I'm a work in progress

Depression & Insomnia Recovery | Other Stuff thats on my mind

[be-brian]

I’m so exhausted and I don’t know if this is me telling myself that I need a break or my depression trying to conquer back space i reclaimed

and i don’t know whether i need to push myself through this tiredness or whether i need to rest

but

i decided to push myself a little and then collapse into my bed

and talk to my psychiatrist about it on friday

[memecage]

It do be like that.

[dewdrop-one]

I was having a surprisingly good conversation with my sister recently and I was talking about how one of the reasons I don’t read as much as I used to is because I don’t have the same resources I did when I was a 4th grader. When I was a kid, I could sit and read all I wanted, all I had to to was exist and go where people took me. I didn’t have to feed myself or pay bills or keep track of things, which of course now I have to deal with all of those things so I can’t read as much and tend to read pretty easy to read books. My sister brought up the really good point that, of course I want to read easy books, I’m a young adult, in a very tumultuous phase of life, constantly being thrown new information, my brain doesnt want a classical novel, my brain wants something readable and immersive.

tl;dr don’t feel bad for not reading as much as you used to, it’s okay. Read what you can when you can and don’t stress about the rest

[be-brian]

I'm riding the train to visit my grandmas birthday party and I'm stressed af because I will see my parents there and I don't want to.

But there's two little kids on my train with their grandma sitting in front of me and a moment ago they pretended to be ghosts and glimpsed at me through the gap between their seats and I pretended to be scared and they were so DELIGHTED

And argh i love kids they're so wholesome and they have so much fantasy

[kaleighfratkins]

being a butch means choosing between being misgendered and being treated like shit, it means your heart races and your palms sweat when you walk towards a public bathroom, it means you’re nervous to talk to kids in public because what if their parents think you’re a predator, it means people have no idea how the fuck to talk to you so they just don’t, it means clothes shopping is seven kinds of hell, it means your family’s at least a little bit ashamed of you, it means you were bullied before anybody even knew what “lesbian” meant, it means you’re hungry for even a glimpse of somebody who looks like you and speaks your language, it means strangers calling you a dyke if they have the guts to do more than stare, it means dysphoria and confusion and pain

but it’s worth it all and more to hear a woman call you “handsome”, to lock eyes with a butch stranger who’s not quite your sister and not quite your brother, to step outside in a suit for the first time, to strip off years of disguises and discomfort, to have a “Ring of Keys” moment, to be someone’s “Ring of Keys” moment, to play with a child who doesn’t care what you’re wearing or what’s in your pants, to fight back against the world for once and let go of your shame, to start to like the person you see in the mirror, to dance with a woman, to hold hands with a woman, to kiss a woman, to make love to a woman, to love a woman and be loved in return, to find community and solidarity and home when you never even thought you’d live to see adulthood. I love butches and I love being butch.  

[be-brian]

In light of recent events:

If you criticize someone harshly, you will have to expect a harsh answer. If you are wrong in your criticism because you’re misinformed, that is partially on the people who misinformed you - but as long as you’re capable of double-checking your sources, as long as you have the option of just staying quiet until you have confirmation from more than one source, it is also your responsibility. 

Also: the reason the lesbian community is as divided as it is right now is not someone elses fault. It’s more or less entirely on us.

Also: just because someone criticizes you and you also happen to be a lesbian, it’s not automatically lesbophobia. Maybe you’re just being an idiot..

[buzzfeedlgbt]

“We were just enjoying the music.” (x) Powerful Photo Series Shares The Stories Of Pulse Nightclub Survivors, Family Members, And First Responders

[tisfan]

totally crying

[bregia]

Please read these stories, the survivors’ experiences and pain and beautiful memories of those we lost.

Honor the Pulse victims through remembrance, through action, through legislature.

Never again. Protect our LGBTQ siblings.

[sapphicsandlavenders]

If y’all are here for “soft” and conventionally attractive, white, gender-conforming lesbians, but not here for the butches, the bulldykes, the studs, the GNC lesbians, the lesbians who are strong and proudly masculine, the lesbians who fit the bra-burning “mean hairy dyke” stereotype, fat lesbians, lesbians of color, old lesbians, etc.., then you’re not here for lesbians—you’re here for a cutesy idealized version of lesbianism.

Lesbians are lesbians whether or not you find them personally palatable.

[be-brian]

When I came out to people while I was still presenting very feminine with long hair, skinny jeans and dresses, several people told me that they have no problem with me being a lesbian. As long as I don’t become “one of those lesbians”. You know, “the ones with short hair, who hate men and don’t shave their legs.”

Guess what, I became one of those lesbians. I’ve always been one of them. There were just too many lesbophobic dickheads around for me to realize.

Don’t be an idiot. Support all lesbians.

