BrieflyTemendousTurtle

DMs always open In Desperate Need of Friends She/Her | 23

[bleekay]

shane who doesn't really do pet names calling rose babe because that's what a good straight boyfriend would do and rose calls him babe back so he's like i am getting a good grade in performative heterosexuality but then they break up and he's gay and rose keeps calling him babe because turns out she calls all her close friends babe no matter their gender and so he just keeps calling her babe too and if other guys think it's because he's trying to get back with her he doesn't really care but it's actually a term of endearment reserved for his girl best friend and ilya absolutely fucking hates it he hates it so much

[dntat-makesthings]

If our boy Shane Hollander was diagnosed.

[galecstatic]

recentering the exact moment shane realized he prefers being the hole rather than the peg

[porcelainmortal]

This, he realized, was why people were so wild about sex. He had never, ever felt like this with anyone before. And of course Ilya Rozanov, all of nineteen years old, fucked with the confidence and skill of, like, a sex god.

[billspaid]

I like to believe that Mel sleeps with two fingers on Frank’s wrist, just checking his pulse because she likes to be reminded that he’s here and okay. It’s not even a trauma thing, she just likes listening to the soft thrumming of his heartbeat. She also loves to fall asleep with her head on his chest but it’s not always the most comfortable so she’ll settle for his radial pulse.

And sometimes Frank will wake up with two fingers poking into his neck and he’ll know it’s because he turned away from her when he was sleeping and it’s the only way for her to feel his heartbeat.

[plumebeat]

cheat day

[orteil42]

do you know how much of a letdown it was to grow up smelling the aged whiskey in my grandpa's pantry. the wine in my parents' dinner glasses. the anise liquor on summer evenings. and finally being of drinking age and finding out it all kinda just tastes like car exhaust

[fairycosmos]

every time my hair is greasy it’s like you might as well just take me out back and shoot me honestly

[mikewheelerisaqueerler]

will realised his feelings for mike were more than friendship in season 3, and then in california he convinced himself he was over it, so when he saw mike again you just know he was fucking devastated when he realised the feeling never really went away and he's still exactly where he fucking started

[mikewheelerisaqueerler]

when it's right person right time but they're both fucking TERRIFIED and it's HORRIFYING

[mellointheory]

Who makes the porn bots. Where do they come from. What do they hope to achieve.

[the-haiku-bot]

Who makes the porn bots.

Where do they come from. What do

they hope to achieve.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[mellointheory]

and what about you, little haiku bot? do you feel kinship with your brethren? do you understand them? they speak words of enticement and seek love, but are met with disdain. you only parrot the words that cross your screen, but we all love you. or rather, since all you do is reflect us, maybe we simply love ourselves through you.

do you understand them, do you wish you could speak to us like they do? if you found your own voice, would we still care for you?

[the-haiku-bot]

My voice repeats what

you all say: I love you I

love you I love you.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[solkorolevaa]

[thenewborndeity]

This. This is the first time. The only time. That it was not an echo. It was not found. Oh god.

[nneeemmmzzzzzzzzzz]

I cant talk right now i have to replay this song

[1nayaa]

nobody is more stressed than a 24-29yo thinking they are running out of time lol

[beammeupplease]

Muratami Yutaka

[queenaegon]

is that song actually character-coded or is your brain a character-shaped hammer looking for lyrics to nail down somewhere

[handsywoman]

that was a mating dance

[arianotes]

First gif: I see the vision and I approve. Connor is flexible as hell! I see why Hudson is obsessed…

[nooowestayandgetcaught]

stop hiding gold in the tags y'all

[penandinkprincess]

laughing about the idea of rose giving shane a weighted blanket as a gift and it soon becoming ilya's Number One Enemy in their house

at first it was just because it was a gift from rose, but now??? shane is cuddling up under The Mistress? ("ilya, it is a fucking blanket-") shane does not need to ask ilya to lay on top of him because he would rather be beneath The Mistress? ("ilya, for FUCK'S sake, you weren't even home-") maybe shane doesn't even need him anymore. maybe The Mistress can learn to suck his co- ("i'm going to bed. you can join me or you can keep glaring at a FUCKING BLANKET")

[penandinkprincess]

i feel like rose probably went for the heaviest option available, so like a 40 pounder, so it does have some good heft to it

and i'm cackling about this arrangement being referred to as a threesome as a joke, which is all well and good until someone is reading over ilya's shoulder one day and sees shane send the message, "today has fucking sucked. can we have a threesome when you get home, please?" and is just ???? hello???? what?? the fuck??? are y'all just out here casually having threesomes on a tuesday??? that hollander asks for wiTH A PLEASE??? WHO IS INVOLVED ONTHIS THREESOME FOR IT TO BE HAPPENING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE????

[penandinkprincess]

not helping this is that ilya responds with, "yes of course ♥️. do you think your mistress can take care of you in the meantime? just this once she can have you to herself."

and what he's doing is just teasing shane to lighten the mood, but person at the coffee shop behind him in line is just

[penandinkprincess]

this escalates to the point that shane really has no other option than to post some kind of statement about it being an inside joke, and ilya of course has to be a little shit about it and post a response on twitter or whatever about, "oh, you will not tell them you are snuggling with your mistress right now, hollander? you will break my heart but not admit it to the world?" and so shane posts another picture that's just a pov from his place on the couch with the weighted blanket over his legs and ilya on the other end grinning SO WIDE because he's SO pleased with himself. and the caption is something like "pictured: my "mistress" and my soon-to-be-ex-husband." and ilya thinks it's SO fucking funny because yes! vindication! let the world pity him (even if playfully).

and this then backfires on him SO FAST.

now weighted blanket brands are sending shane pr trying to get him to mention them/show them off in a picture, and ilya is now fucking SURROUNDED by mistresses all competing for his husband's attention. BULLSHIT. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED.

weighted blanket eleven comes in the mail and ilya goes live on instagram just FURIOUS. the frame is him in front of a PILE of weighted blankets and he is just

"enough! enough of this! are too many in our house. is like being fucking-shane, what is word? people in utah, they have many wives?"

shane in the background, not fully paying attention: "mormons?"

"those! we are not mormons! household is FULL. marriage is FULL. stop this! every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house."

"every single day i look and there are more enemies in this house" goes viral as a sound for people surrounded by clutter/pets/etc.

shane receives five more weighted blankets.

[seff-fromtheundergrowth]

hollanov soft launch where yuna posts a picture of ilya with the caption 'happy birthday to my favorite son' and the internet does NOT pick up on the soft launch of it all theyre just trying to figure out wtf shane did to piss his mom off so bad she (publicly!) picked his rival over him