The people I let walk away without a word
I have been accused all my life of running from problems.
I've been booking plane tickets as a minute form of escapism even since high school. I've never seen it as a bad thing. But other's have criticized me for it, which challenged me to see things from a different perspective. I love the way I live my life and am so grateful to live in an age that it is possible, and to possess a passport from a country with such privilege. I struggle in all aspects of life with leaving too soon and regretting that I jumped ship too early. Venice, New York, London, Tenerife, Nicaragua, India. What was the right thing to do? Things left undone. Leaving potential behind. Hardly stood up for myself. Mostly out of fear of being coined a "bitch". And when I did stand up for myself I was, indeed, granted this title. Never demanded an explanation from those who wronged me. Those who loved me. Often leaving things unfinished or letting someone walk away without saying everything I needed to say. I've had endless conversations in my head begging for answers, demanding some semblance of dignity to walk away with.
And sometimes I stay too long. Bitterness and resentment fester. I feel pressure to squeeze every last bit of experience out of a given opportunity. A given day, hour, minute. As if jumping ship and moving on to the next adventure would be a waste of this gift of my life. The ultimate Fear Of Missing Out that has a small, persistent fire burning deep and hot in the cavity just between my ribs. My loyalty to a person or place and the responsibility I carry in accepting that relationship (of every form) into my life, overrides my desire to walk away. The societal manners, politeness and misogyny that I carry into each situation as well as my unwillingness to stir discomfort in anyone leaves me eaten alive inside until it all explodes. I don't think about many of these chapters any more. They are leaflets in my book that are imprinted on my soul but are not holding my thoughts and actions captive anymore. Time might just heal most wounds and in today's ever connected world, it might be best to walk away and let those questions go unanswered. Or should I write every single person and ask them for their truth? There is no guidebook to today and to repeat the norms and advice of generations past on how to build a life of right and wrong, good and bad, family and love, is useless. Near and far are all but the same anymore. That night that burns in my memory or appears in my dreams every so often was so many years ago, but is also just a few clicks away? Maybe we don’t have to make leaps and bounds. But maybe to move ever so slowly forward, one tiny heel in front of one tiny toe, we have to thank each person and place and day that has come into your life and touched you in some beautiful or tragic way, might be the only way to survive. Because eventually, you'll look down at your feet and those people and experiences who once held you captive will comprise the wave that you catch, that pushes you into the next phase of your life until finally you are free. You are free to close those chapters and open your heart even more fully to the next.
For so long I've been holding my breath in such a way that each day feels like I just arrived at the top of a roller coaster and the drop is about it come. Those butterflies fluttering away in my belly waiting to be released into something new and magical. Whenever it comes.
