Capitalpunk

A blog dedicated to the little surrealities of capitalism

[oligopsalter-deactivated2020060]

[wrenchswango]

what stage of capitalism is this

[sparklemotioneer]

Terminal

[rnysterydisease]

[paxamericana]

burning to death because i can’t remember the secret maneuver that’s different from every other car on earth or because i never read the manual or because it’s a rental or because it’s a rideshare or because i’m in the back seat and the driver is incapacitated (due to the fire currently burning us to death) or i’m a child

[the-real-numbers-deactivated202]

Isn’t there a emergency door release cable in the back that you have to pull up on, but it actually sits underneath the floor mat, so you have to like peel that shit back and find the cable

[micro-usb-deactivated20230625]

[ceasarslegion]

I wanna be one of the KFC workers in the Pentagon. What is that like. Imagine having that level of security clearance so you can make people chicken on their lunch breaks. When Marx talked about praxis this is what he meant. Does the Pentagon KFC hit different? Imagine being 16 and getting to tell your friends that you work in the Pentagon after school. I want to boil myself in the Pentagon KFC deep fryers

[ceasarslegion]

Metal Gear Solid wishes it was the level of military criticism that the existence of the Pentagon KFC is

[ceasarslegion]

KFC tastes noticeably different in different countries because it has to accommodate things like halal in muslim countries, which begs the question of what exactly is in their north american fried chicken recipe that doesn’t make it halal. What do they put in the Pentagon KFC chicken. Do they put the stuff that made Malcolm the middle in it

[ceasarslegion]

I should be allowed into the Pentagon to slurp up the delicious sultry spices their KFC keeps in the meat locker

[ceasarslegion]

essence of ronald reagan

[ceasarslegion]

going delirious on the thought of ronald reagan pentagon kfc. i want to live deliciously.

[ceasarslegion]

I CHANGED MY MIND NOTHING COULD COMPARE TO WHATEVERS IN THE AREA 51 DEL TACO

[huffylemon]

[despazito]

i was today years old when i learned guantanamo bay has a mcdonalds and giftshop

[despazito]

this is licensed.

[accelerationist-king-piccolo]

Children aren't the only ones exploited by fast food. Elderly people are too.

[best-of-inspirobot]

[Hell on earth is profitable]

[guerrillatech]

[iw9q8q7ysysy]

[brainless-moe-white-lotus]

The toddlers currently binge watching finger family among us pregnancy coffin dance elsa spiderman play with slime compilation videos are going to one day invent the most intriguing and uniquely repulsive EDM subgenre in mankind's existence on their Amazon smart home creator software in 2033

[brainless-moe-white-lotus]

The genre will be typified by 3-10sec long sonifications of NFTs punctuated by the sound of random objects hitting the pavement after falling from a great height. The genre will be cancelled 4 weeks after being created when artist Karkat Musk, known by zir stage name sludge_emoji samples the sound of a box of Ninja Funko pops falling off a warehouse shelf and killing a fulfillment center indentured servent

[afloweroutofstone]

[dispatchesfromtheclasswar]

"People just don't want to work anymore! That's why I can't find employees!"

[loupgawou]

[ID: Text message conversation between OP and their boss, screen-shotted from OP’s device.  OP’s texts are in green bubbles, and their boss’s text are in dark gray bubbles.

Boss: Good evening [OP] I was reviewing the cameras from our shift today and noticed that you were sitting on a stool for the majority of your shift.  This is completely unacceptable behavior and we will be discussing it tomorrow before shift.

OP: I cleared it with [Lead] I have 2 broken bones in my left foot (doctor documented).  Aside from that – I packed 240+UPH for the entirety of my shift, 12 full hours.  I’m not sure if you’re aware, but we do have a ranked list for packing displayed directly above our stations.  My efforts earned me first place today.

So, just to be clear – my impressive performance was overshadowed by the fact that I wasn’t uncomfortable enough while doing it?

Boss:  I’m really not appreciating your attitude.  You could have just said the first part where it was cleared with another lead instead of being disrespectful.  This type of behavior isn’t going to get you anywhere here.

OP:  Hey, thanks for wasting my precious off time with some garbage you didn’t bother to investigate beforehand.

Seriously – 240+ UPH – what you claim to be the pinnacle of performance there, I achieved it, and I get grief because I was sitting while doing it.  You guys need to get your priorities straight.  It is no wonder that you have such difficulties retaining staff.

I’m not concerned with going “anywhere” there.  It’s a toxic environment with ignorant people at the helm.  I won’t be in tomorrow or ever again.

Boss:  We don’t need to rush you leaving.  Let’s talk in the morning and we can sort this out.

OP:  No thanks.  Have a good life.

/ end ID]

[mousemilf-deactivated20250508]

2024. your alex (alexa has been made gender neutral) wakes you up with an alarm at 5:30.... you thought you didn't need to wake up until 7, but your work's schedule app shows that the scheduling ai changed the schedule overnight, following the termination of your coworker brandyn, and your alarm was automatically adjusted. you feel like shit. "alex," you say, "i need to call in. i feel horrible..." you hold still as alex's camera scans you and they analyze your appearance for signs of illness. "you appear to be feeling fine," they say, "are you sure you want me to go ahead with that request?" you grimace.... you're exhausted. you steel yourself for whatever consequences are to come.... "yes," you say. "alright," says alex, "i'm submitting your request now." your phone buzzes on your wrist - the request has been received. a second notification. you've been terminated for falsifying a sick day request. a third - this one is from the property management company that owns your apartment - after receiving notice of your termination, the leasing ai has elected to evict you. within 24 hours, your smart home security will no longer recognize you as a resident. alex starts to count down

[mousemilf-deactivated20250508]

BTW you are not working for some kind of orwellian megacorp you are working at a little coffeeshop owned by a pleasant blonde woman who uses the scheduling app because its convenient and your apartment complex is a small one with only 10 units and the office staff is friendly but they dont really make the decisions and things are so normal you can convince yourself that things are normal and pleasant and everything is so convenient

[normal-horoscopes]

I try to come at occult with the most scholarly and anti-woo attitude possible but advertisements might as well be curses

[normal-horoscopes]

Anthropologically speaking, magic is like religion and science; it's a way of interfacing with and understanding the world.

It can have metaphysical functions, like offering some corn to the storm god so the storm god doesn't fuck over your crop harvest.

But magic sticks around because it also serves social functions: it makes people happy to have a corn festival for the storm god. Festivals are fun, it builds community.

One of the most important forms of magic is called "transactional" magic; forming relationships and communicating with entities that are personified elements of human life. The Greek god Ares is a personification of war, by pouring out some wine for him in the hopes that you'll survive a war, you are performing an act of transactional magic.

The advertising concept of Branding often seeks to personify a corporate entity whose only goal is to sell you things. Coke isn't just coke, it's hip, it's young, it's fashionable, and by purchasing Coke, the corporation will impart those qualities upon the customer. Which is by definition an act of transactional magic.

The fundamental structure of a transactional spell is "Perform rite X, receive boon Y" so yeah! I don't like these fucking advertising wizards putting their stupid glyphs everywhere!

[littlehungrywarrior]

#the coca cola logo is a glyph of Make You Angry

[normal-horoscopes]

This is a good time to show y'all BREATHTAKING by Pepsi:

[critter0139]

numerology