Road Bill

Thoughts, Observations & Ramblings from the Road

[billboronkay]

Hardwood Floor Ban

     Anything more overrated than a hardwood floor?  Sure they’re pretty and maybe it’s fun to watch your dog skate across them, but Fido slides better on linoleum.  Besides, it’s the floor, why are you looking down, how negative are you?  On top of that, hardwood floors scratch and if you’re in an apartment you get to know your neighbors way too well.  You hear everything.  Only took a couple of days to learn my upstairs neighbor has sleep apnea so now I do.  Every little noise is magnified.  Thank God he’s not dating right now.  You can’t enjoy watching football in your own home.  Come out Monday morning, downstairs neighbor’s just looking at you.  “Uh, kind of tough one, huh?”  Ever try to watch football controlled?  It’s the worst.  The whole point of being a fan is releasing every disappointment that’s built in your life under the guise that you’re pissed at an interception.  “How did he not see the linebacker?  You can do better…did you?  You left me for a damn elementary school music teacher.  Really sexy the way he rocks a triangle?   Make the tackle.”

    With hardwood floors, neighbors can hear, so you have to keep all of that bottled up.  It just keeps building until you have an aneurism, after months of physical therapy you’re finally back home where your wife’s complaining your wheelchairs scuffing the floor.   How much different would your life be if you just installed wall to wall berber?  You're sleeping, you get that healthy release every Sunday and your neighbors are practically strangers, the way God intended it. You’re probably running marathons at 50.  Hardwood floors are a health hazard.

    Not convinced?  OK, you’re a home owner, cross off coming in late.  Every floor has spots that creek.  You can’t get around then.  It’s like a burglar alarm except it prevents you from stealing one night of fun.  Come home, carefully open and close the door that you’ve prepped with multiple cans of WD40.  Place jacket on your hook, first step, fine.  Second step, you’re gonna make it, third…Creak, ”Babe…”  Welcome to the next hour of your life. Ever try to explain a fun night to a half awake spouse/partner, that doesn’t realize they’re only half awake?  Worst conversations ever.

    You have hardwood floors, forget being a Cowboys fan…c’mon, every year we expect good things.  Hardwood floors pretty much limit you to rooting for the Patriots.  For a decade every other team in their division has sucked.  That’s pretty much six wins a year before even look at the rest of your schedule.  As a Patriots fan, you can actually fly on an NFL Sunday.

    Try flying on a Sunday during football season.  You’re all excited, “I’m going to watch the game, travel will breeze buy.”   Got your headphones on, iPad on tray, not to making eye contact with anyone so they don’t have an opening to start talking to you.  First roughing the passer call your realize, you realize, you may be the only Cowboys fan on this plane.  Flight attendants surround you,  ready to drag you down the aisle like some asian doctor refusing to give up a seat he bought.  You’re so pissed off, you’d welcome it except but you’re at 35,000 feet.  Everyone’s got their phones out, recording.  On plus side going viral could help my career.

[billboronkay]

Not so New Mexico

     I’ve been to New Mexico a number of times over the past few years.  Most of my trips to the state have been left me in awe of the amazing mountains and kind people.   This is written with love and after my recent journey, a little bewilderment.

    First, the price of rental cars in Albuquerque was astounding.  After shopping for weeks, I finally settled on the best deal I could find, which was still about 50% higher than I paid recently in Newark, NJ.  Since the Support is a smaller airport (which I love), I wondered if it was pricey because they only had say 5 cars that they rent.  The rental place told me it was a busy weekend due to hunting, fishing and the Balloonfest that was coming up in two weeks.  Realize balloons aren’t the fastest form of travel, but wouldn't they float above traffic?  Should’ve rented one of those (my stuff would fit in a basket).

    I was given a VW Beetle.  It was quite different from the cars I normally get.  Took a while how to figure out how to open the trunk.  Also, whenever you put the key in, the windows would sound like they dropped a little.  Not sure what that feature’s about.  German engineering is praised for Mercedes and BMW, but no one really mentions their work with the VW’s.  Driving this little gem reminded me of the ‘75 Scirocco I owned in college.  Cool looking, spunky car that once when I was driving home, the wipers and horn decided they were in charge.  From what I understand, Germany didn’t want to start the second world war, but one of Hitler’s cars honked on it’s own, triggering troops to invade Poland.  I wasn’t a history major.

    The first stop on this trip was in Mescalero, NM, about 3 hours from the airport.  The little VW actually had some pick up (didn’t realize it was a Turbo).  We were off.  Once you get out of the greater Albuquerque area you quickly sense you’re pretty much alone…and this state has a lot of dirt.  There’s dirt covering everything.  Not sure what the state symbol is but they could change it to a broken Dustbuster.  Once my portfolio grows I’m going to invest in a car wash.  

    There are some interesting sites on the journey like, The Rock Store.  Not black light posters or Ronnie James Dio t-shirts, a road side stand that sells rocks.  Guessing the gravel along the rest stops can’t be good for business.  

    Speaking of rest stops, there are picnic table areas along US 380.  Nice, but we notice there are no bathrooms at these.  Not even a portalet.  Stop for a picnic, but don’t drink too much…or sweat a lot.  There aren’t even bushes nearby, but at least the picnic tables were chained down.  Not sure how much used picnic tables get on the black market, but you’re going to have to work to get one on eBay.

    Mescalero seems like a nice, small town with emphasis on outdoorsy activities.  We were working at the resort, which has amazing views of the mountains and golf course.  It’s also a casino.  It’s a great hotel, which apparently guests book while they go hunting.  That or wearing camo helps you sneak up on a blackjack dealer.  Thought I saw a deer tied to the top of a slot machine.

    Like the others we met in New Mexico, the people of Mescalero were warm and fun.  Shared laughs and a meal and the next day we were on our way back to Albuquerque.  On the drive back a friend noticed a sign we didn’t see on the way out, “US 380 subject to closure due to missile firing.”  Should’ve rented a faster car.

