ꍟꋪꋪꂦꋪ

TW!Vent account [DON'T LIKE IT? DON'T REPORT. MIND YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS]

[bbbl00dd]

Hi B/Bloo here

I post edgy personal Vents here bc I'm tired of talking to myself.

@bl00dystuffyay is my repost acc for silly stuff

TW for; s**dal ideation, SH, ED talk + other mental health related stuff

!!!I'm not glorifying anything here just getting some thoughts out my head!!!

Personal tag; #THE fag speaks Bs

I'm a fuckass retarded loser, don't try to get close to me, you'll regret it

You'll find me in every corner of the internet if you look hard enough

[bbbl00dd]

I always go back to faking time and time again it's mostly muscle memory at this point, i'm not even trying to make others or myself like me

Somehow it still happens and it's annoying because i can't do anything about it, it's not like i can just 'manually' switch my personality. It's like subconsciously i know that if i act 'naturally' nobody will like me, not the people that only know the other charming and curated versions of me that is; they are almost the opposite of how i would act. I'm not cheery, compliant,sweet,compassionate or naive, I'm nothing like people describe me NOTHING. it's easier than trying to be yourself when you don't know who you are..

I went along with what i thought i had to be to be normal, liked and i only ended up being miserable

I don't understand it, i can barely explain it

I don't get it?? Why did I have to be so complicated? Why can't i just have a normal personality, not whatever this is.

Nobody really knows me, nobody apart from two people..

i know that when i do or say something that isn't 'in character' people who 'know' me immediately notice it,they point it out and it annoys me so much. I don't really want to see them ever again, you don't want to see past the past, they keep treating me as if i was as dumb as that little persona i made to please them and now i can't break free from it..

I'm not an actor or fictional, I'm a person too, why can't you see that?

[bbbl00dd]

What a miserable reality

I wish i could dream big

But it's getting harder to think

Maybe that's a good thing !

I was getting tired of it anyways

[bbbl00dd]

Guess who is worried about me now, because I'm 'too frail'? The one who lied and yelled at me for years.. how could i ever believe you out of all people???

Ha! As if i would stop just because you cry in my face. YOU are one of the reasons why i want to kill myself everyday, fuck you, fuck this useless disgusting body.

I wish to rot soon.

[bbbl00dd]

I feel so hollow, i was never really interesting but now i feel it more and more everyday

I don't get what it is anymore, if some unresolved trauma giving me anxiety, my digusting struggle with food that leaves me feeling gross or my not so repressed anger

I don't know what to do, my mind always goes back to death as if it was my only chance to be free. I don't know if it really is.

I despise people dissecting me, telling me there are solutions when I've been patient all my life, waiting, and got nothing. How can i trust there really is a good ending for me when all i have known is anger, fear, and pain?

I'm tired of being snappy, anxious

I'm tired of being tired all the time

I don't want to worry about anything, everything seems like an unmovable obstacle when it really isn't, I'm the problem.

I used to be tolerant of everything, mature even for my age and now i can't do anything without risking a breakdown over the littlest thing..

I'm trapped in these walls, even when i go outside this flesh feels suffocating.

I have no escape, no matter how much i try to starve myself or puke my sorrows out, no matter how much i cry, yell or i fake I will never escape the flesh and mind that I'm forced to call my own, the one that torments me and wants me dead the most

I don't want to die but i don't know what to do, all my other very normal ideas and activities seem so...childish, useless, complete nonsense it all makes me feel stupid because i know I'll go nowhere, only death sounds logical when i know rationally it's not.

I wish i was dead everyday because i dread being what i am, presenting like this, thinking like this.

I don't *want* to die, i wish i never existed.

I wish i was born different.

[bbbl00dd]

When the self hatred gets so bad you have to stab and give youself bruises to feel better:

[bbbl00dd]

Why do people feel entitled to comment on someone else's appearence so freely?

I may not have any clear morals but fuck, even i can tell that's just straight up insensitive and rude. Especially if you know the person you're making the comment about struggles with their self asteem

No way my own family member, who KNOWS DAMN WELL I'm insecure about my appearence straight up commented : "aww why don't you go to a hairstylist and straighten your hair?? I like you better like that, you looked beautiful!"

...

As if I needed someone to step on my confidence once more..what's that supposed to mean?? I was trying to accept my hair but i guess not anymore. I look like shit, you didn't have to remind me. I feel awful now too.

