are you happy to see me?

out of context diary, poet, author, student

[badwritinghabits]

I went to write this morning, to work on a poem, and realised that writing doesn’t work great if you don’t wake up your writing muscles. So I jumped on here to do some freewriting and two things happened. I got distracted reading the Caretakers posts, and the song I was listening to turned out to be the mmmwhatcha say song and I lost my shit momentarily. 

The Caretaker is brilliant, the aesthetic they bring is so beautiful it’s kissable. Huge aesthetic. I wish I could write something with that aesthetic sometimes, but then other times I’m very content to just read it. 

I also read The Hound of the Baskerville’s today, and BOY HOWDY is it different from the tv series version. Like i feel like i need to rewatch that episode just so I can remember fully what they presented as their case. So brilliant tho - the book. I’m reading it for my english class, and next week i plan on doing my assignment for it.

I woke up at 5.45 this morning, and also sorry for anyone reading this for it being such a mess of thoughts but it really is like a diary set up. i’m just spewing thoughts here as they come. Anyway, i woke I 5.45 and got up. Then read until around 9.30, when i finished my book and proceeded to organise my assignments and work load. 

My next thing is a poem that i need to complete. I keep tripping myself up over it, and over thinking the events of the poem to much. But once I’ve laid it all out, I’ll work on it and make it cohesive. It’s a poem about death and change.

Hmm, well shoot. My brain has decided that right now is not, in fact, poetry writing time. I’m feeling antsy. I’m going to go for a walk. Head to the library and see if they have a poetry section.

[badwritinghabits]

a new girl

her features were round and smooth

yet something in her eyes felt like if you touched her

youd pull away bleeding

her edges might look soft

but theres a blade under that duvet

and shell cut you up

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting:idontknowidontknowidontknowidontknow

im really angry. I want to write, but i don’t even know what i want to write anymore. i dont know how i want to write. i dont know i dont know i dont know i just want to know i want to knowknwoknowknwo.  fuck.

it’s like everytime i read something new i’m thrown for a loop. the pretty stuff like the raven cycle, and strange the dreamer, and whats it called the book theif, anytime i read i line of those i feel my desire to write shift into this desire for those pretty poetic lines and worlds and creations. But the stories i come up with dont fit into that prettyness. maybe i need to go the opposite direction? make something gritty, and calloused? 

except i don’t like dealing with negativity, it puts me in a state of mind that will make me feel sick. i just don’t know what to do maybe i need to write something ugly and embrace it, see where it takes me? I don’t know.  I want to make something pretty and happy, but everytime i try it falls flat. 

[badwritinghabits]

annoying dream

So I don't normally dream/remember my dreams. Very rare occasion for me. Last night, however, I dreamed about fucking exams. Of course. I was going on to do my exam, but I was reading the questions for my second exam, and my brain must have gone "wait, no, wrong order, retcon this pls" and then i realised I was doing the wrong exam and had to change over halfway through to do the first exam and uuuugh it was just annoying. And my brains throwback to my last exam where I didn't manage my time well, eugh

[badwritinghabits]

two books, two days

Just finished the two graphic novels of The Adventure Zone (SO GOOD I WANT TO CRY I”VE MISSED MY BOIS) and had the sudden thought -

I hope to pan that they make a graphic novel of their one shots after the main books are done! That would be a dreAM.

I have literally nothing else to say, except i’m so happy and i cannot wait to see all the squad visualised, and the inclusion of fan art in the back is so perfect because they fully embrace the many different appearences of the Tres Horny Boys, and it makes me sooooo happy!

[badwritinghabits]

just remembered

I just remembered my flatmate’s going on t next year and I’m so fucking excited for him, and so damn proud and ready to live vicariously through him while still respecting his boundaries and experience

[badwritinghabits]

vent: booksbooksbooks

You know what’s not cool? Blaming kids for you spending money on a present they didn’t ask for. 

When I was young I wanted to try and read the Eragon series. I mentioned it once, and my family got together and got me all four books for christmas. I got halfway through the first and realised I didn’t like the authors writing style - it was too dense for twelve year old me, and it’s still too dense for 20 year old me - so I stopped reading them. My mum gave me a lot of grief about not reading them when she and everyone put in so much effort to get them for me and I, Just, Didn’t, know, what, to, say?? Like i didn’t ask for them all i just asked for the first. 

I then felt guilty for not reading them, tried again, and couldn’t read the series. It made it really frustrating and I still can’t shake the feeling of guilt about not reading those books.

[badwritinghabits]

I miss drawing on myself. During highschool I drew on my hands and wrists and arms ALL the time, but for some reason last year and this year I stopped, but I don't know why. I'm gonna try and get back into it until I can get tattoos to fill the space.

[badwritinghabits]

money money ombey ombey

this year has been my worst year financially. its my first year of uni, i spent all of my savings on catered accomodation, wasnt able to get a job, had to get out more loan than i wanted, and really nearly didnt have a job over summer. BUT i applied for work at an old place a couple weeks back, got a call two weeks ago, then today got an email confirming i have a job! i’m so goddamn happy! this means 1) i can pay off my immediate dept, 2) i can maybe see about get a job transfer up to the city i live in for next year after summer, 3) i can save up and pay my bond and rent next year, and 4) i can relax!

Money has been a MAJOR source of stress for me over the year, literally the only thing i think about, the only thing that makes me cry. Nothing, not schoolwork, not gender, not friends, not loneliness, not homesickness NOTHING except money. Money money money money moneymoneymoneyombeyombeyombeyin I hate money. hate it. but i need it. it’s going to be so nice. I hope i have a job next year as well! it would mean i could replace my old or cheap technology, i could treat myself, i could save. ugh, money.

