Cosmere Characters Argue About The Best Way to Flirt with Hoid
Cosmere characters flirting with Hoid requested by anon. :)
Sigzil: Now, I'm not saying I ever have or ever would flirt with Hoid...
Sigzil: But if I did, I'd ask him to tell me the tale of Salamander the Bold, a story about a Worldsinger apprentice who seduces his master and then there are 10-15 verses (depending on the version) of their lovemaking.
Sigzil: Very well-known seduction technique in the Worldsinger community.
Rock: That is so....suspiciously specific for someone who has never seduced Hoid.
Sigzil: Y-You're suspiciously specific!!
Rock: See me? I know that "Hoid" is one of the gods. And there is only one right way to seduce a god.
Harmony: Well anyway, I think it works to just keep asking Hoid to come around on various excuses.
Harmony: "Oh Hoid, I need your help saving the Cosmere." "Oh Hoid, I need your advice on something." "Hoid, can you help me get in touch with Valor?"
Harmony: That man LOVES to be asked for things.
Kelsier: That's not-- Look, NONE of you know what flirting even is!
Kelsier: I've successfully flirted with Hoid, and you know what works?
Kelsier: Punching. Him. In. The. Face.
Jasnah: You are bold to claim that others do not know what flirting is.
Jansah: I find that all you need to do is tell Hoid what to do.
Jasnah: I tell him to "insult that man harder" and the next thing you know, we're in bed.
Jasnah: Unfortunate, but it happens.
Design: Oh! I've flirted with Hod!
Design: I say things like "Hey! My boobs are down here!" and "Do you know why you made such a good coatrack? Because you're so hung."
Elhokar: Does he...like that?
Design: [giving two thumbs-ups]: He does NOT!
Elhokar: Well, I have a foolproof strategy that I may or may not have employed.
Elhokar: I would ask Wit to tell me tales of his verbal conquests.
Elhokar: This is happening in my room, by the way, and I'm on the couch.
Elhokar: And as he tells me about all of the wonderful insults he's doled out that day, I'm telling him how clever he is and I also happen to be gradually unbuttoning my jacket...
Elhokar: "Oh Hoid, you're so clever!" "What a smart thing to say!" "Wow, that man couldn't dream of going toe-to-toe with you!"
Elhokar: [noticing everyone staring at him]
Elhokar: Oh, you're all FOOLING yourselves if you think this wouldn't work!
Sadeas: One time Hoid was talking at me.
Sadeas: Saying something or other about how this rock he found on the ground should be the new Highprince of Information.
Sadeas: And I just looked at him and said, "Ooooh, insult me harder, daddy."
Sadeas: He just...walked away.
Sadeas: Flirting? Perfect way to get rid of him.
Shallan: I think Hoid would be seduced by puns.
Shallan: He just seems like the type.
Frost: All of you humans seem to believe that Hoid can be seduced by vulgar flirting and mediocre worldplay.
Shallan: Hey! My wordplay is never mediocre!
Frost (ignoring her): As a long-lived being who communicates with Hoid via letter, I would simply tell him to stop meddling in the Cosmere and start meddling with my dick.
Frost: Obviously I'd dress it up more than that.
Kelsier: Ugh, all of you are so caught up on words when that man is only seduced by action!
Sigzil: He is literally a storyteller.
Shallan: Yeah, words are kind of his thing.
Elhokar: Which is why playing to his ego is the right call!
Jasnah: He has enough of an ego. He wants to be belittled.
Jasnah: Do not presume that I am agreeing with you.
Wax: Why does everyone to seduce my coachman so bad?