    Back in Albuquerque, which is like pretty much most other medium size American cities, with better scenery and more dust.  Friendly people, everything you need and incredible views.  Woke up Saturday morning in a high rise hotel, pulled open the curtains and saw a bunch of balloons in the distance.  Not a bad way to avoid an expensive rental car.  Would be a little scary when you got near the airport or US 380.

[billboronkay]

Overly Friendly Skies

     We all complain about the decline in customer service but have you seen any changes? Countless hours are lost screaming, "Speak to Representative" at automated operators, eating the wrong order (not brave enough to send something back) or waiting for an associate to fix yet another issue with self checkout.

    I'll stand in a longer line to avoid self checkout but apparently stores have prepared for this.  One of my former favorite stores revamped their checkout, naturally increasing self checkout lanes while decreasing traditional lanes.  Every visit, there are less cashiers.  Determined to avoid the automation (on moral grounds:  cutting jobs and naturally selfish grounds:  they usually screw up anyway, causing more frustration and costing more time), I stood in line for a traditional checkout.  When it was my turn, I started to put some cat litter on the belt (yes, cat litter, I'm a real bad ass..it's a long story) and the cashier said, "No!"  Not, "Leave it in the cart, I'll scan it there," just "No!"  A)  It's not that heavy.  B)  I can put it back in the cart after she rings it up if she finds it heavy.  C)  Her tone of voice was inappropriate and finally D) She should consider joining a gym.  The rest of the transaction continued with the same mood.  Apparently to convince us to go to self checkout, stores are emphasizing their bitchiest cashiers .  That or the cashier was just having a bad day but that would take the fun out of my story.  The point is, we're so used to bad/rude service that it throw us off when we're treated with respect.

       The other day, I had an early morning flight.  Small plane, one flight attendant who naturally is in a good mood as we board.  Before I could ask, the flight attendant says there's an open row behind me and I can have it if I want.   Nice.  During the drink service, he asks if I want an extra bag of maple wafers (love those things but damn, can't afford the empty calories), but they go great with coffee.  As he's making his first trash collection run, I ask if it would be possible to get a refill to which he says, "This is America, anything is possible" (not sure how he handles international flights), stops his collection, goes back and brings me another coffee.  What a pleasant, fun person.  A few minutes later, I'm looking over notes for work (yes, i was actually being productive), he pops up, like some flight attendant ninja, takes my half empty coffee and replaces it with a new cup.  "The pot that this was made in isn't as good, I made a fresh pot in the other coffee maker.  You'll like it a lot more."  Does he know we're not allowed to tip flight attendants?  The service was so caring and pleasant, I'm thinking there must be an engine malfunction.  This is the same airline that dragged a doctor off a plane because they oversold the flight.  

      It’s so rare to get good service that when we do,  we don't know how to handle it.  I didn't know if he was just really good at his job or he was hitting on me.  5 days later, I'm still not sure but from now on whenever I travel, I'm wearing my tight jeans.

[billboronkay]

Mall Walking

     One of the most difficult parts of being a traveling entertainer is lodging, which is why we're so fortunate to have a discovered Ignite Hospitality Services.  Yes, that's some blatant sucking up.  Even with the unbelievable deals we get on hotel rooms (more sucking up) there are still those instances where it makes more sense to drive home after a show.  If the show isn't extremely late and it's under 4 hours away, it's worth it to check out and save a night of lodging.  

    The biggest challenge is being "homeless for the day."  Many hotels will give you a late check out, which helps, but even if you get a 1p check out, you're probably going to have to entertain yourself for 4 hours or so before you can show up to the club.  Many entertainers go to movies.  That hasn't been for me, basically because, I find most movies disappointing.  I've been bored during most of the superhero movies.  It's not that I wont take the ride, I'm willing to buy into a radioactive spider give you powers (though I don't understand why Peter Parker had to create his own web spinning thingys).  It's just that they have pretty weak scripts.  So much time is spent on chase and fight scenes.  Am I the only one in the theater that's bored?  At least when Adam West fought you'd get cool "Bams" and "Whaps."  His fights also didn't take 20 minutes.

    For all the bragging about special effects and CGI's is there anything less watchable than the Hulk?  Go ahead, have your big effects but how about writing a good story?  Still hoping for a Wonder Twins movie.  "Form of $17 popcorn."  "Shape of, annoying talking dude in the row behind you."  

    After sitting in a Starbucks for longer than socially acceptable, I often make my way to a mall.  I spent much of my youth as a mall rat.  Now, for the most part, malls seem pretty sad.  Clinging onto the past while shopping habits continue to shift.  

    Regardless, it's a place to roam around and Saturday, I was killing time in a mall in Oakland, MI (just outside Detroit).  I'm in a JC Penney (don't mean to brag) and saw a shirt I liked but decided it was too long (I made fun of Untuckit in a previous blog), so passed on it.  I wandered over to the clearance section.  After a couple minutes, I was approached by a young man.  Turns out, he's trying to raise money to go to a school.  He had some kind of paper that was supposed to prove to me it's real.  He said he had pretty high GPA (don't remember what it was) said he was going into business and something about his goals.  Fine, but he was real mumbly.  OK, not everyone's outgoing but I could barely understand him.  That said, I'm an easy mark for people asking for money (for some reason, I have a ton of guilt).  I finally had to ask him if he was looking for a donation.  He said yes, so now I've closed his deal for him on myself.  I don't have any singles, ask if he has change and he pulls out a single, saying that's all he has.  I wish him luck and he walks away.  Not sure if I was supposed to chase him down to get change (after all, I was already his closer).  

     As optimistic as I am about today's youth (they totally get a bad rap), I'm concerned about this young man.  He gave up easily and worse than that, he was looking for donations in a JC Penney (couldn't at least try Macy's?).  On top of that, he was working the clearance section.  Business major?  Guessing he was from a public school

     OK, it was probably a scam but is it too much to ask for a little effort.  That said, still probably more entertaining than spending two hours listening that Groot thing from Guardians of the Galaxy.  Then again, there's a lot to be said for green Zoe Saldana.

