A Mess, But Make It Poetry

emotionally processing… but make it ✨artsy✨ (featuring feelings i didn’t order)

[cirktrick]

݁ ˖Ი𐑼⋆ ────────────────────᭪┆ 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚊 𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚜, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚙𝚘𝚎𝚝𝚛𝚢 🌸🖤. ᭪

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

ᵗʰⁱˢ ⁱˢ ᵐʸ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᶜᵒʳⁿᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ⁱⁿᵗᵉʳⁿᵉᵗ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ᵍᵉᵗˢ ᵗᵒ ᵉˣⁱˢᵗ ᵃᵗ ᵒⁿᶜᵉ.

ₜₕₑ ₛₒ𝙛ₜ ₐₙ𝙙 ₜₕₑ 𝙘ₕₐₒₜᵢ𝙘. ꫂ ၴႅၴ

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭-𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 ༘⋆

𝙩𝙝𝙚 “𝙞’𝙢 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙚” 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 “𝙞 𝙖𝙗𝙨𝙤𝙡𝙪𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩” 𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙗𝙮 𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙖𝙬𝙠𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙 𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙨. ‹𝟹

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ ·

✎ᝰ𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙡𝙡 𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙙:

⤳𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦-𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘦𝘵

⤳𝘱𝘰𝘦𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘱𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩

⤳ 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦… 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘥, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 “𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵” 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴

⤳𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭

⤳ 𝘤𝘰𝘻𝘺 + 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴 (𝘨𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨)

⤳ 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘵, 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘺

· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ · ·· · ─ ·𖥸· ─ ·

𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕥𝕤 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕓𝕖 𝕤𝕠𝕗𝕥.

𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲.

𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚌, 𝚞𝚗𝚏𝚒𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚍, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚢 𝚠𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚝 2𝚊𝚖.

i’m not here to be perfect.

i’m here to be real… and maybe turn the mess into something a little beautiful. 𐔌՞. .՞𐦯

⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ ⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ ⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ ⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆

if you feel too much,

or not enough,

or like you don’t quite fit anywhere—

you’re welcome here. ◡̈

stay a while ᥫ᭡.ִֶָ𓂃

જ⁀➴

╭────── · · ♡ · · ──────╮

𝙃𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙩𝙖𝙜𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙘𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙩:

ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ꜱᴛᴏʀɪᴇꜱ ᴛᴀɢ:

#𝙺𝚃𝙲𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚜𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜

#𝙲𝚒𝚛𝚌𝚞𝚜𝙻𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚕𝙼𝚘𝚖𝙻𝚒𝚏𝚎

ᴍʏ ᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝙺𝚃𝙼𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚢𝙼𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚙𝚒𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚜

#𝚒𝚍𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚍𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚊𝚖𝚟𝚒𝚋𝚎

ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚞𝚗𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚍

#𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚏𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚏𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚒𝚛𝚕

ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ ɢᴀᴍᴇ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝚜𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚍𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢

ʙᴏᴏᴋ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝚒𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎𝚝𝚘𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚊𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛

ᴛᴠ ꜱʜᴏᴡ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚝𝚟𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚜

ʀᴀɴᴅᴏᴍ ᴛᴀɢꜱ:

#𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚖𝚢𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚙𝚒𝚛𝚎

╰────── · · ♡ · · ──────╯

[cirktrick]

anime beach episode music playing faintly in the distance while everything is actually on fire

Life update because I vanished off the face of Tumblr again 🌙💻✨

First things first: I FINALLY got a PC, which means I have fully entered my “2009 MySpace coder girl with too much caffeine and access to HTML” era. I’ve been customizing Tumblr themes like I’m fighting for my life in a magical girl transformation sequence.

And somehow during all this I accidentally collected Tumblr blogs like Pokémon gym badges. I have FIVE now 😭 This one is still my main headquarters though. The others are like little DLC expansions to my personality.

Now for the actual season plot.

Before school ended, things at my mom’s started getting super tense. Basically, I was late on my golf cart payment because someone never fully paid me back, so financially I was standing there like Squidward watching SpongeBob and Patrick run away with his wallet.

The April payment was late, BUT on April 29th I paid BOTH April and May. Then a letter showed up on May 1st saying April had been late and May’s payment would be due May 15th.

Simple enough, right?

WRONG ✨

My mom saw the letter and immediately unlocked Ultra Instinct Anxiety Mode and became convinced I was two months behind even though I had literally already paid both payments. I even showed her the website and the email confirmations proving everything had already been paid, but at that point it felt like I was an anime protagonist trying to convince the council not to exile me while dramatic violin music played in the background.

The cutscene dialogue options failed me anyway, and eventually she told me me and my son had to leave once school was out for the summer.

Originally, I was supposed to move in with a friend back in my hometown temporarily, just for the summer until things settled down. Then life decided to write itself like a Final Destination side quest because TWO DAYS before I was supposed to go there, her husband lost two fingers in a lawn mower accident.

