(Conversations around consent, sexual activity, and descriptions of torture and attempted suicide. I will put a little - before a paragraph with torture/assault and another - when its over. May or may not also include implied consensual activity. We’ll see where this goes.)
Curtis wakes up to soft little regular whimper-moans from behind him. Unsure if his lover is dreaming of torture, or if it’s a happy kind of dream, he shifts back a bit, pressing into Takashi to check. Smiling a little in relief it’s definitely not torture. Sighing a little, he’s awake now. And hungry. They didn’t eat dinner last night. They’d gone to bed. Worth the missed meal in Curtis’ opinion. However, he’s ravenous.
Digging through the cupboards he finds oatmeal, spices, and dried fruit. Surprised to find so many seasonings in the cabinets of a man who rarely cooks, Curtis wonders if it’s a holdover from living with Adam. Especially considering Takashi doesn’t even buy himself proper self grooming products. Probably just habit to keep the spices around.
The fridge has a few flavors of almond milk. Some non dairy creamers, and not much else in it. Overall the food choices are somewhat depressing. There’s more in the freezer, thankfully. Frozen meat, vegetables, and fruit. Shaking his head a little, he sighs.
But another look through the pantry shows plenty of rice, beans, potatoes…cereal. He’s feeding himself.
Finding a flat pan, he starts some of the last of the bacon. Whisks some eggs in a bowl. And adds vanilla almond milk to the oatmeal with cinnamon, nutmeg, and fruit. It can sit until Takashi wakes up.
Curtis likes the simple ritual of preparing food. He doesn’t mind doing this. Although once they live together he figures if he cooks, Takashi can do the shopping. He usually already does the cleaning up.
Some time later he hears a weird noise somewhere between “blech” and “ugh” accompanied by soft but vehement cursing.
“You okay?” Curtis calls when the swearing doesn’t stop but he hears water running. “Did your dream not have a happy ending?” He asks, heading into the bedroom.
“If you can call it that,” Shiro snaps back, voice cracking.
Takashi is naked from the waist down and he throws the washcloth into the sink as Curtis comes in. His face is red and his eyes are full of tears.
“What’s wrong? You okay?”
“What happened?” He gently thumbs a tear off Takashi’s cheek.
“I don’t know. My body never did this. I was, I was finally feeling like I was in my own skin and then this happens!”
“What, as a teen you didn’t get wet dreams? God you were lucky.” Stroking back Takashi’s hair he gently kisses his cheek.
“I didn’t even know this was possible,” he protests.
“It is,” Curtis assures him. “It happens. Not super common, I don’t think. But yeah. It’s normal.”
“Not for me,” Shiro protests. “Maybe the clone?”
“You had his memories and he thought he was you, right? Do you remember that happening?”
“This makes sense to me, love, I’m sorry. It’s been years, right? And you have been so stressed, and so anxious, and so sick… You got a little last night… And your body wants more. Is that so awful? Years and years without any…. What’d you dream about anyway?”
Shiro turns red again, scar livid across his face. “You.” He swallows. “Us.”
“Oh yeah? You wanna tell me what we did that rocked your world so hard it made you come in your sleep?”
Ducking his head down, the tips of his ears are red, too. His silvery hair just makes the blush look even brighter.
“Is it embarrassing?” Curtis asks gently. “Or are you just shy about this stuff?”
“I never really talked about it with anyone. My family was…. Traditional. It was really hard to get used to the idea I liked guys at all. Adam… Had to be patient for a long time. I came out because of him. I admitted to myself… Who I was. I get to be with you because of that,” he says softly. “But … I’m not as… Blase about it as you.”
“Am I allowed to ask you about it? Or tease you if it’s just us? Will you be okay talking about stuff? ‘Cause I’m… I’m not comfortable sleeping with you until we hash out do’s and dont’s.” He meets Takashi’s eyes. “I can wait. It’s no rush. Nothing like that.”
“We can talk about it,” Shiro mumbles, leaning into Curtis. “I was dreaming about…us. You were um, your mouth…I think that time we talked about it has been in the back of my head this whole time.”
Curtis smiles and kisses his temple. “The real thing will be a lot better,” he promises. “Put some pants on, breakfast is almost ready.” He slips away to make sure nothing’s burning and to heat the oatmeal mix.
Shiro comes out in different sweats, still embarrassed. Still he’s done worse in front of Curtis. Such as thrown up on himself in his sleep back on the Atlas. One of the first nights Curtis started checking on him. He hadn’t even really woken up, either. Curtis had had to help him clean up. Change the sheets. He’d brought tea to help with his stomach. And never said a word to anyone about it. Not once.
They eat relatively quietly, seated at the counter with their knees touching.
