Learning As I Go

Hey there, name's Raye. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, PTSD, and Multiplicity, as well as being physically disabled due to chronic illness. This is a place to chronicle my journey of learning to cope with all this, and offer advice to others who are struggling.

[stopcallingmeapollo]

Shout out to all my avoidant/restrictive people who struggle through lunch every day

To people who can barely piece together a meal from the options at their schools

To people who can feel people staring at them when they put together a plate of mismatched, monochromatic foods

To people who avoid friends’ houses like the plague so they won’t be forced to go through the agony that is a “normal” meal–or worse, have to insist on only eating their safe foods and offend the host

We are all incredibly strong and brave, even if society mocks us. We are not burdens. We are worthwhile.

[borderlineandmultiples]

Is age dysphoria a thing?

Because if it is, I think I have it. I just turned twenty eight two weeks ago, and like always, my depression got really, really bad. Every single fucking year my body gets older but my mind stays the same. I generally feel like I'm sixteen, though sometimes on good days I can be a little older, and on bad days I might feel a little younger. There's just this huge disconnect between how old I feel and how old I am, and I hate it. I'd like to grow up, learn to live on my own and be responsible for myself but I have no idea how. It seems so big and I just don't feel ready and I have no idea where to start. I've mentioned this to therapists but they've never really given me an answer why I feel this way, or any advice on how to help.

I feel really alone, I tried to look stuff up but all I could find was people complaining about it, despite not having it, or middle-aged men being creepy af, saying they're really five so it's okay if they're attracted to little kids, which is massively fucked up. If you really felt five, you wouldn't feel sexual attraction.

So I get that there's a lot of creeps who abuse concepts like age dysphoria, (I've also heard age dysmporphia, and trans age, but I prefer age dysphoria or possibly age dissociation) But I'm not one of them. I genuinely want help, and to share my experience with other people like me and not feel so lonely and ashamed that no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to grow up. So please, if you experience this (and you aren't attracted to children) or you know someone who does, please reply or message me, because I'm so sad and confused

[borderlineandmultiples]

Have Multiplicty? Talk to me!

So , wow, I haven't posted since I moved to Florida. Which makes sense, I guess, since it's been a huge adjustment. I'm still kind of a mess, depressed and anxious more often than not. I also lost a friend because he couldn't handle my depression, and got mad at me for isolating, nevermind that it got so bad that I chopped off my hair again. I'll probably make a separate post about that later. But that's not really what I want to talk about right now

I really miss talking to people with multiplicity/headmates. Many of my multiples are fairly social and like talking to other people's multiples/headmates. I miss talking to people who get it and know what it's like to share your headspace with others. So if anyone with multiplicity/headmates is reading this, message me! Or comment or something. My next post will probably be an introduction to my most prominent and social multiples.

[borderlineandmultiples]

So Thursday was an exhausting, busy, anxiety-ridden day. And then yesterday, tired as I was, i still had to go to the doctor and then go out to dinner with my mom, Kerry, and my dad as a sort of farewell dinner thing, which was fun but exhausting. So you'd think I'd manage to get a decent night's sleep, right? Nope! Hello Hypo-mania! What's that? You wanna give me a bunch of energy in the middle of the night for six hours or so, and then I'll be completely drained later? No thanks, I have to go out again in the morning. What? I don't have a choice? Well fuck me then.

[fag]

you don't need to traumatize your children to teach them a lesson

[did-that-really-happen]

Note to everyone

[borderlineandmultiples]

Applies to teachers as well as parents.

[crazyrayeandco]

SATURDAY

Me: One last day in NYC before I move. I know I’ll pay for it tomorrow and maybe Monday, but it’s worth it

Fibromyalgia and Sarcoidosis: (by the end of the day) Why wait? You can be in agony right now!

Me: (moans in pain) Still worth it

SUNDAY

Me: Yeah, I’m in pain but I expected it to be much worse.