Yeah. That happened.

So those plans exploded like a Sims kitchen fire.

Meanwhile, I had recently made a new friend because another person up here had apparently been doing the classic anime betrayal arc and talking badly about both of us behind our backs. Honestly it felt very “background character revealed to secretly be the villain in episode 19.”

Then somehow, like the world’s weirdest cozy slice-of-life plot twist, two days after my original plans fell apart, me and my son ended up moving in with my new friend instead.

And genuinely? They’ve been nothing but kind to us.

Like Studio Ghibli side-character levels of kindness. Soup-on-the-stove energy. Extra blanket energy. “You can stay as long as you need” energy.

NOW HERE COMES THE PART WHERE THE WRITERS START THROWING CHAIRS.

The literal next day I went back to my mom’s to get my stuff. I even asked before coming over.

I got there and she had changed the locks.

Like girl this is not an episode of Shameless 😭

And now she wants to start seeing my son every other weekend again like before, and honestly I’m still emotionally buffering like an old YouTube video on hotel WiFi.

ALSO because apparently this season needed a bonus filler arc, tomorrow I’m supposed to go stay at my dad’s for five days to watch his dogs while him, my stepmom, and my sister go visit my brother.

Which normally would be fine EXCEPT I may have fractured my tibia after eating absolute dirt at a Dollar General like some low-budget WWE match. My feet have also been swelling up like crazy to the point I have literally gone from a size 7 to a size 12.

My body right now feels like when a cartoon character gets stung by bees and inflates like a balloon animal 😭

So I’m really not looking forward to hobbling around for five days pretending I’m not one wrong step away from turning into an anime hospital arc.

So yeah.

That’s the current lore update.

It’s been stressful, weird, sad, and honestly kind of absurd in the way life sometimes becomes a sitcom written by raccoons. But me and my son are safe, we have a roof over our heads, people around us who have been genuinely kind, and for the first time in a while I finally feel like I can unclench my shoulders a little.

Right now I’m just trying to rebuild my little cozy corner of life one Tumblr theme, iced tea, and emotional support playlist at a time 🌧️✨

Anyway thanks for sticking around through my random disappearances. The season finale was wild but hopefully next arc has more cozy filler episodes and less “surprise medical bills” content.

[cirktrick]

I didn’t get to post yesterday because life decided to hit fast-forward, but my son’s birthday came and went in a blur of love, chaos, and cake crumbs somewhere in the universe 🎂✨

And today? Whew. Today felt like I got possessed… but in a productive, slightly unhinged, cleaning-goblin kind of way.

For the past few days I’ve been hauling stuff to storage like I’m in some low-budget moving montage, but TODAY… today I snapped. In the best way.

I deep cleaned my son’s room. Not just “picked up a little” — I mean full transformation. Then I turned around and did the same thing to my room like I was chasing a high score in a cleaning simulator game 🧼🧹

Everything that’s been sitting, waiting, staring at me? DONE.

And I gotta say it… this new medication? Yeah. It’s the GOAT. 🐐

For the first time in a while, my brain feels like it’s working with me instead of against me. I feel focused. Energized. Capable. Like I can actually move through my own life without dragging a thousand invisible weights behind me.

I’m not saying everything’s magically perfect, but today felt like proof that I’m still in here… still able… still building something better, one cleaned room at a time.

Also if anyone needs me, I’ll be sitting in my spotless room like a Victorian ghost who finally finished her unfinished business 👻✨

[cirktrick]

okay… remember how I said my life was a romantic comedy with no romance and way too much chaos?

yeah so now we’re adding ✨paranormal activity✨ to the genre list.

because of course we are.

so rewind to last Sunday. me and my mom get into an argument, vibes = tense, emotions = spicy, so I go stay the night at my friend Miss Ma’am of Mildly Haunted Real Estate.

normal, right?

WRONG.

around 11:30pm her son (we’re calling him Captain Bedtime Negotiator) keeps saying the TV keeps going back to the home screen by itself.

and I’m like, “hmm. okay. either technology is being annoying… OR you’re trying to avoid bedtime.”

so I tell him to go ask his mom, thinking nothing of it.

fast forward.

I go to sleep. took my Ambien like I always do.

now here’s the thing… I have NEVER woken up in the middle of the night on Ambien before.

ever.

until that night.

I wake up at 3:40am.

for absolutely no reason.

which already feels illegal.

so I’m sitting there like 👁️👄👁️ guess I’m awake now?? cool cool cool.

so I step outside real quick to ✨handle my business✨ (yes… 420 blaze it… judge your mother not me), come back inside…

and that’s when it starts.

