pay attention to how your partner values your time.
i mean this beyond things like how much time you spend at work or how often you answer their text messages.
if you spend hours getting ready for them, do they value that effort? if you plan a meal and do all the shopping and prep and cooking for it, is it just dinner for them? do they notice the small chores you're always doing, or does it just magically "get done" when they're not looking? do they notice when you've spent time for them, or is it just something that is expected to happen?
my ex understood our relationship as some kind of credit service. he would do something large and nice for me maybe once or twice a season - and then "collect" on that credit for a while. my time was not as valuable as his - i was expected to give up my time for things like the upkeep of our relationship, chores, everything. even though i was in school and employed (and honestly doing more than he was), he assumed my time couldn't be better spent. he used to say i was just "better" at the daily stuff. he was my first longterm boyfriend - i hadn't been taught it. it didn't come naturally. it's just that if i didn't do it, he valued his time too much to do it for me.
recently i saw a video of a man smashing a cake into his new wife's face after she explicitly asked him not to. i'm glad that these days, most people don't find it funny. but still, someone comments: girl, just wipe it off and jump back into the party! but the fact of the matter is - even if it wiped off perfectly, even if the makeup only took a few minutes to reapply, even if the dress wasn't ruined by the oil in the icing - she would have to spend time away from her own wedding in order to do it. her new husband - he gets to laugh and sit around and party. she has to leave her loved ones and go be alone to handle the results of his prank. it might be the only day she gets to see some of these people; but that time spent (the makeup, the dress) is just valued less. it's seen as inconsequential.
just... pay attention. is it normal for you to give up your time, but they wouldn't reciprocate? do they consider their hobbies essential while yours are just "useless ways to fill the day"? is going out with their friends a hallowed event that must not be interrupted - but at the same time, you find that you're punished for or banned from similar events. do you do most of the upkeep? do you trust that if you needed to take a break, they'd absolutely pick up the weight? if you spend time and energy and effort on something, is that valued; or is it just a thursday to them.
