i just finished my rewatch and i hate everything so here r some relationship hc’s to cure me
eren bf headcanons part 1 & part 2
first and foremost LOVES south park and has mastered the cartman voice and annoys u with it constantly
not a complete disaster in the kitchen despite what you might think, he has an apron that says ‘kiss the cook’ and if u don’t kiss him he follows you around whining like a toddler until you have no choice
big fan of laying down and putting his entire body weight on you. it doesn’t matter how hard you smack him, he will not get off of you!!! and if you bite or lick him he’ll take that as an invitation if u know what i mean
really sensitive heart :( he doesn’t like it, but he cries easily and is quite hard on himself. likes to be pampered from time to time and reminded that you love him. head scratches in particular make him melt
prefers nights in as opposed to going out and dressing up and all that. why would he put on pants and spend a bunch of money on a meal in a stuffy restaurant when you two can lounge in your underwear, eat pizza, and play video games together?
that being said, he DOES like going out for the sole reason of coming back, taking off the outfit that you worked so hard to put together, and messing up your hair wink wink
let you take him to get his first piercing and was kind of a weenie about it but REALLY likes how he looks with it
there are no boundaries between you. if you’re on the toilet, he’s sitting on the bathroom counter telling you about his epic victory royale against jean last night. if he’s sweaty from the gym you’ll tell him exactly how stinky he is and he’ll laugh as he picks you up and hauls you to the shower with him.
runs long, intricate dnd campaigns with you and the scouts. he’s SO good at coming up with twists and turns and tying everything together. he says he’s fine if you want to romance another player’s character but also coincidentally always has an npc that you can’t help but fall for
doesn’t have a whole lot of belongings aside from books so whenever you two move in together you kinda have free reign of your home. all he asks is that he has a bookshelf all to himself. or two. and a space for his lucky coffee mug.
he grew up with just his grandpa, so it was really hard on him when he passed. he really enjoys spending time with you and your family, regardless of whether it’s dysfunctional or not. he’s at every holiday, charming your ornery grandparents and reading to your little cousins.
if you’re a homebody, he’s kind of a nag about getting you outside at least once a day. he gets a couple of chairs for your porch and you guys eat dinner out there a lot and watch the sun go down while you talk about your days
loves an afternoon nap. if you don’t have anything going on during the weekend, he undoes the bed (that he makes every morning) and cracks a window open and he’s dragging you to lie down with him while a video essay plays on his phone in the background
big pasta guy. prefers a light sauce, like a butter-based sauce or wine sauce. bad day? spaghetti. great day? penne. if there are no dinner plans, he’s probably already deglazing a pan with a bottle of pinot grigio and boiling fettuccine. ugh malewife
also surprisingly handy??? he thinks of fixing things or hanging pictures like a geometry problem so as long as a project doesn’t require like. a jackhammer. he can get it figured out
really into historical dramas!! he thinks documentaries can get a bit boring but he likes watching dramas or reenactments and then researching the differences between the show and reality.
