I Hope You Have a Pleasant Stay
When I was younger and still active in "islamic" circles I was always taught that life in this world is temporary. An analogy that was often used was that of a hotel room or an airport, where travelers come to rest for a short while before continuing on their journey. The point of such places was simply of brief respite. Why bother decorating a temporary space when you're bound to leave it anyway?
Fundamentally, the idea of this world being temporary is meant to be a comfort. It's a reminder that although we perceive our lives as long and almost infinite in the moment, it will indeed end. As such, we should not over-invest in the temporal matters of this life nor should we spiral into hopelessness when faced with hardships. In its most basic form, It's meant to encourage a positive outlook on life.
But as I grew older this worldview became less about healthy detachment and turned more and more into dissociation. Instead of fueling me with a sense of hopefulness, I felt like nothing I did - good or bad - even mattered. What was the point of experiencing happiness if it will eventually disappear? Why bother indulging in unproductive hobbies like music or poetry if it had no higher purpose? "Jangan bertuhankan perasaan," was a phrase often preached to me. Don't give into your worldly whims. Your time here on earth is too short to chase happiness. Every second of your existence needs to be for the Deen -- for some greater good you might never see in your own lifetime.
For a time, I believed in doing everything for a higher purpose. I swore off frivolous hobbies like playing music and watching romcoms. I strived to optimize my life so I could become a better human being. I changed my lifestyle to fit the ideal preached to me. Stay detached. Don't give in to useless feelings like sadness or love. Live only for God. Don't be so selfish. You yourself don't matter. Jadilah orang yang berjiwa besar.
But the more I optimized my life, the further divorced from it I felt. If I have to detach from everything, why bother doing anything? At times I felt like I was a stranger standing on a street with rain pouring over me-- looking through the window of a cozy home and wanting a bit of the warmth inside. But when I try to reach out to the door, someone slaps my hand and scolds me for wanting warmth. "This home is not yours," they'd say. "You are just a traveler passing by."
So I grew more and more detached from this life, until I literally dissociated. Untethered, I felt my existence so minuscule, so irrelevant, that I'd rather disappear entirely. I shrunk myself into a thing so small even a speck of dust could look more significant.
And it was this feeling that broke me. I felt homeless, mentally. Nowhere to belong, nowhere to feel safe.
Of course, being diagnosed with major depression later on helped me understand how I feel. In hindsight it was a warning sign. But even more than that, I learned how dangerous it is to push an extreme idea onto a person whose psyche is already biased towards hopelessness. Getting treated for that enabled me to dig myself out of a very dark hole. As I start to emerge into the light, I can look forward with a little more optimism now.
I think about that analogy a lot these days-- about how this temporary worldly life is like an airport, or a hotel. I don't disagree with that analogy at all. Rather, I'd like to add some depth to it.
Of course, at hotels and airports you're not meant to refurbish or renovate the place. It doesn't belong to you! But have you ever gone into a hotel expecting it to be roughed up and uncomfortable? Don't you sometimes bring your own items to make yourself feel more at home, like a stuffed toy or a good book? Don't you bring some items for hand-carry at the airport for your own comfort like a neck pillow or a pack of wet wipes?
Even in spaces that are supposed to be temporary, do you purposefully try to cause yourself discomfort because it "builds character"?
No, you don't. In fact, it is because you're in a temporary place that you try to make yourself comfortable. The caveat to this is simply knowing your limits. Sure, you can't throw out the bed frame of a hotel room and bring in your own, but who would stop you from bringing your own pillow? (I have a colleague who had a back surgery and has to bring extra pillows for her back support whenever she has to sleep in a new environment. Would you call her too manja?)
I know I seem like I'm hyper fixating on these analogies, but there is a point I'm trying to make. The world is all about suffering, every single day. Often times, you don't even need to look for it. It's embedded in our lives. Everyone struggles with something to some degree. Our struggles may not look the same, but we struggle regardless. The world is always on fire.
What, then, is the point of it all?
This is just my own opinion, but I think the point of life in general, is simply to experience the mundane and see beauty in even the most frivolous things. To me, happiness is such an elusive, fleeting thing. The true challenge of life is to find bits and pieces of it-- to hold onto those little pieces and continue living regardless of the ugliness we have to face.
So no, I do not want to willingly live uncomfortably. I want to experience all the "frivolous" things like being excited that a new episode of Apothecary Diaries is being aired or feeling loved because a dear friend has recommended a new video game or song or book or whatever other "useless" thing.
I am not a feelingless machine. I am a living, breathing, human being. And as a human being I believe that life is to be experienced, not optimized.
So a couple weeks ago I decided to paint my bedroom. I have never attempted to decorate my room as I like because I have spent most of my life away from home. Whenever I returned it would only be for a few months. I never bothered decorating my room in India either because I knew I'd only be there for a few years. I have always felt like decorating my personal spaces with useless knick knacks would be like a waste of time. Why bother when I'd up and leave eventually?
But even if it's a few years, or a few months, or a few weeks, I've decided that I deserve to take up space. Even if it's a short while, I hope I can find opportunities to make myself comfortable. I hope I will no longer be weighed down by the places I think I should be, that I forget that there is beauty in this moment, right now. I hope I can feel at home in the spaces I build for myself wherever Allah SWT has placed me and wherever else He may lead me to next. We all deserve to have a nice stay-- even in temporary spaces.
So I hope you have a pleasant stay in this worldly life too, dear reader.
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