Accidentally Kurt

Stuff that doesn't fit anywhere else. My unpolished art and musings, free-form, no direction and for no intended audience.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

I love this little shelf ♡

[christopherweinstein-blog]

The autonomous ego

Imagine yourself rocketing all the way out, and wonder of the tales you would tell upon your return, if and when you did fall back to earth... Just as quickly as that vision hits, you’re instantly weightless for what seems like hours. A few seconds later, you blink your eyes and catch your breath just in time to feel yourself plummeting towards the ground that's approaching so fast you can feel the force of gravity on your bones as if your body is going to come sliding off your skeleton if you were to suddenly stop. Ask yourself “Who's in control here?”... Just before impact you frantically reach for the brakes, but they disappear right as the ground opens up before you. You try to scream for help but all that comes out is a bright white hate you never knew you had in you. The faces of your loved ones fade quickly as their eyes grow wide you feel that burning hate reflecting back at you. The confusion sets in and you begin to let go. It only lasts a few seconds before deafening silence flattens your mind. Everything, every thought, every emotion is now suspended in what feels like a warm bath of calm and comfort, but you are alone. There are no rough edges here. Everything is fluid. Time and space are malleable as is your perception of other beings and their understanding and connection to your soul. Nothing is as it is here. This is the badlands, the wild west, uncharted waters, where things become other things and people become other people. The killing grounds, where we battle our ego and our consciousness is reborn, again and again. With each revolution, an evolution of strength and cunning take over, until the ego is spun off into a separate being all it’s own. A slightly more aggressive, controlling, and destructive version of it’s former self, complete with it’s own consciousness and motives. It’s now do or die as you begin to realize the challenge before you. The door you’ve unlocked has been blown from it’s hinges. This beast stumbles in, growing exponentially as it moves closer and closer. It will take every cell in your dying body to push this thing back, but you’ll have to see it for what it is if you want to win. A highly motivated autonomous ego that thrives on fear and looks like pure hate. It’s stronger, faster and smarter than you are. Always two steps ahead, it easily convinces you to follow it deeper and deeper into the dark, until everyone and everything you’ve ever loved becomes a blur. It’s got you by the throat as you’re convinced you’ve gone willingly. You’ve not been in control for sometime now. It’s singular goal is to put as much distance between you and love as possible. Paralyzed and unable to think straight, your ego stands over you with it’s foot crushing your chest. But this ego, as autonomous as it may seem in it’s lust for fear and hate… This ego, is yours to deny. A sudden realization that you have the focus to fight, as a deep breath fills your chest with air and pushes the ego back just enough for you to gain focus and see it for what it is. Looking beyond all the self doubt and insecurities you see the light of your loved ones coming into focus and a familiar face looking back at you. This time, their eyes have softened and the hate subsides as love rushes in. There you are, the version you love to share with the world. How quickly we forget ourselves when the we allow the ego to take over. THIS is where your strength resides, not in instant gratification and temporary comfort, but in the ability to see the ego for what it is. A monster that has the ability to knock us down and drag us far from love and happiness. The ego is nothing but false advertisement... “Love and Happiness Inside!” is all but lies and you’re no fool.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Even though it confused me at times, I've always loved this pic of me at my parents wedding. I remember finding this photo as a kid and feeling like everything leading up to the wedding was a fog. I'd look at this picture and think "How was I at my Mom and Dad's wedding?" The paradox was very real to that little boy. It didn't make sense but I had this photo to prove it... maybe I was a time traveler. In my mind, you couldn't have kids unless you were married. The rest of the birds and the bees were still a mystery to me, but I was certain the wedding was SUPPOSED to come first. It wasn't until much later that I learned my Dad wasn't my biological father. I have no memory of the guy who skipped out on us shortly after I was born. My parents met on a blind date, fell in love and my Dad got me as a bonus. Abandonment hurts, but sometimes the one who gives up or leaves is doing us a favor by getting out of the way. #family

[christopherweinstein-blog]

I don’t remember the name of the relative. It was something like, Grandma Gussy, or Dubby… or maybe Aunt Janet. What I do remember is, she had an pool that we were going to get to swim in that coming summer.