big vinyl guy!!! somehow not in a pretentious annoying way (most of the time), he just has a cool turntable setup and a good collection of records spanning everything from miles davis to noah kahan to the saturday night fever soundtrack. he likes putting on some oldies and dancing around with you
no place is too far for him to drive to get you. if you're an hour away and drunk off your ass with your friends you tell him you'll just get an uber home and he says "over my dead body" and gets in the car immediately to get you. doesn't care if it's 3am
on that note he'll also drive your friends home too. yes he's the guy that does stuff for your friends too because if they're important to you they're important to him!!! he gets them birthday gifts and pays for their food if you go out together
had a phase where he was WAY too into hair gel/wax until you had to tell him he looked like someone out of west side story. to this day connie calls him 'grease lightning' much to jean's dismay and your delight
unfortunately he takes up the whole couch. he's just tall and all legs and he can't make himself compact so he makes up for it by letting you lay on top of him or sit on his lap. plus you can pick whatever movie you want
doesn't ever really get insecure about your relationship. why would he be concerned over the guy at the grocery store asking for your number when you come home to HIM and the weekly bouquet of flowers he gets you?? (however, said grocery guy is getting fucked up if you so much as whisper that you're uncomfortable)
if you guys decide to have kids, he is SUCH a good dad!!! he has those kids on his shoulders at the amusement parks and they have matching outfits and everything. when they're teenagers he's great about laying down the law without being a jerk about it. cries at every wedding
really loves when you get new clothes and come home and model them for him. especially if you happen to have a cute new set of lingerie for him to wolf whistle at. most of the time this results in him whisking you off to the bedroom hehe
thinks you two are the funniest pair alive and is constantly saying "we HAVE to start a podcast babe" and then you tell him that the world doesn't need another couples podcast but he's convinced that you two could actually make it big
in my mind connie is at least half latino (i'm texan and i say he's from the rio grande valley bite me!!!) so he is constantly bringing home food that his abuela and tias make. tamale season is so peak you guys are stocked for months
he's really good at skateboarding but terrible at trying to teach you how. "just flip the thing and land" and you try and he's like "no the OTHER thing here let me show you" BUT! if you finally land a trick he's whooping and cheering and your biggest fan
he has a tattoo on his scalp and it looks so good UGH. if he wants to change things up he can simply grow out his hair for a couple of weeks and then it's hidden. however he loooooves when you trace over it with your fingertips it drives him nuts
he has a pretty lanky build despite not purposely working out. he's just an active guy - if there's a place within a reasonable walking distance why would he drive when he can just walk or board?? if you're not a fan of walking that much he gives u a piggyback ride no problem
winning every idgaf war. not afraid of being stared at so he will do anything and everything to make you laugh even if he looks like a total moron.
back to latino connie - when he gets pissed at jean and/or eren during a game he starts RAVING at them in spanish and you can hardly understand him even if you're fluent bc he talks SO FAST and rambles and talks in circles but it's really funny. you often hear 'CÀLLATE, PUTA!!!' from the other room
somehow able to do pda without it being weird. like you know how when you go to a concert there's always that couple that's hanging off each other and it's uncomfortable for everyone in a certain radius??? he's like that but it's so natural for him that no one rly cares if his arm's around you. ig it's his effortless charm or whatever.
he's brutally honest and doesn't mince his words so if you're sensitive then i'm sorry LOL. he's still kind about it but if there's something wrong he'll just tell you. doesn't see the point in dancing around an issue.
similarly, he is an excellent communicator. he's very good at expressing his thoughts without being a total jackass about it, but he doesn't sugarcoat things. he's super good at texting back and picking up the phone - you'll almost always get an answer from him within 10 minutes even if he's busy
annoyingly punctual! if you two have somewhere to be, he's mapping out the route and calculating the time to get there with allowance for traffic, and even then your ass better be in the car 10 minutes early. if you have to do your makeup or whatever in the car then so be it
unintentionally really funny???? it may just be me but something about a guy who's so serious and badass using phrases like "look at these big ass trees" makes me giggle. he's good at being crass at the perfect time and doesn't get why you're laughing but it makes him smile all the same.
he's not super into tv or movies or anything but will sit down and watch something with you if you ask. just expect him to comment on how stupid and predictable the main character is or ask why that couple won't just talk to each other instead of having a 3-episode-long miscommunication. he's very cynical lol
since he doesn't have much of a family, he cherishes you above everything else. he would move heaven and earth for you the second you ask. treats you like royalty and if you think for one second you don't deserve it he will set you straight!!!
didn't grow up with any pets or anything so he doesn't really care to have one. thinks they make unnecessary messes and stink up your house. but if you bring in a stray he can't help but ask if it's been fed on time and if you need him to schedule that vet appointment.
he's a big softie when it's just the two of you. not in a weird or toxic way where he's aloof in public, he just has a hard time letting his guard down unless he knows you both are safe and sound at home. like he'll have a hand on your back if you're in a crowd but when he's home with you he's resting his forehead on your shoulder while you're cooking dinner yknow. very quietly whispers that he loves you - you don't have to say anything back.
i'll probably do a pt 2 with the marley guys and maybe another with the ladies!!! who knows!!!! im coping!!!!!!!!