He Who Balls

He/Him, avid orb collector, inventor of Invert Teeth, member of the Western Mountains Wizard Union

[gavamont]

ONE wizard steals ONE riding lawn mower and suddenly there’s no wizards allowed in the shop. This is bullshit.

[patt-off]

oh your pronouns are he/they?

well that’s mathematically incorrect becuase you can still simplify the fraction since both sides have “he”

making your pronouns technically 1/ty

[patt-off]

>:)

[ncah-czerny]

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

I’m releasing The Most Beautiful Woman You’ve Ever Seen into your enclosure, please be on the lookout for her in the next few days

[ballerwizard]

Dude stop putting my wife in other people's enclosures you're stressing her out.

[ygnoge]

Was talking the other day about the formative sexy wizardesses of my youth, and here we are.

[neenarchive]

maidens if you are going to flee dramatically from my castle in the middle of the night once i reveal my true nature to you please leave your candelabra on the little ledge by the portcullis we are running out of them

[neenarchive]

starting to think these maidens are stumbling in soaked through from the rain just to steal my beautiful gowns and homewear are any of you actually lost

[elektrashocktherapy]

At the checkout in Home Goods loading the belt with nothing but candelabras in all shapes & sizes while the cashier watches sympathetically and asks if it’s the maidens again

[ballerwizard]

Got a new curse for y'all.

This one makes you important at your workplace so you suddenly have a lot of responsibilities that you don't feel qualified for. The stress'll gray your hair in no time flat.

[ballerwizard]

How does the wizard councik feel about using magic to steal from babies? It's fine, right?

Asking for a friend.

[sata-cable]

[bisexualspongebob]

the fact that the bottom part of this was cut off and reposted and and almost nobody knew is one of the biggest cases of bi erasure in history

[shounenchild]

[themagnificentcheeselord]

I'm out of wizard shitposts right now, check back in after the E T E R N A L W I N T E R for more random garbage, the E T E R N A L W I N T E R shouldn't be that long anyways.

[ballerwizard]

INSTANT BALLS

[concoctionboy]

A small slime just showed up and asked if it could be my apprentice.

I... I don't think slimes usually have apprentices? I think that's usually a wizard thing? I mean, and a blacksmith-and-other-tradesmen thing, but I'm not that either. I am not even sure what a slime apprenticeship would encompass if it was a thing. I think either this slime is confused, or I am.

[ballerwizard]

Okay, here's my pitch. I take you on as my apprentice (Union rates, room and board, correspondence courses, the works) and then that way you have a trade you can pass on to YOUR apprentice. Foolproof.

[concoctionboy]

Hey, sorry I didn't reply to this earlier, but, uh, do you mean like a wizard apprentice, or some other trade? Because if you mean a wizard apprentice, first I'm not sure I really have the attention span to learn to be a wizard, but more importantly I'm not sure I could anyway because my own magical nature kind of... has a tendency to interfere with spells in the vicinity.

But if you mean some other trade, I mean I don't know I guess maybe it wouldn't hurt to like pick up some skill in bookbinding or blacksmithing.

[ballerwizard]

We'll find you something. Scribing perhaps. And then you can teach whatever I tell you to your apprentice. Like some kind of tetrahedron plot. Foolproof.

[concoctionboy]

I mean... it's been long enough that the little slime who asked to be my apprentice isn't here anymore, though they've been stopping by occasionally so I guess they'd probably be back.

Actually, I guess the one trade I have been interested in learning is alchemy; I mean, having been created through alchemy myself I figure nosce te ipsum and all that. I don't know if that's something you teach, though.

[ballerwizard]

As long as the check doesn't bounce, then as far as you know I'm qualified to teach anything.

[ballerwizard]

Why are you me? I'm me.

Knew I shouldn't have bought that sentient mirror.

[wizard-council-museum-clerk]

A good thrift shop deal is often hard to pass up.

[dwinkus]

peasant visionary: & then it stood before me, a towering wheel of flame that beheld me with 10,000 shimmering eyes!

me: idk man it still sounds like an ocular migraine

peasant visionary: #MyGrain

[depsidase]

[gavamont]

My dungeon is so boring lately. Maybe if I capture more queer people the cries of those trapped down there would be more interesting and varied. But then it feels kind of homophobic. But I also want a more interesting dungeon.

This is why it is so hard being an evil wizard.

[ballerwizard]

Okay, so, what you do is, recruit a few queer folk as your minions, then capture their exes. Diversity win! The spiteful ex-lover who's sentenced you to an eternity in the wizard's dungeon is gay!

[joeyclaire]

you are not an endearingly rude and unfriendly cartoon character you need to be nice to people

[joeyclaire]

coming from a place of love btw i still have to remind myself this often. i’m very autistic i know what it’s like to think of yourself as like a lovable character with quirky flaws because your sense of identity comes from fiction but you are a Living Person and that’s not how it works to be a living person

[joeyclaire]

not enough people are reblogging this version which is fine but i think they should. I Know Ball i still struggle with this i Get It