Something Smart

Too cute for your bullshit

[diomdes]

me, as i force a dollar bill into the self-checkout machine: thats right…..good boy……vore president washington

[diomdes]

im begging all of you to stop reblogging th is

[stripedturtlenecksweater]

Your actions have consequences

[giegues]

Visit Original Link

I’ve been working on a unified theory If I make it through tonight everybody’s gonna hear me out

[threadedvolley]

this song absolutely has supernatural properties. this shit goes down like a fucken aural senzu bean. neil cicerega injected a party phantom into this jam right here. i was just driving down 35 on my way home from austin on 2 hours sleep ready to fall asleep at the wheel and touch-tone fucking telephone came on and snatched my wig, my ass, and my fatigue. it felt like if popeye ate his spinach except instead of spinach it was pure gay cryptid energy. it felt like bigfoot poured a bucket of four loko-infused ectoplasm directly into my mouth. this song will kill you upon impact if you are straight and will bestow several powerful boons upon you otherwise. thank you lemon demon

[bajn]

on this day one year ago someone sewed a fried egg to a tshirt

[catboycrimsonrain]

on this day two years ago someone sewed a fried egg to a shirt

[klynth]

on this day three years ago someone sewed a fried egg to a shirt

[just-shower-thoughts]

Jedi’s can probably sense when other Jedi’s orgasm, and it’s probably annoying.

[tenkaichibudokai]

[alannamode]

A fun reminder that Aang was a terrifyingly powerful Avatar.

Most Avatars are informed of their newfound destinies at the age of 16 to begin their training. Because of the approaching war Aang was told of his status at the age of 12. He had already mastered airbending, and in the span of a year he mastered the other three elements, the avatar state, and energybending. He also learned lightning redirection and seismic sense (a technique no previous Avatar had even encountered). In the span of a year.

This child was a terrifying force of nature.

[relados-deactivated20160902]

[samsincerely]

when ur shoes get more backstory than u do

[magemagus]

Why does this look like a skyrim loading screen

[otherwindow]

[swagintherain]

White privilege can also be hard…

[postingwhileblack]

THIS IS THE BEST VIDEO I’VE EVER SEEN

[last-bi-in-town-deactivated2023]

Dear God….

[glycdiallan-deactivated20220127]

I am fucking dying omg

[growlift-deactivated20161002]

I’m the second “Berkley” yell

[coleyyoung]

Oh my fucking god

[i-mister-completely]

Always reblog.

[debrides]

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

[lesbirdan]

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

[hermionegranger]

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

[mugsandpugs1-deactivated2019010]

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

[thomrainierskies]

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

[mirab3lle]

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

[icouldwritebooks]

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

[crimeronan]

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

[agrestenoir]

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

[gin-and-eschatonic]

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

[harold-theyre-thespians]

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

[narwhalsarefalling]

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

[wren-likethe-bird]

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

[la-mancha-screwjob]

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

[fair-itself]

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

[maplefiasco]

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

[iamthatbeast]

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

[widonotts]

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

[artwlw]

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

[youlovelucie]

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

[spacecores]

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

[thebritishteapot]

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

[emilyelizabethfowl]

i live for stories like these

[rockpaperscissorsgun]

i work with kids, one time i came back from a long shift and ended up (successfully) telling my dad to “Stop it.” in the most commanding tone i have ever heard when he was being loud at dinner. i have never felt so mortified yet so powerful.

[letsboldlygomotherfuckers]

I’m a cinematographer and I was sharing a room with a friend while we were shooting my last film and I woke him up yelling “I just don’t understand what you want from this shot”

[clockworkheartscaptain]

I work in customer service, at a maze, where we have to hand out flags,and overall it’s good for just general life, good people skill and all that jazz, apart from, when, after eight hours in the hot sun I turned around to my companion who asked me what the time was and handed him a flag, then walked off. I’ve responded to phone calls with “Do you have your map and flag.” Many times in the past.

[nya-random-nya]

One time I had to go into work super early.  It was a morning to evening shift (8am to 5pm). I had stayed up super late the day before and had only 3 hours of sleep. I was put as the Greeter since one of the other co-workers was out of town. Well, lets just say my mind decided to swap out the name of the store for something close to it. So just as the famliy walked in I said “Hello welcome to Walmart!” instead of “Hello! welcome to Melrose!”.

[mischief-rei]

I’ve had my fair share of flubbed speech, but this story is about someone else’s!

My husband and my father went to Cici’s for lunch one evening. As they approach the counter to buy their buffet special, they look off to the side towards a newbie worker. She was being trained on taking orders over the phone. The lady looked so incredibly nervous, but she gave it her all with a cheerful voice and said, “Hi! Welcome to Chelsey’s, this is CiCi’s!”

There was a near explosion of laughter and someone swiped the phone from the poor frazzled newbie.

[arysen-heart]

I work as an Assitant Manager at the loval KFC, and my schedule has me working two doubles in a row. I’ve had really bad insomnia for months now, so I often only get 3-4 hours of sleep between doubles.

Anyways, sometimes after working on the drivethru side all morning saying the same lines hundreds of times, I take an order or two on the front counter. Occasionally I flub up the script and say “Alrighty, that’ll be 20 bucks at the window” As I’m reaching out to grab his $20.

[neverthere12345]

Botham Jean’s next-door neighbor, Joshua Brown who was a key witness in the Botham Jean murder case and who testified against Amber Guyger has been shot in his apartment and killed. Brown said he was afraid of being the next victim.

[princessmuffinmouth]

Rest In Peace, Joshua Brown.

