Behind Her Mask

She takes off her mask and reveals the secrets she has kept buried within for all to see. She shares her inner thoughts, her dreams, her pain...This is her truth.

[written-in-pen]

“Loving somebody is not the hard part, it is deciding whether or not you are as good for them as they are for you.

— E. Grin

[poemswords]

[behindhermask-blog]

I wish I had the power to be my own source of happiness. 

[thewanderingmillennial]

It’s the best decision you can make.

[behindhermask-blog]

Learning.

[behindhermask-blog]

Restoration

My chest is heavy but my heart is full. I think that phrase pretty much sums up how I feel right about now. It always goes from one extreme to the next – the good, the bad, the often over-anxious.

The bad often comes in the form of my occupation. My stress-levels are forever in the balance. 

Most days I drown. 

As I struggle through another day of drafting documents or sitting through client meetings, I picture myself in my current state – a square peg trying desperately to fit herself into round holes; but every single effort made only brings about new scars, dents and dings to her perfectly square structure. With every passing day, the hope that one day I won’t long for closing; that I will begin to reap the fruits of my labour; that it will get better – that hope lessens.

And then there’s the good – in my life, that is best-represented in my relationship.

Being fully-embraced at the end of a stressful day or talking for hours at a time on the phone and being able to forget all my worries…if only for that time; being unafraid to show the real me, the dorky, clumsy, over-emotional and often-times foolish me and loving someone with every fibre of my being so selflessly, so freely, so beautifully and feeling that kind of love in return. That is what makes my heart most full.

Recognizing that love withstands even the tumult of everyday life saves me every time. It restores the hope lost from all previous days of bad. 

[behindhermask-blog]

Heavy

I really hate that I depend so much on others in order to feel something... something other than emptiness but most days I feel so unbearably lonely. Most days I feel as though I am living for so many different people, trying to meet their expectations; trying endlessly to prove my worth.  

There are days, the sadness consumes me, takes over my entire being leaving no room to breathe. I try to grasp on to some remainder of myself but it’s not there. I try to regain control over my mind but it doesn’t take my command. I try to lift my head above water but it fills my lungs.  

This load I carry, will I ever be able to lay it down?

[behindhermask-blog]

Consuming Thoughts

We have our highs and we have our lows but I guess I’m not here for today’s low. At least, I don’t think so. 

It’s just that lately I have been having these recurring thoughts that graze the back of my mind ever so often. They question you. They question this. They question these questions. 

The thing is I just don’t know if I will have any fight; any will; any love left after you - and this ‘after’ seems near inevitable. You see before you I was already on the brink. And with you it just seems to me that I want this thing to work more than you do. And with you it seems so difficult now because you have easily become my best friend. And with you I don’t think I will ever be satisfied with being just friends. 

But without you I don’t see myself anymore. 

[behindhermask-blog]

Playing with Flames

I have put my hand in the fire too many times   But now I have definitely learned my lesson.  Every move I make will be for me alone. 

[behindhermask-blog]

A Letter to Him on February 14th

For these past couple of months, there have been so many happenings in my life that I am grateful for to this day but none of those events truly measure up to the day we really met. 

There was just that instant connection between us; we clicked on such a personal level.

You are a huge pain to the derierre and I would not want it any other way. 

I like that you always make me think...even about things I would have never given a second thought to. I like that you make me feel like throwing all inhibition to the wind whenever I’m with you. Most importantly, I like that I become visibly happier with every minute I spend with you.

All that preamble to say that I really like you, you handsome, thoughtful, passionate and opinionated man.

Thank you for being my Valentine. 

[behindhermask-blog]

Restart

I thought it would be near impossible For me to start all over again To return to the mouth Of the river After making what seemed  To be so much headway

But after swimming upstream  After wearing myself out By giving my love away  With no hope for it’s return I finally turned my back I changed my direction And caught sight of a chance And followed it.

It took me completely off course But for the first time  In what seemed like decades I woke up from my nightmare Of forever being trapped In neglect, turmoil and self-destruction

I woke up from all those things: the embodiment of him And was able to put an end To the nightmare and dream

It was in those dreams  That I found you It was in those dreams That I was able to find myself You awakened a love I thought I had lost forever: Love of self

You were able to show me That when you are at your wit’s end With a love that does not reciprocate Restart your journey  And destiny will shine light  On your truth.  

Let go and let God.

[behindhermask-blog]

Broken

I don't know how I expected or even why I expected a different result.

What I know is that I am broken  So completely So obviously So irreparably broken. 

I knew I was on the path to destruction but I continued on my journey down that road. I prayed on it and kept plodding on to that dead-end. Now I am here, once so full of something, I am here without much else left in me.

[behindhermask-blog]

Sometimes the best response is no response.

Author unknown

[behindhermask-blog]

Questions not yet answered

You know I still wonder if things would be different had I stayed and I still question how things will be when I return. 

