they're trying to get me to do something called ""my job"" instead of reading about medieval english poaching laws
we're not kids anymore.
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

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@cobaltandcaffeine
they're trying to get me to do something called ""my job"" instead of reading about medieval english poaching laws
"my life isn't a crime, I'm not one of those people -"
"you sure? new parameters for Those People just dropped. check again."
And if you truly cannot imagine this, if you're convinced that it will never happen to you, consider this one thing.
Would you want scammers to know the state of your loved one's dementia?
Would you want scammers
to know the state of your loved
one’s dementia?
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
can't believe the only options are 30 minutes early or 10 minutes late. if only there were some other way. but what can you do
[guy confused about lesbian relationship voice]: okay ... so which one only tells lies?
I don't like to admit it, but sometimes I actually miss John Green.
Sometimes I can almost hear him.
rulette 2 is just demi and anna playing and slowly ruining sam's life with their chaos and then josh ruben in his own personal saw trap
imo the pov character should be lying to themselves and concealing shit from themselves constantly
exactly, bestie. Exactly
jan 6 is going to be one of those events historians look back at in 100 years questioning how the hell absolutely no one was punished for this, and instead rewarded for it 10 times over
what is this genre of photos called
god i love hadestown so much and this recording is next level. oh my god. oh my GOD.
my beautiful wife, severe thunderstorm warning, is texting me 😌😚😍😍
happy pride to girls who didn’t know that women could be nice to you, inscrutable polycules, straight people in forbidden marriages, body snatchers who kiss their own reflections, poets obsessed with long-dead warriors, predatory cougars, lesbians who are in fact the problem, and girls who are in love with a corpse
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)
A once-in-a-lifetime shot — the moon perfectly framed by a rainbow. Caught at just the right time. 🌈 🌕
Sourcing the photos as taken by Mark Ham on Instagram, according to one of the replies.
Happy Pride month to the moon
Grace insisted on putting Carl's name on the most important paper of the century 🎉
Yeah no i’m not crying over Carl being the first author 🥺 and necessarily the corresponding author as well after the launch 😬🙃
“Sick”. (Carl & Grace, 20??, p. 22)