pairing: jean kirstein x gn!reader
content: this takes place during the scouting mission to marley, so in between s3 and 4
a/n: finally!! a part 2 to nightmares hehe!! sorry it took so long I was so uninspired and eh idk! also wasn't sure how to end it at all so oops! view part 1 here
You had been quiet on the boat ride to Marley. The heavier clothing felt uncomfortable, and the atmosphere was stiffer then the linen suit you had been wearing. Â
âHeyâ, a voice came from next to you. If you had been startled, you didnât show it.
âHey,â You greeted the person beside you without turning to look at them. You recognized the previous voice as Mikasaâs.Â
âWhy are you avoiding Jean? Itâs very⌠awkward,â she stated bluntly.Â
You let out a curt laugh, your eyes remaining on the sea.
âIâm not avoiding him. I just have no interest in talking to him.â You lied through your teeth.
âWhy?â Mikasa was quick to ask.
âMikasa, what would you do if you told Eren how you felt and he shut you down completely? If he made you feel like utter garbage for feeling the way you do?â
The short haired girl was quiet.Â
You had no reason to be so short with Mikasa, I mean, she didnât do anything right? Itâs not her fault she was the object of Jeanâs affection all the fucking time. She couldnât help the fact she was beautiful, strong, and so many other great things.Â
But you were angry. Angry that Jean seemed fine in the weeks that passed your confession, he was even back to his cocky, albeit, over confident, self. He had become flirtatious once more. You often saw him flirting with some of the other scouts, however knowing Jean, it was just good fun.
Why didnât you get to have fun? Why did you have to spend your time avoiding your friends so you didnât create an awkward environment for them whenever you were around Jean (a feat which obviously had failed).Â
You felt alone. For the first time since you joined the 104th cadet corps, you felt truly and utterly alone. You lost the man you thought you loved (in the worst way possible might you add), and now you were pushing away your friends.Â
The trip to Marley was meant to be a scouting mission, go undercover to investigate the status of Marley as a nation and identify its weak points. However, it was more than that. It was a chance to finally feel free, and you were going to use that to your advantage. This trip you were going to just live. You were going to live for yourself instead of anyone else. Being a scout meant being aware that time is limited. You never knew when you wouldnât be returning home. So although a part of you had longed for a life with Jean and your friends, a life where you all lived happily, forever, you knew better than to think that dream could ever become a reality. What you didnât know? You failed to realize that there had been a familiar pair of eyes watching you from afar.Â
For as long as he could remember, Jeanâs feelings for you were far from platonic. He wasn't stupid, he knew he had royally fucked things up between the two of you. He wasnât sure why he wasnât able to accept your confession to him, especially when everyone around him knew how he felt about you. But now here you were avoiding him, and well to be honest itâs not like he was actively seeking you out. Which is why Jean was so surprised to find you sitting alone in the back of one of the tents of the family who had brought Eren and the rest of you to celebrate with them. You looked more upset than usual, which Jean knew was probably because of him.
The rustling of Jean pulling back the curtain separating you from the others had caused you to look up.
âOh- uh- Iâm sorry, I didnât know you were back here, Iâll give you some space,â He muttered, turning to leave. He had a nice buzz and wasnât looking for anything to take that away, and to be honest, any conversation with you would probably do just that.
âItâs fine, you can stay,â You mumble, avoiding his gaze. âIâll leave.â
âNo!â Jean interjected startling the both of you. âI mean uh- you donât have to⌠we can hang out⌠like we used to.â
You stared at the boy in front of you. He had been shifting his weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable. You should have laughed in his face. But you couldnât. Something longed for Jean the same way you had before. So instead, you nodded.Â
Jean wasnât sure why he said that. Quite honestly the last thing he wanted was to âhang out.âÂ
âSo uh⌠how have you been?â He found himself searching for something, anything, to say to you. You scoffed and sent him a glare. Obviously he had made the wrong choice.Â
âHow do you think Iâve been?âÂ
Jean cleared his throat. âRight uhâŚâÂ
âListen, Iâm really sorry. I didnât mean to hurt you or make you feel isolated from anyone.â
Your eyes shot up to meet his, how did he know you felt isolated? He must have sensed your confusion because he quickly answered.
âYou donât hang out with anyone anymore. They miss you. I miss you.â
You frowned. âJean⌠youâre the one who pushed me away. Not the other way around. I told you how I feltÂ
âI know!â He exclaimed before clearing his throat. âI know I did,â he mumbled this time.Â
A silence fell between the two of you.Â
âWhat can I say to make things better?â Jean pleaded. âPlease.â
You gave him a sad smile. Truthfully there was nothing he could say. Your friendship- or whatever the fuck youâd call it was tainted.
âI miss you.â He stated again, firmer than before. âI wish I could- I just- I donât knowâŚâ he fumbled over himself.
Your lip trembled ever so slightly. Why was he still here? Couldnât he tell this was killing you? You glanced down at your lap, where your hands continued to fiddle with one another.
Jean kept his eyes trained on you, he seemed to be lost in thought.
âFuck it,â he mumbled. âYouâre my everything too ya know? I donât know why I pushed you away. No⌠actually I do. I was scared. I still am. Iâm fucking terrified of losing you guys. Sasha, Connie, you. Especially you actually. Every fiber of my being wants to just keep everything bad away from you, I want to protect you. I donât want you to have to keep losing people you care about and selfishly enough I donât want you to lose me. I want to be there for you. I want to be there when you wake up, when you go to bed, when you canât sleep, everything. Itâs so fucking stupid. Weâre so young and yet we quite literally have the weight of the world on our shoulders. I just- I donât know. I canât do it anymore. I canât pretend like you arenât my everything too.â
A loss for words was an understatement of your current status. Jean had just done exactly what you had begged him to do previously. He let you in. Not only did he let you in but he practically just declared how he felt about you⌠to you. How long had he been feeling this way? Didnât he realize you were scared too?Â
He called out your name softly, getting your attention to focus back on him. You let out a shaky breath, slowly getting back to your feet.Â
Now standing, you made your way over to where Jean stood. The tips of his ears a shade of pink that made him look breathtaking.
âIâm scared too ya know.â You spoke quietly, coming to stand in front of the boy.
âI know,â Jean sighed.
âIm terrified of losing you. Im terrified of losing anyone but god losing you⌠I donât know what Iâd do. I couldnât bare it Jean.âÂ
Jean gave you a sad smile, his hand hesitantly coming to rest on your cheek. You let out a shaky breath.Â
âIâm not going anywhere. I know I canât promise you anything because god who knows whatâs going to happen, but I promise I can try.â
âThatâs all I could ever ask for.â Tears brimmed your eyes at Jeanâs words.
He leaned forward, resting his forehead on your own. âYou mean so much to me.â
âYou mean so much to me as well.â You let out a soft laugh. Jean grinned hearing your laugh for what felt like the first time in forever.
The two of you stayed their for a moment before you broke the silence. âAre you going to kiss me yet or what?â You joked.
Jean let out a loud laugh, before shrugging. âI donât knowwwww, should I?â he smirked, back to his original cocky attitude.Â
You rolled your eyes, however the smile never fell off your face.
âPucker up Kirstein.â
