Permanently confused

Polyfragmented system | Body is an adult | they/them

[bunnidid-reviews]

DID Short Films

Something I really enjoy is watching short films about DID :) it's always intriguing to see what sort of representation can be showed in a few short minutes, and just how much care and attention to detail is put into it.

I don't have the energy to do a full review of each, but here's a lil list of my favorite short DID films, along with some trigger warnings!

___________

Petals of a Rose

Watch Petals of a Rose | Dylan Crumpler Site

Triggers to watch out for:

a non-explicit incestuous childhood sexual abuse flashback (there's a safe version to watch with this part cut out in the same link!)

a safe and gentle non-explicit sex scene

dissociating and switching during sex

spiraling, hitting self, friction between parts

over-crowded dialogue

Things I love about this short:

We get multiple stellar scenes of what it can feel like to have DID - like being overwhelmed in the grocery store, talking yourself through the steps of it all. I really related to a lot of this

A good representation of how both positive and negative triggers can cause switches

communication between parts!

the implication of there being more parts yet to be found and how that's just kind of an accepted reality? I don't know if thats relatable for anyone else, but it really is for me

A LOVING AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP :DDD a partner who loves and supports and listens even if he doesn't fully understands, but clearly wants to. The amount of relief I felt when the partner STAYED with her after experiencing triggers during sex!!

The reiterations at the end that Now Time Is Safe and also, We Deserve to be Loved, and also, Each and every part is appreciated and loved

________________

Alter

Triggers to watch out for:

mild friction between parts

time loss + confusion

Things I love about this short:

The actress who portrayed the parts did a really stunning job with expressing complicated emotions surrounding time loss and the acceptance of a new part showing up

portraying a well-established system with functional multiplicity!

the use of color to portray parts is something I always remember about this one! I love that each part represents a color! I love that you can see all those colors throughout the home and in the outfits!! I love the rainbow-striped shirt she wore in the end with all the alters' colors + extra space, as if to signify that they're ready to accept more parts!!! aaaa!!! Such a great aesthetic to this film

I was SO pleased there really isnt anything triggering about this film. It's important to indicate that trauma creates the disorder, but it's SO nice when we get a bit of a break from the Horrors

supportive therapist :D

_____________

Alters and Me

Triggers to watch out for:

Mentions of trauma/abuse (very general + vague)

use of Alcohol to cope

self harm, visible scars

yelling/crying

Things I love about this short:

I like that this one's more like a general overview of the alters and how our main character came to understand and accept her DID

nonhuman alter representation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (a doggo)

The alter who struggles with alcoholic coping and self harm has a realistic reformation arc and turns out to be a cherished caretaker!!

Overall this one's pretty short, but very down to earth and realistic without being too triggering. I liked it a lot!

_______________________

I'm sure there are others that are good too, but that's my list for now! I tried to choose ones that didn't lean too far into horror trope editing or twists so they're safe for anyone to watch :) I might add to this sometime in the future if I see more

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy! Feel free to let me know your thoughts or share some of your favorites with me, you know I'm always curious to hear about this stuff

[maemaybe]

If your system identifies as having a "core" identity, there's nothing wrong with that. It's not a sign that you're faking. The people who are saying that it's impossible or that "core" identities don't exist are misunderstanding what the literature says.

The Haunted Self - "Host Personality"

The literature on DID often mentions the existence of a so-called “host,” the ANP that is “out” or in executive control most of the time (Braun, 1986; Kluft, 1984a; Putnam, 1989). It has also generally been referred to as the “original” personality. However, in tertiary structural dissociation no such original personality exists, nor is the host a nondissociative part of the personality. Instead, the personality is divided in two or more dissociative parts, one or more of which may be considered the “host.” We prefer the term ANP, because the host has the function of living normal daily life, and has not, or not fully, realized the traumatization. Some DID patients may have several dissociative parts which have key positions in daily life, and therefore could be called “hosts,” even though they may not be in executive control more often than others.

Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors - Providing Hospitality

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, when early experts in dissociation were trying to put words to what they observed in patients with “multiple personality disorder,” the term chosen for what we now know as the going on with normal life self was “host.” Although that label was meant to convey the sense of an empty vessel holding the traumatized parts, another meaning we could assign to the term “host” is that of homeowner and provider of hospitality. In fact, if the going on with normal life self is in charge of the body’s health and well-being, must provide food, shelter, and other necessities, and is focused on present moment priorities, it is quite literally the “host” or home base for all parts of the self. In addition, given its access to the medial prefrontal cortex, the going on with normal life self has the unique ability to see a wider perspective, to conceptualize, to reconcile opposites or at least keep them simultaneously in mind. The normal life self has the capacity to hold in dual awareness both past and present, part and whole, animal brain and thinking brain. However, when clients finally come for treatment, the going on with normal life self is often demoralized or depleted, identified with certain parts and intimidated by or ashamed of others. Although the normal life part has the innate ability to learn to observe them all, to decrease autonomic dysregulation, and to become interested in rather than afraid of the parts, he or she may need education to recognize them as young child selves trying to communicate their trauma-related fears and phobias.

Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors - Recognizing the Signs of Structurally Dissociated Parts

Just as each individual responds to trauma differently, we would expect each client’s structurally dissociated personality system to be unique. Clients whose histories of chronic trauma and/or multiple types of abuse and/or neglect necessitated more complex structural dissociation are likely to have a well-developed going on with normal life self and several different parts driven by the survival responses of fight, flight, freeze, submission, or cry for help.

In clients with dissociative identity disorder (DID), not only will the number of trauma-related parts tend to be greater overall, but these clients are more likely to have other subparts serving the priorities associated with the going on with normal life self, for example, a professional self, a parenting part, or a part with special talents or social skills. In addition, as the neural systems governing each part become more elaborated and autonomous, DID clients start to exhibit switching and time loss as they are “hijacked” by parts who, when triggered, act outside the conscious awareness of the going on with normal life self.

My takeaways from this:

Every part of the system is a dissociated part. There are no nondissociated parts. And "original" probably isn't a useful term.

The Haunted Self says there is no such thing as an "original", not that there is no such thing as a "core". These two words may be used interchangeably by some people, but they don't mean the same thing to me.

Different people have different words for the same thing. These two authors are talking about the same thing. One is saying ""host" and "ANP" the other is saying "going along with normal life self"

Having a "well-developed going on with normal life self" with many trauma parts is common.

People with DID also have sub-parts that serve the priorities of the host/ANP/going on with normal life self.

If this is your experience and your system has a host, ANP or "going on with normal life self" that you call your "core", then you should do what makes you comfortable.

Quotes are quotes. The rest is just my opinion as someone with DID who has read a lot. If you want to argue with me please be comfortable with me arguing back.

[maemaybe]

Right now I'm not even really sure if our system does have a singular, well-developed "going on with normal life self" (or a "core", if you will), but maybe we do. Sometimes it really feels that way and sometimes it seems like that is what would make the most sense to all of us.

It would just be really nice to be able to explore that ourselves without seeing so many people insist that it's an impossibility or that such a thing doesn't even exist.

[polyfragcultureis]

polyfrag culture is not always being able to be nice to every single alter. some alters exist to retraumatise others, some exist to harm the body and others, some exist purely to be malicious. we can't cater to them unless we all want to end up harmed.

please stop with the narrative that you shouldn't imprison your persecutors. yes, you should aim to understand the motives of every alter and help them wherein possible, but some alters are beyond that. by not sectioning them off, you risk harming others in the process, both internally and externally.

do whats best for your system, and don't feel guilty for it. some alters cant be changed even with love and support, some require stricter rules or even imprisonment. there is no one size fits all when it comes to system functionality.

.