I remember the excitement leading up to that day. I could swim and I’d been in plenty of pools but this was different. I’d never been in an In-ground pool, a pool with a shallow and a deep end… this pool had… steps.

I imagined the big day. I was going to be just like a deep sea diver and walk along the bottom of the pool. I’d start at the steps and walk all the way to the deep-end, feet firmly planted on the bottom, my parents would be watching from above, cheering me on. I was going to blow everyone’s minds. Buoyancy be damned.

As a kid, I was always proud of how long I was able to hold my breath underwater. Not that it was particularly impressive by any standards. I’d just received enough praise from the grown-ups, I assumed I should be proud of such accolades.

As you might have guessed, it didn’t exactly go accord to plan, I vaguely remember swimming in that pool. I remember it being an enjoyable experience, even if it wasn’t the one I’d hoped for. The thing is, the daydreams leading up to the first swim in that pool are more real in my mind than any reality could ever be.

Today, my Father was teaching my 7 year old Daughter and 5 Year old Son how to scuba dive in his pool. I’m talking, scuba tank, mask and fins… the whole deal.

My memories of the deep sea dive that only existed in my childhood daydreams, has me wondering how my children will remember scuba diving for the first time in their Mimi and PopPop’s pool.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

♡♡ WARNING: Huge wall of text about my grandfather to follow. Thinking about my Papaw Weinstein a lot lately. He passed away in 2000 at the age of 75. Papaw was such an awesome person, so many one-liners and good memories with this man. I can still remember how he smelled like a barber shop and aftershave. I remember riding around with him in his delivery van when he worked for Mar-Bel. He had a naked lady calendar on the dashboard of that delivery van. :) He always snuck cigarettes outside. I’m pretty sure everyone knew, but I remember thinking it was our little secret because he would let me hang out with him on the side of the house when he smoked, but I had to be quite so he wouldn’t get caught by Mamaw. In my head I can hear him yelling for my grandmother “ESTELLE!” It was always clear to me that they loved each other, always joking around. I remember Papaw snored like a bear. I’d sleep over and crawl into bed with them. The baseball game would be on the radio as loud as the volume could go. This was so Mamaw could sleep over his snoring. I never was much of a sports fan, but to this day I still love the sound of a baseball game on the radio. This is Papaw and Me in front of his early 80s Subaru. They had that car forever, bought it new and finally sold it to someone in the neighborhood for a steal. All I remember was the blue, sun dried and cracked vinyl interior. One time him and I were leaving a baseball game and when we got to the Subaru it was covered… COVERED in bird shit. Miss you Papaw

[christopherweinstein-blog]

My buddy @scott_eg recently made a Facebook post calling out all lovers. Something along the lines of... "post your first pic together and your most recent". In October 2015, I managed to convince the woman of my dreams to give me a chance. It wasn't easy but my persistence paid off big time. Once she finally agreed to a date, I was absolutely hooked. Thank god the feeling was mutual. What happened next was like nothing I've ever experienced. I've never wanted, needed or loved someone romantically as much as I do this woman. Looking back at that first photo of us on our way to the coffee barn, I can see there was something different about her... Something different about us. After coffee we sat together for what seemed like a lifetime, holding hands, talking and feeding the squirrels by the lake. It was that day when I realized just how good it could be and just how much a companion's arms could feel like home. Thank you @veronica.jane.stringer ♡. I can't imagine life without you.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Get closer and closer still. It's late morning, later than either of us are used to sleeping. 9:30 am, a far cry from the usual symphony of alarms at 4am. I'm up but you're still dreaming. So I'll lay here for a bit and feel the warmth of your breath on my neck. I'll listen to your cat like noises, literal "meows" and purring. Our legs are tied in knots, your feet somehow twisting and locking around my ankles as you straddle my knee, my hand feels permanently attached to your back. Permanent at least until I decided to take this photo. And then I began thinking how amazing you are and how much I love waking up with you like this. I don't remember being born, I can only assume it felt something like this. Waking in total bliss with a few aches and pains from being stuck in the womb for so long. It's all I know, all I ever want to know but I'm up and you're still dreaming. So I venture outside the cave. I've got one thing on my mind, to make you comfortable, happy, content and loved. That's my ticket back to you, back to that spot, my neck positioned directly I'm the path of your warm breath, as you purr and meow like the perfect little cat you are. @veronica.jane.stringer, I'm a great big fan of us. Good morning Baby. #closer #goodmorning #lover #saturday