“What time is it anyway?” Curtis mumbles, mostly to himself. Glancing at his watch he blinks. “We woke up early.”
“Its 0600. I usually get up closer to 0700. Guess I have time to lie around.” He smiles a little.
“What’d'ya want me to pick up at the store?” Shiro mumbles. Already trying to decide on what kind of grooming products he needs. He knows most of Curtis’ favorite snacks already. The man has a sweet tooth.
“Something not frozen or dried…how long am I staying?”
Turning red he shrugs. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk and I don’t want to do that before work if that’s okay.”
“Fine by me,” Curtis agrees.
Done with his food he hops up, taking the now empty dishes and heading to the sink. He cleans up automatically, glad to have something to do. For all it’s a hair harder with just one hand. He has to set the dish down to swab it out. Then he loads them into the dishwasher.
Curtis contentedly watches him move around the kitchen. They’ve only been together a few months as a couple now. But this feels right. He loves this man. Scars and all. And he knows Takashi feels the same way. After all he’s been through, it’s nice to let himself again. It’s nice to be loved. It’s nice to know the person he’s letting himself be with is worthy of it. After his partner had died, Curtis had had a string of one offs and bad decisions. And he’d treated them and himself like trash.
One of the absolute best things about Takashi is that he makes Curtis feel so loved. So wanted. So incredibly safe and special and like he matters more than anything else in the world. Takashi has this special way of focusing on him that makes him feel like he’s the only other person in the world.
“If I go in early I can leave early,” Curtis says, and Takashi nods a little. “Gives us more time tonight?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.” He smiles a little.
It seems a little forced but they’ve been through a lot. “Hey how’s your back feeling?”
Blinking in surprise, he stretches a little, his hand on the small of his back. “Good.”
“Lemme feel,” Curtis smiles. When Takashi comes around the counter and leans over to present as much of his back as possible to his partner.
“Hey look, still not purple,” Curtis teases, running his fingertips up and down Takashi’s back. He laughs when Takashi arches under his touch, just like a cat. “I love you so much,” he says affectionately.
“I love you, too. Please don’t stop,” he adds.
“Well. I will have to eventually. I can’t be late.” But all the same he scratches up and down his partner’s back. He enjoys the way Takashi shifts under his hand. Deciding that both hands might be best in this situation he shifts on the stool to make it easier to give scratches.
Eventually it’s time to go. They kiss goodbye and head out together, but part ways outside the building.
Shiro sends Keith a message.
Stuck going to the store. You need anything?
Probably should grab some basics. Meet you at the store?
Mom says you should bring 'your mate’ a gift. Yes plants. Apparently. Or the skulls of your enemies. But that seems excessive.
That would not match his decor, no.
Keith finds Shiro in the personal grooming section of the store.
He looks up when he notices the Red Paladin. “Curtis also has a problem with my taste in body wash.”
“Problem is I have no idea what to pick,” Shiro shrugs.
Keith peers over in the basket. It looks like Shiro has managed to pick up fruit, vegetables, and some kind of meat in the time it took him to wait for a train to pass. “Sorry I’m late, by the way.”
“Yeah. Slowest train I’ve ever seen. Couldn’t have been going much over 80.”
“Seems like you’re mostly done.”
“Still need snacks. And candy of some kind. Curtis is an addict.”
“Where’s your protein crap you always used to get?”
“I always hated it. And medical says I’m healthy now… So. I didn’t buy any.”
Keith looks over at Shiro and notices some things that disturb him. For one, every time he reaches out to maybe pick a bottle, there’s some kind of tremor in his hand. Two, he’s sweating and the store is chilly. Three, he’s a little flushed. Four, his eyes seem glassy. Getting in closer, he lightly squeezes Shiro’s shoulder and hides his expression. Shirt is damp. He’s been distressed for a while.
“What about pine? You always had some weird thing for forest scented crap.”
“No, that was Adam. I was the one who liked spearmint and wintergreen.”
“So why did you always smell like-…. ? Ah.”
Shiro turns red. “I know Curtis likes cinnamon. But I don’t see that here.”
“There’s stuff that’s kinda minty,” Keith points out. “You can buy whatever you want.” Personally he thinks having to change your scent to please your partner is ridiculous. Probably why he’s not much for dating. “See this one?” He cracks the lid to sniff and then hands it over, watching Shiro’s hand like a hawk.
The shaking is still there. He’s still beading sweat around his hairline and his hair is starting to stick to his face.
“That’s kind of the problem,” Shiro mutters, sniffing the bottle. It smells nice. Shampoo. Okay. So now just body wash. Maybe something for dry skin? He’s been itchy lately and Curtis is probably right. He’s probably drying his skin out. He can take care of himself a little better for Curtis. “Is there matching body wash?” He asks, trying to read labels without giving away the entire aisle is swimming. He’s so stressed out. Which is how he ended up just grabbing a random bottle and bailing the first time around.
