing harm in his supposed absence. But he's stopped, and Yue comforts him/saves him by carrying him to safety on the tides.
Meanwhile, Aang is dealing with this mostly on his own. Not because he doesn't trust the others, but because he probably feels that it's his own burden to bear. He's likely applying the teachings of his people to let go of negative emotions and move forward. He chooses now. He chooses the future. Again and again. Aang chooses to do what he can to help. He grows so much.
And an abuser? Oh lord help me. Aang respects differences of opinion all the time (he never tries to convert anyone to vegetarianism, he never blames Zuko for what happened to his people, he never does anything underhanded to stop Katara in the Southern Raiders). On the last note: in The Southern Raiders episode, Aang lets Katara go with Zuko. He doesn't raise his voice or get angry. He gets worried. He's sad. Because he understands Katara's pain better than anyone, and he knows how angry she is. He understands why she'd want revenge. You know why?
Because at one point, Aang at least thought he wanted those things too.
When he goes into the Avatar state for the first time after finding Gyatso's body, that was pure, unadulterated anger and grief. It was raw power that consumed him. Imagine what might have been going through his head? He was losing himself to grief, and I'd bet everything I have on the idea that he was probably thinking about revenge right then. It's only because Katara tells him they're his new family that he calms.
And he never does this again.
Aang deals with his feelings so in the moment that we don't see this long drawn out tug-of-war the same way we see with Zuko or even Katara. But Aang's been there. That's why he can be a friend to everyone in the Gaang--because he can empathize, and he knows that being a person is hard. He knows what toll the war has taken on everyone.
The only time we see Aang being unquestionably difficult is after losing Appa. He blames Toph, he's generally snappy with Katara, and he shows little care for Sokka's cactus juice antics. And this really underscores how Aang's attachment to the last shreds of his old life is still so strong. Appa is all he has left, and he has no time to process that he's been taken. Again, he wasn't there. So you get this moment when he's probably taking out his anger with himself on everyone around him. Because every bad thing that happens to the people Aang loves happens when he's not there to help.
And then? You can guess where this is going. Again we see him come to the end of the arc (at the end of The Serpent's Pass, S2, E12), we see Aang come to the conclusion that he has to let himself feel again. He's moved by the birth of a child who lived thanks to the efforts he and his friends made to keep the couple safe. He's constantly reminded of the present. He's constantly choosing to do better. He learns from his mistakes and he grows.
Aang is a complex character with so much depth. He's so endlessly kind and understanding, but it doesn't come from the word go. He makes mistakes. But he always gets back up. He always chooses to look forward after he understands what he could've done better.
I think the reason Aang doesn't get his due from a lot of fans is that he's a kid. Audiences have been primed to like the edgier, grittier protagonist (an archetype Zuko fits into. I like Zuko, so don't think I'm bashing him at all). But Aang is younger and part of his personality is that he's a goofball. Plus, we see him grow up throughout the seasons.
I guarantee you that if Aang had been 16 like the rest of boys, he wouldn't be bashed as often as he is. It's unfortunate.
Remember that this show was for kids his age (and at a range 11-16). Aang's personality and journey are relatable to anyone, but especially a young kid. Aang was written to give viewers a role model--he shows kindness, wisdom, fun-loving, silliness and boyhood.
Aang isn't immature. Aang isn't an abuser. Aang isn't a flat undeveloped character.
Because he chooses to be one despite everything he's lost and everything he's up against. He chooses growth.
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