I hear this faint banging.

like… soft at first. easy to ignore. could be pipes. could be a sink. could be the house just being old and dramatic.

but then it gets louder.

and louder.

and suddenly my whole body is like 🚨DO NOT MOVE🚨

you know that feeling?? like your instincts clock something before your brain does?? yeah. that.

and I just knew… if I got up to check it, I was gonna see something I didn’t sign up for.

and lately I’ve been feeling God more in my life. I wouldn’t call myself super religious, but I KNOW there’s something there.

so I’m laying there, heart doing backflips, and I say in my head:

“I rebuke this in the name of Jesus.”

once.

nothing.

twice.

still nothing.

the banging keeps going.

so now I’m like okay??? we’re escalating???

and I say it OUT LOUD.

“I rebuke this in the name of Jesus.”

and tell me WHY.

the banging.

stopped.

IMMEDIATELY.

like someone hit pause on reality.

and I just laid there like 🙂 yeah I’m not sleeping anymore.

so I stayed awake until it was time to take my kiddo to school because absolutely not, I was not about to drift back into whatever THAT was.

BUT WAIT.

IT GETS WORSE.

(or better, depending on how much you enjoy being haunted)

this week at my mom’s Christian-based therapy office… her fuse box has been OPENING by itself.

the CAMERA keeps picking up:

- random banging sounds

- movement (and it only records when it senses motion 👀)

- and LIGHT ORBS floating around like we’re in a ghost documentary

like I’m sorry???

since WHEN is my life an episode of “God vs. Ghost: The Remix”???

so yeah.

between the haunted electronics, mystery banging, and me apparently casting out whatever was lurking at 3:40 in the morning…

I would just like to formally announce:

I am tired.

I am confused.

and if anything else supernatural happens, I’m clocking out and letting Jesus handle customer service directly.

anyways… stay tuned because at this point I don’t even know what genre my life is anymore

[cirktrick]

okay so first of all… hello hi I’m alive 👋

I know I kinda vanished like a side character that got written out mid-season but I promise it’s not for dramatic effect (for once). life has just been… aggressively happening.

so quick recap of the chaos:

I sold a bunch of my Nintendo Switch games 🫡 yes, a sacrifice. a noble one. a slightly painful one. all so I could afford a storage building because that was one of my mom’s conditions. we love a “financially struggling but still making moves” arc.

money this month? questionable.

me? resourceful.

vibes? unstable but determined.

ANYWAYS.

Friday arrives. big day. storage building secured. feeling productive. feeling responsible. feeling like maybe, just maybe, I have my life together for five minutes.

WRONG.

because before that… my mom needs help taking her cat to the vet.

no carrier.

just vibes.

so I’m holding this cat like I’ve been chosen as his emotional support human. he gets FOUR shots, which already feels like a betrayal in his eyes. on the way home, he climbs onto my shoulder like some kind of slightly unhinged parrot.

I’m thinking, “okay, this is a trust thing. a bonding moment.”

no.

this is a WARNING SIGN.

he climbs down.

farts.

I ignore it. growth.

he comes back up.

does it again.

but THIS TIME??? this is not just a fart. this is a full spiritual attack.

I look down and there’s… something… on the leash.

my mom says, “don’t look.”

so obviously I LOOK.

mistake. catastrophic mistake.

this man has absolutely DESTROYED my shoulder. like I’m standing there looking like a biohazard parrot stand. it’s in my hair. my clothes. my dignity is GONE.

the drive home was seven minutes.

SEVEN.

it felt like I lived an entire lifetime in those seven minutes.

I’m gagging. I’m fighting for my life. my mom is asking where her phone is like we are not currently in a poop-based emergency.

and then… justice.

he crawls onto her.

karma said “I got you.”

we finally get home, she hoses me off OUTSIDE like I’m a muddy dog, and I go take the most emotionally significant shower of my life.

after that?? I STILL go get the storage building and start moving stuff in because apparently I am nothing if not resilient.

so yeah.

that’s been my life lately.

a little stress.

a little growth.

a LOT of cat poop.

I’ll update y’all soon about the spooky stuff that’s been happening because yes, of course there’s more.

but for now just know:

I’m living in what can only be described as a romantic comedy…

without the romance…

and significantly more fecal matter.