[billboronkay]

Service Plazas

     For years, collateral damage of travel, especially by car, has been health.  It's just that you're sitting in the car for hours at a time, but the effect on your food consumption.  Boredom often leads to snacking...a lot.  

    For a veteran traveler, snacks have to be easy to consume and neat. OK, maybe the neat part's just me, but I can't handle a messy car.  Seriously, I'll never understand how drivers can be surrounded by empty bags, wrappers, cans and bottles.  How do you get comfortable around that?  Oddly, the messiest cars I've come across are owned by women.  It's not a sexist thing but just an observation.  I've borrowed my girlfriend's car and before I can get out of the driveway, I'm tossing out yogurt containers, pretzel bags and of course cat food.  At this point, it would be less disturbing to find some dude's phone number.  I've actually pulled over to vacuum crumbs.  I may have a problem.  

   Fortunately, unlike the past, there are more healthy options, you just have to find them.  The most options seem to be at Turnpike Service Plazas.  Sure, they have overpriced fast food (like being at the airport) but additionally, most have fresh made sandwiches and salads that are conveniently, overpriced (though tough to eat a salad while driving...more challenging than texting, not that I've ever done that).

   The service plazas have everything, including a drivers lounge.  On a recent stop, I noticed they had video games.  They had a driving game.  That means, some trucker could climb down for his cab after 7 hours, take his 60 minute break playing Grand Theft Auto before climbing back into his cab for another 500 miles.  Expect him to let my 2008 Civic merge back onto the road?  Dude just drove through a swat team and killed two hookers.  I'm on the shoulder at least another 60 miles, just hoping he stops at the next plaza to play Mortal Kombat.

    The point is, let's be careful out there...and clean your damn car.

[billboronkay]

Nice Girls

     I haven't dated a whole lot in my life, but when I have, I've usually dated really nice girls.  They take longer to fill out the restraining order.  OK, easy joke, I'll move on.  There are problems with it, one being nice girls are often incredibly non confrontational and so am I.  It's a great combination unless it's time to break up and neither will pull the trigger.  Dragged out game of passive/aggressive annoying chicken.

    The girl I dated throughout college (college age can still be considered a girl, ok woman if you'd like) was incredibly sweet.  We stayed together years after college then I moved away for jobs in South Caroline followed by West Virginia (chasing the dream).  She started getting distant but wouldn't end it.   I finally had to drive back 5 hours to get dumped.  What a fun ride back.

     Years later, I was dating someone much younger than me.  Again, incredibly sweet but I lost my job just before she took a job 2.5 hours away.  After a while, things were drifting, I went out to visit and of course, got dumped.  On the bright side, I cut my time in half (impressive if you think about it).

     After those two experiences, I've noticed I'm scared of road trips.  A buddy suggests Vegas and I'm immediately all, "Why, what did you hear?"

     The other big obstacle with nice girls is everyone else loves them...and why wouldn't they?  Nice girls are incredibly sweet to everyone else.  The more they're around your family and friends the sweeter they get.  Great, except all that hostility and anger has to get stored somewhere and when it blows, who do you think's the only one around?  If you complain to your family or friends, no one believes you.  They only know the sweet and generous person.  So not only are you dealing with pent up bitchiness, your support system doesn't support.  They question you.

     I've put a lot of thought into this and believe the only answer is to find someone you know your friend's wont like.  Your friends will always have your back.  You can complain away and they'll always agree.  Go out with an friend's ex who cheated on him.  Not your best friend, that would be cause more problems, but a peripheral friend's ex.  Everyone's got one, shouldn't be too hard.  If she's awful, she'll want to go out with you to make it bad for him and yes,, that could be collateral damage, so he can't be a real good friend.  You don't want him to suffer too much, just a little.  After all, she's going to end up cheating on you too and at that point, you can commiserate and end up becoming better friends.  Everybody wins.

    On top of that, when you complain about her, your support system will totally be in your corner.  Sure you'll have to put up with a bad person, though she probably has a couple good qualities, but in the end, you'll become closer with your true friends and isn't that what we're all looking for?   Got to better than everyone telling you how great your girlfriend is.

[billboronkay]

The Cost of Moving

      As someone who’s moved a lot, the stress lessens in most areas, except three:  Finding a new mechanic, dentist and hair professional.  Hair could be the hardest because once you find someone you like, you pretty much talk about everything but your hair.  When you go somewhere new, you have no idea how to describe what you want done.  It can be traumatic.

      You basically go by reputation and google reviews for mechanics, but still do you ever know?  Other companies or a disgruntled employee can post bad reviews to hurt business.  After my latest move, I ended up with a Russian mechanic.  In addition to have reasonable prices, I get wisdom like, “Car like horse, ride...works.  Sit...dies.”  “Gas here is poop.”  There’s a little bit of a language barrier.  I’m not sure, but I’m getting the sense that the brakes he put in 5 months ago are bad.  He says, “Bad parts,” but apparently he doesn’t plan on replacing them for free because, “Bad parts.”  Not sure why but I apparently Putin hates the 2008 Civic.

       Dentists are similar to mechanics in two ways. You don’t know if they’re making things up and they all trash the each others’ work.  A while back, a rogue tooth made me try a new dentist in NJ.  Dr. Jersey seemed nice enough (so do most serial killers) so I decided to go back for a cleaning and check up.  $380 with X-rays I didn’t want (had some a year ago) later, I left with a list of basically $8,000 of work they wanted to do and a helpful payment plan.  In my passive aggressive way, I got the further away I drove the angrier I got.  I contacted my old dentist (who moved to LA, like my smile isn’t Hollywood enough?) to get his opinion.  After making fun of me for 20 minutes (spit sink side manner), he thought it was kind of BS, that not everything was urgent and they “were a little pricey.”

