i swear to god, men raising their voice is the most terrifying thing in the whole world. they dont understand, like its an immediate panic response, game over
I actually had no idea women found this so scary
my downstairs neighbors fight on a regular basis, and every time he starts yelling iâm a little afraid heâs going to kill her. i have no reason to think this except that he is a man and he is angry
My math teacher has a loud voice and a temper and he scares the living shit out of me almost everyday. Heâs made me and other kids cry more than once and he and his teacher buddies make a joke out of terrifying students.
this was women in general? i knew my gf didnât like it but I was unaware if this affected most women
Yes, it does
As a woman, I had no idea it effected other women like this. I was too afraid to even talk about it. I thought I was weak. Thanks for bringing attention to this.
My dad thinks itâs funny that I used to cry when he raised his voice. I freak out whenever some one does. Once my director did, and I started crying I couldnât stop. Iâm glad to see Iâm not aloneâŠ
This is so importantâ seeing how common this isâ and I also want you all to know that this is not normal. It isnât something instinctively ingrained into women, to be afraid of men. There is no natural state of men being a threat that women constantly have to be afraid of. This is cultural. So many women and girls here have a mutual understanding of this feeling, and I think it really shows an unsettling truth about our society, particularly about how men are raised to act and how so many women have this defensive reaction gradually develop. Itâs so important that these people have their voices heard, because it teaches us about problems that we just canât deny the existence of any longer.
Iâm glad Iâm not the only one
My fellow men, pay attention. I didnât realize how scary this could be until one of my exes explained it to me, and itâs heartbreaking.
Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, itâs scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didnât think I would hurt her. But see, that doesnât matter. It wasnât a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; itâs a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDNâT trust you.)
Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.
I used to be horrible about this, because I didnât realize how intimidating it was. I didnât understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didnât matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.
I get that when passions are high, and when youâre frustrated, itâs a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. Iâm not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.
Donât tell me itâs too hard, that you just canât do it, or that you âshouldnât have to.â Iâm 53 years old and just now getting the hang of it, and if this old dog can learn something new, so can you.
Note to guys: It really, REALLY doesnât matter if youâre thinking, âbut I would neverâŠâ
History is littered with the bodies of women who believed a man âwould never.â This includes women killed by men who honestly, deeply, truly believed they âwould neverâ⊠right up until she said that one thing or moved in just that way and he just got so mad, just that once, and pushed her or punched her or slashed her or shot her⊠just once, yâknow, to shut her up, or because she was flinching and didnât she know that HEâS NOT LIKE THAT and IâLL TEACH HER TO BE AFRAID OF MEâŠ
We are trained, from infancy, that Men With Loud Voices are a source of pain from which we cannot escape, and attempts to escape may result in more pain. And as soon as weâre old enough to comprehend a world broader than our immediate circle, a world that extends into the past and will run into the future, we realize that there is no way, no way at all, to tell which men âwould neverâ and which men âwould never⊠except if.â
We live or die on that âif.â And any man who doesnât like facing that hyper-vigilance can work on fixing OTHER MEN, not womenâs fear.
The reaction shouldnât be ânot all men are like that;â it should be âno woman should have to live in fear.â
Itâs telling that so many people will hear a story of long-term abuse and say, âwhy did she stay with him?â and not âwhy did he treat her like that?â