[christopherweinstein-blog]

The faint sound of the Bluetooth speaker coming to attention just before the alarms. A subtle click breaks the silence, followed by whatever preselected audio file you've assigned to that time. Early birds ain't got nothing on us... on second thought, snooze. We'll have heard the first three seconds of at least a half dozen different songs before we finally get up. Penélope Cruz's voice from Vanilla Sky saying "Open your eyes..." That one always does it for me. But we still lay there. Awake but in the danger zone There's no more safety net. Fall back asleep now and your going to have a bad day. Laying there wondering What day is it? How many times can we hit snooze? I know what I'm thinking, Did I hit snooze 3 times or 5 Do I feel lucky? Come on Babe... get up. Zero hesitation, you're on your feet, I'm still laying there rubbing my eyes. Leaving a little room for Murphy We're out the door with plenty of time No need to rush A good one comes on the radio "This is a good sign" You say, as you nod your head Before turning it up a bit. Green light after green light... Ahead of schedule Outlook good Today is going to be a good day. #disconnectedpoetry #upearly #alarmclock #wakeup #saturdaymorning #goingtobeagoodday #dirtyharry #doyoufeellucky #openyoureyes #vanillasky #you

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Saturday... working on its piece for my son who is turning 5 next week. If all goes well this will end up being another piece I set aside for a children's book I've had on my mind for a few years. Over time I've drawn a couple of pieces based on the concept. It feels good to be working on this and thinking about that book idea again. #doodleandchill #DrawEveryday #doodle #doodletherapy #sharpie #pencil #draw #drawing #art #sketch #illustration #artwork #sketchbook #ink #creative #doodling #artist #paper #instadraw #doodles #doodleandchill

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Restlessly you pace around the room. Flightless Bird, American Mouth, Is playing on one of your crippled phones. I know this because I just looked it up to reference here. I love your taste in music. I asked you what you were doing As you stood there contemplating what's next. You looked at me and paused, I assumed this meant that you had nothing in mind, just killing time maybe. I said “come here” and you said you needed to tidy up, I said, “do it later, come here”. You did. Ten minutes later you slid off the bed and onto your feet. The first thing you grabbed was the markers. As you made your way to store them, I held my tongue. “Don't put those away, I'd like to draw with you later.” But I didn't say that. I held my tongue. Instead I just thought, “let her go”. Then I just watched you. I do this a lot. I watched you tidy up a bit. One surface after the next. Order out of chaos. I remember thinking two things as I watched you. ONE: Your neatness is so attractive to me. Maybe because I'm the same way, I have trouble relaxing around clutter. TWO: I wanted to talk with you but you were in the zone. I thought to myself, I'll just write her, she can read it later, perfectly normal. For us it is. I love you. I watched you leave the room and return with a small sledge hammer. You had this look in your eye, like you were searching for a quote from Misery, as you did your best to show me your mean face. “What's that for?”, I asked. You finally just giggled and said something about smashing me with it. A few minutes later you were standing up on the chair showing me that you can “do cool stuff”. “I got it, I want to show you that I can do cool stuff.” I know you can baby, but let me help. The two of us wrestled that nail into the wall. Now a new piece of art hangs above the tv. After some time listening to music and doing our own things, you came to lay next to me on the bed. “Everything is good babe.” That's what you said to me. Now you are back up again straightening pictures. You’ll be back.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