[cirktrick]

so today i discovered something new about myself

apparently if you suppress your feelings long enough they don’t go away 🤡 they just gather in a little meeting room in your brain like:

“alright everyone, she’s sick, emotionally exhausted, AND being told she’s not doing enough… this is our moment.”

and then they all clock in at once.

so instead of my usual “it’s fine i’ll just internalize this and cry later like a normal person” routine

i actually stood up for myself???

like full sentences. paragraphs even. WITH STRUCTURE. who is she.

and don’t get me wrong it was not graceful. this was not a soft spoken disney princess moment. this was more like

“i have been quiet for 27 years and now you’re getting the director’s cut with bonus commentary”

but you know what???

for the first time ever i didn’t just sit there and let someone tell me who i am.

i said:

no actually i AM trying

no actually i AM sick

no actually i DO deserve to be treated like a human being and not a background character in my own life

and yeah it got tense. yeah it got awkward. yeah i probably dropped an emotional novel on someone who ordered a short conversation

but also???

i didn’t abandon myself to keep the peace.

and that feels weird. and uncomfortable. and kind of powerful??

anyway if anyone needs me i’ll be over here recovering from having boundaries for the first time in my life like i just ran a marathon barefoot on gravel 👍

[cirktrick]

okay so explain to me why i am the ABSOLUTE weakest link when it comes to playing horror games myself

like if you hand me a controller and turn on literally anything even slightly spooky i will fold instantly. i’m talking pause menu. i’m talking “nope i need to go to the bathroom” energy. i’m talking suddenly remembering i have taxes to do and i don’t even pay taxes.

BUT.

put me in bed. lights off. phone in hand. watching some youtuber willingly walk into the world’s most haunted janitor closet??? suddenly i’m the calmest, most emotionally stable human alive.

like why is this????

why does my brain go:

“you playing the game = immediate danger, you will perish, this is the end”

but

“random guy named something like xXShadowMilkXx walking directly into a demon’s living room = cozy vibes, popcorn, maybe a little giggle”

and it’s not even just watching. it’s the WHOLE EXPERIENCE.

- the commentary like “oh that’s not good… that’s not good at all…” SIR KEEP GOING

- the slow creeping down hallways that I would NEVER survive myself

- the jump scares that hit THEM and not ME so I get the thrill without the emotional damage

- the way they open doors like they have a death wish and i’m just sitting there like a spirit guide: “yeah king go ahead open that definitely haunted door”

it’s like outsourcing fear.

like i hired a freelancer to experience terror on my behalf while i sit here wrapped in a blanket burrito feeling ✨safe✨

and don’t even get me started on how it somehow becomes relaxing???

like why am i getting sleepy watching someone be chased by a creature that sounds like wet spaghetti and regret

why is this my wind-down activity

why is this my version of a lullaby

anyway moral of the story:

i cannot and will not be the main character in a horror game

but i WILL be the emotional support ghost in the background going:

“you’re doing amazing sweetie don’t turn around :)”

[cirktrick]

UPDATE: THE SAGA HAS TAKEN A HEALING ARC AND I AM EMOTIONALLY RECOVERING 😭✨

okay so remember Miss IOU & Vanish???

REBRANDED.

we are now calling her Captain Barely-Functioning But Still Trying because BABY… life was LIFING for her.

she texted me back, and not only did she explain what was going on, she SENT MONEY.

not all of it… but MOST of it.

like just $20 short.

and listen… old me would’ve been like:

“hmm suspicious. jail.”

but NEW ME???

I called the place for my bill like a responsible citizen of society (growth???) and they were like:

“yeah you’re fine, just pay it before the first”

and suddenly the sky parted, angels sang, my stress packed its bags and MOVED OUT.

so now I’m sitting there like:

wait…

you mean to tell me…

I don’t have to:

- spiral

- cut someone off

- assume betrayal

- or start emotionally drafting a documentary titled “why I trust no one”???

WILD.

and THEN.

she tells me she didn’t want to lose me over money.

and I swear something in my chest just…

melted.

like we both started crying and it wasn’t messy drama crying, it was that soft,

“oh thank God we actually care about each other” kind of crying.

and I realized something REAL important:

sometimes people aren’t being fake.

sometimes they’re just…

drowning a little.

and still trying to keep their promises with water in their lungs.

and yeah, she didn’t do it perfectly.

but she showed up.

and that matters more to me than perfection ever could.

so no, I didn’t lose a friend over $177.

I gained a little more understanding.

a little more patience.

and a LOT more peace.

also my nervous system would like to personally thank everyone involved for calming down because GIRL we were about to flip a table.

anyway.

if anyone needs me, I’ll be over here:

not cutting people off prematurely,

celebrating small follow-throughs like they’re olympic events,

and learning that maybe…

just maybe…

grace and boundaries can exist in the same sentence.

[cirktrick]

So I did something dangerous… something reckless… something that woke up my 2008 AMV demon like it heard a distant Linkin Park intro echoing through time…

I MADE A TAMON EDIT.

And listen—this was NOT about sadness.

I did not come back from retirement for emotional damage edits.

I came back for one reason and one reason only:

✨ Tamon Fukuhara’s confidence switch ✨

Because EXCUSE ME???

