Out of all the issues I have concering stag/tomcat/doe, this is what I will say. Especially in regards to the recent motion to make them โfor all bi peopleโ.
Loving women as a woman is inherently antithetical to (western) womanhood, where womanhood revolves around and is taught as inherently dependent on men. Straight womanhood is the performance of all aspects of your life to be palatable to men, and all your actions regarding womanhood (eg. relationship dynamics, gender roles, presentation (in terms of how you dress, how you talk, how you move), and your own perceived self-worth in relation to the โideal desireableโ womanhood that you should display) are taught as though it must be for the sake of men, and must be approved by men for you to be a โreal womanโ.
In this sense, loving women as a woman, breaks this taught connection that โgood womanhoodโ = โmens approvalโ, and can complicate the relationship with womanhood because suddenly all these dynamics that have been taught as an inherent part of womanhood just arenโt there, especially in the case of lesbians and bi women who are fully divorced from men.
I donโt like putting too much stock in an inherent divide between the experiences of all lesbians and all bi women, because thatโs not how it works. But, I do think that some bi women, especially bi women who spend a lot of time around straight men but also men in general, can have a different kind of conflict in relation to womanhood that lesbians may not experience, because of our desire for authentic reciprocation from men. However, our love for women still confounds the โideal desirableโ version of womanhood that men look for, so weโre left struggling between the thought that has been drilled into us forever that โa good woman = men approvingโ and our desire to love women (which is a struggle that lesbians also face, however some bi women may authentically want that reciprocated approval from men which just creates a different nuance on the issue).
The problem is that men (and nbs with no connection to womanhood) will never experience this particular issue because manhood and what it means (in a western context) to be a โgood manโ in society doesnโt revolve around the approval and sole dedication to women, in the sense that your worth as a human and a man isnโt stripped from you if a woman disapproves of you (No, in that case sheโs a bitch, or a whore, or a slut, and the man isnโt at fault, as far as society is concerned), which is why it doesnโt work to take terms that were made in the context of a bi womenโs relation to womanhood and declare that anyone regardless of gender can use them, even people who donโt have a connection to womanhood.
And itโs extremely hypocritical and horrible to me, to make a big deal out of โconnecting the communityโ and โmaking terms for all bi people regardless of genderโ yet not acknowledging and caring, that stag/tomcat/doe IS inherently exclusionary of bi women of color. They have been saying this. Itโs not a rumored thing thatโs been mentioned in passing. Itโs an explicit thing that a lot of anti black racism and anti black propaganda revolve around comparing poc (especially woc) to animals. Itโs not cute, itโs disrespectful to the women who built this community and itโs so incredibly flippant and imo inexcusable to say โwell they donโt have to identify with them!โ I thought the point was to make bi terms accessible to all bi people?
Seriously, regardless of your opinion on the usage of butch and femme (which the need for an alternative for bi women is where these terms came from in the first place), there are better alternatives. Damme and Tomme are ones that come to mind but there are many proposed alternatives. There are experiences and a need for a name to those experiences, that only bi women face. A fundamental misunderstanding of what the terms mean and why they were created, doesnโt mean that they suddenly apply to everyone. I do think that bi men and nbs who arenโt connected to womanhood deserve their own terms, but taking the culture that bi women (and applicable nbs) have made for themselves in an attempt to name their very unique experiences with womanhood (especially when, at the current moment, the most popular terms are inaccessible to bi woc) isnโt the way to go.
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