It's Time to Get Mad at the Eating Disorder

This blog is so I can document my recovery from anorexia and bulimia. I want it to be positive but there may be some triggers as I struggle through recovery. Here to talk if you need an outlet about ed or anything else :) 

[tinykoalabear]

me: *has an eating disorder for years*

me: *is still not even close to being thin*

[letthewindblowmeaway]

Developing anorexia is weird.

It’s like you get this free trial where you can just skip a meal or two and BOOM you’ve lost 10 pounds in like a week and then after a few more weeks that trial runs out and you pay for the full version with crying and pain and isolation and sadness and so much math.

[madnessanded]

This is too accurate and very sad but the so much math made me laugh lol

[embracingwild]

fyi there is no such thing as “getting back on track” after the holidays because you were never “off track” you were simply living life because you are a human being and you deserve that

[kimbergamot]

Today I made myself a happy scale. I took apart an analog bathroom scale and replaced all the numbers with my favorite compliments.

I’m somewhere between lovely and exquisite today and I’m okay with that 👌🏻

[sashacoki]

[pastelparrotlet]

[heavensghost]

[dazedandconfused-anescape]

Two moods:

Comfort eat

Comfort starve

[positiveautistic-deactivated202]

”Hating our bodies is something that we learn, and it sure as hell is something that we can unlearn.”

- Megan Jayne Crabbe

[weltenwellen]

Kemi Alabi, from “A Wedding, or What We Unlearned from Descartes“

[u-r--lovely]

“Eating disorders are NOT all about food and weight and body image. They are associated yes, but not exactly… I wish so desperately that people would stop blaming eating disorders on vanity, looks or insecurity. They are ever entrancing mental illnesses that often stem from an inability to communicate pain, discomfort or rejection. Eating disorders don’t just develop because you want to ‘lose a few pounds, or because you eat too much or you purge sometimes’, they develop because you are seeking a way in which to disappear, to numb, to disconnect. Recovery does not happen by fixating on this idea of loving yourself whole-heartedly, every day, 24/7; but by being able to live DESPITE not liking yourself. Living despite the obsessions and maladaptive coping mechanisms and decades of unlearning habits and behaviors. Eating disorders are the only disease in which the posion AND the cure are within the same person fighting the disease in the first place.”

— I Am My Own Cure (Gracie Mandel)

[thoughtkick]

“Those conversations you skip sleep for.”

— Unknown

[thepersonalquotes]

[mirithebrave]

I have been holding my breath since I was I twelve years old when my mother said that if I sucked in my stomach, I would look more thin.

A decade later the pulse oximeter on my finger starts beeping, and a nurse rushes in to my hospital room where my thin body verges death only to tell me that I need to breathe more deeply.

–

It has taken me approximately seventeen years (and a couple voice lessons) to realize that I never breathe in fully, never let myself expand. Because to exist as a woman in this society means to shrink myself, even at the expense of breath, the very thing the keeps me alive.

I wonder who I would be expanded, inflated, fully filling my lungs to capacity. I wonder how my body would shift in relation to getting enough oxygen. I wonder how I have been trained in death-dealing actions towards myself, because my flesh was for aesthetic over embodiment. I wonder that I have never truly breathed.

–

[side note: not currently in the hospital, the top part is based on past ED stays]

[inkflowergarden]

Keep choosing love.

[annesmiless]

[bitinganorexia]

The thing that’s killing you keeps whispering in your ear that you need it to survive.