[karacat]

[filmnoirsbian]

Happy pride month here’s a list of my finest moments as yr friendly neighborhood lesbian flight attendant

When a guy at the hotel bar whom i thought was being nice and genuinely wanted to talk abt superheroes suggestively asked what my room number was and i, in shock, replied “gay”

When a man on the plane grabbed my necklace (a musketball, roughly the circumference of a quarter) and loudly asked “is that a ball gag?” And i, in shock, replied “no im gay”

When a ramper gave his number to the gate agent and told her to give it to me and i said “oh no tell him im gay” and she laughed and said “yea i get that” and i said “no i really am gay” bc heaven forbid she think im straight lol and she said “yea me too”

When a 12yo boy confessed to me that he was nervous abt coming out to his dad as trans so i had a 2 hr long conversation w him and gave him 20 bags of pretzels

When a butch lesbian asked if i was local and i said “no im just here for the night” and she said “oh, what kind of a night do you want it to be? 😘”

When i told the other FA (straight woman, 40s) i was gay and she immediately launched into an emotional story about the sapphic love affair she had at an away camp when she was 18

When my captain told me he was in a ldr and i said “oh me too” and he said “yeah, my partner’s a man tho” and i said “oh mine’s a woman” and he had a look of surprised gay elation

When the whole crew went out for drinks and realized all but one of us were lgbt and we all turned to the (straight) captain and he looked like this: 😬

When a butch ramp agent found out i was gay and gave me her number and i said “oh im taken” and she said “that’s fine i just need more gay friends”

When i came out to my (straight) captain and he said “but……you don’t wear pants…”

When i (drunk) and my first officer (drunk) started gushing abt how much we love our girlfriends and our captain (not drunk) said “you two should have a double wedding” so we spent the rest of the night planning one and made a joint wedding registry on amazon

[be-brian]

The past two weeks have been amazing, I’ve been working at a carpentry and it boosted my mental health so much? Also the people were really nice and I had structure in my day and yeah it was great. They offered me a job and (potentially) a spot next year where I can properly learn how to be a carpenter. And I’m like so incredibly grateful? Things are finally getting better?

However, I have three weeks to pass until I can start working for them. And that’s good for the stuff I have to organize (insurance, bank, clothing etc.) but I’m mildly terrified by the prospect of having to structure the day independently for such a long time. I can already feel myself slipping into depression again but! I can’t! let! it! happen! I know I can do it, it’ll just be so fucking hard and I’m already tired. I’ll try my best and hold myself accountable. The finish line is already in view.

[thepowerwithin]

[be-brian]

‘well the younger generation needs to adjust their expectations’ says my 50 yo aunt who owns a 3-story house surrounded by gardens while I am out here in my 1-room basement apartment getting buyers remorse over spending 4 euros on asparagus once a year

[hollandroos]

to everyone who is in recovery right now for something, i want you to to know that i’m so proud of you. you’re so strong, keep on moving ✨

[sunflowerbutch]

my advice if you’re going to send someone an ask like “can i be butch and ___” “can i be femme and ____” is to, instead, just do exactly what you want to do with your gender presentation and not ask permission because like, no random blogger on tumblr dot gov gets the authority to decide what you’re “allowed” to do

[sandersstudies]

*wrapping you in a blanket* stop putting yourself down sweetie.

“But it’s tru-”

*handing you a cookie* maybe, but it still doesn’t help you at all, not to recover or to feel better

“But I don’t know how to be positive about mysel-”

*putting the kettle on* right, that’s because it’s really hard and not something that enough kids are actively taught. You have to start in the neutral, with statements like “I am a person” or “this is what I made today,” or finding tiny things you like about yourself, like your eyes or your music taste or the way you leave long comments on fan fiction or how you can always get dogs to trust you.

“But sometimes I mess up or I forge-”

*putting tea leaves in the tea pot* of course you do, that’s human nature, and healing isn’t linear. Don’t put yourself down about that imperfection either, just decide to try again tomorrow.

“But I don’t deserve to feel bette-”

*pouring hot water into the teapot* all human beings deserve basic respect and the ability to live their lives, and being kind to yourself will almost certainly help you be kind to others and become an even better person.

“But I-”

*handing you a cup of tea* baby, listen, there are no objections. You deserve good things and that includes good thoughts in your head — that’s a gift you can grant yourself with time. I believe in you. Hug?

[be-brian]

08/05/19

Incredibly tired and frustrated rn.

I got discharged from semi-stationary nearly two months ago and even though I feel like I’m doing fine on organizing my life on my own and motivation/mood/concentration are actually coming back quite well, I feel like uni isn’t working out whatsoever. Even though I’m on track with the lecture notes, the weekly assignments are stressing me out a lot and I tend to just avoid doing them, so I’ve fallen behind. I also avoid doing them cause thinking maths, while I love it, exhausts me so much that I have no brain power left for anything else.

I feel like even if I manage to get through university eventually, I won’t be able to do maths for a living simply because it’s a too demanding subject and I need resources for other aspects of my life as well.

I’m not the type of person who can live for maths alone and I feel like I would have to.

But no decisions tonight. I’ll talk it through with my psychiathrist next week and probably start looking for alternatives.

[zntoast]

The boys are back in town! Ben belongs to one of the genuinely good people i know, @be-brian ! 

Someone’s got vomit on their shoes.