Why comment about my eating habits..and why make a fuss when i tell you to stop? I guess I'm the sensitive one huh

[bbbl00dd]

Told one of them i self harm and for what? Entratainment? Care? Some kind of reaction?

Nothing at all. Got told i need meds and therapy or something bc i'm mentally ill again

I don't know what i wanted to gain from that, i didn't get any satisfaction from it either

It doesn't matter as long as they don't suffer. I shouldn't say anything and play nice just for the sake of everyone else right?

People who commit suicide are cowards afraid of facing their problems and people who hurt themselves are sick morons who go against human preservation and should be medicated until they're 'normal'...

Of course I'm pathetic to them

[bbbl00dd]

Its so cruel keeping me here just to call me a liar

[bbbl00dd]

Went out with fresh sh on my calf, ig it's such a weird place to do it nobody said anything

I don't think I have many fucks left to give

Stabbing my own flesh felt fairly liberating

[bbbl00dd]

What the fuck was i on last week? I don't even know how i spiraled so hard over being minimally triggered lmao

And to think i crashed out enough to almost start posting on 4chan / 8kun(chan) out of desperation pfffff

I'm back into my silly mood, it's all good

[bbbl00dd]

Never browsing that again btw, all i found was porn, white supremacists, pedophiles and..pictures of a corpse

[bbbl00dd]

What the fuck was i on last week? I don't even know how i spiraled so hard over being minimally triggered lmao

And to think i crashed out enough to almost start posting on 4chan / 8kun(chan) out of desperation pfffff

I'm back into my silly mood, it's all good

[bbbl00dd]

I often think about recovery from each of my self-proclaimed addictions, but then i get mixed 'reactions' from my brain, it goes something like;

"You're not even sick. What is there to recover from? You're healthy and clearly alive. You choose to live like this, so suck it up. You're fine and normal"

"I want to live a normal life, this is not okay. I'm not okay"

"If you do, you are a failure at this too. Why give up? You really are good at nothing at all, you are a pathetic and weak. You couldn't do it even if you wanted to.."

"Im tired of being miserable, but I know nothing else"

"Never stop challenging the limits of that stupid mind and body of yours, try to defy nature,other people and structures out of spite. Endure the pain and spit in death's face when it comes for you"

"I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want to die like this. There are some things I still want to do and say. I can't die on the ones who care, I don't have it in me to be this cruel"

"You deserve to be hurt; both in good and bad"

"Im scared of the unknown"

"I don't want to die alone. I can't leave them alone"

"What's the point of all this ? I could just stop if I wanted to.. right??"

[bbbl00dd]

It would be so easy if I could just stab myself and get it over with.

Limb, torso, neck.. ANYWHERE, I DON'T CARE as long as it's full force stabbing into my flesh.

I don't want to keep thinking about this

I don't even want to die, i just can't get rid of the urge

My brain is seriously broken or some shit, why the fuck else would it want me to commit violence for no reason at all

I don't get it? Is it the rush of something I can actually feel like pain and adrenaline in my veins, is that what my brain is searching?

Do i want to feel, really feel, alive instead of barely a corpse letting my own life pass by me? Is that it?

I don't know

[bbbl00dd]

I need to suck it up, I'm fine.

I don't need help, I'm fine.

I'm just an attention seeker because i had a traumatic childhood, and now all i crave is validation to compensate, i'm fine.

I'm completely healthy, I'm fine.

The purple scars,bruises on my hand, hoarse voice, and puffy eyes mean nothing at all, I'm fine.

I'm not sick, i don't look sick, I'm fine.

I'm fine !!

Nobody's gonna die, nothing bad is going to happen, I need to seriously chill out. Killing myself isn't the solution lmao

[bbbl00dd]

Another useless appointment with a psychologist for her to tell me, 'you seem normal to me, you're just autistic!' Until i insisted on how tormented i feel by my own brain

'There is nothing wrong with you, nothing to fix, it's just how you are!'

So you're telling me I'm stuck being like this?? So I'm just fucked permanently for life?

Oh that's good, I'm normal. Just silly ol'brain playing on my memory maybe.. I'm normal!

Doesn't matter much , i'm fine. I don't even need it, this psychological help is bullshit anyway

[bbbl00dd]

I hate myself so much