[felis-the-complex-multiple]

This is actually a horrifying gut wrenching take and I feel so distressed for the alters being referenced by anon. This is just. Blatantly untrue. I'm writing this as someone who has alters who exist to retraumatize us, who exist to harm the body, and who exist to be "malicious." I'm writing this as someone who has parts who were programmed to sabotage our recovery, to negatively interfere with our therapy, to punish us for breaking the abuser's rules, and more. And you know what? Every single one of those parts still can be healed through love and support. Every. Single. One. And actually, that's the only way for them to access healing. There's no other solution than love, compassion, support, patience, and understanding. No one is beyond help. No one "requires" imprisonment. Of COURSE there's no one size fits all, but responding to trauma with more trauma and more harm is never, ever, EVER the answer.

Like seriously, this is breaking my heart. It's very common for RAMCOA survivors to have alters who were intentionally created to serve the purposes of the abusers, and to harm the other members of the system. Those parts often seem very scary, extremely mean, very abusive, and impossible to work with. And you know what? They're traumatized children. They're. TRAUMATIZED. Children. Can you imagine saying to a child who's been through the absolute worst things imaginable that they're beyond the reach of love and support and that they deserve to be imprisoned? Children who were tortured and coerced to do things that no child would ever willingly choose to do? Children who took up those horrible, horrible, horrible roles IN ORDER TO SAVE THE LIFE OF THE REST OF THE SYSTEM?

HOW do you think these parts were created in the first place? The worst persecutors and abuser-imitating parts in survivors of extreme and organized abuse are typically the parts who endured the WORST traumas. The parts who stepped up and said "okay, I'll be the bad guy" because they knew they'd die if they didn't agree, and they knew no one else was saying yes. They're put in mind altering double binds where it's impossible for them to win, and they're tricked and lied to and told that now their entire identity is Evil and that they belong to Evil and to the abusers forever. And you want to respond to these parts--the true, real saviors of the system--by reinforcing the beliefs that were programmed into them by abusers? That they're irredeemable, that they're beyond saving, that they deserve punishment and scorn and hatred? That's what they've always been told. And you're pushing them deeper into those beliefs. This is horrendous. This is gut wrenching. This is the opposite direction of healing.

I'm not saying it's easy to work with these parts. I'm not saying there aren't times for cutting off their access to other areas of the system or other alters in order to keep everyone as safe as possible. I'm not saying it's easy to look at and accept the truth of these alters and what they've endured and how they came to be in the first place. But I'm begging, BEGGGING, you to understand that no one chooses to be this way. No one wants to be bad. Many of these parts had no say in the roles they ended up with, beyond knowing that if they resisted, they would be killed or tortured or worse (and yes, there's worse). ALL alters can choose to change. Even these ones. They just need time and unconditional positive regard and support. No one is beyond love's reach.

Please for the love of everything, remember that most of them are children, split in childhood in order to save the rest of you from things that the rest of you could not or would not endure. Even the ones who split later in life are performing a function that they often feel they have no other choice but to perform. We don't change people by ostracizing, demonizing, and punishing them. Remember who the real enemy is. REMEMBER WHO THE REAL ENEMY IS. It's not them. They're a part of you too. You're a part of them too. Even when they're continuing to serve the purposes of the abusers (and I know many of them are doing that! I experience that too!), remember that they're doing that because of being abused, tortured, manipulated, brainwashed, and coerced into compliance. Do they really deserve more harshness? They're trying to save you too, at the end of the day. I'm not saying there are no boundaries and you can't negotiate or set limits or communicate with them about the effects of their actions. And I'm not saying it's easy to cope with the horrendous things they do. But telling someone they're incapable of change and redemption is a guaranteed way to make sure they continue to enact harm.

Ellen Lacter wrote a wonderful article on working with abuser-imitating parts, which has been incredibly helpful in my own work. It has the potential to be extremely triggering, especially for RAMCOA survivors, so I encourage a good deal of caution with reading it. But if you've been stuck in this mindset of thinking that some parts are beyond redemption and are just pure evil, then consider reading it, perhaps alongside a safe support person. Or at least read this quote here to understand that I'm not making it up when I say that compassion has to be the first approach with all of these parts: "A position of compassion is the essential foundation and over-riding approach to helping 'abuser personalities' to begin to discover the truth of their own histories as self-states, to understand that they were also victims of their abusers, to be able to re-consider who they perceive themselves to be, and to be able to make their own choices about who they wish to be." Every single one of them has the ability to make their own choices about who they wish to be. They must first be given that chance.

