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I always wondered about how i have lasted as long as i have. Apparently my super power is resilience... now it is used up but I am seeking to gain it back with the help of sharing my writings of the endless experiences i deal with in life.

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Know one really wants to know your problems, cos its tiring energy consuming. Im convinced no one wants to see anyone happy... even myself. If it existed it seems like a big fat lie. An illusion created to keep living.

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Smiling feels like Im lying.

You want to express but no one wants to see the shit spewing out of your mouth, body & mind. Being happy is the goal for everyone. No one knows how badly that I of so many want this, it kills.

When you feel so depressed there is no ounce of happy juice. Its all the worst things you have felt in your life compiled into one.

No one knows when you sit at the kitchen table, on a monday morning crying your eyes out... these moments you are truly alone. There is no one except yourself.

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Who am I? I am me.... & thats ok

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Im sorry you felt you had to battle this silent killer alone, there were so many of us with that common enemy. I wish you knew how much you meant to everyone who met you whether it be, mins,hours, days or years. You had a vibrancy about you, & everytime you came around to visit Em, I felt compelled to hug you deep and never let go but... I never did & oh the regret in that, it could of saved you. If you are truly at peace now than I can be relieved with that knowing how painfully consuming depression is, but not relieved of the sadness I feel but for your friends & family. Much love to your girl much deep heartfelt sorrow fo a beautiful young woman.

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I am dark I am light

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Its those days I feel like my soul has sunken & living is so painful that I kick myself choosing to not do anything about it.

But there is a but its because I know there are things I want to do but when the pain comes it hurts so much that it is intoxicating, hard to swallow, it feels like everything ceases up. Everything that wants to come out  is too primal, crazed to allow someone, anyone to see. So I keep it inside locked away as best I can till it comes next time and maybe destroy me again.

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I still have no hold here because i know now truly that nothing is permanent. I am not permanent or you, we are born, breathe, live than die.

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I find peace in death easily, but not so easy finding peace in living.

It almost sounds/feels like a chore, a heavy sigh & your shoulders drop more.

No one seems readily able to want to talk of such darker subjects... I would love to talk more in depth with someone who struggles to grasp the concept of living & why they are still here after trying to there end there life & not succeeding? Though being mindful of triggers is essential.

Asking normal people (who have not been to the very depths of there fears), its just not the same. They lack that thing to understand, too judgemental, too closed minded. In order to understand not in theory but practically.

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its awful this right now..... manic episode of feelin like your chest is going to explode, vomit, my head i want to bash in....

how do we do it? I have been off my meds for 4 months, it seems you feel like your doing ok than you have these moments which are so disheartning. I HATE THIS SO MUCH its a big fight biggest fight

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I favor death more than i do living.

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my cat recognised me this morning.... but i dont feel me. Spirit has gone & i do not know where.

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im back here again..... I have goals I want to achieve, BUT living is more painful I would give my life to someone who is more deserving of it, someone who wants to live.

Im tired of waking up.

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I have a dream now & it's the only thing that terrifies me...

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As each year comes and goes you reach a stage in your life where you start to see the people & the world for what it really is. When you mind is open enough than the veil lifts for some..... its a cursed gift.

This is a sad sad place to be living in. Why we choose to? Is because the word Hope exists.

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I did what is best for me.

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This hate hurts

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Everytime love makes me sick literally. I swear if I dont kill myself than I wil surely die of a broken heart one too many times.

I gave myself a second chance thinking & feeling this will be ok..... turns out should of kept my lil ol heart & care to myself. Fuck love & the prision it traps you in. I'd rather live a life full of other shit than to feel like this again.