      What does any normal middle aged man do?  We blow it off.  Finally, guilt sets in and when they call for my yearly check up, I schedule, saying I want to prioritize the list and I don’t want X-rays.  The receptionist says the X-rays are part of the check up, but I can talk it over with the Jersey when I get there.  X-rays sold on commission?

      While on the road, another tooth goes rogue and 1/2 of it checks out.  Actually damn filling broke.  Find a recommended dentist who says we just need to replace the old filling but will need to X-ray the tooth. Did the entire dental field used to work airport security?  It’s a clean break but sure, charge me the extra $140 to confirm what we see.

       In mid drool, we were discussing my dental adventures and since I go to that city a lot, the dentist said they’ll ask for my records from the other office and I can send him the plan, he’ll check everything out and gosh darn it, happy chewing.

      Naturally, I never follow up (didn’t have access to my scanner for another couple weeks and, well, I’m not that responsible).  Meanwhile, since making the appointment for the check up, the NJ dentist sends 5 emails/texts reminding me of our upcoming date.  Apparently, I found the a dentist with abandonment issues.  The latest reminder was an email at 8:34 morning of the 10a appointment.  

     Set to argue over X-rays (I was brought up you get them every other year), I show up and they seem surprised.  Give them my name and they say they don’t have me.  I just received an email.  The receptionist figured when the other dentist asked for my records I moved.  She pulled me out of the system.  Much more efficient than calling or emailing?  Wait, you were emailing me, telling me about my upcoming appointment.  “You shouldn’t have gotten that email, but we can reschedule.”

     The moral of the story is, well, brush 3x a day, smile when going through TSA and learn how to change brakes.  On the bright side, the hair thing has worked out well.

[billboronkay]

The Refs Hate Us...Again

Never notice how the referees always want your team to lose?  It's with amazing consistency and oddly enough, it seems to go to refs in every sport.  It's one of the reasons I stay away from sports bars.  That and there's no way I can keep eating and drinking four hours in order to get a good table, then keep the table.  Seriously, how long can you sit at a bar with water in front of you?  It's time we add "Sports Starbucks."  They have no problem letting you sit at a table nursing a coffee for 3 hours, why not add sports?  Sure, they wouldn't make any money, seriously, the overpriced coffee jokes are bs.  A medium black coffee is normally $2.25 (unless you're at an airport), which is just a shade more than you pay at a truck stop.  The coffee's better and the place doesn't smell like, well, a truck stop.

Anyway, the point was, it's next to impossible to watch a game with other people, even if they're rooting for the same team.  Every call is against them.  If a call is for them, it's a makeup for something that the refs screwed up earlier.  Watch a replay with a fan of each team.  Each fan will see what they're looking for.  

Twitter is often fun to follow during a game.  There are some really funny things being live tweeted, did I get the terminology right?  The hazardous part of this is it's like watching a game with other people.  Sure you don't hear them.  You only get their opinions by reading but damn, it's hard to look away.  

What spurred these thoughts was game one of the NBA Finals.  All game all of my Cleveland friends were complaining about the refs.  If I was following more San Francisco and Oakland friends, my timeline would probably be filled with opposite tweets.  My girlfriend was convinced Draymond Green hit Lebron in the face on purpose.  She was live, not live tweeting, which I couldn't click out.  She has no idea of Draymond Green's past, which really would've cranked up the revolutions on her head spinning.  While it was rough, things like that happen all the time.  As a semi Cavaliers fan, it really didn't look intentional, but try explaining that to an angry Clevelander.

The worst was the change of charge call that really effected the end of the game.  Simplified explanation (I don't feel like copying and pasting the rule book), the charge was not reviewable, yet the play was reviewed.  Cavs fans were going nuts and rightfully so.  The call was changed to a blocking foul, so Cavs fans were even more angry  That said, a blocking call was the right call.  So it came down to arguing for a wrong call to be upheld so you could probably win based on a wrong call (well, and the other 47 plus minutes of play in the game).  I get it and if I was hardcore, I'd probably be mad too, but they did get the call right, so how mad can you be?  

The point is, my head's starting to hurt going over this and yes, I'm still mad about the Dez catch being ruled no catch in Green Bay (but I have good reasons...it was not irrefutable evidence to be overturned and the rule said to make a "football move" which he did, then they rationalized it was "not enough of a football move."  I'm still angry).  

I'll try to watch the rest of the finals alone, with no phone, like our ancestors did.

[billboronkay]

Cooking with Gasoline

    If there's one thing road warriors know, besides we have too way too many people.  Seriously, do you really need all of your kids.  One wasn't enough?  Two, OK things even out when the two parents die but at this point, going .500 is losing.  Got to get some wins and in this case, we win by losing...but that's another issue for another time.  

    OK, the other thing road warriors know is while traveling, the best car food usually comes from gas stations.  Sure, we lost full service at the pump except for a couple states that don't let you pump your own gas...seriously New Jersey, I can fill up and get on my way in the time it takes some of your attendants.  On top of that, why can't they screw the cap past a click so I feel like it's sealed?

    From personal experience, I believe Subway was the Captain Kirk of gas station cuisine,  boldly going where only 10hr rotating hot dogs and microwave burritos had gone before.  Subway's 1983 infiltration into the petroleum world shocked some and was laughed off by many.  Still, the sandwich artists could not be stopped, the only hope was to keep their plastic gloves away from the pumps.  This was a game changer, so the game got more teams.

    Gas stations figured they could make the sandwiches themselves, and keep all the dough (I know, couldn't resist...sorry).  Sheetz was the first true combo gas station/deli that I remember in Northeast Ohio.  I recall laughing at someone when they recommended going there for lunch.  I also remember being impressed with the grilled chicken sandwich they brought back.  

