im so tired of having myfitnesspal as my most used app with literally hours and hours of my day spent meticulously changing and calculating and restricting and obsessing and feeling guilty over what im going to eat later that day or the next day or in a weeks time so if i go to McDonaldâs with my mum as a cheat its still actually âokayâ and fits my macros i just wanna fucking LIVE. i spend hours making shopping lists i donât buy, looking up restaurant nutritional information to places Iâve never been or probably will go, dream about one day having enough carbs left to have a cookie at Starbucks without having to have salad for dinner later, i just want a fucking cookie, and they look nice, i really want a cookie, fuck i havenât had one in months, maybe a year. im actively trying to change and ive been to doctors and speak to my parents but im mostly alone in whatever this is because im about to move away so doctors wonât refer me, and my parents donât quite know what to do with me, and i donât blame them. i just want to eat a meal thatâs made for me with love and unknown amounts of olive oil that i canât and shouldnât care about controlling. i know i need to eat more, i was practically fucking keto without realising but i wasnât eating enough fat so i was literally just starving. cause thatâs what this is, itâs not restriction and macro obsessing and being in a âfucking massiveâ as ive discovered calorie deficit for over 9 months, im fucking hungry. my instagram is filled with food blogs and pictures and my facebook adverts are for spinach pasta. im hungry. im sad and im guilty for eating what my body needs, wants and desires even though i havenât even eaten it, just tracked it and freaked out so had a protein thin instead of normal bread, just normal things. my doctor said that as a powerlifter, eating and obsessions are normal for weight restrictive sports like mine and isnât related to my actual OCD diagnosis or even my bipolar which ive dealt with for years. to her, my obsessive hair pulling to the point i had to shave my head three years ago and the fact that i pour myself water five times just to have one glass has nothing to do with my obsession with my food scales and tracking and guilt over fucking everything to do with my body. i know i look good. i worked for my body, not necessarily in the kitchen as such but in the gym im my happiest, i couldnât give it up for anything, which scares me too. im terrified of giving myself breaks and i left family visits just to keep up my gym day streaks and feel guilty for taking rest days when my body is screaming for them. im actively trying to, not gain weight, but refeed, and allow my metabolism to ACTUALLY WORK so i can eventually focus on eating what i really want. reverse dieting, essentially. itâs slow and i just want to eat a fucking banana. i donât even know if i like banana, but i want one. im still scared to reach near my carb goals, and my calories are increasing by 50 every week or so, if not faster because im impatient, yet terrified. supposed to get up to 120 carbs. scared to reach 115, was almost at 117 for tomorrow and then restricted myself instead because i know ill end up eating something random in tiny quantities which will take up those 5 grams. itâs so stupid. I should be eating fucking almost twice that yet im still restricting and obsessing because i donât want my body to freak out and gain weight all of a sudden, even though I know it has to happen. i was up .2kg on the scale this morning, and it fucked my whole day up. im still under 63, im still in my weight class to lift, itâs all okay. BUT IM NOT EVEN FUCKING COMPETING RIGHT NOW! this shouldnât matter at all!!!! why am i so obsessed? i just want to eat. i want granola, i want to have normal dominos pizza, my old McDonaldâs order, go out for a scone with my mum, have a celebratory meal for hopefully passing my a levels next week and not fucking look up everything before hand and convince myself i want that salad that would be so much better if it wasnât a salad and was actually a pizza. tired.
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