Keith looks at him and back at the shelf quizzically before picking it up from right in front of Shiro and handing it to him. “Says ultra cleansing. Isn’t that code for: will dry your skin out?”
“Oh. Maybe I should pick something else.”
Unsure of what to make of this, he shrugs. “You could just get the same brand you used to, and pick a different scent.”
Shiro shifts uncomfortably. “I can’t remember what it was,” he admits. “I’m missing a lot here and there,” he tugs absently on his bangs. Remembering how his skull had been cracked open.
“It’s this stuff in the red bottles. It’s got some stupid names, though.” He tries to keep his expression neutral. He knew Shiro had issues remembering everything that happened while he was enslaved as a gladiator. He had no idea Shiro had also lost any time before then.
“Whatever’s there is fine.”
“Maybe Lance would be more helpful,” Keith suggests. Then they both look at each other and laugh. “Okay so definitely not. But hey there’s only four options, so.”
They test out each bottle, Shiro hates the first. Keith the second. The third and fourth take a while to decide between. Shiro just picks up the matching shampoo and dumps it in.
“Do you think I need more clothes?” He asks hesitantly.
Keith kind of stares. “Judging by your apartment? Probably.” Watching Shiro looking over at something on the other end of the men’s care aisle, he realizes he doesn’t want to help shop for the next thing. “What kind of candy? I’ll grab that while you finish up here.”
Realizing Keith figured it out, he turns red. “Uh. He’ll eat pretty much anything that isn’t black licorice. But he’s kinda partial to anything sour and then chocolate with almonds or peanuts.”
“Thanks.” Shiro wanders down to the other end of the men’s aisle. There’s an overwhelming amount of things and he’s realizing he’s not sure if Curtis has preferences. And his personal comm is off at work. And Shiro isn’t going to call him about condom brands on a Garrison line. They’re all recorded. While he’s not sure if it will be days, weeks, or months until they need any supplies he’d rather have them on hand.
Thinking about what he’s used before, he doesn’t see any familiar packaging and the aisle blurs in and out of his vision for a minute. There, he grabs a few things. He’s not into anything all that interesting, and looking at some of the grocery-store approved toys makes him feel uncomfortable. A few things look like something the Galra would have found a way to weaponize and use and while he’s sure before all this he would have been game… Now he isn’t. He realizes he doesn’t even really want Curtis on top of him, either. Or at least, not inside him.
He can still feel the blood running down the inside of his thighs. Sometimes just dripping steadily down without touching his body at all. They’d ripped him open in a new way. Trying to find some other way to torture and scare him. He has no idea how they guessed that, or if it was half accidental. They hadn’t realized that human joints really weren’t that flexible when they broke his elbow. Just testing his limits.
Shuddering he’s terrified of the scarring ripping open again. Of just anything tearing into him.
Trying to imagine if he could go down on Curtis his throat tightens and he swallows hard against a gag. What if it feels like the feeding tube they’d forced down his throat? He’d been refusing to eat after. Had tried to hide the bleeding. When it stopped he’d been so depressed he’d given up hope and reopened the wound. Tore skin. Hadn’t cared. He’d wanted to bleed to death. They’d stapled the wound shut, drugged him with a paralytic that did nothing about the fact he couldn’t sleep, shoved a tube down his throat, and chained him spread eagle so he couldn’t move so much as an inch and inflict more damage.
Keith finally can’t spend more time in candy and goes back to find Shiro. He’s worried. He recognizes the stricken look he sees and gently takes Shiro’s hand and pulls him away. “You can’t get pregnant anyway, you don’t need those.”
Blinking and coming to, “school really failed you, didn’t it?” He asks absently.
“You’re cleared of any and all diseases and so’s he. Nothing he can give you or vice versa.”
“Maybe he doesn’t like to swallow,” Shiro says conversationally, still shaky. He knows Keith hates when he talks bluntly about this kind of stuff. So it’ll stop the conversation in its tracks.
Keith makes a face. “Let’s go find you a shirt that isn’t black or grey?” He suggests.
“I look good in those colors.”
“Yeah Shiro everyone does. What colors does Curtis like?”
Everything, Shiro wants to say. Curtis is full of life and color in spite of everything. “Purple. Galaxy purple like in those hubble telescope photos…” He says softly, thinking of the prints he’s seen in Curtis’ apartment. “Dark blue…” His bedroom.
“Black and grey used to bring out my eyes…” Shiro teases, fluttering his eyelashes and trying to recover from earlier.