Fibro: Yeah we’re changing it up this time, just wait and see

Sarc: Just remember what I do to your immune system

WEDNESDAY

Me: Starts coughing

Immune System: Mwahahaha, looks like it’s done incubating.

THURSDAY

Me: I’m coughing my kishkas out, I have the headache from hell, I’m sore all over AND I have a 100.9 fever! What the heck?

Immune System: You have the flu. You’re welcome

Me: FUCK YOU! I hate you so much, Immune System! (Curls up in bed with tea and is generally miserable)

Me: (thinking back to Saturday, saying goodbye to my city) Still worth it

[borderlineandmultiples]

I posted this to the wrong account by accident. I blame the sick.

[borderlinethinking]

This is the book I wrote about BPD and men with BPD like myself. It’s on Amazon and Nook. Just thought I would share.

[borderlineandmultiples]

Good for this guy, raising awareness of BPD in men. I don't know why psychiatrists often dismiss the idea of Borderline in men. Often they are misdiagnosed with Bipolar or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Also, women with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often misdiagnosed with Borderline. But hopefully that will change and BPD and NPD will not be thought of as gendered illnesses anymorr.

[spooniestrongart]

[borderlineandmultiples]

This is so me, and so funny. Loving the Grease reference

[borderlineandmultiples]

Does this happen to anyone else with anxiety or panic disorder? You just wake up anxious, for no discernable reason. Maybe you had a nightmare, but if you did you don't remember having it. Sometimes the anxiety is immediatley intense, making you want to stay awake at all costs. Sometimes it's small at first, and you think "I can handle this. A few deep breaths and I can go back to sleep" but as you try to calm down, try to sleep, it steadily gets worse until you're terrified and exhausted and all you want is to stop feeling this way and get some freaking sleep. And the weirdest version: When the anxiety doesn't hit for a couple of minutes and you think you're fine, thinking about your day, or trying to go to sleep, or just going to the bathroom and brushing your teeth, and then it hits. Sometimes the anxiety is strong right off the bat like the first version, and sometimes it builds like the second version. And you were fine two seconds ago and you have no idea why you're suddenly having an anxiety attack

Please tell me other people have experienced. I wouldn't wish it on someone, I just want to know I'm not the only person to deal with this shit.

[hellalambs]

fun dyscalculia things (that aren’t actually fun at all):

never knowing what time to leave the house to make an appointment. I’m chronically early to everything because I’m terrified of being late. I used to eat an entire meal at a cafe across the street from my job, because I left the house with so much extra time. I then clocked on early by about five minutes every day because I could never gauge how long it would take to cross the street

sometimes when I’m tired or stressed, I give up on reading analog clocks. I stood in the bedroom doorway today and knew that the relevant numbers on the clock were for and five but I couldn’t make them make sense. I stared at the clock for a good fifteen seconds before asking Wife, “what time is it?”

I panic when doing anything under a time limit. I made Wife take a spatial reasoning quiz with me to see how we fared side by side, and felt stressed that she was taking longer on questions that me; “You’re almost out of time.” “No, I have two minutes left.” ????? ????? ????????

I almost never know where the fuck I am on car rides. In the county I’ve lived in for eighteen years, I can’t remember road names, landmarks, or which direction is north. Traveling is a whole lot of void and trusting the driver

Even GPS apps confuse me

Constantly hearing people say “I wonder if a non-Western approach to mathematics would work for you”

Constantly hearing “Maybe there’s a way to fix it” instead of “How can I make this easier for you?”

