Normalizing grief. Death and Dying.
This video and the evolution of this personal narrative. The video is good food.
I don't know when the switch came on for me when the experience of coming alongside someone as their life shifted from no more options to the road to hospice or pending death or in some cases immediate experience of death before me.
The last two being with both my husband as well as my father immediately dying before me (2013 & 2020)...was other worldly shock.
However something supernatural clicked for me with in my mid 20s. Prior to that the most excruciating sorrow came when I learned of 3 deaths in a row when I was a teenager - all beautiful people (ages 19-25; great families great people) all innocent. It was blisteringly painful to experience as a friend and froze me in fear (consider the ache of the families - beyond my imagination). I still hold the gift of their beautiful spirit tucked in my gratitude chest in my mind. Two of the three were childhood friends. Third a church friend of a friend.
#Listening to this 3 minute #video below I wished had someone to say these things as fear and grief nearly suffocated me.
That experience with friends differed from an earlier incident within my own family. When my paternal grandmother died, shock, bewilderment and fear came in uninvited.
It was a different kind of stunned experience as an adolescent. The process was debilitating because what do you know as a kid? A 1970s kid about sudden death?
However with my paternal grandmother it was my first experience of the transition from full shock sadness (she died in the hospital) to finding a space divinely appointed by God to allow all my best memory joy, learnings, her voice, us on her Harlem sofa, or at the supermarket, church, walking down the street, bus outings out of state, family events and the stoop and the stories and the old wives tales and food, her scents of love, our movie critiques and the late late late show, so many reams of stories--that deposit did not, could not and would not leave at her burial but lives in me. I loved her so much and even though she had 8 grandchildren and I was 3rd on the charts, she always made me feel like my presence need not ever feel like a competition among her grandchildren. Grandma Miller died when I was a new wife and mother. Seeing her in the casket, something clicked and really reverberated that who she is to me will always resonate a sacred bond death couldn't touch.
My grandmothers and my MOTHER are some of the most sacred people to have ever touched my life. I don't write alot about them and it's almost like this treasure I hold as my own. Anything good in me has its roots, water and feed from God's love and instruction poured out like grace on me. I still only tell droplets of the sacred things my heart holds about my mother. Almost 7 yrs later after her death and I still hold her in ways like my sisters--uniquely our mother whom we shared and yet holding details specifically important to our connection with her love. We were very fortunate to have had her physically and these sacred touches.
These love vibrations differs in many ways from my always preaching "where's the justice" narrative. But in many ways justice is love.
It is also extremely important to mention the roles of aunts and cousins and the love/sorrow impact. As those important people who helped shaped who we are left this earth faster than we ever imagined, leaving us not always vocalizing the swirls of no echoing against the announcement and acceptance, reluctant acceptance of reality...I glean from their impact and thank God for the harvest of love.
I recently experienced being in the presence of a dear family less than 2 weeks ago. Some of the most profound conversations are found in silence, prayer, songs and appreciation. Being hospital bedside in fellowship my cousin allowed a supernatural presence of God's love family connection and even staff.
My cousin was a beautiful human and I saw her beauty that no hospital setting could snatch. Her face poised and beautiful. Learning about someone near death is hard, showing up is not just a physical act, it's the pause to remember, to mourn, to celebrate how these people we loved, to thank them for allowing fellowship with them. To embrace what was admired; long, short, tumultuous or hilarious; and/or great, memorable combinations of connections and allowing with help (professional secular or spiritual) to guide/support/ discover how this lets me and others embrace how we can nurture these bonds even after their death(s). I will add that I still remember many of the named and unnamed people I've lost on a regular basis. A former coworker friend revolutionary funny deeply Christian (TG) and an actress touched my life in such a profound way. It wasn't always an easy work friendship but the gems I got from her still shine. I can't pass 125st or civil rights without thinking of her. Another dear friend RC who loved the Lord who is smiling from heaven I'm sure as her daughter and son in law lead a Florida church, a testimony of the fruit of God's love creating opportunities to begin ministry.
However my most profound connection is my mother's wise words every single day rise up to remind me. I experience such profound amazement of how tied I am to her care and the knowing "rest & energy" that provides.
Death couldn't steal that.
Thank you God, Son and Holy Spirit.
I have this need to not bypass the topic of grief by placating in avoidance lots of super happy posts. I leave that for the people who grieve offline, differently or saturate themselves with avoidance on this topic. We are all at different stages and places and state that to say our lives differ and no shame is implied or applied.
Make room for discomfort or uncomfortable people. There's healing work possibilities in these broken places.
I do not nor did not feel sadness, melancholy writing this piece. I felt compelled to write it as a reminder to not let Death's sting be your anchor or mine but a road to revitalize the very best thank you's and non shaming of discussing morbid topics. It gets a little trickier adding scriptures (out of context) like: "Let the dead bury the dead" or "Forget what was behind because something new is ahead" -- which can act as a substitution for silencing the bereaved, the stuck and the depressed.
We can move on and still honor the contributions of the past.
Grief processing can uniquely provide hope.
https://youtu.be/1GwpFQmXois
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