Joshua Brown was shot multiple times in his apartment complex parking lot. Witnesses saw a silver four-door sedan speed out of the parking lot. Lee Merritt, attorney for the family of Botham Jean, said, “Brown lived in constant fear that he could be the next victim of gun violence, either state sanctioned or otherwise.” This absolutely was an act of revenge. This was absolutely orchestrated by Guyger’s police department. Fuck blue lives.

[jlaraa88-deactivated20200317]

This broke my heart

[ballwoyou]

them folks murdered that man

[lookataleaf3000]

one thing I’m grateful to my mom for is telling me from a very young age that if a man ever says he’ll kill me if I don’t do what he says, that I should fight and die. that it would be better to die than to be brought to a second location, it would be better to die instantly than live a little longer after god knows how much violation. i know that other people’s moms gave different advice, to be quiet so you can live and get away. little girls all got some kind of advice on what to do, though, huh? like… WHEN a man wants to hurt you. it’s surreal to think about how this shadow affects the landscape of girlhood

[myothercarisauhaul-original]

YES my mother said the same thing. Plus bite and scratch to get DNA, scream that you don’t know him, cause the biggest scene you can….but DO NOT get in a vehicle/go anywhere with him because “you have to assume that if you don’t get away right then, then you won’t get away at all”.

[appropriately-inappropriate]

Your mom was right. That is standard self-defence advice — fight, scratch, scream, aim for testicles, eyeballs and and the throat. Use your teeth, your nails, your elbows, whatever you can. Maul the fucker.

If someone grabs you and intends to move you towards a second location, fight like your life depends on it:

Because it does.

[inqorporeal]

And in case you think, “I’m smaller than him, I can’t do shit!” my trainer likes to tell this one:

Think of a cat. Cute, fluffy, adorable, right? Much smaller than you. Imagine picking up that cat… and then having a friend dump a bucket of water over it. Hell no, right? You’d get straight-up shredded. Even a big solid guy wouldn’t want to do that.

You don’t have to be the dude. You just gotta be the cat.

[mehmehmehetc]

You don’t have to be the dude. You just gotta be the cat. 

Thank you for this, I’m taking this with me in all walks of life.

[ruby-white-rabbit]

Can reach the eyes? Stab and scoop them from his sockets. Reach his balls? Crush and twist. Hand over mouth? Fingers are now baby carrots. Chomp chomp

If you’re on a bike, cling to it. Make it harder for them to snatch you because now they have a bike to deal with as well. Be embarrassing. Make a fool of yourself to make scene. Scream bloody murder the whole time you’re able.

Show no mercy for you will most likely be shown none as well. Go down in a rage. Make them regret even thinking of considering you.

[dovewithscales]

No one is intimidating right after they’ve been poked in the eyes.

If he’s got both hands on you he’s not defending vulnerable spots. You’ve either got at least one hand or your teeth and legs free and it takes 8 pounds of pressure to do serious damage to a throat.

Do not be quiet. Do not fight fair. Do not hold back. If you’re being attacked and someone’s trying to make you move, whatever’s gonna happen if they get what they want is worse than whatever’s gonna happen if you maim or kill somebody and get away.

[thesanityclause]

I loved in one of those “I Survived” stories a woman was being attacked by a man and she suddenly realized “This doesn’t have to be a fair fight” and just went batshit on him. Also kudos to my badass mom who also always taught me to go fucking feral, even if a man was holding a gun to me, because it’s better to die fighting and your family to know immediately what happened to you, then to disappear and no one ever finds your body. 

[captain-narava-felidae-riggs]

Learn from my Mom’s cat Miss Kitty, who will fuck you up if you touch her without permission.

[shadowphoenixrider]

Ears are nice targets. Smash them into their head, or twist those fuckers like you want them to come off.

The strongest muscles in your body are your jaws, and if anything is in range of your teeth BITE. Bite like you want your teeth to meet. A good thing about human mouths is they’re full of bacteria, and if you manage to break skin, you will almost certainly give the perp a nasty infection.

Whilst germ warfare won’t save your life at the time, consider it as a reminder NOT to fuck with you.

If your mouth isn’t full of flesh, SCREAM. Your attacker does not want attention, and you do. You’ll start to push the scales in your favour as the likelihood of witnesses intervening increases. Like most predators, your attacker is trying to pick a fight they can win - they do not want to suddenly take on another person who has been attracted by the commotion.

Remember; you’re fighting to survive - defer to basic instincts and rip shit up. Your ancestors will be proud.

[lesbiansnoopy]

ngl I really do worry about this generation of children because they were raised in a time where they had 0 privacy since literal birth and some of them are being sold for views by their parents and it just worries the shit out of me lmao 

[badjokesbyjeff]

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”.

“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”.

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

“Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.

“Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.

“No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest.

“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”.

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

“Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.

“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.

“No, sister that’s what the fish is called - a fucker”, says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!”

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

“Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest.

“And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop.

“And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”

[see-y0u-space-c0wb0y]

jeff, change your url

[worldfastcararchived]

i’m going to mail this joke to my grandpa because he loves jokes

[badjokesbyjeff]

@worldfastcar did your grandpa like it?

[scarecade]

player’s handbook: tieflings typically have skin tones similar to humans. though rare, they can also come in shades of red

literally everyone:

[player-offline]

[cyrilthewolf]

Always reblog Hope Corgi.

[kat-walrus]

One of DC’s shining moments

[merman-witha-merplan]

[eroticcannibal]

Anyway I stan one ally

[my-nameis-jasper-deactivated202]

An actual quote from my (now) seven year old after yelling at someone for continuously mosgendering me: what are they going to do dad, hit me? I’m six.

[pufflypuffle]

I stan your child

[vaspider]

@mistresskabooms

[porterr-robinson]

[videochrome2]