After settling down in the biodome, Grace wakes up in a cold sweat, heart racing, reaching out ahead of him for something that isn't there.
He goes over to Simon's room and asks him if he can watch him sleep. Rationally, he knows both of them will be completely fine. They have plenty of food, they have a house, no more life-threatening events are happening, etc. But a small part of Grace tells him that if he lets go of the tight grasp he had on Simon back when they were on the Hail Mary, Simon will vanish.
Simon tells him he's ok. His nightmares are getting better and better, he knows all of this is real deep in his bones, he doesn't doubt things as much, he knows that Grace appreciates him, and all of that. So he tells Grace to go back to bed. They're ok, they'll be ok. They'll both be here in the morning and the beach will be outside of their door waiting for them.
Grace wakes up again. Same nightmare, same fears of letting go.
The next morning, Simon comments on how tired Grace looks. Grace is irritated, but he can't be irritated at Simon, or else Simon will leave.
So he tells him calmly that he is and shrugs.
Simon hesitates for a bit, then finally speaks up a few minutes later. He's not used to being the first to speak, the one to initiate. He likes talking with Grace, but usually Grace is the one who brings him something to think about.
"I don't like it when you pity me."
Grace is startled slightly, having zoned out and also not expecting the conversation. "I don't. Never did."
"Then what was last night? Asking to watch me sleep. Are you that afraid I'm going to fall apart?" Simon looks at Grace incredibly critically. He's looking for any indications of Grace lying, of him hiding anything.
"No! No." Grace trails off, "I'm the one falling apart."
There's a long bout of silence. Simon can't quite believe what he's just heard, and he's also baffled at the lack of reaction on Grace's face.
This is unusual. Grace wears his emotions on his face; he can't usually hide any of it. Simon's never seen... this. It's numbness. It's acceptance.
"What?" Simon finally speaks up again.
"Comfort isn't stable. It doesn't stay. We're happy now, but one day it won't be the same. Maybe the dome will fail. Maybe they'll run out of resources to spend on us. Rocky will ask us to leave, go back to earth."
In the past, it was usually Simon who was scared to have all of this taken away in the blink of an eye. That he'd wake up from a nice dream into the nightmare he'd been living back on that moon.
He didn't know what to say about this.
"I was comfortable before. I always get comfortable, but it never stays." There are tears now running down Grace's face.
"I was getting comfortable in the routine we had in the Mary. But I knew we couldn't stay there forever. We needed a better life than that. And that was fine-
Before that, I was comfortable just being a biologist. Someone that knew a lot about astrophage. But no, I was the only one that could save the stars. So they dragged me in the Mary kicking and screaming.
Before that, I was comfortable teaching my kids back on earth. But I was needed. I needed to help them save the stars, so I did, cuz I had a point to prove. Stupid thesus-
Before that, I was comfortable being a student, I learned well, it was a nice. I liked the routine, the studying, the people. I had a plan and I knew where I was going to go. But then I had to make that stupid thesus. Ruined my life.
Before that, it was cozy. I had a nice big family. But then my parents died, and my siblings couldn't handle it, so they turned to drugs, and violence, and- what ever they ended up doing, leaving me behind.
It never stays. Comfort is always fleeting. And I'm afraid that the first thing to go will be you."
At this point Grace is sobbing. It's honestly surprised how he's able to push through the sobs to speak without tripping over his own tongue.
Simon blinks out of his frozen state when Grace takes a breath and walks up to him to engulf him into a tight hug. Of course, Grace hugs back. When has Grace ever turned down a hug?
"So, it's me. I'm afraid you'll die without me getting there in time to help, or suffer through something alone and hate me for not being there, or I'm afraid that if I get mad at you by accident, you'll never want to see me again."
Simon's head is still rushing with all of this new information. He tries to find ways to comfort Grace like Grace usually did with him when he had bad days, but the words never come.
"I-I'm sorry." Grace stutters for the first time. That's it, he's gone. He won't be able to make a speech like that again. If let alone speak coherently at all.
Grace's knees wobble. Simon shuffles them over to the living room and sits them on the couch. Grace cries till his tears dry out, and even then, he continues to dry sob. It takes him hours to calm down, and by then, he's passed out in Simon's arms.
How long had Grace been holding onto that? During their whole stay on the Mary, Grace had been happy. He'd been Simon's rock. Even when they landed, Grace was excited about the Biodome. He was happy and content when they settled into their house. He'd been happy... Right?
Simon isn't sure how he'll handle this just yet, but if Grace could be strong for him for so long, he could be strong for Grace, too.