   Of course, then grocery stores started tying in discounts with gas stations and realized, if they had their own gas, they could keep all the...ok, dough doesn't really work there.  Neither does oil.  I'll work on it.  So Kroger started their Kroger gas stations.  Giant Eagle started GetGo, not sure why they didn't just have Giant Eagle gas, unless they realized what a weird name Giant Eagle is.  There may be a good story behind the name but I really don't think it's worth researching at this point.  By researching I mean typing it into google.  Unlike Kroger gas stations, GetGo was more along the lines of Sheetz...combo gas, convenience store and deli.  Pre-made subs, wraps, salads along with a made to order deli.  The gas/sub gauntlet had been thrown.

    All was well and good, until traveling east and stumbling across Wawa.  What's with the weird names for all of these places?  Wawa takes it to another level.  Seriously, and possibly sadly, Wawa has not only become a source for good road food, but conversation among travelers.  Seriously.  

    After experiencing Wawa, Sheets and GetGo have fallen down a few notches.  We've come to expect quality gas station dining.  Even some Flying J's and Pilot's have stepped up (ok, they're owned by the same guy who was ripping off truck drivers...allegedly but he is being punished by owning the Cleveland Browns.  

     Still, I had a loyalty to a specific GetGo.  When I am in Cleveland, I will often get a carry out salad there to bring home.  It's huge and with grilled chicken would usually come out to about $5.50.  Great deal.  

      Best time to go was just before rush hour.  In & out in no time with a great meal.  I was there so much, I noticed I was usually getting the same gas station chef.  Until one late afternoon, when it was someone else.  Much slower, smaller and all the ingredients divided rather than mixed in (actually makes a difference in salad distribution...hard to mix in the container).  Writing off as a fluke I went another time, same thing.  It hit me, the difference wasn't as much the gas station deli as the gas station deli worker.  This was crushing yet uplifting at the same time.

      Maybe I've been too hard on GetGo and Sheetz.  Maybe it's not just the Wawa name (as weird as it is).  Still, unless you're always going to the same gas station, you have no idea what you'll get.  

      Today, I mourn the loss of my favorite GetGo deli worker.  Sure she's probably gone off to something bigger, like graduating high school.  I should be happy for her and part of me is, but at what cost?  She takes with her dreams of a bright future and my vision of what a gas station grilled chicken salad is supposed to be.  Sure, there'll be other gas station deli's and who knows what advances in petroleum foods lie ahead, but because of the experience, I now approach eating on the road with a much more skeptical eye.  Except for Wawa's, I swear, regardless of where I've been they've always come through.  They really need to expand west.

[billboronkay]

A Hell Like Some Other

    What happens when you die, no one really knows.  Believe what you want, that's fine and I'm not saying you're wrong, just saying if you had real proof you wouldn't be hear to tell me about it.

      If you look at some systems, they seem kind of well, made up.  Good place if you're good, very bad place if you're bad.   Like biblical scared straight...with less tattoos.  If it gets you to treat others well, Mission Accomplished.  

     What I've never heard about from the eternal flames side and admittedly I haven't researched it a lot, are there different levels of Hell?  Maybe I should read more before I write one of these but I then what fun would I have?  

       From most of the examples people use, seems the go to guy in hell is Hitler.   A safe choice, responsible for 43 million deaths, genocide, set out on world domination, 1st ballot Hell Hall of Fame.  Hitler was not the worst on the list, a title held by Mao Tze Tung, who was responsible for the deaths of 70 million people.  HOF's always seem to skew towards recent years, hence the push by Saddam Hussein.  Maybe I got sidetracked here.

      This all started with a conversation with another comedian.  He was mocking me for saying I was no longer going to be a good guy.  Frustrated with the "Coming in last results," I was determined to be a badass.  When his laughter subsided, he said I couldn't do it.  If I was a cheetah and caught a gazelle, I'd feel bad and let the gazelle go.  OK, I'll be a vegetarian bad ass.

      The conversation veered towards my "badassness" going to hell.  Where would they put me?  I lied to someone to get a gig and I'm sharing flames with Benito Mussolini?  The heat would be nothing compared to the constant hazing I'd get from Andrew Jackson.  Wouldn't hell have a maximum to minimum flame system?  No chance for parole?  

      Lucifer would have to hate me.  He's hangout out with all the mass murderers and then I'm sent to him for something like forgetting to report a couple cd sales on my tax return?  One part of hell that really doesn't make sense was brought up by Jim Jeffries (wish I could take credit).  If the devil is all about doing evil, why is he punishing evil doers (Jeffries didn't use W lingo)?  Those should be his boys.   Satan would be closing down hell bars with Jeffrey Dahmer.  

       So hell just doesn't make sense.  That said, the worst thing I've done today was smoosh an ant in the kitchen instead of taking it outside.  Considering my transgressions, maybe I should reconsider badmouthing Beelzebub's methods.

[billboronkay]

The Name Game, Again...& Again...& Again

       Across the country, schools and teams have been changing long time names and mascots.  There’s usually loud opposition at first, then over time, it kind of fades away.   Still upset over the Washington Bullets, though now in a  weird way, that actually seems appropriate?  in 1997, Miami University (of Ohio) changed from the Redskins to the RedHawks.  The disaster that followed was, well...the school probably made a lot of money selling new gear?

       “PC is ruining the country” is a common talking/yelling point when a team or school considers a name change.  PC is not law, it’s not even an organized movement.  It’s basically a thought saying, “Try not to be a dick,  maybe consider the feelings of others.”  The anger over being considerate is funny, yet angering (probably a better way to phrase that).  You have every right to keep on being insensitive, but being upset at people being upset at you doesn’t seem hypocritical?

        I’ve seen posts from former classmates and friends organizing a defense against a movement to change the logo/name of my old high school, one of the country’s 49 high schools that still use the name, “Redskins.”  Some of the posts have been well thought out and interesting.  Some have come across as incredibly angry, which I’m sure is justified considering it’s about a name/symbol of a school you graduated from some 40yrs ago.  Many have fond memories of high school.  We went to class with some pretty amazing people.  Changing the school name changes those memories...how?  I can’t enjoy the thought of post homecoming dragging my drunken friend into his parents house and leaving him in the shower if we’re called the RedHawks.  Actually, my other friends dragged him in, I was too drunk on my own adventure to help. Naturally, his parents still blamed me.

