Humans are Space Orcs “Cockroaches of the Universe”
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Talk of guns and weapons in this one, so read at your own choice, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
If I have learned anything in my time on earth, it is that humans are very good at killing each other. Honestly, the sheer amount of weapons they have is…. unfathomable. Where most civilizations have evolved in such a way that weapons are used to stun is normal, humans are capable of shaking of pretty much anything that can’t kill you and some things that can. Also, I should point out that, while most of us, think humans don’t need weapons because of their superior physical prowess, they have devised ever more aggressive ways of killing each other.
Let’s take a look at the stunning weapons for instance, used most by policemen and private citizens these include.
a. A baton this is code for, I’m gonna beat you to death with this stick specifically designed to F*** you up. Can be used lethally.
b. Pepper spray, hey you remember those things humans love to put in their mouths because they burn, turns out it burns so much that, if you spray a human in the eye with it, it causes even more glorious effects which include slobbering, tearing up, and a general drippiness. Not always effective.
c. Next comes the taser = this is code for, I am going to electrocute you till you submit, also not always effective.
d. Next comes Tear gas which is pretty much like pepper spray accept they stick it inside a f***ing grenade *(see section 3a) and is generally used on entire crowds of people.
e. Additionally they also like to just choke each other out with their own arms and legs. Because humans are scary as hell, and they love killing each other. Don’t let them fool you with their big doe eyes, hugs, or cuddling. They will murder you. They are adorable bringers of terrible death.
f. Oh they also train animals to eat each other’s faces off, because doing it themselves is to messy, even though they totally could and you can’t talk me out of that fact.
2. Going on to lethal weaponry from smallest to largest.
a. Rocks and sticks, because anything can become a weapon if you swing it at someone hard enough. This includes feet, fists, and teeth.
b. Throwing rocks also works, not to be confused with a sling, a mechanism which allows a human to throw rocks… faster
c. Next up is knives. This could be a pointy rock or, in later years, a pointy steel stick they use to gouge each other’s organs out with, because beating each other to death wasn’t good enough.
d. Spears = pointy sticks they stabbed each other with.
e. Bow and arrow, don’t want to get close to the person your stabbing with a stick. Stab them with your stick from 100 meters by slapping that baby onto a taught string attached to, you guessed it, another stick.
f. An axe = originally used to cut down trees limbs, the logical step from tree limbs is of course each other’s limbs.
g. Swords, because our original pointy metal sticks weren’t big enough, now I’m going to make them as tall as me, and stab people with that, because why the hell not. These sticks come in many shapes and styles, so you always have one to match your coat.
h. Catapult = I didn’t believe this one at first, because who the hell would think of loading a big ass boulder onto a contraption that throws big ass boulders…. Humans, that’s who.
i. Guns = humans favorite way of f****ng each other up. Want someone dead, don’t worry just throw this metal tube of doom up next to your face and pull the trigger. We promise to keep the enclosed explosion contained while it projects a tiny bit of metal at about 1,800 mph towards your enemy.
i. They come in all sizes too, some for your purse, some for your hip, some for hunting large game, and some that are taller than you, and some that are so damn big you might as well just strap that thing to the back of a truck, oh yeah, the humans already thought of that.
ii. Oh they are also capable of firing hundreds of rounds per minute, so have fun committing one man genocide.
iii. Oh, and they make them in bigger sizes too. I honestly get rockets and guns confused, but, if the little ones aren’t good enough for you, you can always just find a massive armored car and strap a F*** off big gun to that. You can also attach them to planes, cars, and boats space ships.
j. Oh yeah, rockets work too. No not the fun kind of rockets that let you go into space. I mean other flavors any kind you like. Big tubes of doom that you hold onto for dear life. Heat seeking tubes of doom, also can be attached to cars and planes like modern catapults, accept instead of just hundreds of yards, it’s all the way across the world.
k. Don’t forget, they can also shoot these underwater (torpedo) more than half their planet is covered in it after all.
3. Explosives = these have different flavors too, and humans are very proficient at making them, all kinds of them, but the important ones include.
a. Grenade = a small metal ball mixing the human ability to throw, with the human ability to rip all your limbs off. How you may ask, well by creating an explosion in tandem with shrapnel, if the sudden change in pressure doesn’t kill you than being ripped apart probably will.
4. Now, for my “favorites”, bombs.
a. This includes dropping high explosive on large groups of people, preferably civilians because nothing says you mean to F*** someone up than by killing large numbers of them all at once.
b. Oh and then there is the ultimate death machine, humanity and death’s love child. The nuclear bomb because it’s a great idea to shoot a proton into an unstable uranium or plutonium atom causing it to split releasing gamma rays and thermal energy so powerful it can burn your shadow into a wall, ha ha oh and if you SOMEHOW survive that because humans are STUPID DURABLE “UNIVERSE COCKROACHES.” Than it will probably give you cancer. The two, and only, nuclear warheads ever used exploded with the force of 20 kilotons of TNT (See reference chart 2a)
i. This is the favorite weapon of entire human populations throwing hissy fits at each other because trade agreements, and despotic mania.
c. And then there are hydrogen bombs, because of fission explosions weren’t bad enough, we are now going to add hydrogen atoms that fuse together and cause the remaining plutonium to explode as well.
i. Because humans want you so dead, they will use the power of the F*CKING SUN.
5. Modern weapons include
a. AA guns for anti-airship using superheated plasma to make your day hell
b. They still use hydrogen bombs, because die, but now they use them bigger, so big that they are capable of glassing your planet and the planet of anyone else who decides to F*** with them.
c. Oh and I heard they are developing a method that could potentially turn your planet into a black hole. They want your planet so gone they will reduce it down to a singularity.
Humans are the embodiment of destructive force, they are death incarnate….
Death Incarnate would really appreciate warm cuddles, and something fluffy to pet.
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