Charlie of the Lake

Awaken Wonder

[thepowerwithin]

When your head hits the pillow tonight, remind yourself that you’ve done a good job. You are headed down your path at your own pace, and with every obstacle you are trying your utmost best. Be patient with yourself, and remember that big things are achieved not all at once, but one day at a time.

[charlieofthedulac]

Uncertainty And Gratitude

How is it possible to miss someone I have met just once like this?

When the way we have come to know each other is mostly through concept. 

Dutifully playing our roles and only momentarily, on occasion, catching a glimpse.

Peering at each other behind the stages curtain before assuming our places. 

In an attempt to play this game and learn the steps of our subtle dance,

I have pulled back even further as I wait to see what you’ll do with that which has been given.

And, even now, I am filled with so much doubt as I reach for a solid faith founded in groundlessness. 

Perhaps I have imagined it all...or else I already sent you on your way through a comically tragic misunderstanding. 

Even so, I continue to feed every thought of you to the fire. 

Offering the ash to that old holy man to use in his own alchemical workings...

But I have come across a predicament that has not ceased no matter how hard I pray.

For as much of you as I burn off, there is always more to give. 

You are constantly with me now. Not in mind, but in the heart. 

Not as obsession or fixation, but as fuel. 

So I can train harder, go the distance, and fight my own battles.

Not to impress you or earn your love.

Frankly, fuck that shit, for lack of more eloquent words to express the sentiment.

Not even to compete with you, although that side has certainly been brought back out 

To push and play and rise to the grand challenge as a new morning dawns...

For you have merely fed my endeavors by helping me to remember myself. 

It was not the potential of your feelings that showed me my worth. 

 No, it was what I felt for you that clarified who I really am, so long ago and once again.

Underneath the pain and knowing and disillusion that I could not un-grasp...

She is here still. 

And this gift of yours remains.

Whatever the nature of our true reality ends up being...

I am better for having come to know you and, for that, I am grateful. 

[charlieofthedulac]

The Heeded Omen

I just wanted you to know

I dreamt of you as well

The night after we met,

Following an evening of such plentiful bounty,

There I was at a restaurant of sterile white

With no food on the table to satisfy my hunger

Professing an unrequited thirst

To one who had no water to give.

When you tapped me on the shoulder

And asked if I wanted to get out of here.

After only a moment’s reflection...

I found that why yes, I quite do.

[thecalminside]

“The mind can go in a thousand directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace. With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

[charlieofthedulac]

The Dangers of the Hunt

I am beginning to learn

The telltale signs of the true predators

Where they leave their tracks

Planted in freshly shoveled earth.

An unintentional sleaziness to the way

They try to cover their errant missteps

Primal animals with deceitful earnest grins

That hide a more troublesome voraciousness.

It’s best to steer clear of their scent

But when it comes to necessary survival...

In the wilderness of concrete and green papers

Their acquaintance any maiden or heroine alike,

Out to venture for herself, is certain to make.

Run the other way when you can

Warn and band with other huntresses when possible

Sound the alarm Only if you are safe to do so.

Staying is never recommended...

Although it has been enticing,

For how splendid the road I’m on does seem...

And this pleasant beast happens to hold what I need

To fulfill certain oaths and obligations.

And yet, while I am weary and know better...

In mind, I spin around with the obvious blunder of continuing

To court what I have seen in file may be a dangerous move

While still looking for a break in the treeline

That could lead to sturdier footpaths

And a brighter well-guarded road.

There is one within my sight

With more familiar and inviting creatures

Who most likely have also learned to hunt 

And stay in packs to guard what’s precious.

Into their well-nourished and vibrant clan 

I am eager to be accepted

And make a split-second escape

Even as I can’t forget he now knows my trail.

Until then, I bide my time in strategy

Only a little uncertain but understanding all the same

That in order to avoid a disastrous altercation...

It would be wise to keep looking. 

[charlieofthedulac]

An Offering

I have become obsessed...

With feeding my thoughts to the inner fire.

Watching them curl and disintegrate

Freeing my mind of their influence

Even my notions of you beloved,

Whoever you really are,

Beneath what is seen and known.

I hear him in my head still...

The guiding whispers of that old holy man

In a plaid blanket woven with sacred threads,

Telling me if what I feel is true...

Then I will lovingly burn you to ash

In that point of my sacrificial flames

So that I can be transmogrified

And something new can arise

That Being that I used to be,

 Which I am now becoming...

Reborn anew. 

[charlieofthedulac]

Enduring The Ocean’s Tides

I bade you, please,

To not read into things and misunderstand me.

I chose you too, out of a vast sea of maybes.

When we finally met, face to face,

No longer out of touch’s reach

There was no question in my mind.

For once, I felt all that I needed to know.

But I am doing my damnedest with what good I have left

To temper this infatuation with a strong dose of truth

So I don’t get swept away by the current of my emotions.

Some days, already, I worry what I might have done

Shamelessly expressing my inner world

Through outer creations that often take on new life.

The rapturous joy that pulled my head above water...

And the sinking guilt that shows up on street corners

Robbing me of breath when I least expect it,

Reminding me of the precarious decisions I’ve made.

But none of that matters now, in this present moment. 

It’s not just that what is done is done,

For it pains me to say that I wouldn’t undo it. 

What I have found buried beneath my feet...

It’s far too invaluable to give up now

And for the way your unexpected noble sacrifice 

Has completely undone and utterly transformed me

Into the simpler creature I once was, so long ago,

I could not and will not carelessly cast this gift aside.

If I can, I will strengthen it through self-denial

Cutting away all the ensnaring desires and longing attachments

That have kept me from swimming to shore

Until the hour and the day is upon us

When we finally give up this ghost

And I throw you a carefully measured line

So we can reach across this ocean of waiting,

While continuing to attend to our own sacred legends

And find out if what we have here is true.

In the meantime take comfort in what is. My love,

The fine golden mist that permeates all things

Carrying and solidified as a shining cord

That has begun to connect us in an unspoken bond

If my electric behavior has made you worry, don’t.

There is no need...I assure you all is well

For everything that has happened...

It’s delivered grace to both of our doorsteps

And I am more than willing to wait 

For good timing to open this treasure box

And find out what lays in store for us inside. 

[charlieofthedulac]

What I Need

I can’t tell if what I’m feeling

Is rejection or just the necessary pain

Of the red shoes being swiftly cut away

By a hunter who probably takes no joy

In severing them and starving the sickness

That has held sway over my own being

For far too long, taking what’s precious

And leaving a trail of wasted potential and time.

I can try to paint his intentions with the disdain and scorn

That I have kept as bedfellows at the request of another

In the wake of lost adoration and praise,

The reassurance and pithy pat on the head,

That I had at once relied on for far too long

Which we all know I don’t need and won’t receive.

Its absence, when before it had been such a bedrock,

Has filled my life with constant exhaustion in its wake.

First in defeat and then in trying fruitlessly

To earn it and crawl my way back

To love’s good graces, founded in truth.

But as much as it has felt lost to me...

Where could it go?

Infatuations that wash away with the tide,

That don’t make room for disagreement,

Aren’t drawn deeply enough in the sand

To tap into the resources of the divine heart.

But I have heard it said...that true love is in the cost.

In what is offered and sacrificed and laid down in service.

And the price I fear my selfish lack of control has taken...

Perhaps the bill is already too much and the check needed.

I have often carried the burdens of my debt, 

Owed to others and shamefully unpaid.

I wouldn’t ask for him to save me,

For I know my strength and can do my own rescuing

From this mess of my own design

That has kept me, not lost, but distracted.

Circling the drain while trying to be good.

Good enough to meet others expectations

And failing miserably at every step.

Discarding my own with the same regard

With which I once so willingly discarded myself

Because I had not yet begun to comprehend

How real love is beyond time, beyond the beyond.

There is no need for patience nor desperation

When it already is here, in this moment now.

No validation required, no spot at the table missed.

It is not even the vessel of whatever is before me.

The light just shines through them as a reminder

Of what all carry inside and still remains in my own soul,

That which can never be thrown away or displaced

The flowering jewel that I carry within my own heart.

Finally, beginning to glow with its own radiance...

Reminding me...

I contain everything I need.