Knowing it’s one of the least researched and least understood learning disabilities and that you may never get officially diagnosed or receive any accomodations/helpful tools/support even if you can get a diagnosis

[stingchronicity]

maybe i’m wrong but??? disabled people sometimes need help??? and everyone should be okay with that???

for example: i am disabled. have two abled siblings. we are all adults; they’re a lot older than me. my siblings both have children. i get a lot of assistance from our parents. right now, i can’t work. right now i can’t go out into public spaces comfortably on my own (i can, but it’s hard and i prefer to have someone with me). that means i can’t shop for groceries alone; i can’t go out on necessary outings alone.

it looks a lot like i’m “coddled” and babied by my parents because of this, and my siblings are both so angry over it. they get so angry that i receive assistance. they talk about how they never do (which is extremely untrue). they talk about how unfair it is; about how i’m taking the easy way out. but they are abled. they have children and jobs. they take care of themselves extremely well–especially compared to me.

i get it. really i do. but look:

nobody who receives special assistance enjoys it. nobody likes being stared at while they get help. we all want to be able to say yes, i have a job; yes, i can take care of myself; yes, i am abled. but not all of us can.

i am an adult who is often seen as a child because of the assistance i receive and the life i lead. of course i don’t like it. nobody would like it. i hate “taking the easy way out” as my siblings and so many people refer to it. i want to be an independent human being. i want a career and a life. but right now i can’t; some people never can.

tl;dr some disabled people need help, and that should be respected. we aren’t taking anything away from abled people. we are getting the help we need to survive.

absolutely okay for abled people to reblog

[knittingspoonie-deactivated2018]

There is no such thing as being “not disabled enough” to be in a disabled community. Now come over here and let us love you.

[borderlineandmultiples]

Eating Disorder? I Need Advice Please!

I need help, I'm having food issues and I need to know if it's an eating disorder and if it has an actual name. Advice from people with ED or who have recovered from ED on how to maybe handle some of the symptoms would also be great. Here's my story:

Food has always been a bit of an issue with me, especially as I'm so extremely picky that I strongly think I have an eating disorder called Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (I'm not saying for sure I have it, because I haven't spoken to a doctor yet, but I plan to talk about it with my therapist) When I was younger and healthier my issues with food were simple, the above disorder and an extremely low appetite partially caused by anxiety. Before I was on a lot of meds, anxiety would kill my appetite and make me nauseous. Depression lowered my appetite too, but even when I was feeling good I often just wasn't hungry and I'd forget to eat. Then my mental and physical illnesses really came out into the spotlight and suddenly it wasn't just Ativan and sleeping pills, it was a whole bunch of other meds, a few of which increased my appetite enormously and I couldn't stop eating. It's been several years since all of that and I thought things had mostly evened out, but recently I noticed that it's not that simple. I seem to swing from one extreme to the other, something I'm currently calling Appetite Bipolar. I go from not wanting to eat and barely being able to pick at my food for a few days, and then maybe average appetite for a day or to, to then being completely ravenous and unable to control how much I eat. Is this an eating disorder? Is it a symptom of something else? Someone please help.

[borderlineandmultiples]

Not my usual kind of post but this is kind of important to me. I'm sure you've all heard of dyslexia. Maybe you have it, or some one close to you. Or maybe you have a hard time with math, instead. The numbers go all swimmy and you switch them around. Maybe telling time on an analog clock is tricky, or you're terrible with graphing. If that sounds like you, you might have dyscalculia. Dyscalculia is dyslexia with numbers, and so many people don't know it exists. Where I am, schools don't look out for it, or offer special help to those with it. I had a teacher who told me that there was no such thing. This is not okay. Dyscalculia is a legitimate learning disability that should be treated as such. We're not dumb, we're not just "bad at math", we just need a little more time and a little extra help. We're dyscalculic. If this sounds like you or you someone you care about, or if you or someone you know has dyscalculia, reblog this. Maybe we can get a hashtag going, #DyscalculiaAwareness or something.

[cwote]

look at how you’ve come and be motivated by how far you can still go. dont give up :))

[borderlineandmultiples]

This made me smile like a five year old who has just been given surprise candy.

[aptxx4869-deactivated20160504]

my traumatized ass: do I have a crush or am I just idolizing this person for being vaguely nice to me

[borderlineandmultiples]

This is so applicable to me I think I need this on my wall in the new house.

[incumbentism]

my brain, at the slightest inconvenience: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc k