hey, im currently living with the abusive father you have described in the past. Any tips on making it out of here alive?
Jesus. Okay, so: write everything down. Any time something happens, write down the date, time, location, what was said, what happened, who was there, whatever you can. Hide it in a book, email it to yourself or someone you trust, whatever. Keep a paper trail going, just in case you need it down the road.
Next: do whatever you need to do to become independent and move out. This sounds scarier and harder than it is- I recommend finding a roommate, getting an online bank account, and taking courses like WHMIS, Foodsafe, etc. Online whenever possible. If you're in school, take a practical class if you can- higher education is great for highbrow work, but jobs will always have openings for manual labour. If you have something like welding or foodsafe under your belt, in addition to a driver's licence, you're pretty much good to go.
Do not underestimate the value of your local library. Public libraries are where you can go for study, computer work, printing and filling resumes, and getting assistance for whatever you can't do yourself.
I personally have a hard time clearly remembering day to day life from when I lived at home, but I do recall... Shit. Like.... Feeling empty? Empty and sharp and angry and scared? Indignant, too. Vindictive. But I also started developing a dependence on conflict to manage my stress, and that took a long time to get out of.
Also, a heads up: once you get out, things will probably seem great for a while, but don't be surprised if after a few months of safety and relative stability your mental health takes a sudden dive. Whatever wasn't safe to possess during your time at home often resurfaces once your brain feels secure to do so-
read up on signs and symptoms of anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress, hypervigilance, anxiety and panic attacks, projection, and dissociation.
Be prepared to speak to a doctor about it- keep a record of your mental and physical health when that happens. If the first doctor you see says anything about medication being "chemical crutches" or "hysteria blowing things out of proportion", go a different doctor. Find one that listens to what you say and is respectful when giving advice and opinions. If they disagree with your thinking, they should do so politely, and without making you feel irrational or dramatic.
Next.... What really changed my life for the better was time, cognitive processing exercises, and enrolling in a self-defense class.
Learning to recognize my own irrational thought patterns resulting from my abuse was fundamental to avoid spiralling into self-destruction, and self-defense gave me back the sense of autonomy and confidence I didn't realize had atrophied.
I won't lie- I'm not strong or fast or skilled enough to actually win a fight if someone intends to do me harm, but almost as valuable is the awareness that I am now *allowed* to defend myself. Encouraged, even! When someone touches me without my permission, I don't have to grit my teeth and wait it out. I now have the knowledge that I am able to react in self-defense, which seems obvious, but there is a very great difference between *knowing* and *comprehending*, after all. Working through that with other people certainly made that click.
Most importantly: the future probably feels very murky and abstract and far away, right now. But no matter what happens, your future will become your present, and you have in you the power to be whoever you want to be.
Life will bring you wonders you aren't yet equipped to comprehend, and that is a very encouraging truth.
I promise that you haven't yet imagined the good things waiting for you on the other side of the wall.
Please stay safe, and take care. I wish you the best of luck
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