[thegoodvybe]

[charlieofthedulac]

Thank You Notes To The Universe

Thank you.

For this whirlwind of chaos,

Of growth and budding possibilities,

That disrupted my deliberate plans 

To valiantly fall on my sword

And sacrifice it all.

Come hell or high water,

That way I could fulfill my mission.

If not in stories, then in streets 

With the people at my back

Fueling my fire and fanning my flames.

So that none could call me cowardly or selfish.

Whether I met that inevitable end or a cold and dewy cell,

On my way and empty-handed, I was intent to go for the cause.

And yet still the uncertain fear intrudes that he could come...

The dark and angry man, whose visit I long believed I deserved.

But to offer up this elaborate cup and leave none

Of the rare bouquet for my own lips...

That is not a surrender, but foolish defeat.

Not a death of ego, but a death of self.

This is not a warrior's way.

And so...I kneel and bow my head

Finally, to the forces of the Unknown

That sweetly stirred the creature deep within

So I could remember the lost transmission in time

To take care with this impermanent and unconventional life.

I will fiercely guard this precious gift as if it were mine,

As I start this new unforeseen adventure 

That’s bound to begin,

After I lay down my tattered shield

And give it all to the Universe,

With Gratitude.

[charlieofthedulac]

Yours and Mine

It’s so hard to stay away.

To not cross that electronic ocean

With the touch of a finger

Now that I know.

What’s happening in this very moment is no illusion.

But it is a delicate matter all the same.

A near blossoming flower that mustn't be rushed.

Presenting to us all as a series of choices.

So I will listen and try to pull myself away

As much as I can stand...

With knees that are admittedly already weak.

But at the behest of the wisdom

Given by those who know in a good way

Of love and balance and matters of the spirit

I will finally learn a modicum of patience.

For what is meant for me,

It will come of its own accord in time. 

And as the moon turns once over

With its grand dance across the sky

I will go inward

And build a castle on my own foundations

With a draw bridge connecting

Yours and mine. 

[charlieofthedulac]

No Blame

Please know,

I don’t blame anyone.

Or maybe it’s everyone...

Either way, I was just curious.

Who started all of this and why?

So I know who to thank

For this experience

That revealed me to myself

And opened me up to the world

And the new dawn of it all...

[alanwilsonwatts]

The Buddha did not teach about the Atman (the real Self within us) [because] he knew people would use the real Self as a hideout for the ego.

Alan Watts (via alanwilsonwatts)

Personal Comment:

The ego is a fickle thing that sometimes seems particularly skilled in warping spiritual teachings to benefit its own survival. In a very broad sense, Alan Watts teaches that, very often, the easiest way out of a room is simply through the door.

However, when the ego is allowed to operate without spiritual and meditative supervision, it inevitably overthinks and overanalyses everything it encounters. Paralysis by analysis indeed becomes a very real thing.

And, finally, if this does happen, one ultimately ends up in the absurd position of both using the ego to become egoless and becoming attached to non-attachment.

(via alanwilsonwatts)

[charlieofthedulac]

We All Learn From Failure

I kinda want to dispel the myth that you should only learn from people who have succeeded. I’m sorry. I’m calling bullshit. As a current student in the way, my best teachers have been those who have failed and failed often. They’ve been the best guides through the land mines because they’ve BEEN there, they understand the territory. Even after they “made it” they still continue to fail, just in new ways. In the RIGHT ways, I might add. And I do believe there is a right way to fail...

That’s actually how you build sturdy success. You have an objective, you make the right kind of mistakes, you learn from others who have made similar mistakes, you observe the results, and you try again. You course-correct as you go and keep learning through experience and repeated effort until you push through because you had the right stuff at the right time...But you don’t just get there.

Success isn’t a destination and I think we in the west suffer by thinking of it as something we can reach, something we can possess, that we have control over and once we have it life will be...so much better. But maybe it won’t. Maybe that will crumble too. You can’t know unless you’re there. But it’s just accumulative persistence with the right intentions and energy that gets anything done consistently. That’s true in relationships, work, health, school, etc...You just have to show up and keep trying to show up as your best self. For yourself as much as for those around you.