Internal incarceration, punishment, us vs. them dichotomies, repeating cycles of harm in response to harm, and lack of positive regard will not save us. Remember who the real enemy is. They want to turn us against each other. That serves the abusers too. Compassion holds the cure.

[cookiecat]

My mom is visiting and that's all well and nice. Except I always feel like she's not here to see me. She's here to visit my sister and I just happen to be here too.

I worked Thursday when she arrived so they started watching a documentary. I couldn't watch it for obvious reasons. Today after lunch they sat down to finish it. Well knowing I didn't get anything out of the last two episodes. They did it anyway. I ended up leaving while they were happily chatting away.

Yesterday, my sister urged me to play a game she started playing while we still lived at home. So my mom obviously already watched her play it. I'm not as far in the game because I don't have the same time to pour into the game as she does. Which means my mom thinks it's boring to watch me play. So does my sister. So it feels like I'm hogging the TV and they're bored. My mom makes small talk about other things while I'm playing the game and she admitted that she thinks it's boring to watch.

Now my sister is playing the same game while my mom is watching. They're having fun. My mom isn't busy talking about lots of other things in the middle of the game because she genuinely thinks it's fun to watch her play it. Not me.

I feel so left out. I feel like I'm just taking up space and no one wants me.

[cookiecat]

I don't find it hard to exist. I just don't like existing. I don't think my existence does any good. I'm likely to hurt people. I don't like that

[findingfeather]

Something I realized was worth keeping in mind lately: your body doesn’t just keep the score on trauma, you know. 

Like we’re starting to give some lipservice to the idea that trauma, that stress and harm and damage, live in our “bodies” even if we don’t consciously/cognitively acknowledge them, but there’s two small problems with this idea. 

One is the idea that there is a brain-body split, because there isn’t. Your brain, the place where your cognition occurs, is just another part of your body. Your conscious memory is also part of your body keeping the score. I could go on about this for a while, but I’ll refrain for now. 

Because almost more important to this issue is that your body also keeps all the other scores. 

The smell that calms you down. The fact that you feel better after a big hug. The way your favourite kind of tea helps ground you. The sudden joy at a particular song. 

All of these things also live in your body. Your comfort food being comfort food is a score your body is keeping. How to read. The comfort of a warm bed. All of that knowledge lives in your body, in its memory too. 

[sysmedsaresexist]

if it’s ok to ask a follow up question.. how can u differentiate between anp or ep or a mix of both and can a host be an ep?

Here's what Nijenhuis says from The Trinity of Trauma Volume III (p.17):

"‘Apparently normal parts’ (ANPs) primarily aim to achieve the goals of common life. ‘Fragile emotional parts’ (fragile EPs) primarily defend the basic integrity of life amid a devastating umwelt. ‘Controlling emotional parts’ (controlling EPs) primarily strive to generate and maintain a sense of personal power, of shining autonomy. To achieve their aims ANPs strive to ignore the phenomenal selves and worlds of the EPs. They strive to feel, know, and/or realize it as little as possible. In the attempt to delimit their fragility, ignoring (e.g., mentally avoiding) EPs is a form of control. Although fragile EPs feel and know themselves to be fragile, they long and strive to defend their very existence. Their defensive actions or passions involve a form of control. Stuck in the dreadful past, however, they remain more or less ignorant of the actual present in terms of the third-person’s conception of chronological time, place, and the unity the fragile EPs are a part of. Controlling EPs share this ignorance and try to ignore their fragility. They strive to control their life and their umwelt. Being prototypes, traumatized individuals can encompass both mixtures and variations of these three prototype."

To put this more simply, there can be any variation or mixture of the following:

ANP = Parts that aim to achieve the goals of daily life. They are usually avoidant or ignorant of the trauma and EP.

Fragile EP = Parts that are stuck in trauma-time. The past trauma still feels like the present for them, and they defend this perception and existence. The online community often calls them "trauma-holders."