        One argument is “Redskins” is not a slur at all, it was actually a term of honor.  It was bestowed upon the tribe’s best warriors.  I must’ve missed that part in history class.  Odd, considering that whole Native American genocide thing was pretty much glossed over.   Referring to Native Americans as Indians was still common (more so than today) which may be more insulting.  Some drunken sailor lands on the wrong continent, calls the inhabitants the wrong name because of it and somehow that name sticks?  I was told Louis CK did a bit on this, that I’m sure is much funnier than anything I can think of but the point is, we’re so stubborn we wont even let that go?

     Does anyone really think they’re honoring the Native Americans by chanting “We are the Redskins” 

      Every honorable name can be traced to something like an 1863 Minnesota newspaper ad with, “The state reward for dead Indians has been increased to $200 for every redskin sent to purgatory."  

        It’s Tradition?  Your best argument is, “because that’s the way it’s always been,” is a great way to go through life.  We’ve always eaten the wooly mammoth raw, why mess with fire?  Just got to find a way to avoid that pesky evolving.

        Pulling emotional attachment aside, is a symbol that offends a lot of people really worth digging your heels in?  If the memory of a big part of our lives is ruined by 3 decades later being considerate of others maybe our education wasn’t that great.  That said, homecoming was pretty kick ass.

[billboronkay]

Shopping Center Living

A few years back, outdoor malls really seemed to become a thing.  In the mid south or west, I get it.  Who doesn't want to buy try on clothes while lathered in SBF50?  What I still can't understand is the popularity of these shopping cities in places like Ohio.  Sure, from May to October everyone's looking for something to do outside, though July/August is officially Cleveland Dad, "Hot enough for you?" season.

This leaves 7 months of "Lake Effect" snow and gray making residents wonder why the hell they still live there.  Not only do people continue to live and shop in the elements (though Amazon by the fire is considered romantic), but some have chosen to live in the shopping areas.  That's right, combining the joy battling for parking spaces to shop with battling with parking places to go home.

Who wouldn't want to live next door to H&M?  Watch all the 50 somethings who say "age is just a number" looking for a larger sized number than skinny jeans come in.  Above Bath & Body Works?  Every morning the competing scents of Cucumber Melon, Coconut Sunset and Pink Lilly Bamboo fill your vents.  

But think of the benefits.  You wake up every day within a short walk to the food court.  Starting your day with a pretzel dog?    To think, some say the American Dream is dead.  Sure, you'll probably fill your sodium allowance before noon, but you're an overachiever.  Within 3 weeks you'll feel awful about yourself, wont be able to fit into your own clothes and some weird guy will write a blog telling you to step away from the Sbarro.  

Finally depressed, you're willing to end it all, but the shopping center apartments come with fake balconies with bars in front of them.  Honestly, I have no idea of the purpose.  Want to impress passersby with the impression that you have a balcony without the stress of taking care of an actual balcony?  

That said, it's probably all off set by the joy of watching the lights bouncing off the Cheesecake Factory.  That and quiet evenings of hearing families shopping together.  Maybe you can be the first to see a family of four actually enjoying the their time together.  Probably not, not sure they exist and it's tough to see over the fake balcony bars.

[billboronkay]

Over Glorifying?

Recently, a friend reposted something that caught my eye.  It was a picture of a school assignment that the teacher had marked and made notes in red (after all these years, still a threatening ink...or maybe I just feel that way because my education was filled with red ink).  Regardless, the kid had signed her name in cursive, where it said print name.  The teacher's note said stop writing in cursive, you've had several warnings.   Seems like a minor deal, but I get it.

What I didn't get was the original poster's comments, something to the effect of, the mother who's a military veteran, taught the 7 year old how to write cursive.  This is what's wrong with today's education.  I'm a little taken back by the anger at apparently three sides of this assignment.  

First, it seems odd that a teacher would be that upset over cursive versus print.  Is it a power thing?  I'm guessing it's more of a following instructions thing.  Is the kid trying pull an "I'm better than you" kind of thing in front of the other 7 year olds because she can write cursive?  Maybe little Susie's been annoying all semester and this just pushed Edna Krabappel over the edge.  Could it just be a case of Susie's paper being graded at the end of the Absolut bottle.

Second, why is mom posting the paper on social media?  Shouldn't mom just reach out to the teacher?  Parents & teachers all have email access (how is a kid supposed to get away with anything these days).  A simple email of, "Why are you being such a bitch over cursive?" seems appropriate.  If mom has a military background, shouldn't she respect following instructions?  isn't that what the military's all about?  Mom should have given Susie KP duties for a month (not sure what KP stands for...Kitchen Patrol?).

Finally, why is this third party getting involved?  What stake does this person have in Cursive Gate?  Is this person the teacher's jilted lover?  Trying to act tough to win over the single mom.  OK, not finally, what in the world does being a military vet have to do with this?  I'm all for supporting the troops, thanking them for their service and all, but everyone in the service gets a free pass for everything now?  It's funny how you can't say anything about anyone who enlists.  Bill Burr started talking about it on stage (because he's big enough to take the backlash and he's smarter/funnier than me) but I've felt this way for a long time.  Not everyone who signs up is a fantastic person.  Like any job, you have great and not so great people.  It's just the way life is.  Of course if you bring that up, you're un-American?  Impossible to over glorify?  

Maybe the most troubling part of this whole thing is, why is anyone teaching cursive?  At this point, isn't it like teaching latin?  Everything's on keyboard.  Real jobs mostly direct deposit now.  

Then again, I had to sign my check from last night so, never mind.  Good mom.

