Losing people is hard. I mean, it seems like everyone has that one best friend they’ve held on to since childhood, someone they just can’t let go of for some reason. Sometimes, it’s because that person is just a really damn good friend, and other times you just keep them around because they’re familiar and you don’t like change very much, so you figure “Well, keeping them around will keep some consistency in my life, so what the fuck.” Mine was the “really damn good friend” kind. He was the best friend I have ever had. He was the first friend I ever made on my own (4 years old), and life without him is so god damn hard. But you know what? People die. Even if you aren’t ready for it. Even if you just saw them last night. Even if you two had plans for tomorrow. People fucking die, and sometimes there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Sometimes there isn’t anything you can do to even prepare yourself.
For me, it’s been almost 7 years and still, if I’m alone for long enough, my mind will begin to wander and I’ll find myself back at my parents house, in my old bedroom, Thanksgiving 2009, at 10:33 pm, holding the phone to my ear, listening to my best friend’s sister tell me that my lifelong friend and I will never talk to each other again, never laugh together again, never hug each other again, that we will never again reminisce about the decade and a half of memories we had made together… I can still feel that exact fear and that exact sorrow I felt. And I’ll tell you man, it doesn’t get any easier. The only thing that happens is, one day you get tired of crying. You just learn how to bury the pain long enough to get through your day without anyone realizing that this whole fucked up thing has changed you in ways they couldn’t possibly understand. You want to talk to your other friends about it but you don’t because it’s been so long since it happened and you don’t want them to get annoyed that you’re still bringing it up. You have imaginary conversations with him when you’re alone because for some stupid fucking reason it comforts you, and you don’t know why. You still, seven years later, haven’t been able to bring yourself to delete his name from your contacts list in your cell phone. And even though you’ve maybe met people who have become hugely important to you since he died; a girlfriend, a wife, a boyfriend, a husband… even though they’ve become a huge part of your life… sometimes you feel as though they don’t really even know you at all because they didn’t know the person you were before your best friend died, cause you’re different now. It changed you, and you miss who you were. But like I said, losing people is hard. I would know.
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