This man really goes from:

🕳️ hoodie creature, avoiding eye contact like it’s a side quest

to

✨ “yes I am him” in 0.5 seconds???

And you expect me NOT to edit that???

I haven’t made an anime music video since like 2008.

Back when:

- YouTube quality was fighting for its life

- Every edit had unnecessary zooms and sparkles

- And I was cutting clips like I was being personally sponsored by teenage angst

So I open my editing app like:

👵 “it’s been 84 years…”

Immediately confused.

What is a timeline.

Why is everything yelling at me.

BUT THEN—

something ancient took over.

Because the SECOND I started pulling clips of him switching into that confident version???

It was over.

I was syncing that transformation like it was a full-blown event:

- beat drop = personality flip

- smirk = spiritual awakening

- eye contact = rent paid, crops watered, skin clear

Like sir… you can’t just flip a switch and become THAT and expect me to stay mentally stable???

AND THE EDITING—

I treated every switch like a magical transformation sequence.

This is not a man.

This is a genre.

Meanwhile 2008 me is in the background screaming:

“ADD DRAMA!! ADD RANDOM FLASHES!! MAKE IT SHAKE!!!”

And I’m like:

“No… no… we let him have his main character moment.”

Because confident Tamon???

That’s not just attractive.

That’s a public service.

I was replaying clips like:

“yep… that’s the exact frame where he knows he’s hot… lock it in… that’s cinema.”

And don’t even get me started on how satisfying it was lining it up with the music???

I sat there like I just directed something life-changing.

Anyway if you see a suspiciously dramatic Tamon edit where he’s out here switching personalities like he unlocked a final form…

mind your business.

That’s not an AMV.

That’s a cultural reset.

[cirktrick]

not me coming back to tumblr after like 15 YEARS thinking it’s still just vibes, fandoms, and people arguing about soup

and TWO WEEKS IN

TWO. WEEKS.

i get a message like

“⚠️ YOUR ACCOUNT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. CONTACT OUR VERY REAL DEFINITELY NOT MADE UP SUPPORT MAN NAMED GREG WITHIN 24 HOURS OR ELSE ⚠️”

sir.

SIR.

i just got back. i haven’t even finished reblogging my emotional support anime men yet. what crimes could i have possibly committed besides simping and forgetting my password

like i haven’t even been here long enough to develop a personality on this app and you already think i’m running a financial scam??

also why does your “official tumblr support” look like it was designed in microsoft word 2007 and blessed by a scammer with a dream

AND ON TOP OF THAT

i am literally just a girl

on an emotional roller coaster

blogging my life like i’m writing a dramatic screenplay

every post is either:

• “i have discovered the meaning of life”

• “everything is falling apart”

• “look at this fictional man i would ruin my life for”

and now apparently:

• “i am under federal investigation by greg from tumblr”

tumblr in 2010:

✨ fandoms ✨

✨ chaos ✨

✨ supernatural gifs ✨

tumblr in 2026:

✨ fandoms ✨

✨ chaos ✨

✨ supernatural gifs ✨

✨ and now… CRIME EMAILS FROM THE VOID ✨

anyway if you need me i’ll be over here not contacting “certified dispute staff” and continuing my very serious career of reblogging hot fictional men while spiraling cinematically

[cirktrick]

yesterday felt like I accidentally wandered into an episode of “Real Housewives: Grocery Store Parking Lot Edition.”

so I’m cruising in my little blue buggy, minding my business, feeling like a peaceful side character in a Studio Ghibli moment…

when I see this girl walking with her three kids (we’ll call her Miss Carpool Karaoke Crisis).

I’m like, “hop in, I got you.”

simple. kind. community points earned.

tell me why five minutes later I’m suddenly cast as the unwilling host of

🎤 “Hot Gossip: Live & Unsolicited”

her kid asks me for a ride somewhere later and I’m like:

“…I feel like I need a permission slip signed by three adults and a notary for this”

so I message my friend (we’ll call her Captain Boundary Builder) and she’s like:

“yeah absolutely not, that was never the plan”

love that. boundaries. stability. we respect it.

but the SECOND Miss Carpool Karaoke Crisis hangs up…

she transforms.

like a Pokémon evolution but instead of leveling up, it’s just pure drama energy.

she starts going OFF about Captain Boundary Builder.

and I mean OFF off.

like she’s been holding a grudge in a crockpot on low heat for six business days.

I’m sitting there like:

ma’am I offered you a ride, not a confession booth.

and when I don’t really engage, she pivots (of course she does).

now it’s:

“yeah and she talks about YOU too. says you’re basically her babysitter.”