Would everything change just because I’m here now? 

These questions consume my mind in these last days. Will I be pleased when they are answered?

[behindhermask-blog]

But.

What I need more than anything else is to take the final couple of steps in acknowledging that you did not love me. Not once. 

I cannot stay in the constant state of hope for flames to ignite once more. There is none. 

I cannot put my life on standstill for you any longer. 

I cannot continue to live in what was.

I cannot continue to want that which I cannot have.

Our romance...it was tumultuous. It was bewildering. It was...It was beautiful.  

But it is over. 

[behindhermask-blog]

Final Exam

When something seems far away, it is always easy to take those first few steps in an effort to attain it but when something is so close that you could almost taste it, those last couple of steps are the hardest ones you will ever take. 

I think that best describes my progression to the finish line. My first two years in undergrad were a breeze - I felt unstoppable. During the exam period I always felt a little tense and a lot on edge but during the semester, with every assignment, presentation and quiz, I felt pretty confident in my abilities. It was the last year, I began to doubt everything. 

Similarly, in law school, the first year passed by with little issue. My last was the real struggle. Every hurdle felt near insurmountable. Legal aid, court visits and reports, assignments, seminars, mock trials - it felt like a pile of endless burden. The worst of them all being preparation for my final exams. 

I made sure I kept up with the pace of my seminars, ensured I took good notes, simplified them into powerpoint presentations, diagrams, post-its. You name the method I probably used it. However, as the weeks drew nearer to my exams, the worry and doubt grew bigger. I would wake up and literally suffer two or three anxiety attacks throughout the day. 

There was no reason for me to hold myself captive to fear and self-doubt yet I couldn’t help it. This was the last walk in my five year journey and I could really feel the pressure. With every successful paper I wrote, the worry did not stop. In fact, it intensified. I thought I am going to mess this up somehow. 

I didn’t. At least I don’t feel like I did. 

Through God and with the help of the best support system ever on my side, I was able to surmount what I thought was insurmountable. Five years of my legal education and training are finally behind me and DAMN IT FEELS GOOD! 

I only pray now for successful results.  

[behindhermask-blog]

Memories

I thought things would get easier with the passage of time but they haven’t. The nights get lonelier each day. Memories of us and how I felt when you held me close are still alive in my head and your touch against the warmth of my body still lingers on in my mind. These memories are fading but for some reason unknown I don’t want them to.

They are the last pieces of you, the person I need to move on from...yet I hold on to them. I don’t want to want you. I need to not want you. I want to move on from this before it destroys me.  

[behindhermask-blog]

We can no longer be friends

Today was the day I broke it off once and for all. 

Initially, I had planned to take it in stages, reduce contact with him over time. However, as days passed, and everyday facing the same inner-turmoil and everyday having to coax myself out of reaching out to him, I realized there was no easy way to do this. I had to cut myself off completely for my own sake. For my own sanity. 

Truth be told, this was no easy feat. When he responded to my greeting message, a simple ‘good night’, I could feel the cold sweat begin to form. Despite everything, despite knowing that things were already over between us, I wanted to back out. I formed and reformed and typed and retyped what I wanted to say over and over before finally pressing send. 

“We can no longer be friends...” I started and before long I had put a couple of sentences together. 

We parted ways on amicable terms. I deleted his number from my phone and then I sat and reminisced on what once was. And for the first time in months, I allowed the tears to just roll off my cheeks and fall. 

I was mourning the death of my false sense of hope. I was mourning the death of a friendship that could have never taken root when we were once so much greater than just friends. 

Goodbye to my first.

[behindhermask-blog]

The Key to Happiness

We break up and make up to break up again. 

It’s like this never-ending cycle and I guess when it comes down to it, you can say I am the one at fault. 

I allowed myself for the third time this year to be roped back into a loveless relationship. It makes me think that I must really hate myself. It makes me think that I believe how he treats me, like I’m nothing, is how I deserve to be treated. 

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t always like this. And I guess that is part of the reason why I keep running back. Perhaps, I figure that one day he is just going to do a complete 180 and revert into the person I once knew. The man I fell for. Perhaps, one day he is going to realize that I truly love and would do anything for him and that will convince him to return some semblance of the love we once had. 

But even after he has proved to me over and over and over again that he has not changed and that we will never be what we used to be. I keep playing myself for a fool and going back to him. Despite everyone telling me to end things there, to take care of myself...I somehow just keep falling into the same path to self-destruction. 

The key to happiness was never in finding him and trying to restore what we once had and what he didn’t care to work at. The key to my happiness was in leaving that poisonous past behind and moving on. 

So why, even though I know this, even though I have it ingrained in the back of my mind, I sink back into the same old lousy pattern? Why is it that I torture myself with chasing something that is near-illusive. Something I can’t hold on to. Someone I will never have. My key to happiness...I cannot reach it.