That’s a practice. It’s a daily effort, to learn from those small mistakes(And your successes! You do learn from those too. :P ) as well as the big ones. And to keep doing what you feel called in your heart to do anyways. Then next time you know. You know what you screwed up and you what you need to different this time. And then you do it. You make a conscious effort to choose a different pattern.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in regards to my old marriage, especially today since it’s our old anniversary date. No matter what my ex-husband did or didn’t do, there’s a lot I could have honestly done differently as well. I was good at saying I could work on my phobias and compulsions and work on certain aspects of myself that I definitely needed to work on and look for a therapist...but I didn’t always follow through with any of those things.

Instead, I held onto the fact that he couldn’t love me anymore and, because of my lack of self-worth, I let that sabotage all of my efforts. My ex wanted me to work on myself for myself...but certain fears felt like facing a brick wall and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to show up. And it’s because I still hadn’t learned how to really let go. I was too much of a love junkie.

But in order for a marriage to work, it can’t always be about romantic love. That either fades or suffocates you in its absence if you hold onto that. Real love is showing up as a whole person who doesn’t need to be filled by someone else. If I had focused on what I wanted for me instead of codependently trying to be what I thought someone else needed, we both probably would have been a lot better off for it. If I could have shown my love by just being there as my full self, without clinging, when he needed support maybe we would even still be together...maybe.

But that comes through learning the hard way a lot of the time. Learning what certain patterns look like, how important mental health and understanding trauma is for everyone involved, learning how to help partners with their baggage in emotionally healthy ways that doesn’t step all over our boundaries or theirs or keep us from dealing with our own sacks of shit, to not take on the weight of everything they’re feeling, to communicate openly, and receive feedback without judgment or ego or excuse. Having made all of those mistakes, I don’t want to ever make them again.

And that means consciously choosing to move through life and into new relationships in a different way. A more empowering and liberating way, as much as it is kind of intimidating uncharted territory and a bit of a guessing game...it’s just more practice. Practice in embracing uncertainty, in looking at my own fears and insecurities instead of projecting them, in focusing on my own growth and really loving myself first, in showing love through action instead of just talk... and continuing to show it over time.

I never would have leveled up to this new courseload without first failing big. That’s how the work gets done.

[charlieofthedulac]

‪Happy 88th birthday to the sweet beautiful soul that is Baba Ram Dass! 🎂🎈🎉 Sending so much love today to the teacher and equanimous guide who has completely changed the course of my life and so many countless others. Thank You @babaramdass for your graceful presence and radiant love! 🙏🏻 Ram Ram! ‬ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bv7KnvNl8Kt/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1a0hq16mzyhg2

[charlieofthedulac]

Photos of me with my paintings and with my roomie from the Art From All Angles show a few weeks back. 😊 It was a weird stressful night at the end of a weird stressful week, but we made our own fun and the show itself was AWESOME! So many different kinds of art, so many different perspectives, and so much joyful creative energy in the room. I tend to get overwhelmed and my brain just sort of shuts down in crowded social situations, which is why Tallah was the best damn person to go with that night. She has a super power for starting conversations and making friends with anyone. I’m always a bit in awe of that. XP A socially anxious introvert couldn’t ask for a better wingman than her! . . . . . #artfromallangles #artistsofinstagram #artist #paintings #friends #friendship #roomies #friendsforlife #wingman #selfie https://www.instagram.com/p/Bve0eYwl19N/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=igon60th7kre

[charlieofthedulac]

have but three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. ~ Lao Tzu, c. 6th century BCE - April 14–17 at Breitenbush Hot Springs, Oregon, "Being Here Now in the Middle of Everything." Program details: livingearthoregon.org - Link directly to the retreat page is in my bio❤️ . . . . . . . . . . . . #Yoga #Bhakti #breitenbushhotsprings #oregon #beherenow #ramdass #rameshwardas #bhaktiyoga #retreat #spiritual #spirituality #inspiration #nature #yogaretreat #spiritualretreat #mindfulness #mindful #meditation #satsang #musicforyoga #nadayoga #oregon #portlandoregon #eugeneoregon #bendoregon #buddhistteachings #budhism #hinduism #sangha https://www.instagram.com/p/BvUicanlAE6/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1sd30zlsfjags