…

and I’m like:

oh??? plot twist??? betrayal DLC unlocked???

and JUST when I’m about to write it off as premium hater behavior™

her kid goes:

“yeah I’ve heard her say stuff about you”

and my brain immediately goes:

🚨 trust issues have entered the chat 🚨

so now I’m driving like:

haha wow that’s wild 😐

but internally I’m spiraling like:

“am I a clown??? am I the group project???”

later I see Captain Boundary Builder at the park and instead of going over, I reroute my entire existence because suddenly I’m like:

“what if I’m not liked here?? what if I’m just… convenient???”

fast forward to today.

I bring it up to her.

and instead of getting defensive, she starts crying and says it’s not true like that. that yeah, she’s vented before, but not in a “I secretly hate you” way. more in a “I’m overwhelmed and processing out loud” way.

and she explains that Miss Carpool Karaoke Crisis is mad because she stopped being her personal Uber + daycare combo.

so now I’m standing there holding two completely different storylines like:

🗡️ “she talks about you behind your back”

🌧️ “I vented but I care about you”

and both feel possible.

and I hate that feeling.

because I don’t actually want to cut people off.

I just want to not feel stupid for trusting them.

and THAT is the real wound.

not the gossip. not the situation.

just that quiet little thought:

“are you making me look dumb when I’m not around?”

and just to spice things up, this is all happening at the SAME time a different friend (we’ll call her Miss IOU & Vanish) owes me money that I literally need for a bill.

so now my brain is like:

“SEE??? CONNECT THE DOTS. BUILD THE CASE. RELEASE THE DOCUMENTARY.”

meanwhile I’m over here trying to have ✨emotional growth✨ like it’s a hobby.

so instead of going full villain origin story, I’m trying something new:

not deciding everything immediately.

I know. revolutionary. someone alert the press.

right now all I actually know is:

I haven’t known Captain Boundary Builder long.

I’ve heard her vent and yeah… sometimes it does sound a little complain-y.

someone who doesn’t like her tried to turn that into something bigger.

and she got emotional and tried to explain herself.

AND separately:

Miss IOU & Vanish has not paid me back yet… and I actually need that money.

two different situations.

one overwhelmed brain trying to merge them into a single dramatic conclusion.

so for now we are practicing something called:

✨ not burning down relationships based on incomplete evidence ✨

she’s currently in the category:

“liked… but on a probationary vibe.”

like yeah, you can stay…

but I’m watching you the way a raccoon watches a shiny object.

respectfully.

and Miss IOU & Vanish?

she’s on:

“please respond before I emotionally file paperwork” status.

anyway.

if anyone needs me, I’ll be over here

trying not to let one chaotic car ride rewrite my entire perception of reality,

fighting the urge to emotionally audit everyone I know,

and learning that maybe…

just maybe…

I don’t have to solve people in a single episode

[cirktrick]

I think my brain is playing two truths and a lie, except it forgot to include the lie.

Everything feels true at the same time and I’m just standing here like ??? cool cool cool.

My best friend was supposed to pay me back today. I even gave her extra time because I knew she was struggling. Tried to be understanding, tried to be soft about it.

But now it’s the 15.

And I need that money for a bill.

So now I’m split like a badly written plot twist.

One version of me is pacing in circles like:

“if her words don’t mean anything then SHE doesn’t mean anything. cut her off. block. vanish. become folklore.”

And the other version of me is sitting there holding a tiny emotional teacup like:

“you love her kid. you love her family. are we really about to go nuclear over $177???”

Meanwhile I’m in the middle like:

girl… pick a personality.

And I know exactly what this is.

This is that part of me that expects disappointment like it’s scheduled. Like my brain already set a reminder:

“hey just a heads up, they’re probably gonna let you down 💕”

So when it happens, even a little, it doesn’t feel little.

It feels like:

oh. of course.

there it is.

I knew it.

Disappointment doesn’t knock politely for me.

It kicks the door in wearing abandonment issues and starts rearranging furniture.

So yeah, my brain goes extreme real fast.

“If she didn’t follow through, she’s not shit.”

But if I slow down for two seconds… that’s not actually what I want.

I don’t want to lose people.

I want people to mean what they say.

I want to not feel dumb for trusting someone.

That’s the real wound. Not the money. Not even the situation.

It’s the feeling of “was I stupid for believing you?”

So right now I’m trying something different (and it feels illegal, honestly):

just… facts.

I asked respectfully.

Today is the agreed date.

She hasn’t responded yet.

I don’t know the full story.

That’s it. No dramatic music. No burning bridges (yet). No main character meltdown… okay maybe a small one.

I’m trying not to let a triggered moment make a permanent decision.

Because maybe this isn’t a “cut them off” situation.

Maybe it’s a “wait, communicate, and then decide if trust needs to be… downgraded to the free trial version” situation.