Controlling EP = Parts that aim to aim to maintain their autonomy and power. They sometimes turn against other parts, or even people outside of the system. The online community often calls them "protectors" or "persecutors."

To help you tell the difference, ANP tend to have more higher processing while EP usually have more lower processing (see chart below):

Also, yes an EP can be a host.

[defiantsuggestions]

You were not a bad child. You were not difficult. You were not a burden. You were not evil.

You were a child.

It was the people around you who had a problem

And it was the people around you who were selfish enough to take their problems out on a child who was too small and helpless to defend themself.

It was the people around you who raised you to hate yourself.

And it's hard to believe when that awful environment is all you've known

But there are people out there who would be horrified at the way you've suffered

And there are people out there who would think you're amazing

It's not your fault you grew up in an abusive household

They're the ones who chose to mistreat you

And they were the ones who convinced you to blame yourself

And you deserve better

I promise you, you deserve better

[nemevex]

If you tell a trauma survivor that they should be grateful that the traumatic event happened because "it made them stronger", unkindly go fuck yourself.

Trauma teaches you how to survive traumatic situations, and grinds those instincts in deep, in order to protect you. In those life-threatening situations, those instincts will protect you.

However, those instincts are extremely unhelpful in normal, daily life, where you're not fearing for your life every second.

Unfortunately, such instincts are implanted too deep to just casually unlearn, and have neurologically changed the structure of one's brain so that their many survival responses are involuntary.

Yes, organisms learn to adapt to their environments, but that's on a more cellular and/or multi-generational level. As individuals, it just fucks us up mainly.

[9710144]

[pcos-and-endo-awareness]

[giritina]

If you are someone with trauma-- maybe someone with C-PTSD, or a dissociative disorder, or a cluster A or C personality disorder-- who feels comfort in scapegoating your trauma to "borderlines" or "narcissists" or "sociopaths"... I just want you to process and understand that you are capable of harm.

Cluster B personality disorders are demonized heavily because their symptoms are often outward, loud. They are noticeable, they stand out. That is what separates you from them more than anything. Not that you are a victim and they are a perpetrator.

Passivity can hurt people. Dependency, avoidance, paranoia, self-hatred. These can all take a toll on people around you. You can eat someone from the inside out without ever being loud or angry. You can manipulate, you can be self absorbed, you can cause trauma. You are the same as those other mentally ill people. You have the exact same capacity to heal and harm others.

Abuse is a cycle, not group of people you can isolate and avoid. Even the most neurotypical human being on earth is capable of hurting others.

[cookiecat]

Had another nightmare. Want to call my parents. I'm not big enough to live alone

[rabbittongues]

[sexual-abuse-survivor-support]

reblog if you're a trauma blog

I need more blogs to follow and my blog is fairly new so I was just hoping to follow ppl who have dealt with traumas.. -sexual abuse -emotional abuse -physical abuse -csa/cocsa -rape

There’s honestly so many things I can’t even list them all. But yeah, pls reblog so I can check out your blogs and follow you guys! I’m here to support anyone and everyone that needs it!

[collectivelychatty]

Whenever we split someone new and the part realizes they exist, we go through so much shame. Saying the part's name hurts. The part won't speak in their own voice, won't say anything about themselves, all out of shame of existing. We are so sorry when we come to awareness.

[system-of-a-feather]

Tell me a thing about your childhood that isn't inherently super traumatic but is sus and kinda indicitive of the environment you grew up in.

I'll start, my childhood favorite movie series from when I was under five was the Final Destination series.

[system-of-a-feather]

I am not going to point at anyone who replied, but some of you guys are posting things that are inherently very traumatic and I am sorry you went through that.

I'm not mad cause honestly 1) expected it cause its how it be when you have trauma - its hard to parse what is "kinda weird" and actually traumatic and 2) it doesn't bother me just in general

But I also wanted to both put it out there without pointing anyone out on the account that it might not be a good place to hear the validation directly targeted, but to those out there, damn. You didn't deserve that.

[scoobied]

actually, very similarly to op, my favorite movies as far back as i can remember have been horror films i should not have seen or been watching repeatedly throughout my childhood.