My children. I wonder, am I doing enough? Am I being selfish when I take time to enjoy myself away from them? Have I spread myself too thin? Will they recall ever going without? Will they remember the times my attention was not 100% on them, the times I was half listening or the times when I said we'd read that book together but they ended up falling asleep without story time? I've failed so many times as a father that I've lost count. But I'm here. I'm in their lives. I had an out with the divorce from their mother. I could have split if I was that guy. I never wanted that to be an option but it was and still is for that matter, but I'm not that guy. Here's the thing... I spend so much time beating myself up every time I fall short of being father of the year, that I sometimes fail to realize the simple fact that I am not that guy who ran out on his wife and newborn son. My biological father set the bar so fucking low, that all I have to do is show up and I'm already in an entirely different class of parent. But that's the thing, I need to give myself more credit. I do WAY more than just show up. I'm a great father. Even with the joint custody and cooparenting. I'm a damn good dad. Unlike my biological father, I'm here, and I'm honestly doing a pretty good job. I've got to stop measuring my worth as a father to the ultimate failure of my biological father who left when I was a baby. I just need to keep reminding myself that my children don't need Super Dad... they just need Dad. #fatherhood #dad #fail #failure #shittydad #parenting #mindfulness #life #love #divorce #children #kids #reallifedad #dadlife

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Imagination firing on all cylinders. Entertaining themselves with nothing but the space they occupy. It's like their whole lives are a non stop interpretive dance. Floating and bouncing on the shadows, touching the light and riding the waves. Occasionally stopping along the way to inspect discarded bits of other people's lives. I hope they never stop doing these things. #dance #shadows #imagination #kids #tgif #friday

[christopherweinstein-blog]

One day this dude right here is going to grow up and have a life of his own, one that exists beyond my influence. Maybe one day I'll look up and realize that I haven't spoken to, or seen him in weeks. I can only hope that I've done right by him in these early years. I hope he's learning what he needs to. I hope he never wishes I would have spent more time or been more patient. I hope he never feels like I wasn't paying attention when he needed it. I hope he doesn’t ever feel like I didn't have his back unconditionally. I'll just have to hope I did right by him. I feel lucky that I'm thinking about this now when I can do more than just hope. What I really hope above all, is that when that day comes, and this dude stumbles while trying to adult, I hope he knows that I'll be there just the same. Adulting is hard af #dad #love #father #daddy #happy #son #brother #parent #kids #parenting #proud #cute #boy #fatherhood #smile #children #life #unconditionallove #family #beautiful #happiness #protect #peace #safe #protection #trust #forever #adulting #adultingishard

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Altered States, little to no sleep, leads to literally knowing sleep. Living in it, a waking life. Dreaming on your feet. A subtle disconnect from your eyes and hands, telegraphed intentions that fall flat. An angry bull in a China shop would be less dangerous. Breaking eggs to make an omelet that noone wants. Fuck that, eat it yourself and say, out loud, how God damned delicious it is. You've been here before. Burning the candle at both ends with your wheels spinning. They say progress is progress only if you're moving forward. But what of the sideways, the diagonal, and even the backward maneuvers. Moving forward, checking off all the typical goals, until you realize that typical doesn't quite hold your interest. Shifting and redefining success. A candle with both ends burning.... again. But this time, you get to see how brilliant the flame is. Do not look away. Glowing white hot, one day you'll say out-loud, "now that's a fire" and you'll finally know you're truly alive. #upearly #restless #sucess #conciousness #mindfulness #driving #moby ##music #goodmorning #earlybird #poetry #prose #freeverse #TrustTheProcess #timing

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Good morning humans. Have a wonderful day, and best of luck with all your comings and goings. But don't forget to enjoy the experience of just BEING here or there. Silly Humans -Animals #disconnected #consciousness #concious #now #mindfulness #mindful #being #goodmorning #morning

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Careful not to forget the beauty as the seasons dictate change. Grow and change with me. I want to know every version of you and show you every version of me, Bare branches and all. Right down to the roots. To become the light and water, in exchange for the air we breathe.

[christopherweinstein-blog]

Just started a new account. Check it out. @ToothlessPeople Yes it's ridiculous. I'm in a mood. Enjoy.