Anyway.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be here,

experiencing emotions in 4K ultra HD,

trying not to delete entire people over a single scene.

character development is exhausting.

[cirktrick]

Not me going to a car show with my son just to get put up for trade like a Pokémon card 😭😂

This man’s showing us this European car called a Lotus, talking about how it’s the same one from Pretty Woman, then has the audacity to call me pretty too—

AND BEFORE I CAN EVEN PROCESS THAT—

my son goes:

“my mom’s single and I’ll let you date her if we can keep the car.”

sir???? 🤨

the betrayal. the negotiation skills. the absolute lack of loyalty.

smh I really carried you for 9 months just for you to try to trade me for a Lotus 😭😂

[cirktrick]

i think people misunderstand clowns

they see bright colors

loud laughter

big exaggerated smiles

but they don’t really look at them

not closely

because if you do, you’ll notice something

there isn’t just one kind

there’s the happy clown

the one that makes people laugh

the one that can brighten someone’s day, even if just for a second

and then there’s the sad clown

the one that feels a little heavier

like the smile doesn’t quite belong to them

like it’s something they put on, not something they feel

and the strange part is

they’re not opposites

they’re the same

just different versions of the same thing

and i think that’s why i chose it

because if i’m being honest

it feels like my life fits into that a little too well

like one side of me can brighten people’s day

make things lighter

make things easier

and the other side sits there quietly

feeling everything a little too deeply

and at the end of it

they both kind of land in the same place

like one big joke

not in a funny way

just in that weird, disappointing way sometimes

where it feels like no matter which version shows up

happy or sad

it all kind of circles back to the same feeling

and i don’t even fully know how to explain that

just that it’s there

both of them

coexisting

not canceling each other out

not fixing each other

just… existing

like two clowns sharing the same face

and somehow

that makes more sense to me than anything else

[cirktrick]

some people hear what’s said

i hear what slips

the part that lives in the half-second too early

in the almost-smile

in the tension people think they’re hiding

i don’t remember learning it

there’s no origin story here

no moment where everything suddenly made sense

it’s just always been like this

faces were never just faces

they were moving, shifting, giving things away

little fractures in whatever someone was trying to hold together

and i noticed

not on purpose

not like a skill i sat down and built

it just… happened

and without thinking, i started responding to it

adjusting

matching

shifting pieces of myself to meet whatever i was seeing

like my brain was translating something quietly in the background

and my body answered before i even realized there was a question

for a long time i thought that was normal

that everyone moved through people this way

until i realized they don’t

and now every once in a while

something small will happen

nothing important

nothing life-changing

just a moment

like the way i interact with my mom’s cat

how the way i pet him isn’t random

it matches him without me thinking about it

and i’ll pause

just for a second

and think

is that weird

is this something everyone does and just never talks about

or is this something else entirely

i know people are different

but statistically speaking, someone else should do this too

so what is it

adhd

autism

bpd

just high empathy

or am i just a weirdo that discovered that most people wear masks and if you look closely enough you can see the cracks

because there’s another side to it

when i can read someone

everything feels steady

predictable

but when i can’t

when someone’s face goes still

controlled

gives nothing back

it feels like trying to walk through something with no light

no signals

no warning

nothing to follow

and i don’t like that

so i keep my distance

which would be simple

if it didn’t turn back on me

because i can do it too

i can shut everything down

keep my face neutral

give nothing away unless i trust you

like i can read you

but you don’t get to read me

and maybe that’s part of it

maybe this isn’t just about seeing

maybe it’s about surviving what you see

i don’t know

all i know is

what people say has never been as loud

as what they try not to

[cirktrick]

today was supposed to be nothing

(i’ve been putting it off again

for days

maybe longer

like joy is something that needs permission

like my own happy place has a locked door

and i’m the one holding the key but won’t turn it)

anime has always been my place

my quiet corner

my soft escape

so why do i stand outside it sometimes

like i don’t belong there anymore?

today i stopped asking that question

and just… stepped in

“today is anime day,” i said

like a spell

like something simple and gentle

that might actually work

and it did

laundry spinning in soft circles

like the world was finally moving

without asking too much from me

and i moved with it

not fast

not perfect

just enough

pause

watch

clean

pause

watch

breathe

and in between all of that

i let these little worlds touch mine

go for it, nakamura-kun!!