“And match your hair.” Keith just shrugs and smiles blandly.
They wander over to the clothing section and browse. Shiro ends up with a simple deep purple henley, a dark navy vneck sweater, and Keith convinces him to try a maroon vneck tee and deep green henley, too. “Add some color old man.”
They drop the groceries off, Shiro throws the meat and some seasoning into the crock pot. He can’t bake to save his life but he can dump things in a pot and walk away. While he’s busy Keith discovers Shiro’s battered running shoes. After lecturing the other man about his knees and feet taking unnecessary damage he forces Shiro back out to get new shoes.
Then he drags him to get some nicer towels, a second set of sheets, and some actual jeans, and some nice button ups so Shiro can dress up a little without going full uniform. Shiro only has 2 pairs of black pants and Keith feels odd realizing what they’re doing. Maybe he he should have let Curtis do this. But Shiro started on his own. Keith just helped him finish. And made sure he had more than just the absolute bare minimum cheapest crap he could pick in two seconds.
When they get back Keith helps him load all the fabric into the wash so it’ll be ready before Curtis gets back. He has a feeling the other man will appreciate all the changes. Looking at the clock he’s surprised its only a little after 1400 hours.
He notices Shiro never really stops shaking, and he seems uncomfortable the whole time. Not unwilling just not himself, either. “Do you remember forcing me to pick out clothes?” He asks suddenly.
“Yeah you were a real shithead.”
“Thanks for not returning the favor.”
“Wouldn’t know how to be that obnoxious even if I tried,” Shiro smiles.
Shiro shakes his head a little. He flops tiredly onto the couch unsure what to make of all of it.
Keith lets Shiro sleep, fear mounting in his chest cavity. He switches the laundry into the dryer. He’s not sure what to do to help Shiro. But at least the man has food. Nice sheets, soft towels. New, clean clothes. The food smells good, and Keith finds himself puttering around looking for things to do, because he’s afraid to leave Shiro alone.
Eventually he settles on the couch, putting a hand on Shiro’s chest to feel his heartbeat. It seems steady. Normal. Healthy. But the tremors, the sweating, the indecision… It’s all so concerning.
Eventually the dryer dings softly. Keith gets up and finds himself remaking the bed, folding clothes and more or less pacing around again. Somewhat amused he’s the one taking care of Shiro for a change, he settles back down on the couch when the housekeeping is done, watching him sleep.
He dozes off eventually, and wakes up to the door sliding open.
Curtis smiles as Keith hastily exits, and sniffs the air appreciatively.
Kneeling down by the couch he presses a gentle kiss on Takashi’s forehead. “Hey handsome,” he smiles gently. “Wake up, love.”
Takashi blinks awake, and smiles when he sees Curtis. Curtis gently strokes his cheek and kisses him.
“You hungry?” He asks gently. “Food smells good, what is it?”
“Brisket, and I have veggie salad in the fridge. Just needs dressing.”
“Sounds good to me, you ready?”
“Yeah. Keith ran me ragged.”
“I can see that. Once we eat do you just wanna go back to bed?”
“Okay,” Curtis agrees. Kissing his forehead again he stands up. Watches Takashi shift an arm under himself and sit up, and ease his body off the couch. He seems like he’s moving easier. Less stiff.
Takashi quietly gets out plates and silverware, still half asleep. Pulling the salad out he has 2 choices for dressing and lets Curtis pick. Dumping food onto his plate, he settles at the counter and waits for Curtis to do the same.
When he’s done serving himself, he unbuttons his uniform, and settles the jacket across the back of his chair. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Of course,” Takashi smiles back. They bump knees as they eat. He’s happy to eat quietly, the hustle and bustle of running errands and dealing with people has him drained. The nap helps but just sitting there with his leg against Curtis’ makes him feel better. That and not being required to talk around the food.
Half wondering if they should have talked first, in case he made himself sick, he breathes out a sigh through his nose.
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to wear myself out so badly, though. Sorry.”
Curtis nudges his leg, “it’s fine.”
When he finishes he rinses off his dishes and loads them.
“You cooked, I would have cleaned up.”
“You do most of the hard work in our relationship, I think,” Shiro smiles. “I can handle some dishes.”
Curtis frowns a bit, but decides that can be part of their conversation later. He’s absolutely not going to let that slide. Their needs just look different. He smiles when Takashi pulls out a sack of candy. And then laughs when he realizes how full it is. “Trying to fatten me up?”
“I just… There’ll always be some here for you.”
Holding out his hand he takes Takashi’s gently as he comes around the counter and tugs him in close, between his legs. Tipping his face up they kiss for a few moments. Soft and gentle. They pull away and smile. Takashi is a little pink and Curtis smiles. Seems like everything works fine now.
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