[billboronkay]

The Fix is in Front of Us

     Recently, I was in Louisville, KY.  The lead story in the local paper was about Rick Pitino deciding he wants to coach basketball again.  If you don’t pay attention to college basketball, scandal has followed Pitino through much of his career, including allegations of cash being given to recruits (which Pitino clams he had no knowledge of) and strippers being hired for recruits (which Pitino claims he had no knowledge of).  Oddly enough, I had just been in Lexington (Pitino had previously coached at UK) where I wondered how irritated his former players were that they never got strippers.  Got to admit, impressive recruiting tool.  By the way, one of the lead stories in the Lexington paper when i was there was about Kentucky’s child bride law.  I’m not making that up.

     Regardless, every now and then sports radio and columnists will get hot and bothered about the problems with college sports, whether the athletes should be paid, the “one and done” issue with basketball and alumni funneling money to the players.  It’ll be a hot topic for a short while then everything will go back to normal.  March Madness is here, forget the conversation.  

     I’m not sure about the stripper thing (maybe i could support it) but the answer to the funneling money and paying players is already out there, yet no one seems to be talking about it.  I hate to say it, but look at baseball.  Yes, that game that bugs the crap out of me (actually, I like the game itself, but it’s all the bs around it...I’ve already written about this before).

      College baseball doesn’t seem to have the same issues.  There are a couple of reasons: 1-for the most part, it’s not as popular or as profitable,  2-kids that want to become professional baseball players don’t have to pretend to be students.  They can go straight to the minor leagues.  What a concept.  Still, if they want to get an education, they can play college ball.  You don’t have near the amount of scandals as with basketball and football.  

     Why not do the same thing with the other sports? Oh right, money.  Schools and the NCAA can thump their chests about doing what’s right for the kids and their need for an education it’s really just about the money everyone’s making off this kids.  Yes, a scholarship is great, but it’s a drop in the bucket compared to the money these athletes bring to their schools.  For some, it’s a good deal.  They wanted to go to college and this could be their only way.  For others, they don’t want to go to college but they have no other viable choice if they want to pursue their dreams.  They don’t have an interest in going to class.  You know who else doesn’t have an interest in going to class?  Many people in other professions.  Know what they do?  Go into those professions.  Crazy, right?

     The NBA has their D-League but they don’t put a ton of resources into it.  Why would they when the colleges can do the developing and scouting for them?  The NBA investment is minimal.  The colleges make incredible amounts of money off of the kids (even if they only play their freshman year).  Speaking of, the whole rule about not being able to enter the NBA out of high school should be ruled unconstitutional.  For most, it’s not wise to try the NBA from high school but a rule against it?  Again, go to a minor league.  Of course if the D-league became that popular, colleges would lose out on profits and may have to rely on their teachers to earn good reputations.

     Same with football.  The NFL agreed to an extension for their commissioner that will come out to nearly $50 million, they can't afford a minor league system?  Sure it’s great to have Alabama and Ohio State developing your stars for you, after all, making kids pretend they care about geography is good for them (just like it is for the future plumbers that are forced to go to class).    

     It’s like slow growing college playoff system that the NCAA tries to fight because it cares about the kids’ education for a month after Thanksgiving.  After all, it’s all about the kids...and the billion dollars in revenue the NCAA pulls in every year.

[billboronkay]

Hallmark Holidays

     After a show when I talk about meeting Trixie (gf) during the holidays, without fail, at least a couple women will tell me, “You met and started dating during the holidays?  That’s so romantic, like Hallmark movie.”  Then at least one guy will say, “You met and started dating during the holidays?  That’s horrible, like a Hallmark movie.”  

      I’m not sure how many Hallmark movies there are, but Trixie’s filled up the DVR with them which is wasteful, because they’re all the same movie.

       There’s an amazing, never married woman in the small town that everyone loves.  She’s always giving and works too hard.  Doesn’t matter what the profession is, let’s say veterinarian, again doesn’t matter because it’s always DJ from Full House.  She’s been dating the same guy for years but she feels he cares more about his law career than her.

       She’s late leaving work to get to his holiday party, because this is Hallmark and it’s always the holidays.  On her way through the snow, she gets a flat.  A cowboy pulls up in a jeep and changes her tire.  She stays out to talk to him because even though it’s snowing, the actors never look cold.  She finds out he’s new in town, so she invites him to Christmas dinner, but he can’t come because he volunteered to feed the homeless.  

       DJ gets to the party and looks amazing, even though she was standing in the snow for an hour.  Her boyfriend announces he has a big announcement.  She thinks he’s going to propose but he announces he’s been named partner.

       Sensing she’s a bit sad, the next day her boyfriend sends flowers.  DJ’s working with a golden retriever when they arrive, delivered by the cowboy.  Didn’t see that coming.  As he hands her the flowers, their eyes lock.  After a couple seconds, Fido starts choking.  The cowboy quickly gives the retriever  the heimlich and the dog coughs up a ring.  The cowboy places the ring on Dj’s finger, they kiss and the camera pans from the couple to the dog, who winks into the camera.

       Have you seen that movie?  You should, because Hallmark has three channels showing it.  What they don’t show is the reason the cowboy is all alone is he’s wanted for child pornography.  37 versions of this are filling up my DVR, so far.

[billboronkay]

Stray Attention

Just a quick warning:  I had to provide a lot of background so this can make sense.  Please understand and be patient.  What else were you going to do today?

     I was on the road most of December.  While I was gone, during a brutal cold snap, my girlfriend Trixie (yes, that's what we call her) took in a stray cat.  Totally support it, we couldn't leave the little guy freezing,  While I was on the road, I also took in another stray for the same reason, that I would bring back.  We discussed it all ahead of time and are looking forward to integrating them with her female cat.  Then we ran into a complication.

