[ cw: death, grief, existential questions, worry ]
[ synopsis: James Potter talks about his life leading up to October 31st 1981 ]
~ it’s Halloween so you know what that means!! Really sad time in the marauders fandom. Anyways, I made this at 2am so if it’s sucks pls do not mention it haha ~
Title meaning - “the approaching dark, the evening draws near”
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Death wasn’t something James Potter liked to think about. He wasn’t quite sure what happened to people when they died, and he wasn’t the type of person to dwell on it. Sirius and Remus would have hours of conversations about how they thought the world works, how they perceived death. James Potter didn’t like to think about death.
“Dead doesn’t mean someone has left you.” Is a phrase commonly used by James’s mother. He hated it. Of course dead meant that someone wasn’t there. He couldn’t feel them, couldn’t see them, couldn’t talk to them, couldn’t hear them. They were dead. Six feet under.
The Prewett twins went first. Followed by Marlene, and then Dorcas a short while later. Plus the many in between who James never had enough time to learn more than a name. And still as the numbers dwindled, James never once thought about himself. He had someone new to worry about now though, he had Harry.
When they had to go into hiding James was worried, of course he was worried, but this felt more like an existential dread of worry. He couldn’t place it, couldn’t figure it out. That was until October 31st. He knew it then.
He told Lily to to get Harry, she ran up stairs and James was alone. He had a moment before Voldemort entered their home. He had a moment to finally think about that one thing he’d been avoiding his entire life. He had a moment. And then there was nothing.
No more time. No more family. No more thoughts. Just the green light from the end of a wand, the sinister laugh of someone who thought they were winning, and the cold hardwood floor that he lay on top of.
As James felt the world dim and the ringing slow, he thought about it all. He wondered if there was a place where he might be able to see his parents, or the friends he lost along the way. He thought about how hard it would be for Sirius, and then he thought about how he ended up here. Peter betrayed them. He wished that he never doubted Remus’s loyalty, he wished Sirius never brought up that concern. He wished he could go back and somehow try to talk to Peter about this. He wished he knew what would happen to Sirius and Remus.
Lily. He wished he knew if she was following him into the unknown. He didn’t want her to, he wanted her to live. To take Harry and raise him to be a better man than any of them ever could be. But James was also scared. He didn’t want to do this alone, he’d put this thought off his whole life in order to not think about being alone. He wanted Lily to grow old. He wanted Harry to grow old. But James also wanted to grow old.
The light dimmed fully and the bright energy that was once James was distinguished. He died with questions in his mind. He died alone.
What was a world without James Potter? A different one, a sad one, people would say.
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