Bite by Bite

21 years old. Canada.

[im-horngry]

Vegan Waffles - As Requested! X

Banana Pecan Waffles!

[bite-bybite]

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

This morning was disappointing, because I went to the gym today for the first time in many months and it made me feel terrible about myself. While I should have been focused on the benefits of working out, I spent the entire time comparing my body to other people’s and obsessing over my flaws. It was a really uncomfortable experience, and before this I didn’t realize how toxic an environment the gym can be. It really emphasized how horrible my body image still is and how far I have to go. The urge to relapse is really, really strong right now.

That being said, I know I’ve been in this place where the urges are strong before and I’ve gotten through them. Last night I experienced a pretty big milestone - I went to the campus pub (which has always been a triggering place for me) and had garlic bread, mozzarella sticks, and sangria, and didn’t even think about the number of calories I was consuming. I knew I was going over my meal plan but I was out with friends and having fun and I allowed myself to indulge. I didn’t feel any urgency while I was eating, rather I could eat at a normal place and could easily stop when I was getting full. While the ED voice would creep up on me at times, I was able to hush it and focus on being present with my friends. 

Last year I remember a night when I went to the same pub with a group of friends, and while I was physically present, my mind was elsewhere. All I could think of was calories. While I ate I remember trying to get myself to slow down and having a lot of trouble doing so, because I hadn’t eaten food like that in so long. After eating I couldn’t focus on the conversation because I was too busy feeling terrible about myself and debating if I could get away with purging in the public washroom. 

While this morning was difficult, last night was a huge success. I’ve come a long way, and I am continuing to move in the right direction. I may not be able to control the eating disorder voice or its volume, but I have full control over how I respond to it. I want to relapse, but I won’t. I’m going to keep taking this one day at a time, and even if for every two steps forward I end up taking one step back, I’m still moving in the right direction and that’s all that matters.

[arttherapie-deactivated20180817]

[the-light-fox]

If you are living with mental illness:

Hey, you’re still here? Way to go, babe. You’re amazing. Got out of bed? YOU GO. Couldn’t get out of bed? That’s okay, I love you and believe in you. Hang in there. Good job making it through the day. I don’t care if you cried, had a breakdown, couldn’t do something, whatever. You’re here, now, breathing. You’re incredible. Remember: you are more than your illnesses. You are light and love and this is just something you’ll deal with. Never stop fighting.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Cereal is being munched and I have reached the highest intake I have done in years.

I can & I will

[bite-bybite]

7 weeks into the school year and I’ve finally reached my breaking point. I've been wondering when it was going to happen, because things have been going way too well for me so far this year. I’ve been sticking to my meal plan, managing my stress in healthy ways, and my mood has been pretty good. But this past week I’ve started to feel myself spiral back into old habits - I’ve had lots of thoughts of self-loathing, I slipped up with my meal plan a few times, and I self-harmed two days ago for the first time in a while. I called my mom bawling last night because I am so exhausted and overwhelmed by my life. 

This summer after leaving treatment I decided that the best thing that I could do for myself was to take it easy my first semester back at school. I was going to come back as a part-time student and really take it easy on myself. Instead I decided to do a full-time courseload, I got a part-time job, a volunteer position, and positions in numerous campus clubs. I have a very limited amount of free time and I am busier than I ever have been before in my life. And while it feels great to be doing all of these things that are so meaningful for me, I can’t handle it.

I’m realizing that while it may seem that I should take full advantage of my newfound health and jump in headfirst to everything that comes my way, realistically this is still a very vulnerable time for me. I’m not totally healthy and it’s going to be a while before I am, and until I get to a place where I am truly stable (or as close as I can get), I need to be gentle with myself. 

Actually, even once I reach my absolute healthiest, I still need to be gentle with myself because I always deserve that.

[pondelightful]

[embracingwild]

SPREAD THIS LIKE WILDFIRE

[bite-bybite]

YES

[c0ntemplations]

So what? You failed your finals. You gained some weight. So what? You’re single again. You lost your job. So what? What now? You live. You try again. That’s what.

c0ntemplations (via perfect)

this is my favorite post in the universe

(via gwen-fit)

[leggomyespresso-deactivated2016]

Why you should set aside a day every week to NOT study:

Burnout is real.

It keeps you going. Ie, you push yourself on Thursday because Friday is your break day or you’re relaxed and happy to get back to work on Saturday since you’re back from your break.

You won’t be easily distracted since you’ll have a WHOLE DAY to binge watch whatever shows you missed during the week.

It keeps you sane.

Lets you have a social life.