    "Squeaky," Trixie names cats with adjectives, you know, like a 4 year old.  Over the years, strays she's worked with have been named, "Stripey" "Grayby," a one eyed cat was named "Winky."  You get the point.  These were street cats willing to jump into a shelter just to get more manly names.  Regardless, Squeaky developed some health issues.  First something with his eye, that was contagious.  That was finally clearing when we discovered he had a urinary track infection.  Poor guy has been sequestered until he can get healthy enough to integrate.   The vet doesn't want us to integrate Lester (cat I took in and named before she could) until Squeaky is ready, says it's best to do them together.   Basically, there's a cat in every room.

    So I'm in with Squeaky, giving the big guy some attention (he's grown quite a bit).  He's a large lap cat.  Everything's normal then all of a sudden, he makes a weird kind of meow.  Jerks around a little bit and you can see he can't get comfortable.  Keeps adjusting, meowing and gets kind of violent with a different look in his eyes,  even nips at me a couple times.  It's heartbreaking watching an animal suffer without knowing how to help.  I'm thinking he's trying to pass a kidney stone or something.  It lasts maybe 10 minutes then he calms down and honestly, seems kind of gassed.            

    Trixie immediately takes him to the animal hospital.  The vet looks him over and doesn't believe it's a kidney stone, says watch him, but let the antibiotics for his UTI do their job.  She brings him back and I have to go back on the road.  While I gone, I'm told he's doing great, hasn't had any more issues.  Integration can't be far off.  I come back Monday and go in to spend time wth him.  It's a happy reunion.  He purrs, naps in my lap while I work, all good.  After a while, he wakes and it starts again.  Same look in his eyes, nips again.  Can't get comfortable.  I time it and it lasts longer, 15 minutes.  Scary stuff.  When he calms back down and goes to sleep, we call the vet.  Vet says not to panic, could still be from the UTI, but if it happens again, try to record it so she can see.

    Tuesday, I'm in with him.  Everything's great, even more playful.  This guy is going to be a cool cat.  Wednesday, starts again.  I can't believe it.  Less violent this time. I'm petting and trying to soothe him.  He doesn't nip but still doesn't look comfortable. Had my phone, so I record it.  20 minutes.  Finally, I upload to youtube and send the link to the vet.

    Couple hours later, we get the call:  

Vet: "We're in the office watching the video.  Squeaky is really attached to your leg."                                                                                                                          Me: "I know, he's claws were gigging in and everything."                                                                Vet: "He is romantically attached to your leg."                                                                                    Me:  "In my defense, my life has had so little sex, how was I going to recognize it?  That said, he's only done this with me so, I've still got it."                                                                                         Vet:  "I don't know about that, but the important thing is he's healthy...but a little aggressive."

    In a way sure it's a relief, but then you start breaking things down.  He was into me Monday and Wednesday, what about Tuesday?  Supportive as ever Trixie says, "What were you wearing?" So now we're going to victim shame?   "I don't care if I'm in torn boxers and a wife beater, he should love me for what's on the inside.  Your cat is superficial."  I start checking the stats, he went from 10 minutes to 15 to 20.  Dude's got some stamina.  On top of that, he went from violent, to less violent to gentle.  That way it doesn't get routine.  I'm petting feline Ron Jeremy.  Not saying Trixie's jealous, but I noticed now before she goes in his room she's putting on make up and heels.

   My phone is buzzing like crazy.  Youtube comments.  I labeled it "Cat vid for Veterinarian" but it's on my comedy channel, so my friends are watching it.  Know how many bad "Petting your pussy" jokes there are?  247...so far.  Know how many good "Petting your Pussy" jokes there are.  So far, none.  Finally,  I had to pull the video down because of all of my comedy videos, cat humping had the most views.

    I'm trying to be understanding.  He was raised on the street.  In street culture, it my be fine but in my house, that is not consensual.  Now when I go in his room it's really awkward.  He's sitting on top of his cat tower, looking down from a position of power.  All I can think is, "Me too."

[billboronkay]

Trophy Dude Hazards

     Everyone thinks dating out of your tax bracket would be the greatest set up ever.  Those who’ve done it, understand you still pay a price. 

     I often mention how Trixie (gf) is a lawyer.  Yes, she makes a ton of money and buys, well let’s say, a lot of meals.  To be fair, I don’t need to go out to dinner all of the time.  It’s not as healthy and much more expensive.  She offers to buy and away we go.

     Sounds great, but there are some issues.  People who are constantly buying everything feel like they don’t have to do anything else.  I’m constantly cleaning, she gives me airline miles.  Yes I know, sounds like a great trade.  Don’t want to give the impression that I’m bitching.  I am, but I don’t want anyone to think that.  No, it’s not irritating at all that after living in a place for 2.5 years to have your partner ask, “Where do we keep the vacuum cleaner?”

     That said, I’ve never met a more generous person.  She will do anything for you, as long as she doesn’t have to get off the couch.  Order delivery, book a hotel, done.  Ask for a ride to the airport?  Are you kidding.  No, but she’ll drop $60 on a taxi so she can sleep an extra 45 minutes.  

      Yes, I know I’m winning, but here’s something new.  She decided to go on a diet.  Totally her own decision.  Decided to go with a program called, Isogenix.   It’s pretty hard core for the first month and honestly, she’s done great on it.  Though a downside is, I get a full rundown of everything she’s eaten by asking, “How’re you doing?’  The other downside, she doesn’t eat as many real meals so, she go out to eat as much so, I’m starting to realize just how much of a food source my gf became.  That’s an eye opener.  Her diet is costing me money.  Now I’ve got to calculate, how valuable is her being thin?  

      Being the generous person she is, and I’m being serious, she has given me a large amount of the meal replacement shakes because she didn’t like them (she ordered different ones).  So turns out, she’s not shirking her unwritten/adopted responsibility of feeding me.  Problem is, meal replacement shakes never feel like the meal they’re supposed to replace.  Now, I’m walking around hungry and can’t eat any more not just because I’ll have to buy food but because I’ve already used my allotted calories.  On the other hand, my jeans are fitting much better.  No one understands the sacrifices of a Trophy Dude.