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting: i put the pro in procastination

i have an assignment due tomorrow, at 4ish in the afternoon. i’ve finished half of it already, but i’m just struggling to write. it’s not coming to me, and all i’m really doing is editing an old piece. thats what this assignment is, rewriting something and it’s soooo hard. i’ve got my summary and one paragraph. i still need at least one more paragraph, and i sort of have an idea but also sort of dont. maybe i should just take my old one, edit where i was told to edit, then add in the things i did in my new half done edit of it. i don’t know. its quarter to eleven and i’m just frustrated and my fingers are fatigued. i need to open my old one and pick stuff i can keep, then edit it, then add it to my new one. yeah thats a good plan. sorry, again im tired and struggling 

[badwritinghabits]

I don't put the pro in procastination. After writing this entry, and tomorrow's, I immediately got an idea for what to write and finished the rewrite. Tomorrow I print off and line edit, but otherwise I'm DONE and hallelujah. No more generating ideas for me please, just let me wither and rot. Many thanks but I would like to marry rich and write novels.

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting: i put the pro in procastination

i have an assignment due tomorrow, at 4ish in the afternoon. i’ve finished half of it already, but i’m just struggling to write. it’s not coming to me, and all i’m really doing is editing an old piece. thats what this assignment is, rewriting something and it’s soooo hard. i’ve got my summary and one paragraph. i still need at least one more paragraph, and i sort of have an idea but also sort of dont. maybe i should just take my old one, edit where i was told to edit, then add in the things i did in my new half done edit of it. i don’t know. its quarter to eleven and i’m just frustrated and my fingers are fatigued. i need to open my old one and pick stuff i can keep, then edit it, then add it to my new one. yeah thats a good plan. sorry, again im tired and struggling 

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting: my novel

four thousand, two hundred, and eighty-eight (4288) words, and thirty-two (32) chapter plans later and I have outlined my novel down to each scene. i cannot wait to write it. my friends can’t wait to read it. a few months ago i produced a short story for an assignment, and then i decided to make it a novel and they’ve been begging for updates ever since. as much as i want to tell them right now that i’ve finished the first draft of my outline (I want to double check the pacing in it and add anything i might be missing) it’s 11:50 pm. ten minutes to midnight. as much as they’d love it, they’d hate me. 

so i have to refrain my excitement till tomorrow, the first day of the spookiest time of year.

[badwritinghabits]

even scream sounds like a scream

maybe you know the feeling. when fabric doesn’t sit right. when one shoe is too tight. when your skin crawls and is so agitated you could peel it off?

thats what over stimulation from light, fabric, words, voices, images, thats what over stimulation translates to in me. 

sometimes im so angry. with no one. with nothing. with me. with everyone. with everything. it feels like that. like i want to press a restart button but it’s hiding from me. god i want to scream. nothing i do is good enough. i work too hard. people talk too much. i dont work hard enough. i want to scream. i want to feel what it feels like to stand in a field and let go. force the air from my lungs. be as loud as i want. not give a damn. give a damn. be carefree and careless. find out what the difference is between the two. i want to scream. i want to feel it boil through me like a curse. from the gut to my chest, scorching my throat and ringing my ears. i want to scream. i want to feel something concrete. i want to scream goddammit. 

[badwritinghabits]

love yourself

I sometimes forget how much i love myself. I just went to check what i’d bought, since i’d forgotten, and realised i bought two bars of lindt chocolate and felt immediate love for myself.

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting: wanting to write

not sure how poetically pretentious i can be on here. it’s my diary blog and i can do what i want, but at the same time i don’t want to look back at thirty and cringe. i want to write a book - working title hound gods - i thought of it years ago, listening to that song, cops and robber by the hoosiers. just a modern mythology, the pattern of a heroes journey, only today. all the temptations and distractions we see today.

[badwritinghabits]

everything is weird now and yes, i blame you

I was happy with you as a friend, as my friend. Now you’re my admirer and I feel like I’m on display, constantly watched with a desire scorching your motives. You say you don’t expect me to like you back, but that doesn’t make you liking me okay.

I get it, I get it, liking someone isn’t necessarily a choice, but I also don’t get it, because for me it is. 

I don’t understand and I can’t be alone with you anymore. I’m not scared of you, I’m just scared you’ll ask me something. I don’t want to hang out with you, but I can’t just walk away because that’s cruel. 

But gently, gently I am chipping away at this rope between us. Strands are being cut, slowly, and I’ll eventually run away.

[badwritinghabits]

freewriting: i know what i’m gonna do, but it’s not what i want to do

I have three essays due this week, and I’m questioning my degree. I questioning my education. I’m questioning everything. I just want to write my novels, I just want to earn money. I’m writing an essay about the Fees Free project in New Zealand and it’s just getting me depressed about my own financial situation. Finances always depress me. My studies are overwhelming and I need to work on them. Three essays in one week. I’ve got one done, I just need to line edit and reference. I’ve got another drafted, I just need to cut 200 words and line edit. The last is due in three days and I need to start it over again. Should I just finish off those other two? I think so. This one is only 13 percent, and I’m doing badly in this paper already. I can still pass if I fuck it up. I can still pass if it’s badly written and gets a low grade. I just don’t want to lower those standards I hold myself too because then I will never reach them.