You can do a little reward system. Maybe for one week: “If I finish one chapter per day this week, I’ll buy a lush bath bomb for Friday”. Maybe even for one month: “If I do all of my homework and prereading before the lesson every day this month, I’ll splurge and buy MGS5″ (Oh who am I kidding that was a guarantee anyways).

sERIOUSLY, IT KEEPS YOU SANE.

Happy studying!

[greenteaandpsych]

This is very important friends. I’m not good at this, but I’ll start doing every week from now on!

[graphicdesignblg]

Balance. by Callie Hegstrom Follow us on Instagram @graphicdesignblg

[beetlestothestars]

The context of “pro-ana” has shifted quite a bit over the past few years, as it used to be much more impudent and direct than it is now. People used to shamelessly post their disordered goals, specific calories during the day, weight loss progress photos, etc. but that has recently changed. 

Much of that explicit content is subdued now (not completely, of course) but it is presenting itself in other harmful ways on this site. Rather than posting eating disorder-specific goals, they post about their goals in the gym, goals to be vegan, goals to elimintate certain foods to prevent binging, etc (i.e. something more socially accepted). Rather than posting caloric intakes, they post photos of their giant plates of veggies/fruit/low-calorie foods and tiny plates of everything else. Rather than posting progress photos, they post photos with their feet together to accentuate their thigh gap or photos with their arms extended to divert attention to the bones in their shoulders/chest. 

These blogs often receive messages questioning their intent but they typically respond with something along the lines of “I would never promote this illness” or “I would never tell anyone else to do things like that.”  However, their material is just as harmful, if not MORE harmful. Their posts normalize their disordered behaviors because they follow axioms of diet culture rather than those of their eating disorder; they hide behind a mask of “just being healthy” to deflect from their illness. 

Is your blog promoting eating disorders even if you are not directly wanting to  promote them? The recovery tag has become the new “pro-ana” and the only way that will change is if people can start being honest with themselves about their intent behind their posts. Do not perpetuate this illness under a facade; start tagging your disordered meals, photos, etc. with the tags that they deserve. 

[bite-bybite]

This is so important!! I’ve had to unfollow many recovery blogs on this website because the users behind them place too much of an emphasis on their fitness regimes and posting pretty photos of vegetables. I have discovered that I cannot get better while “eating clean” (which is a term I hate, might I add), going to the gym 6x a week, or following any diet rules at all. 

If you’re a recovery blog and you’re consistently posting photos of yourself in your sports bra, holding a green smoothie with a caption along the lines of “on my way to yoga!!”, I really encourage you to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re doing alright. Maybe you are, in which case that’s great, and I’m not saying you can’t do yoga regularly or drink smoothies or exercise without relapsing, because it depends on what stage of recovery you’re at and whether or not you’re doing these things in moderation. BUT I have noticed I follow a number of people whose recovery journeys look a little bit too “perfect” to be true, and I encourage everyone to take a look at their blog and question if anything on there could be triggering for others or not. 

[lewis-carroll]

[positivedoodles]

[bite-bybite]

I feel really depressed when I think about how much time I’ve wasted obsessing over my body and what I eat, and I feel even more depressed when I realize how preoccupied I still am with this stuff every hour of the day, despite having been in recovery for about 7 months now. I can see that I’m not living properly but I have so much work ahead of me still, and I can’t skip ahead. 

Sometimes I doubt the severity and legitimacy of my eating disorder, but at times like these when I so badly want to feel normal and healthy and enjoy my life but I truly can’t, is when I recognize that this is a legitimate illness that I’m dealing with.

[aorarchived]

[bite-bybite]

Being back at school is really challenging. Recovery was hard when I was in day hospital, then got harder when I was discharged and living at home, and now it’s gotten a step harder because I’m back at school. 

Being back at school means being around tons of girls who in my eyes are all so much thinner and prettier than me. Classes don’t start for a couple of weeks so there’s a lot of time spent outside in the hot weather, which means lots of time in shorts and swimsuits. I am just constantly comparing myself to other people, plus feeling bloated from the amount I’m drinking, and it’s pretty painful to look in the mirror right now.

I am also furious at my eating disorder. This is my final year of school and I want to be fully present for it, but so far I really haven’t been able to because I am so self-conscious of my body and what I’m eating. 

I have strong restriction urges constantly throughout the day, but I’m battling them the way I was taught to at the hospital: do the opposite. If I feel the urge to restrict at lunch, then I take that as a sign that I should actually add some extra mayo to my sandwich or have an especially challenging dessert. I’m not letting my eating disorder win.

I will not let my eating disorder take away another year of my life from me.

[metamorphosisofmeg]

I could lose weight but I could also run head first into a brick wall and it would probably be just a productive