with its awkward heartbeat

its clumsy, fragile yearning

the kind that makes you laugh

but also reminds you how terrifying it is

to just be seen

and then

witch hat atelier

and that one…

that one didn’t just play on a screen

it opened something

like fresh air

after you didn’t realize you were suffocating

like something in my chest said

“oh… there you are”

the magic wasn’t loud

it didn’t need to be

it was ink and patience

lines drawn carefully

like the way i used to believe things mattered

just because they were made with care

it felt like childhood

but not a memory i can name

just the shape of it

the softness of it

the part of me that used to sit quietly

and imagine more than what was in front of me

and for a little while

i could breathe deeper

even a replica can fall in love

felt like holding something fragile

like love that isn’t sure it deserves to exist

but does anyway

marriagetoxin

loud and chaotic and sharp

like a jolt of energy

like laughter breaking through fog

my ribdiculous reincarnation

ridiculous in the way that makes your brain loosen its grip

like it’s okay to not make sense for a while

pardon the intrusion, i’m home

not a knock

not a question

just a quiet return

like stepping into a space that already knows you

like belonging without needing to explain yourself

always a catch

a reminder that nothing comes easy

but maybe that’s what makes it worth reaching for

and yesterday

roll over and die

start to finish

like falling all the way into something dark

and coming back out of it

still here

and somewhere in between all of these stories

i was still here too

cleaning

pausing

watching

building

because before today

i wasn’t watching anything

i was home

heavy in a way i don’t always know how to explain

the kind that comes from being around things that weigh on you

the kind that settles into your chest and makes everything feel harder

and instead of reaching for what i love

i kept reaching for control

so i built worlds in the sims 4

not just playing

building

with base game pieces

and one spellcaster pack

stretching what little i had into something bigger

because it felt easier to shape a world

than sit inside one i couldn’t change

i built three of them

(or maybe they’ve been building me)

one is anime

filled with characters i’ve loved

recreated carefully with what little i have

trying to get their faces just right

like if i try hard enough

they’ll recognize themselves

one is cartoons

pieces of my childhood stitched together

every sim a memory i could hold

even if it’s slightly off

even if it’s base game and imagination doing most of the work

and one is games

mario and luigi walking past leon from resident evil

cloud from final fantasy existing in the same space

like different worlds forgot they were supposed to be separate

i didn’t even know i could play like this

not really

until i found pixerella

and suddenly the game wasn’t a game anymore

it was possibility

and now it’s chaos

the best kind

because tell me why naruto

has six kids

two with maka from soul eater

one with remi from kpop demon hunters

one with jazz fenton

two with garnet from steven universe

no plan

no structure

just life unfolding in the most unhinged way possible

and i don’t control it

not really

i just watch

intervene when necessary

like a quiet narrator

like someone holding the edges together

while everything inside moves freely

it’s messy

it’s ridiculous

it’s mine

but somewhere along the way

i realized

i wasn’t avoiding anime because i didn’t want it

i was avoiding it

because i didn’t feel like i deserved to feel better

so today became anime day

not because i had time

but because i needed air

and somehow

it fit perfectly between episodes

between chores

between breaths

real life isn’t like that

but today didn’t fall apart

it held

not perfectly

not magically fixed

but gently… steadily

like breath returning

without being forced

i don’t know why i keep putting this off

the very thing that helps me

the very place that feels like mine

but today i remembered

it’s still here

waiting for me

not judging

not rushing

just… open

and for the first time in a little while

so was i

[cirktrick]

on being touched when I don’t want to be

this is something I don’t really know how to explain without sounding “weird”

but I don’t like being touched

unless I want to be touched

and most of the time?

I don’t.

it’s not anger

it’s not even always fear

it’s just this… feeling

like my skin tightens up

like my body goes “no” before my brain even catches up

and I don’t fully understand why

maybe it’s something from my childhood

maybe it’s mental health

maybe it’s just how I’m wired

I don’t know

but I do know this:

being touched when I don’t want it

doesn’t feel small to me

it feels loud

it feels overwhelming

it feels like something being taken instead of given

and that’s hard to explain to people who don’t feel it

---

what makes it harder…

is being a mom

because there’s this idea that you’re supposed to always want to snuggle your child

always be soft

always be open

and I love my child more than anything

but that doesn’t mean my body always wants contact

and that makes me feel guilty sometimes

like I’m doing something wrong

like I’m not enough in the way I’m “supposed” to be

---

and then there’s this other layer

my mom still, even now, will smack my butt sometimes

like it’s a joke

like it’s nothing

and she’s always done that

and I hate it

I always have

and I don’t think people realize how much stuff like that sticks with you

how it teaches your body that your space isn’t really yours

so now when anyone even acknowledges my body in that way

it just… makes me uncomfortable

like I want to shrink out of my own skin

---

I’ve wondered if I might be demisexual

or something close to that

but honestly I don’t even know if I need a label

all I really know is this:

I don’t want to be touched when I don’t want to be touched

and that should be enough

---

I’m not broken

I’m just trying to understand myself

in a world that keeps telling me I should feel differently